WCW Thunder by Mike Mousseau
Before you read this, I URGE all of you to go read Jim Raggi's letter to Chris, if you haven't already done so. I couldn't agree more with what he said.
WCW Thunder is on the air! We are LIVE from the Expo Center, in Topeka, Kansas! Bret Hart, the Revolution, Sid Vicious, Chris Benoit, and the Total Package are all promised for tonight! Cue the music, and lets go to the ring for
Match #1 SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY (w/ new hardcore belt and martial arts gear) v. THE WALL for the WCW Hardcore Title - We're shown footage from Nitro this past Monday from the 'match' between Jerry Flynn and The Wall. It shows us that there is friction between Wall and Berlyn. Speaking of whom, here is BERLYN making his way to ringside, and on over to the announcer's table. There's the bell, and we're underway. Smiley does The Crane, into a dance, then is floored with a clothesline. Berlyn is there to accept Wall's apology for the friction between the two. Running powerslam by Wall, and then a big legdrop. Referee is Mickey J. Wall controls with punches. Wall picks up a garbage can, and eats boot on a charge attempt. Norman lays in a lid shot, a cookie sheet shot, dance, garbage can shot, and there's the SMBU. Wall up, and hits a stungun. Wall with a choke, Norman counters with a kick to the testicles. Berlyn is now on the apron, and hits Wall with the belt. Wall goes down, but doesn't release the choke, oddly enough. Norm tries to escape the hold, and J counts the pin. (2:35) Berlyn is acting like it was an accident. Anyone care? Didn't think so.
Our hosts are MIKE TENAY and LARRY ZBYSZKO. Our main event will be Total Package versus Sid Vicious, with Bret Hart joining in on commentary. OH YEAH!! CHRIS BENOIT VERSUS JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER!!! Please, please please give them more than 5 minutes. And keep the Outsiders far, far away. Also, Jeff Jarrett and Mona (who?) versus Evan Karagias and Madusa. Larry hears the three people chanting his name and acknowledges them. Quick! Something is going on backstage! It's
TOTAL PACKAGE, wearing a FUBU 05 shirt, is headed to the TV production truck-trailer thing. He wants to see that again, and, sure enough, he IS wrestling Sid Vicious tonight. I don't think he really wants to, though.
STEVE WILLIAMS and JIM ROSS LITE are conversing backstage, until SILVER KING interrupts. He wants the check back that Williams took after that one racist match, and he's willing to wrestle him for it. LOS DOS VILLANOS are somewhat in this picture, too. JR Lite asks if he knows who he's talking about, and lists Williams' college football credentials. King says he's a luchadore, and football is for girls. Now Williams has to hold JR Lite back, I guess because he loves football so much. Anyway, there will be a handicap match tonight, and I didn't laugh once during that segment.
'MEAN' GENE OKERLUND asks KAZ HAYASHI how he does those mysterious interviews. Of course, English is dubbed over Kaz; it may be Dustin Rhodes. Once again, no laughing was done on my part.
Match #2: THE MAESTRO (w/bubbles) v. KAZ HAYASHI - How can you not love Kaz Hayashi? A clip from Nitro is shown where David Flair is dressed like Maestro and he scares Symphony. I'd be willing to bet these two guys could put on a really good match. We'll see what they do here. Flair run-in, perhaps? Referee is Billy Silverman. I think WCW is down to three refs: Silverman, Mickey J, and Nick Patrick. Oh yeah, that new one too, Johnson. Go behind by Kaz, reversed by Maestro, Kaz flips out of a suplex attempt, uh, more chain wrestling that's too fast, go behind by Kaz, and Maestro elbows out. Front face lock takeover by Mestro gets a two count. Side headlock takeover, both up, Maestro sent off the ropes, and he shoulderblocks Kaz down. Kip up, and Maestro off again, leapfrog, dueling hiptosses ends with a fireman's carry takedown by Kaz! Dropkick to the back of the head! Maestro suckers Kaz in and sends him into the turnbuckle. European uppercut, elbow drop, another, and choking away on Kaz. Rear double slap of the head, stomp, and Maestro covers for two. Snap suplex, floatover, 1, 2, no. Maestro has a rear submission hold, hooking one of Kaz's arms with a leg, and kind of arm barring the other one. Shitty, there's DAVID FLAIR, crowbar in tow. Kaz flips out of a German suplex attempt, misses a heel kick, ducks a left, and nails a dropkick. Flair is acting nutso at ringside. Ref is bumped, Kaz puts on a sleeper, and Dave blasts Kaz with the iron. Maestro bolts for the exit, and Flair follows. Silverman is up, and groggily counts out Maestro. (3:41) Oh no! Something's going on in the parking lot! It's
LASH LeROUX and DISCO INFERNO and they're . . . ARRIVING! in a black car. Now here's BIG VITO AND JOHNNY THE BULL, and they too are ARRIVING!, albeit in a white car. They check out the black car for clues.
