WCW Thunder by Mike Mousseau
Thunder is on the air! And the best thing is, it's not Nitro! WCW Mayhem,
the PPV is this Sunday, and a new Heavyweight Champion will be crowned!
Let's get right into the action!
Match #1: JERRY FLYNN (with Jimmy Hart, Brian Knobs, and Barbarian) v. BAM BAM BIGELOW in a Product Placement Hardcore Match - Bammer brings a cart full of plunder, including a big Surge can and numerous metal garbage cans. There's a crutch across Bam Bam's back. Referee is Nick Patrick. Can to the head, kick, kick, kick, kick, choke with the foot by Flynn. Left, left, left, choke. Out from the back to watch the match is NORMAN SMILEY; he saunters down to ringside and pulls up a chair. Knobs, Hart, and Barbarian surround and intimidate Smiley; meanwhile, there's some kind of competition of sorts in the background. Yeah, back to that match, and I hate hardcore matches. Wow, look at all that trash in the ring. Bigelow uses two trash can lids for cymbals right behind Flynn's head! That must've hurt his ears! DDT by Bigelow. Up top, and misses a swan dive headbutt. End the match soon, please. Even the heat machine is quiet for this one. Now the Barbarian is in the ring, and pounding on Bammer. Double clothesline! Norman from behind with a chairshot on Knobs! Bigelow takes Norman's chair, and uses it on Barbarian. Smiley and Hart square off, but Bam Bam gets Hart from behind and runs his head into the chair. Back into the ring, and somehow Flynn is out cold. Hmm, must've missed that. Bigelow covers for the pin. (4:58) What garbage.
DISCO INFERNO is backstage, and tries to bet $50,000 on Prince Iaukea, but the other guy knows that wrestling is fixed. Yeah, Disco, you should bet on boxing. Errr . . .
BUFF BAGWELL asks TERRY TAYLOR where Chris Benoit is. He's in that locker room over there.
Match #2: DISCO INFERNO v. PRINCE IAUKEA for the Cruiserweight Championship - Disco comes out first, cause he's the champ. Johnny Boone is the ref. Iaukea in control early. Apparently, Disco has a gambling problem, and owes large sums of money to the wrong people. Just thought I'd get the angle across. Iaukea misses a cross body off the ropes. Tenay just said the title isn't up for grabs here, so scratch what I said earlier. Say, why ISN'T the title on the line? Surely the Prince meets the weight requirements; he's lighter than the champ, anyway. Disco in control with the usual. Prince with a backslide for two, and the heat machine loved it! Disco obliterates him with a clothesline. Back and forth action for awhile; pretty lacklustre match. Iaukea in control until he misses a dropkick. Disco hits a no-contact-with-the-mat DDT. Someone is out with a 'gift' for Disco. It's a dead fish. Get it? Iaukea rolls him up behind for the pin. (5:49) Post-match, Disco smacks the Prince with the fish, and hits the Chartbuster.
'MEAN' GENE OKERLUND is standing by with EVAN KARAGIAS, the most annoying wrestler in WCW. Man, he sounds like such a pot-head. He's not gonna beat Disco for himself, he's gonna do it all for love.
Meanwhile, VAN HAMMER and CURT HENNIG are booked in a match tonight; Hammer says he'll take it easy, and hey, what will he get for letting Hennig be counted out? A punch in the face, it seems. Security breaks up the fight.
Back from commercials, and security is STILL separating Hammer and Hennig. I think Hammer said "you're finished" and "you're done." So much for going easy on him, eh?
Match #3: THE MAESTRO v. EVAN KARAGIAS (with Madusa) - Madusa has huge breasts. Maestro attacks from behind to start. Ref is Billy Silverman. Karagias dropkicks Maestro out of the ring, and hits a springboard plancha. Tenay announces a 'loser must retire match' between Curt Hennig and Buff Bagwell. Who really gives a frick? Oh yeah, that's only if Hennig isn't pinned by Hammer tonight. Whatever. Also a 6-man elimination tag match between Saturn, Malenko and Asya versus Kidman, Konnan and Torrie. Oh, this match? It's there. Maestro in full control. He's pretty solid, I think. Not spectacular, but solid. Face rake on the top rope. European uppercut. Evan hits a snap suplex for two. Spinebuster followed by choking by Maestro. Madusa on the apron, kiss for Maestro, umbrage taken by Evan, big kiss for him, rollup by Maestro for the pin. (5:05) Announcers play up that Madusa may have wanted Evan to be pinned.
