|Guest columnist: Usenet's mdb|
Sayeth CRZ: WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON THUNDER!? I KNOW! SOMEBODY ELSE WILL HAVE TO
REPORT THE RESULTS TO YOU!
Sayeth mdb: THAT SOMEBODY IS ME!
Though technically I don't "have" to report the results. I want to. Yes, I know, there's something wrong with me and I should seek professional help.
I DON'T GET LETTERS!
Still more gimmicks before I get to actually reporting anything! (Like anything that happens on Thunder really matters.)
Sid and Benoit want to fight the Outsiders. Remember when Sid and Benoit fought over the US title in that epic PPV match? Nope? Probably just as well. Remember when Sid and Nash were buddies? Why'd they break up again? I forget. Guess it doesn't matter. Hey, remember when Sid and Savage were buddies along with Mona and Medusa and Gorgeous George? Those were fun times. Anyway, the Lackeys that Be tell Sid and Benoit they have to fight each other or be suspended. Remember when Sid was WWF champ?
Sting and Page fight. Whee.
Juvy's finally back in New Orleans. The Juice adds "It doesn't matter" to the list of stolen lines from the Rock. Remember when the two feds pretended like the other didn't even exist. I kind of miss those days. (not to say it isn't a funny line and a classic old school heel bit)
Vamp vs. Buff. How long before anyone at WCW realizes that face Buff is just down right annoying. Or that Vamp shouldn't be a jobber? Dr. Death and OK out to interfere. Jerry Only out to make the save. 20 eyes in his head!
Page looks for Sting. Have you checked the rafters?
The Wrestler Currently Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea is interviewed by Gene Mean about a nontitle match against Captain Evan Courageous. Apparently Prince refuses to speak English anymore as he whispers to Paisley and Paisley informs Gene that Prince's talent is never in question and they will party like it is the year 2000.
Evan comes out with Spice. Poor CRZ is stuck watching Smackdown! Replay of Spice's tainted victory over Medusa. She's in the ropes, ref! Announcer Juvy calls Evan vs. Prince the 'jabroine match of the week.' Let me play CRZ and transcribe Prince's monologue. "Sage." Whew. I don't know how Zimmer does it week after week. Sixty seconds into the match Medusa comes out. Why Evan would be with Spice when he had Medusa I'll never know. Confusion ensues among the ladies and Prince gets the pin even though Evan's shoulders were nowhere near the mat. Those darn blind refs. But I suppose if WCW doesn't hire the differently abled, it'll end up in a lawsuit.
Page finds Sting in the back. A small brawl is interrupted by a second Sting attacking Page. Why was Page mad at Sting again?
Revolution out. L:ights out. Mydnyte in the ring, but she's one against three. Well why'd you come out in the first place, Mydnyte? Hacksaw's music plays and there's the patriotic American janitor. Hoooo! Faces clear the ring, fans chant USA. Duggan starts with some basic offense on Saturn. Shane Douglas takes over Juvy's spot. Announcers say rumors are running wild about who Duggan's mystery partners are. I hadn't noticed. Asya tagged in and can't do anything against Duggan. Mydnyte tagged in. Asya's real small standing next to Mydnyte. I wonder if Asya's last name is Minor? Bad joke, let's move on. Mydnyte had a cool submission hold on Asya, sort of like the first half of Eddy's Gory Special, but with Asya in front of Mydnyte instead of on her back Mydnyte's got a decent punch. Four minutes in, Harlem Heat out to a good pop. Saturn with a fisto'fire on Mydnyte, followed by a back suplex. Asya with a suplex and a leg drop. Duggan tagged and he punches Saturn followed by ten count punch, slam, clothesline, two count. Asya saves. Tag match breaks down, Stevie Ray don't like Mydnyte, btw. Probably jealous that two weeks in she's already at least 46 times a better wrestler. Finish has Shane hitting Saturn by accident with his cast, and Duggan hitting Saturn on purpose with the 2x4. Duggan gets the pin at about 7 minutes (I need a stopwatch.) Harlem Heat and Mydnyte amscray. Revolution punk out Duggan, tearing off his janitor overalls to reveal Duggan's red, white, and blue boxers. Aaron Neville (Who?) with 2x4 out to save Duggan.
David Flair acts goofy. Before complaining about this current gimmick, think back to Dave's first few appearances. I blame Torrie. If only she hadn't broken his heart...
Backstage Sting looks for Total Package. He knows it was Luger dressed as the other him earlier in the show.
Norman Smiley in football gear out to defend his Hardcore title against David Flair w/ headless teddy. Basic hardcore match. Crowbar shot deflected by garbage lid shield. Trashcan shots. More David antics. Wrestling moves consist of a backbody drop by Flair and a Smiley Slam. Big Wiggle, David does his own shuffle step and nails Smiley with another trashcan. Meng comes out, Norman is afraid, very afraid and takes off screaming. Meng destroys the headless teddy in the most horrific display of violence since Peppy got shredded. David is heartbroken yet again. Match was two or three minutes for those of you who like to know those sort of things.
Norman continues to run out in the parking lot. It's funny! No Forrest Gump jokes cuz I hate Hanks.