CHAVO GUERRERO gets a call from a customer, and he talks to that person. No wrestling here, and no laughs either.
Total Package is trying to sneak out instead of wrestling Sid tonight. He meets up with TERRY TAYLOR and JIMMY HART. Unfortunately for Package, his car has a flat tire. Funny? Nope.
Match #3: CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (w/ his products) v. BUZZKILL (w/ 'make love not money' peace sign) - Chavo talks on the phone some more on the way down to the ring. OK, NOW I'm laughing. Buzzkill comes out to a knockoff of the New Age Outlaws music, and at the appropriate time says, "Are you feeling low? Let Buzzkill get you high . . . on life I mean. Aw yeah. It's me, it's me, it's that B-U-double Z." He goes on to tell Chavo that he's not interested in his material wares. Chavo offers assorted tie-dyed items and incense. He also has a strobe light, which doesn't work (gotta love live TV); nonetheless, Buzzkill is entralled with the lamp. As an aside, I bet these two could put on a pretty good wrestling match. Crowd is booing. Chavo puts a set of headphones on Buzz, who proceeds to sprawl out on the canvas. Here's Chavo with the sneaky pin attempt, but it only gets a two count. Chavo goes back to shilling mode, and I don't think Buzz is buying. Now Buzz from behind with the briefcase, which is apparently legal here, and Slick Johnson counts the pin. (0:38, I guess) The crowd does NOT sing along to Buzz's song post-match. Buzz now gets some cash from Johnson, puts it in Chavo's hand, and takes the broken strobe lamp. I love how on TV when people exchange money, it's just a big lump, and they never look to see how much it is.
Gene is now with CHRIS BENOIT, talking about Jushin Liger, and Calgary (no pause), Canada. Apparently, those two have wrestled each other before, only it was in JAPAN, and not here in America. Yeah, like anybody cares what happens in Japan.
Elsewhere, MENG enters his locker room, and just afterwards, Disco and Lash replace the 'MENG' sign on the door with 'DISCO INFERNO/LASH LE ROUX'. Think THAT will give us something funny? I sure hope so!!
EVAN KARAGIAS and MADUSA are backstage, and talking about some surprise or something.
Total Package boosts his own ego a bit backstage.
Gene is now with SID BUBBLE-ICIOUS, who will be facing Kevin Nash in a powerbomb match at Starrcade. Sid promises that he'll powerbomb Nash straight to hell. How original. Then he discusses rendering Package a vegetable later tonight in their match, complete with a limp-ripping of Lex's action figure.
Meanwhile, Package sees this, and makes the appropriate scared face, which draws laughs from the crowd. None here, however. Lex then calls for a cab.
Somewhere else in the building, JR Lite is pumping up Steve Williams for his match.
Big Vito and Johnny the Bull hassle a couple security guys backstage while looking for Disco and Lash.
Match #4: DOCTOR DEATH (w/ JR Lite) v. 'STOCKY' SILVER KING & LOS DOS VILLANOS (no entrance) - A clip is shown from Nitro of the cage 'match' between Williams and Jerry Only. Hey, I bet Vampiro and/or the Misfits run-in on this match! Naturally, JR Lite joins the announcers. Larry Zbyszko wants 'nothing to do with this nonsense' and storms off. Good for him, I guess. JR Lite says his barbecue sauce cured his face, and is no longer barbecue sauce; it's now miracle elixir. In the ring, Dr. Death no sells the offense of *3* wrestlers simultaneously. Lite announces a match between himself and Williams versus Jerry Only and Vampiro. Give me a fucking break. Well, here's Vampiro out, squaring off with Lite, and tripping him. Silver King grabs the check from the announce table, and leaves the Villanos to defend for themselves. Williams hits the Oklahoma Stampede, and Chas Robinson counts the pin. (1:47) I'd rather see a piñta on a pole match. Oh for crying out loud, Tenay gets word that once again SOMETHING IS GOING ON BACKSTAGE!
It's TP, and he's trying to sneak out. He's intercepted by those two hitmen guys, though, who are looking for Disco and Lash. Meanwhile, Silver King runs by and takes off in the Package's cab. Are YOU laughing?
Woo Hoo! There's JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER, walking, of course.
