Hello everyone, and welcome to my first ever Thunder report. Let me know
what you think, 'kay?
We are TAPED from Mobile, Alabama. Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Scott
Hudson. We are 72 hours away from Starrcade!
First out are Sid Vicious and Chris Benoit. Tenay and Hudson play up each
man's match at Starrcade. Sid is gonna powerbomb Nash to the Earth's core.
There will be no retreat, only surrender. Benoit promises to become the new
champion of ladder matches. Sid calls out the Outsiders, but instead we get
Curt Hennig, along with the WCW Corporation. Hennig says Nash and Hall will
be busy tonight with Goldberg and Hart. Hennig says the PTB are tired of
being called out (huh?) so they will wrestle EACH OTHER tonight instead, or
they'll be suspended for 6 months with no pay.
Tenay and Hudson hype tonights "House of Pain" match between the Outsiders
and Hall and Nash. Later tonight, Bagwell vs Vampiro, DDP vs Kanyon, and
Smiley vs David Flair. Juventud Guerrera joins the announce team, after
ripping off the Rock in the ring. Juvi promises to "Live la vida loca"
tonight, as Tenay and Hudson act all pissy.
Backstage Sting jumps DDP in his locker room, then leaves him after hittng
him once or twice. Page of course, sells like he's been hit by a truck.
We're back and DDP knows how to walk again. He's looking for Sting, yo.
VAMPIRO (sans Misfits) VS BUFF
BAGWELL (sans talent or heat)
Vampiro is out for our next match, sans any Misfits. Hooray! He is wearing
the makeup though. Bagwell (and stupid hat) follow. Vampiro gives an okie
blow, to show what he thinks of Buff's talent. Juvi admonishes the
announcers to call the match. This of course means Oklahoma is out to join
the announce team. Vampiro flips out of a monkey flip, and levels Bagwell.
Vampiro to the top, but Bagwell catches him, and tosses him of the top.
Buff ducks a couple of kicks, and reverses a rana attempt with a powerbomb.
Aaron Neville is in the audience BTW. After a couple of minutes of
uninspired action, Dr. Death is out to smack Vampiro, but Jerry Only is out
to distract Dr. Death. Vampiro gets in a couple of shots, then heads back
to the ring. Dr. Death nails Vampiro with the BBQ sauce as Vampiro was
heading up to the top rope, and Buff hits the Blockbuster for the pin. What
a clusterfuck. Postmatch, Vampiro catches a Tiger Driver from Dr. Death on
the outside, and gets splattered with BBQ sauce. Jesus. And yes, there was
a match in there someplace, but it was only window dressing for the
Evan Kourageous is walking backstage with Spice. Madusa's gonna be pissed.
DDP is still looking for Sting.
TAFKA Prince Ieukea gets interview time. Paisley speaks for him, as she
promises to "party like it's...2000." Woof.
TAFKA PRINCE IEUKEA (with Paisley) VS
EVAN KOURAGEOUS (with Spice)
Juvi calls this match "the Jabronie match of the week" Kourageous is out
first with Spice. TAFKA is out next, complete with elaborate entrance. Am I
the only one who's reminded of Glacier? This is a non-title match, for some
goddamned reason. TAFKA gestures, and Kourageous ties him up, and hits a
Thesz press and a top-rope crossbody. Ieukea with a double-leg, but he
throws Evan out. Madusa is out now, and she confronts Spice. Evan is busy
chatting up Paisley of course. Ieukea gets him back in the ring, but misses
a top-rope elbow. Kourageous hits a top-rope dropkick, but the ref is
distracted by all of the girls in the ring. TAFKA rolls up Evan as he tries
to get the ref's attention for the pin. Madusa decks Evan post-match.
DDP has found Sting, and commences to whoop on him. But wait, IT'S NOT
REALLY STING! Jesus, it must be the Black Scorpion!
SATURN AND ASYA (with Shane Douglas) VS
HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN AND MIDNIGHT
The Revolution is out next, as Juvi accuses them of being boring. If I was
paired against Jim Duggan, I'd be boring too. The lights go out as Shane
gets hold of the mic, and Midnight is suddenly in the ring. Jim Duggan is
out next as Midnight's backup. Saturn is forced to sell Duggan's offense,
which consisted of punches, a headlock, and more punches. Shane Douglas
gets on commentary as Saturn tags in Asya. Duggan grabs her by her ponytail
and tags in Midnight. Midnight picks up Asya in a really cool surfboard.
Saturn with the blind tag as Asya eats a dropkick. Saturn lays out
Midnight, and Harlem Heat are out now also. Asya vaults over the top rope
into the ring, and hits a snap suplex on Midnight. Legdrop and a couple of
stomps for Midnight. Shane and the commentary team jaw back and forth, as
I'm wondering if I NEED to listen to this for the recap. Duggan is in, and
hits the ten punch count along. Scoop and slam on Saturn, and Duggan hits a
clothesline. Midnight and Asya fighting now, and Saturn is still selling
Duggan's offense. Shane knocks out Saturn with the cast, but Dean hits
Duggan with the 2x4 to break up the count. Duggan gets the timber though,
and nails Saturn for the pin. Post match, Duggan gets stripped of his
janitor suit to reveal US flag-themed underwear. AARON FUCKING NEVILLE
the 2x4 now, and he climbs gingerly into the ring to defend Duggan. The
match was crap. The angle is crap. Saturn, Malenko and yes, even Douglas
are so much better than this. Would it be SO FCKING HARD to run another
Triple Threat? That's basically what this is, but they're in an absolute
SHIT of an angle.
