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/16 December 1999

WCW Thunder


Guest columnist: Tom Cruz


Hello everyone, and welcome to my first ever Thunder report. Let me know what you think, 'kay?

We are TAPED from Mobile, Alabama. Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Scott Hudson. We are 72 hours away from Starrcade!

First out are Sid Vicious and Chris Benoit. Tenay and Hudson play up each man's match at Starrcade. Sid is gonna powerbomb Nash to the Earth's core. There will be no retreat, only surrender. Benoit promises to become the new champion of ladder matches. Sid calls out the Outsiders, but instead we get Curt Hennig, along with the WCW Corporation. Hennig says Nash and Hall will be busy tonight with Goldberg and Hart. Hennig says the PTB are tired of being called out (huh?) so they will wrestle EACH OTHER tonight instead, or they'll be suspended for 6 months with no pay.

Tenay and Hudson hype tonights "House of Pain" match between the Outsiders and Hall and Nash. Later tonight, Bagwell vs Vampiro, DDP vs Kanyon, and Smiley vs David Flair. Juventud Guerrera joins the announce team, after ripping off the Rock in the ring. Juvi promises to "Live la vida loca" tonight, as Tenay and Hudson act all pissy.

Backstage Sting jumps DDP in his locker room, then leaves him after hittng him once or twice. Page of course, sells like he's been hit by a truck.

We're back and DDP knows how to walk again. He's looking for Sting, yo.

VAMPIRO (sans Misfits) VS BUFF BAGWELL (sans talent or heat)
Vampiro is out for our next match, sans any Misfits. Hooray! He is wearing the makeup though. Bagwell (and stupid hat) follow. Vampiro gives an okie blow, to show what he thinks of Buff's talent. Juvi admonishes the announcers to call the match. This of course means Oklahoma is out to join the announce team. Vampiro flips out of a monkey flip, and levels Bagwell. Vampiro to the top, but Bagwell catches him, and tosses him of the top. Buff ducks a couple of kicks, and reverses a rana attempt with a powerbomb. Aaron Neville is in the audience BTW. After a couple of minutes of uninspired action, Dr. Death is out to smack Vampiro, but Jerry Only is out to distract Dr. Death. Vampiro gets in a couple of shots, then heads back to the ring. Dr. Death nails Vampiro with the BBQ sauce as Vampiro was heading up to the top rope, and Buff hits the Blockbuster for the pin. What a clusterfuck. Postmatch, Vampiro catches a Tiger Driver from Dr. Death on the outside, and gets splattered with BBQ sauce. Jesus. And yes, there was a match in there someplace, but it was only window dressing for the overbooking.

Evan Kourageous is walking backstage with Spice. Madusa's gonna be pissed.

DDP is still looking for Sting.

TAFKA Prince Ieukea gets interview time. Paisley speaks for him, as she promises to "party like it's...2000." Woof.

Juvi calls this match "the Jabronie match of the week" Kourageous is out first with Spice. TAFKA is out next, complete with elaborate entrance. Am I the only one who's reminded of Glacier? This is a non-title match, for some goddamned reason. TAFKA gestures, and Kourageous ties him up, and hits a Thesz press and a top-rope crossbody. Ieukea with a double-leg, but he throws Evan out. Madusa is out now, and she confronts Spice. Evan is busy chatting up Paisley of course. Ieukea gets him back in the ring, but misses a top-rope elbow. Kourageous hits a top-rope dropkick, but the ref is distracted by all of the girls in the ring. TAFKA rolls up Evan as he tries to get the ref's attention for the pin. Madusa decks Evan post-match.

DDP has found Sting, and commences to whoop on him. But wait, IT'S NOT REALLY STING! Jesus, it must be the Black Scorpion!

The Revolution is out next, as Juvi accuses them of being boring. If I was paired against Jim Duggan, I'd be boring too. The lights go out as Shane gets hold of the mic, and Midnight is suddenly in the ring. Jim Duggan is out next as Midnight's backup. Saturn is forced to sell Duggan's offense, which consisted of punches, a headlock, and more punches. Shane Douglas gets on commentary as Saturn tags in Asya. Duggan grabs her by her ponytail and tags in Midnight. Midnight picks up Asya in a really cool surfboard. Saturn with the blind tag as Asya eats a dropkick. Saturn lays out Midnight, and Harlem Heat are out now also. Asya vaults over the top rope into the ring, and hits a snap suplex on Midnight. Legdrop and a couple of stomps for Midnight. Shane and the commentary team jaw back and forth, as I'm wondering if I NEED to listen to this for the recap. Duggan is in, and hits the ten punch count along. Scoop and slam on Saturn, and Duggan hits a clothesline. Midnight and Asya fighting now, and Saturn is still selling Duggan's offense. Shane knocks out Saturn with the cast, but Dean hits Duggan with the 2x4 to break up the count. Duggan gets the timber though, and nails Saturn for the pin. Post match, Duggan gets stripped of his janitor suit to reveal US flag-themed underwear. AARON FUCKING NEVILLE has the 2x4 now, and he climbs gingerly into the ring to defend Duggan. The match was crap. The angle is crap. Saturn, Malenko and yes, even Douglas are so much better than this. Would it be SO FCKING HARD to run another Triple Threat? That's basically what this is, but they're in an absolute SHIT of an angle.