Chris Benoit is walking also, probably to the ring, 'cause that match is NEXT!
Big Vito and Johnny the Bull have found the locker room and are waiting for Lash and Disco to come out. Tee hee hee!
Match #5: JUSHIN 'THUNDER' LIGER v. CHRIS BENOIT - A clip of the ending from Nitro's match between Liger and Juvy is shown. Benoit comes out to his new music; I liked his old music A LOT better. Aw, come on. Juvy's music plays, and out comes JUVENTUD GUERRERA, whose arm is in a sling, PSYCHOSIS, and LA PARKA. Only Juvy gets chyron. Juvy joins the announcers, 'cause he's so good at commentating, I guess. HEY, SHOW THE MATCH, PLEASE! UGH! OK, Benoit has a wristlock, Liger flips out of it, trips Benoit, cover, tossed off, and a staredown. I like it when the ECW wrestlers try to do the staredown after their attempts at chain wrestling. Lockup, and a side headlock by Liger, who's sent to the ropes. A shoulderblock sends Benoit down. Nick Patrick is referee BTW. Sideheadlock takeover by Liger, head scissored off, Liger flips out of it, back cover by Liger, Benoit bridges out, up, fighting over a backslide, broken, rollup by Liger, reversed by Benoit, reversed again, and again, and the staredown to NO crowd response. OK, a little. But not enough. Juvi rips off the Rock's 'It doesn't matter . . . ' bit. Test of strength. Benoit is down, but bridging. Liger jumps on him, be he keeps the bridge. Benoit breaks the hold with a kick to the gut and sends Liger off the ropes. Nope, reversed, Benoit slides through the legs, kick caught by Liger, go behind, pushes Benoit to the ropes, and Liger hits his cartwheel kick. Chop! by Liger. Benoit sent off the ropes, but he stops short and gets in a kick. Chop!, chop!, chop! from Benoit! Liger to the ropes, and Benoit catches him with a kneelift. Tenay announces Benoit versus Nash for Nitro and confirms Hall/Benoit in a ladder match for the US title for Starrcade. Hey, at least the Powers That Be like Benoit. Benoit's suplex attempt is blocked, and he gets suplexed to the floor! Liger to the top, and hits a nice plancha to the floor! Juvi is complaining that Liger didn't catch him during their match on Monday, and that's why is arm is hurt. Both men in now, and Liger puts on the surfboard! See, the guy puts his arms down because that's the natural reaction when you get hit in the kidneys. Liger now morphs into the deadly Dragon sleeper variant of the move. Well, it sure LOOKS deadly. Benoit powers out, but he's hurting. Liger hits a brainbuster, and gets a two count only. Crowd is starting to liven up a bit, I think. Benoit up in the corner now, and Liger is chopping away. Whip to the corner, reversed, and Benoit eats boot on the charge. Benoit throws off the tornado DDT attempt, and runs out into a double clothesline! Both up around eight, and Benoit catches a kick, ducks the enzuigiri, runs off the ropes, and drops a snappy elbow to the back of Liger's head. Beautiful snap suplex. Back drop suplex gets a two count for the ex-horseman. Backbreaker for another two count. To the corner, and Liger eats a few backhand chops. Cross corner whip, taken chest first, and Benoit follows with a lariat. Up top now, but Liger makes a quick recovery to cut him off. Both men on the top, and Liger hits a superplex! Aw fuck, Psychosis and La Parka run-in to ruin it. (7:17) They destroy Liger with kicks until Benoit breaks it up. Liger up now, and the two combatants send the attackers out of the ring. Liger and Benoit raise each others arms.
BUFF BAGWELL is standing by with Gene. He will face Meng tonight. Gene says Buff may be a speedbump for Meng, but Buff thinks he will be the roadblock. Hopefully, not THE Roadblock.
Meahwhile, Big Vito and Johnny the Bull argue a bit, then charge into Meng's room. Instead of just leaving, they decide to brawl with the monster.
Total Package is now on the phone with Terry Taylor, disguising his voice and trying to get out of his match with Sid. It doesn't work. No laughs here.
Match #6: BUFF BAGWELL v. MENG - Buff's entrance is over with the crowd. Referee is Mickey J. Back and forth to start, and Buff can't get Meng down until he hits a dropkick. Buff gets nine out of ten in the punch countalong until he's dropped throat first on the top rope. Meng controls with his usual for a couple minutes, including a double backbreaker. Buff gains the offense, hits his horrendous swinging neckbreaker, and a cross body for two. Mercifully, out from the back come BIG VITO AND JOHNNY THE BULL. Somehow, J got bumped in the ring. The two Italians are in, beating on Meng, AND HE DOESN'T CARE! Out goes Johnny the Bull! Buff is on the second turnbuckle, ready for his move. Meng wanders over, ducks, and Vito eats the blockbuster. Ooh, dance, and the Tongan death grip is applied to Buff! Ref is awake, and counts the pin. (5:02) Eerily, that was the same match time I had for the 6th match last Thunder. Now Johnny gets the death grip!