David Flair (and headless doll) get interviewed backstage by Mean Gene.
Flair yells. Gene says "What the hell is that?"
Sting is walking backstage, but he's looking for Luger. Why? Luger was the
guy dressed up as Sting who attacked DDP. Ummmm okay.
WCW HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
SREAMIN' NORMAN SMI-LAY VS DAVID FLAIR
Norman Smi-lay is out wit' da plundah. David Flair is out with his trusty
crowbar,and the headless bear. Smi-lay is in Crimson Tide colors tonight,
BTW. Flair hits a trash can shot and a back bodydrop, but eats a trash can
lid from Smi-lay. Smi-lay with the scoop and s slam. Smi-lay Wiggles, but
Flair is up and behind him. Flair dances along with Smi-lay, but hits him
with a trash can. Meng is out, and he rips up Flair teddy bear. Smi-lay
takes off for the back, and Flair wins by countout. That one may have gone
5 minutes, but don't quote me on that.
Sting is out for our next match, but Al Snow is going against Mankind on
UPN. DAMN! Sting has the stick, and he calls out Luger because of tonight's
earlier shenanigans. A guy in a Sting mask is out, and the two commence the
rasslin'. Of course it's Luger, but we're not supposed to know that.
(Shhhhhh!) Finally the announcers say that it's Luger, but no one really
cares. Luger stomps Sting, and gestures to Liz at ringside. Sting comes
back with 2 Stinger splashes, but eats a big boot and the third try. Luger
grabs the bat, but Liz stops him from using it. Sting hits a low-blow, then
puts Luger in the Torture Rack. He drops him though, and Liz gets clipped.
Luger grabs the bat while Sting attends to Liz, and Luger beats Sting
repeatedly. Big deal. The usual gang of idiots come out to break up the
clusterfuck. I should point out there was no ref, so this was never a
match. The crowd was COMPLETELY dead for this, but with the way WCW uses
canned heat, I wouldn't bother to cheer either, seeing as how the sound guy
will decided what he wants the crowd to sound like.
DR. DEATH (with Oklahoma) VS THE
WALL (with Berlyn)
Dr. Death comes out for our next clusterfuck. Let's just call it like I see
it. Juvi says they call him Dr. Death because he looks like death warmed
over, or something like that. Oklahoma is out too, of course. Berlyn and
The Wall are out next, to an overwhelming sea of apathy. It looks like the
match is going to be Dr. Death vs. The Wall. Dr. Death no-sells a couple of
moves, then hits a couple of punches and a slam. Dr. Death with some chops
in the corner, then a whip. Dr. Death eats a big boot, and The Wall goes on
the offensive. Chavo is in the audience, hawking crap. The Wall hits one of
the worst chops I've ever seen, but we take another look at Chavo. The
crowd is chanting for CHAVO now, and Juvi is imitating Oklahoma. Who cares
what's going on in the ring? Ref calls for the bell after Berlyn hits Dr.
Death. The Wall nails Berlyn, but who gives a fuck? Dr. Death knocks The
Wall out of the ring. How can they torture me like this? And what kind of
name is The Wall anyway?
Backstage, Dustin Rhodes is checking to see which door is open, and which
one is closed. Has he, y'know, WRESTLED since he's been back?
I DESPERATELY wish I was watching Smackdown right now, because at least
that's entertaining. I feel like I'm losing brain cells by sticking with
WCW. This coming from none other than a WCW mark.
We come back to a recap of what happened on Nitro. If you really want to
know what happened, let CRZ give you the link to Monday's report,
so you can read all about it.
Buzzkill is circulating a petition and carrying a "No Nukes" sign. I prefer
the "nuke the Whales" poster. Gotta nuke somethin'.
CURT HENNIG (with Shane) VS
Curt Hennig and Shane (God, how it hurts to type that) are out for our next
match. They'll be facing Dustin Rhodes, in what could be a main event at
any arena in the country. Dustin Rhodes defends his daddy from Jeff
Jarrett, and Hennig and Shane attackspost-catchphrase. Dustin has Shane set
up for the Shattered Dreams, and hits it. Hennig attacks after that though,
and hits a few weak offensive moves. After about a minute of "action,"
someone "flies" out with Dustin's "Seven" gimmick stuff. Of course, it's
Jeff Jarrett, who nails Dustin with a guitar. Ref calls for the bell to
give Dustin the DQ win. JJ's music plays as the three men continue to
assault Rhodes. JJ actually hits a WRESTLING move (the Stroke, of course)
to complete the beatdown as we go to commercial.