Gene is now with THE REVOLUTION, talking about Asya tearing Torrie limb from limb, like a Barbie doll. SATURN keeps up whatever gimmick he's doing by saying how hard it is to put a doll's limbs back into their sockets.
Disco is on the phone with Tony Marinera, and says he'll have his money in a few weeks.
CHRIS BENOIT and Buff Bagwell narrowly miss meeting each other backstage. Ooh, I wonder how this'll turn out!
Tenay says it isn't our father's Nitro anymore. Need proof? Well, Nash wore a wig and made funny faces, two big bald guys beat up Booker T, Mydnyte helped him, Steve Williams and Ed Ferrara appeared, luchadores were injured, Goldberg and Hennig fought, MORE band members wrestled, Rick Steiner took a bump, Torrie was hot, David Flair was nuts, Kimberly ran, Hall submitted to the Crossface, Bret Hart advanced, JJ beat Bagwell, Dustin Rhodes appeared, Rey Mysterio's knee was decimated, Sting beat Luger, Nash and Sid fought, Goldberg came out, and Bret Hart came out. I wish I could watch my father's Nitro.
Gene is now with LA PARKA and KAZ HAYASHI. Same stuff as last week, where Parka has Hennig's voice dubbed over, except this week Kaz has a new voice. Dustin Rhodes, perhaps? I'm bad at figuring stuff like this out. Pretty funny, anyway. Gene: "What the hell was that?"
Bagwell asks Benoit to take it easy on him for their match later, no flying headbutt, no crossface (you know about his neck). Benoit tells him he should've thought of that a couple weeks ago when he proclaimed himself the 'chosen one.' Benoit walks away, but Bagwell attacks from behind. They brawl a bit until security separates them.
Match #4: LA PARKA & KAZ HAYASHI v. "STOCKY" SILVER KING & EL DANDY (no entrance) - Parka teaches Kaz the chair guitar and Parka strut on the rampway. Ref is Mark Johnson. Hennig speaks for Parka pre-match. Dandy and Kaz start. Back and forth a bit, Dandy sent outside, but instead of taking a highspot, he slides in and tags Silver King. Parka in as well. SK politely stands aside for the Parka strut, but rudely dropkicks him at the end. There's the Silver King dance! Chop!, but a second finds Dandy. Doh! Some choreographed action follows, with Parka on the offensive. Then a comedy bit. Tag in to Kaz. Did you know that El Dandy has a lethal right hand? If you've ever heard Tenay call a match of his you do. SK tagged, and there's a double press into a gutbuster. Dandy tags back in. Headbutt. King and Parka in now. Announcers are all about Mayhem. Tag for Dandy, and a big slap on Parka. POWERS THAT BE! Shut up, please. Double leapfrog by Kind and Dandy, and a double back body drop. Parka dropkicked to the floor. Kaz is double teamed in the ring. Kaz is now the legal man, I guess. Covered for two. Dandy back in now, and he accidentally hits King. Flying headscissors by Kaz! Gets the hot tag! Parka up top! Missile dropkick on SK and Dandy! They're outside, and here's a twisting somersault senton by Kaz! In the ring, Dandy misses a somersault off the top; Parka goes up top, slips, and hits a reverse somersault plancha for the pin! (5:07) I'd rather see a piņata on a pole match. There's a chair for Dandy! And one for Silver King, too! Backstage, Hennig and Bagwell have to be pulled apart.
WCW Thunder Ringside Release is "End of Days." Hmm, now where have I heard that movie mentioned before?
Match #5: CURT HENNIG v. VAN HAMMER - Heat machine pops big for Hammer. Zbyszko says "sword of Damocles" for kicks. Back and forth fighting outside the ring to start. Hennig rolls in to break the count. Tenay lets us know that Rick Steiner is injured and in great pain thanks to Sid's powerbomb Monday. OK, back in the ring now. Hennig has Hammer in the corner. Chop, elbow. Pull him out by his leg, drape it on the bottom rope, and jump on it. Of course, Buff is making his way to the ringside area. Hennig works over Hammer's left leg. Buff distracts Hennig, giving Hammer control. Choke on the rope, kick, kick, whip to the corner, charge misses. Ref is Mickey J, by the way. Where's Scott Dickinson nowadays? Hennig in control; stomp to the head, another, another. Hammer on the apron, and snaps Hennig's neck on the top rope. Hammer back in, and Hennig slips out. Chasing Buff now. Hammer tries to sneak up from behind, but Hennig hits a back kick. Into the barricade! Kick to the nuts! Back into the ring. Off the ropes, and Hennig with the hair slam. Rear hairpull, and a punch. Buff should see if he can fit into a smaller shirt. Hammer no-sells a couple chops, and takes control in the corner. Whip across, and a running foot to the thigh. Weak. Kneelift. Hennig sent to the ropes, and Hammer hits a bodyslam. Wow! Cover for two. Hennig to the ropes, Hammer with another foot to the thigh, and a poor DDT. He misses a somersault from the second rope. Larry: "That would've been a great move if the guy would've been in a swimming pool." Hennig tossed outside, and Buff is all over him. But here's CHRIS BENOIT! He's all on Bagwell! Hennig back in the ring, and Buff on the apron. Hammer hits him on a reversal, and there's the Hennigplex for the pin. (6:15) See, that move DOES work sometimes! Buff is mad, because now he has to wrestle on a PPV.
CHAVO GUERRERO tries to sell LIZ some pots, pans, cleaning stuff and jewelry. TOTAL PACKAGE is there too. Did you know that Chavo is actually a very good wrestler? Ah well.
Match #6: LASH LeROUX v. KENNY KAOS - Lash speaks a little Cajun between entrances. A little mockery of Kaos pre-match. Lockup, but Kaos is too strong. Lockup faked by Lash, and Kaos kicks him in the gut. Butterfly suplex. Kaos to the second rope 40 seconds in, and hits a guillotine legdrop. Two count by Nick Patrick. Lash off the ropes, blows a spot, dropkick, armdrag. Kaos pulls him into the second turnbuckle. Choke with the boot. Inverted atomic drop, and a boot to the head of Lash. Lash punches to come back, but Kenny rakes his face. Gutwrench slam by Kaos gets two. Lash off the ropes, stops, kick to Kenny's gut, and hits his 3/4 nelson Russian legsweep. 1, 2, no. Kaos is headscissored out of the ring. Kenny up, and Lash over, but Kaos snaps his neck on the top rope. Lash dropkicks his feet out from underneath him. Quebrada attempt is caught by Kaos! Back first into the guardrail! Sends him back into the ring. Kaos to the top rope! Flying clothesline! 1, 2, grabs the ropes. 1, 2, scissors the ropes. Duh. Lash off the ropes, on Kenny's shoulder, fights down and behind him, ducks a Kenny right, fireman's carry into the Whiplash. There's the pin. (5:02)
Okerlund is now with the FILTHY ANIMALS. Hey, what are those gold things on Kidman and Konnan's shoulders? Eddie is running the Kid-cam. Konnan speaks on this. As does Kidman. And then Torrie. Nothing more from me.
Backstage, Vampiro is wrapping a chain around his fist.
Match #7: CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (with suitcase full o' goodies) v. BARBARIAN - Whadya know? Chavo wrestles tonight! Uh oh. He's being fed to Barbarian. Pre-match, Chavo tries to sell Barbarian some stuff. This apparently funny to someone, somewhere. Chavo hands him the suitcase so he can talk to Silverman. Surprise! Suitcase from behind, and the match is on. Big boot! 1, 2, 3. (0:10) FUCK YOU, WCW. NOOOOO!! Barbarian has the stick!! "I take three! I pay you later!" At least this time he was intelligible. Gotta give it to Chavo, as he still works on Silverman to buy stuff post-match.
Video recap of the Heavyweight Title tournament airs; voice over by Tony Schiavone. If you want any details, go back and read some of CRZ's old reports - they're archived.
Backstage, MENG is loosening up! Meanwhile, Total Package and Liz are watching him!
Buff Bagwell uses rubber bands to get ready for his match.