Okerlund is now with the JEFF JARRETT and MONA. Gene stares at Mona's cleavage. Mona beat Madusa in an evening gown match, and Madusa got the title shot. Tonight, Mona will show those guys that she deserves one too. Jarrett: "Slappy . . . chosen one . . . powers that be . . . destiny. Bill Goldberg . . . Dustin Rhodes . . . Nitro . . . hitlist . . . piss me off . . . Tenay."
Backstage, Total Package is shaking his head a lot
Big Vito and Johnny the Bull are recovering backstage.
Match #7: JEFF JARRETT & MONA v. EVAN KARAGIAS & MADUSA - Referee is Billy Silverman. Mona and Evan start. Jarrett is pacing ringside with a guitar. I guess he won't be wrestling? I think Mona's a better technical wrestler than Karagias. Jarrett is taunting Tenay. Madusa is now in the ring, and she gets hiptossed by Mona. Karagias tagged in, and there's a double back body drop. Madusa's back in (?), and she's working on Mona's arm. Mona is fighting to the corner, but Jarrett has his back turned. I was at the PPV when Madusa lost a retirement match to Akira Hokuto. Madusa up top, but she gets bieled off. Evan up top, and he gets crotched. Top rope frankensteiner! But Madusa is up, and she hits a German suplex. Now Evan is off the top and hits a corkscrew splash for the pin. (3:26) Jarrett's not impressed. He's in the ring to taunt Mona. Dropkick from behind by Mona! That pisses Jarrett off, so he CRUSHES her with a guitar shot! Whoa!
A video package covering Bret Harts stay in WCW airs.
'Earlier today,' Okerlund interviewed THE REVOLUTION. Remember, they're their own country now. Oh, and Saturn is still goofy.
Sid is warming up for his match.
And Total Package is still trying to get out of that match, until he is told that he'll get a title shot on Nitro.
Gene is with Lash and Disco. They outsmarted Big Vito and Johnny the Bull. Lash is not just some stooge from Baton Rouge, he's the Ayatollah of shrimp creole(ah).
Match #8: DISCO INFERNO & LASH LeROUX v. DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN (w/Shane Douglas & Asya) - Clip is shown from Nitro when Disco and Lash dumped stuff on those two guys. Dean has the stick, and runs down America a little. Now Douglas has the mic, and he runs down Disco's mom and sister. Out come Big Vito and Johnny the Bull once again. They rush the ring, and pair up with Saturn and Malenko. Asya ball-shots both from behind. The Revolution guys take out the hitmen, and now Disco and Lash attack from behind. Chas Robinson refs once again. Security escorts out the hitmen guys. Shane Douglas joins the announcers. Lash and Disco control, making quick tags in and out, until they argue about dancing, and Malenko attacks. Saturn in, and he knocks Disco over the top and to the floor. Hot tags, Lash is hit from behind, and a pier-four erupts. Douglas clocks Lash with his cast, and Malenko cinches on the Texas cloverleaf for the submission. (4:10) Lugz kick of the week is Saturn's superkick on LeRoux.
Total Package and Sid Vicious are both walking to the ring! Next!
BRET HART is out to provide color commentary for out main event of
Match #9: TOTAL PACKAGE v. SID BUBBLE-ICIOUS - After intros, I've got two minutes left in the show, so it won't be much of a match. Chas Robinson confiscates a weapon from Luger's trunks during his pre-match spiel, and the match is on. Kick, shove to the corner, right, right, right by Sid. Luger off the ropes; big boot! Chomp, chomp, chomp on the gum. Package is begging off. Right, stomp, stomp, stomp in the corner. Package sneaks in a low blow. Inverted atomic drop, off the ropes, and a clothesline sends Sid down. LIZ is now making her way to ringside. Double clothesline sends both men down! Liz tries to spray Package's eyes, but he blocks it and takes the spray. Ahh! Spray into Sid's eyes! A blinded Sid powerbombs Robinson right on his head! Package with the roll up from behind, and Slick Johnson is in to count the 1, 2, 3! (2:26) Sid's eyes must've cleared up, as he goes right for Package and hits the powerbomb! And that's the show. See you next week!