Too Cool is on Smackdown. Goddamit, I can't believe I'm picking this crap
over Too Cool and the Hollys!
WCW Mayhem: the Music! GET YOURS NOW! Or don't. I actually did get it, and
there are a couple of good tracks. Of course, I'm a great big mark too.
Jeff Jarrett gets interviewed backstage in a really painful moment. He does
get to say Slapnuts though.
Roddy Piper has just arrived, and he's screaming like a freak. Go fig.
SID VICIOUS VS THE CRIPPLER CHRIS
Sid (and his whomp-ass music) are out next. Benoit (and lasers) follow. How
much do you want to bet the Outsiders run in on this one? Sorry, the house
is closed, no bets taken. Sid's got the mic, and he says he (and Benoit)
doesn't mind 6 months off. Sid asks the PTB to take off their dresses and
fight like real men. Hennig comes out, and says the whole WCW Corporation
will take them on in a 5 on 2 handicap match. Clusterfuck ensues. La Parka
eats a chair, Shane gets a powerbomb and La Parka gets a chokeslam, all
from Sid. Benoit has a ladder he got from under the ring. Creative Control
whip Benoit off the ropes, and Benoit shoves the ladder into their faces.
Crossface on one of CC, but the other one makes the save. Hennig hits
Benoit with the ladder and the ref calls for the bell. Sid and Benoit get
beatdown by the Corporation, as the crowd chants for Goldberg. That was 4
minutes of my life that I'll NEVER get back. With that, we go to commercial.
We're bck, and we get another look at what just happened, but in slo-mo.
Piper gets interviewed by Mean Gene. Piper promises to be a pain in the
PTB's side. Because pain is a 4 letters word, or something like that, and
he's the gatekeeper for the House of Pain match tonight. I really didn't
CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON (with ho's and
lawyer-guy) VS DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE
Kanyon and his entourage are out, as Juvi calls him Chris Shampoo. Kanyon
gets on the stick and sells his Hollywood experiences. "CCK" is an
unstoppable force, ya know. DDP is out, and Kanyon spits in his face.
Discus clothesline on Kanyon, then Kanyon rolls out. DDP hits a pescado,
then rolls Kanyon back in for a spinning neckbreaker and some more stuff.
Kanyon's lawyer-type is on the mic, selling Kanyon as a big star, up for
Oscars and such. Kanyon hits a sitdown version of the Concrete Crash for 2.
The commentary is just too painful. Spinning neckbreaker gets 2 on DDP, but
DDP gets a rollup for 2. DDP hits the Diamond Cutter, but David Flair rolls
in to hit him with a crowbar. Kanyon throws his hand on DDP to get the
pinfall win. Post-match, Bam Bam Bigelow comes in to protest, and Kanyon
brains him with a champagne bottle. Kanyon celebrates with his ho's in the
Piper attacks Creative Control backstage to get access to the...sound crew?
He tells them to play his music when he says to.
Bret Hart is backstage! He's getting warmed up!
Nash is calling for Hall! Let's look at their dressing room door! Let's use
a few more exclamation points!! OKAY!!!!!!
Finally the Rock has COME BACK to somewhere, but this is the Thunder recap.
Go read the Smackdown recap to see where HE is, and why he's in the ring
with the Big Show. That's what I'M gonna do!
We get a Starrcade promo to remind us to buy the PPV, or the PTB WILL LOSE
Mean Gene has gotten word of a brutal assault on Scott Hall. He'll keep us
WCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: THE OUTSIDERS
VS BRET HART AND GOLDBERG (House of
Piper is out, and yes, they're playing his music. He's brought a pipe with
him! How nice... Wolfpack music plays, but only Nash is out. He's carrying
his tag belt though. At leat he didn't throw THAT in the trash too. Bret
Hart is out next, even though he's the World Champ. Sure, he's NOT an
interim champ. Goldberg comes out last, complete with entourage. Creative
Control attacks Piper as Goldberg makes his entrance. Jeff Jarrett joins
the attack. Goldberg is finally out, and he and Piper fight off the PTB
cronies. The cage door is locked though, and Nash and Hart are fighting.
Goldberg ripped the cage door off! That's pretty coo. Nash waffles Goldberg
with the tag belt, and Jarrett is out again to nail Piper with a guitar.
Jarrett produces ANOTHER guitar, but Goldberg no-sells the guitar shot.
Spear on Jarrett! Nash hits Goldberg with the steel pipe. Goldberg sells
it! Nash and Jarrett handcuff Hart, Piper and Goldberg to the cage, which
is how you win a "House of Pain" match, evidently. Jarrett and Nash
commence the whoopin', but eventually call it off and leave. Goldberg comes
to, and rips his handcuffs out. Goldberg is a superhuman monster! With
that, we fade out.
All in all, it was a show I'll be glad I'll never have to watch again. I
weep for the future. Don't worry though. One day, this show will be good
again. And maybe I can recap it when that happens.
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