Sting out to the ring: 'Enough is enough of this Package. I know it was you. I don't want to wait to Starrcade. Come on down Lex.' Lights go out and a long haired blond Sting (Luger) attacks from behind in a failed attack. Sting dominates early, Luger takes over. Stinger splash. Again. Third attempt meets Luger's boot. Liz comes in to stop Luger from using the bat, Sting with a low blow and then tries a torture rack of doom. In the process he knocks down Liz. He goes to attend Liz allowing Lex to pummell him with a bat. Lex looks real goofy in the Sting make-up. I wouldn't have guessed a Sting v. Luger feud to be so uninvolving.
Sting is indignant to the peramedics as he wonders where Lex is. They're trying to help you Steve! Lex leaves the arena. No transportation problems this week.
Oklahoma and Dr. Death out. The Wall and Berlyn are out. Do they hate each other or not? Does anyone care. Where's Uta Von Translator? Punches, kicks, slams, boots to the face. Chavo in the audience. OK says Chavo's the only guy in the company that sells. Punches. OK and Berlyn have a standoff. Berlyn hits Dr. Death with a boot and the ref sees it. It's a miracle! He can see! He can see! Praise the Lord. God bless us, everyone. The Wall hits Berlyn and I guess that alliance is over again. That was another 3 minute special. Don't worry CRZ, I just downloaded a stopwatch program. I'll get these times!
Dustin to wrestle Mr. Perfect. He starts out talking about slaphappy Jeff and the Bunkhouse Brawl. You'll never forget the name of, uh, wait. Who was that again? Shattered dreams on Shane that looks so totally unconvincing. I won't bother with the play-by-play or stopwatch since Dustin's Seven gimmick comes floating to the ring about a minute in. I felt a great disterbance in the Force, as if millions of MSTies cried out, Oh you can see the strings. It's Jarrett dresssed as Seven. I hope at starrcade we get to see GoldJeff. Guitar shot on Dustin. As part of the Seven gimmick, Jeff has white face paint on. One day all wrestlers will wear white face paint.
Jarrett talks about Dustin. Slapnuts!
Sid and Benoit to challenge the Lackeys that Be. Sid: Powerbomb on Shane. Chokeslam on LaParka. Snap suplex by Benoit on Creative Control #1. Benoit with a ladder in the ring. He sets the ladder up but Control takes over. They whip Chris to the ropes, Chris ducks, off the ropes, pushes the ladder into the harris twins. Xface on Control#2 but #1 and Perfect take over. DQ about 90 seconds in as Hennig and Control#1 hit Benoit with the ladder in plain view of the ref. (No one informed them the of the ref's miracle recovery.) Sid for the save but the Lackeys that Be hit him with a ladder. A few more stomps, a chant for Goldberg, cut to commercial
Piper talks. Pain is a four letter word. Piper makes himself the gatekeeper. Are you the key master?
Why does Hollywood Kanyon have Mortis' music? J Biggs is his agent for those keeping track of gimmick changes. Juvy calls Champagne "Shampoo." I miss the 'Who's better' catchphrase. Kanyon always seemed so shocked and upset when the crowd gave the wrong (right) answer. CCK vs. DDP is your match. Chris spits gum on Page. Page spits gum on Chris. Slap on Kanyon. Harder slap by Page. Page with punches and a pescado. Or is it a quebrada? Back in the ring Kanyon takes over for a moment but Page hits a neckbreaker and a very nice uriange. (Spelt it wrong again, didn't I?) Kanyon crotches Page. Choke on the rope. Punch. Backbreaker attempt reversed to legscissor take down. Page punches, Kanyon with the big foot, Page clotheslines and gets a two count. Kanyon blocks a hiptoss and delivers a swinging neckbreaker. Biggs on the apron, but Kanyon hits his agent. Page with a 2.9 count. Cutter attempt blocked once, but hits a moment later. David Flair sneaks up and hits Page with a crowbar to prevent the win. Page and Kanyon are down. Ref counts. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven! Eight! Nine! Kanyon tries to stand and in getting up puts a hand on Page's chest. 1,2,3. Kanyon gets the pin. Five minutes or so. Gotta get used to starting and stopping the watch. 3B out to talk to ref Charles Robinson about his lack of air time on WCW programs. Kanyon cristens the tattooed skull of 3B, SS Bigelow.
Piper attacks Creative Control in the back. I suppose Control is supposed to be like the agents in The Matrix, but if Russo made them Men in Black, anytime he needed to change or redo an angle, he could just have them come out and wipe the wrestlers memories. That whole logic thing, you know.
House of Pain match. No jokes about jumping around will be allowed! Nash will defend the tag title by himself. Remember the last time he did that? Jarrett and Control attack gatekeeper Piper. Good for them. Hart v. Nash in the cage, Hart knocked out real quick. Goldberg runs out. Jarrett and Control are chased off. Goldberg tears off the cage door. Jarrett is back to clobber Piper with a guitar. Guitar shot on Goldberg gets him to one knee but Goldberg spears Jarrett. But Nash hits Goldberg with a stick to take him out. Bret handcuffed to the cage. Goldberg handcuffed to the cage. Outsider wins in about six minutes. Boom sha lock lock boom. Piper handcuffed to the cage. Yeah, this makes me want to but Starrcade. Too bad Benoit and Sid went home early. Bad guys leave. Too late Goldberg snaps the cuffs. Goodnight!