David Flair (and headless doll) get interviewed backstage by Mean Gene. Flair yells. Gene says "What the hell is that?"

Sting is walking backstage, but he's looking for Luger. Why? Luger was the guy dressed up as Sting who attacked DDP. Ummmm okay.

Norman Smi-lay is out wit' da plundah. David Flair is out with his trusty crowbar,and the headless bear. Smi-lay is in Crimson Tide colors tonight, BTW. Flair hits a trash can shot and a back bodydrop, but eats a trash can lid from Smi-lay. Smi-lay with the scoop and s slam. Smi-lay Wiggles, but Flair is up and behind him. Flair dances along with Smi-lay, but hits him with a trash can. Meng is out, and he rips up Flair teddy bear. Smi-lay takes off for the back, and Flair wins by countout. That one may have gone 5 minutes, but don't quote me on that.

Sting is out for our next match, but Al Snow is going against Mankind on UPN. DAMN! Sting has the stick, and he calls out Luger because of tonight's earlier shenanigans. A guy in a Sting mask is out, and the two commence the rasslin'. Of course it's Luger, but we're not supposed to know that. (Shhhhhh!) Finally the announcers say that it's Luger, but no one really cares. Luger stomps Sting, and gestures to Liz at ringside. Sting comes back with 2 Stinger splashes, but eats a big boot and the third try. Luger grabs the bat, but Liz stops him from using it. Sting hits a low-blow, then puts Luger in the Torture Rack. He drops him though, and Liz gets clipped. Luger grabs the bat while Sting attends to Liz, and Luger beats Sting repeatedly. Big deal. The usual gang of idiots come out to break up the clusterfuck. I should point out there was no ref, so this was never a match. The crowd was COMPLETELY dead for this, but with the way WCW uses canned heat, I wouldn't bother to cheer either, seeing as how the sound guy will decided what he wants the crowd to sound like.

DR. DEATH (with Oklahoma) VS THE WALL (with Berlyn)
Dr. Death comes out for our next clusterfuck. Let's just call it like I see it. Juvi says they call him Dr. Death because he looks like death warmed over, or something like that. Oklahoma is out too, of course. Berlyn and The Wall are out next, to an overwhelming sea of apathy. It looks like the match is going to be Dr. Death vs. The Wall. Dr. Death no-sells a couple of moves, then hits a couple of punches and a slam. Dr. Death with some chops in the corner, then a whip. Dr. Death eats a big boot, and The Wall goes on the offensive. Chavo is in the audience, hawking crap. The Wall hits one of the worst chops I've ever seen, but we take another look at Chavo. The crowd is chanting for CHAVO now, and Juvi is imitating Oklahoma. Who cares what's going on in the ring? Ref calls for the bell after Berlyn hits Dr. Death. The Wall nails Berlyn, but who gives a fuck? Dr. Death knocks The Wall out of the ring. How can they torture me like this? And what kind of name is The Wall anyway?

Backstage, Dustin Rhodes is checking to see which door is open, and which one is closed. Has he, y'know, WRESTLED since he's been back?

I DESPERATELY wish I was watching Smackdown right now, because at least that's entertaining. I feel like I'm losing brain cells by sticking with WCW. This coming from none other than a WCW mark.

We come back to a recap of what happened on Nitro. If you really want to know what happened, let CRZ give you the link to Monday's report, so you can read all about it.

Buzzkill is circulating a petition and carrying a "No Nukes" sign. I prefer the "nuke the Whales" poster. Gotta nuke somethin'.

Curt Hennig and Shane (God, how it hurts to type that) are out for our next match. They'll be facing Dustin Rhodes, in what could be a main event at any arena in the country. Dustin Rhodes defends his daddy from Jeff Jarrett, and Hennig and Shane attackspost-catchphrase. Dustin has Shane set up for the Shattered Dreams, and hits it. Hennig attacks after that though, and hits a few weak offensive moves. After about a minute of "action," someone "flies" out with Dustin's "Seven" gimmick stuff. Of course, it's Jeff Jarrett, who nails Dustin with a guitar. Ref calls for the bell to give Dustin the DQ win. JJ's music plays as the three men continue to assault Rhodes. JJ actually hits a WRESTLING move (the Stroke, of course) to complete the beatdown as we go to commercial.