Match #8: VAMPIRO (with Jerry Only) v. MENG - No Thunder next week because of Thanksgiving. Test of strength, Meng wins. Hair pull and slam to the mat. Vampiro with a couple kicks and a chop, but Meng wants control so he gets in a chop. Vamp with a headlock, sent to the ropes, shoulderblock sends him down. Meng off the ropes, and hits a lariat, complete with Vamp oversell. Meng misses a diving headbutt. Vamp tries a headbutt, but Meng's head is too darn hard! Vamp off the ropes and hits a flying shoulderblock; it almost stuns the monster. There's Vampiro's reverse enzuigiri; again, it almost fazes the big man. Lockup, and Meng pushes Vamp back into a corner. Chop!, kick, chop!. Vamp out of the corner, and tries a chop of his own, but Meng's chest is just too, um, leathery! Dropkick by Meng! Two count by Johnny Boone. Back and forth striking, with Meng taking the advantage. Choke on the middle rope. Piledriver by Meng, 1, 2, no. Boot-choke on Vampiro, and he's kicked outside the ring. Jerry Only tries to distract Meng, but to no avail. Vamp sent into the barricade. Kicks by Vampiro, off the apron with a chop to the top of Meng's head. Now Meng's head hits the steel steps. Back inside we go. Chop by Vampiro, neutralized by a rake of the face. Vamp to the corner, but a charging Meng eats boot. A lariat seems to wake the big monster! Vampiro up top! Spin-kick connects and gets a two count. Vampiro off the ropes, caught by Meng and powerbombed. Over to the ropes, and the Misfit tries to interfere one too many times. He gets the Tongan death grip. I guess that's a DQ. (5:54) LIZ is now out; she wants to make an apology to Meng for making a mistake a couple weeks ago on Nitro. Meng doesn't care, and goes for the death grip! But here's TOTAL PACKAGE from behind with a chair. After about four shots, Meng finally goes to one knee. Package now works on the knee of the monster. Now on the ankle. And the ribs. Chris Benoit is ready for his match! Next!
Match #9: CHRIS BENOIT v. BUFF BAGWELL - Bagwell runs and slides into the ring, and it's on. Benoit with a body slam, and off the ropes with a snappy elbowdrop. Kick to the ribs. Bagwell sent off the ropes, and downed by a drop toehold. Dropkick to his ribs. Bagwell in the corner. Chop! Bagwell sent off the ropes, and gets a knee to the gut. Kick to the gut. Bagwell off the ropes, and gets another knee to the gut. Benoit tries to suples Buff out of the ring, but it's countered into a suplex of Benoit onto the top rope. Buff punches him off the apron to the floor. Buff out and stomping away. Choke! Referee Mark Johnson is out to break. Scoop, and Benoit goes throat-first across the guardrail. Kick to the ribs, and standing on his throat. Bagwell sends him back in. Kick, kick, kick to the ribs. Benoit to the ropes, kick to the gut, and Buff hits a swinging neckbreaker. None of this match has been called by the announcers. Buff covers for two. Rear chinlock applied. Rake of the face by Buff, and he sends Benoit head first to the turnbuckle. Right, kick, kick, right, and Buff taunts the Crippler. Oh, you'll pay for that, Buffy! Benoit sent to the corner, and Buff misses the blind charge. Chop!, right, right, stomping away in the corner. Buff falls to the ground. Benoit outside after him. Bagwell headfirst to the guardrail. Right by Benoit, chase him down, chop!, kick, and throws him back in. Nice snap suplex by the Crippler. 1, 2, no. This match better end clean. Kick to Bagwell's back. Backbreaker gets two for Benoit. Surfboard type hold now applied. Reversed by Bagwell, but Benoit gets a back kick to the nether region. Bagwell rolls to the apron, and gets kicked off. He goes backfirst to the rail. Again. Rolls him back in, and Buff attacks. Axehandle, right, right, choke. Scoop and a slam by Bagwell. He covers for two. Vertical suplex. Buff mocks his own strut! Benoit up with a rake of the eyes. Head to the turnbuckle, Bagwell reverses. Right, right, right. To the corner, reversed, inverted atomic drop by Benoit. Chop!, go behind, German suplex attempt blocked with back elbows. Benoit pushes him to the corner, and levels him on the rebound with a stiff right. Buff sent to the corner, and clotheslined down. THUMB ACROSS THE THROAT! Benoit up top! Swandive headbutt misses! Oh fuck, someone is running in. Bagwell to the second rope for the Blockbuster, but CURT HENNIG distracts him. Buff turns around, and walks right into the Crippler Crossface and the submission! (8:48) Very good match! Hennig and Benoit exchange glances post-match. Bagwell and Hennig stare each other down, and now they're rumbling! One of these men must retire Sunday! That's the show, we're out of time!