Too Cool is on Smackdown. Goddamit, I can't believe I'm picking this crap over Too Cool and the Hollys!

WCW Mayhem: the Music! GET YOURS NOW! Or don't. I actually did get it, and there are a couple of good tracks. Of course, I'm a great big mark too.

Jeff Jarrett gets interviewed backstage in a really painful moment. He does get to say Slapnuts though.

Roddy Piper has just arrived, and he's screaming like a freak. Go fig.

Sid (and his whomp-ass music) are out next. Benoit (and lasers) follow. How much do you want to bet the Outsiders run in on this one? Sorry, the house is closed, no bets taken. Sid's got the mic, and he says he (and Benoit) doesn't mind 6 months off. Sid asks the PTB to take off their dresses and fight like real men. Hennig comes out, and says the whole WCW Corporation will take them on in a 5 on 2 handicap match. Clusterfuck ensues. La Parka eats a chair, Shane gets a powerbomb and La Parka gets a chokeslam, all from Sid. Benoit has a ladder he got from under the ring. Creative Control whip Benoit off the ropes, and Benoit shoves the ladder into their faces. Crossface on one of CC, but the other one makes the save. Hennig hits Benoit with the ladder and the ref calls for the bell. Sid and Benoit get beatdown by the Corporation, as the crowd chants for Goldberg. That was 4 minutes of my life that I'll NEVER get back. With that, we go to commercial.

We're bck, and we get another look at what just happened, but in slo-mo.

Piper gets interviewed by Mean Gene. Piper promises to be a pain in the PTB's side. Because pain is a 4 letters word, or something like that, and he's the gatekeeper for the House of Pain match tonight. I really didn't understand that.

Kanyon and his entourage are out, as Juvi calls him Chris Shampoo. Kanyon gets on the stick and sells his Hollywood experiences. "CCK" is an unstoppable force, ya know. DDP is out, and Kanyon spits in his face. Discus clothesline on Kanyon, then Kanyon rolls out. DDP hits a pescado, then rolls Kanyon back in for a spinning neckbreaker and some more stuff. Kanyon's lawyer-type is on the mic, selling Kanyon as a big star, up for Oscars and such. Kanyon hits a sitdown version of the Concrete Crash for 2. The commentary is just too painful. Spinning neckbreaker gets 2 on DDP, but DDP gets a rollup for 2. DDP hits the Diamond Cutter, but David Flair rolls in to hit him with a crowbar. Kanyon throws his hand on DDP to get the pinfall win. Post-match, Bam Bam Bigelow comes in to protest, and Kanyon brains him with a champagne bottle. Kanyon celebrates with his ho's in the ring.

Piper attacks Creative Control backstage to get access to the...sound crew? He tells them to play his music when he says to.

Bret Hart is backstage! He's getting warmed up!

Nash is calling for Hall! Let's look at their dressing room door! Let's use a few more exclamation points!! OKAY!!!!!!


Finally the Rock has COME BACK to somewhere, but this is the Thunder recap. Go read the Smackdown recap to see where HE is, and why he's in the ring with the Big Show. That's what I'M gonna do!

We get a Starrcade promo to remind us to buy the PPV, or the PTB WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS.

Mean Gene has gotten word of a brutal assault on Scott Hall. He'll keep us informed.

Piper is out, and yes, they're playing his music. He's brought a pipe with him! How nice... Wolfpack music plays, but only Nash is out. He's carrying his tag belt though. At leat he didn't throw THAT in the trash too. Bret Hart is out next, even though he's the World Champ. Sure, he's NOT an interim champ. Goldberg comes out last, complete with entourage. Creative Control attacks Piper as Goldberg makes his entrance. Jeff Jarrett joins the attack. Goldberg is finally out, and he and Piper fight off the PTB cronies. The cage door is locked though, and Nash and Hart are fighting. Goldberg ripped the cage door off! That's pretty coo. Nash waffles Goldberg with the tag belt, and Jarrett is out again to nail Piper with a guitar. Jarrett produces ANOTHER guitar, but Goldberg no-sells the guitar shot. Spear on Jarrett! Nash hits Goldberg with the steel pipe. Goldberg sells it! Nash and Jarrett handcuff Hart, Piper and Goldberg to the cage, which is how you win a "House of Pain" match, evidently. Jarrett and Nash commence the whoopin', but eventually call it off and leave. Goldberg comes to, and rips his handcuffs out. Goldberg is a superhuman monster! With that, we fade out.

All in all, it was a show I'll be glad I'll never have to watch again. I weep for the future. Don't worry though. One day, this show will be good again. And maybe I can recap it when that happens.

Tom Cruz
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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission