|Guest columnist: Albert B. Ching|
We are TAPED, from the home of Bob "I never posted to
Mobile, Alabama! And it's time for two solid hours of
action that doesn't suck any more - we promise!!!
Mike "The cadaver" Tenay and
Scott "Double-Tough" Hudson are with us at the
commentary table - which isn't good
news, because that means that I won't be able to get
feel out of my head for like, two hours. And I doubt
will have anything as cool as Elix Skipper vs. Kid
And because this is the new, improved THUNDER~! for the Millenium, we have, coming out first...Sid Vicious (w/o Nancy). And no, not Nancy Sullivan. Because Sid interviews = ratings! This is MUCH better than seeing Matt vs. Jeff Hardy, right? Right? Nitro clips show the Outsiders doing a "we're all over-40" beatdown on Sid. And stop the presses, speaking of Nancy Sullivan, here comes Chris "AT LEAST I'M BEING PUSHED" Benoit. You know, Benoit's music is helpfully now prefaced by "Silent but Violent" - which I guess is his catch-pharse. I still miss his neo-hip-hop music, but such is life. Sid and Benoit make with the threats for their respective Starrcade opponents, and I can't help but think that Benoit/Sid vs. Outsiders would be better build up than a "House of Pain" match - but hey. Chris calls Benoit the king of ladder matches, beacuse HBK just isn't worth mentioning, I guess. Or Edge/Christian and the Hardy Boyz. Heck, Dreamer/Credible at Guilty as Charged '99 was better than Goldberg/Hall in that EXACT SAME MONTH. But anyway...something that isn't "I Hate Rap" comes on the PA, and here comes THE (wcw) COROPORATION - and why not. Curt "CHOSEN ONE, BUT WHY?" Hennig, Uncle Tom, The DOA, and Skeletor are all out - and I'm doing funny nicknames becuase it's ORIGINAL, brah! Hennig gives the Outsiders a re-match against against Bret Hart and "Bill" Goldberg in a "House of Pain" Match - because the kids loved Everlast's solo efforts. And then Benoit and Sid must wrestle EACH OTHER - and if not, they will be suspended for six months. Sounds familiar. Because, then they really might know what it's like...to have to lose...
TONIGHT! - we have all-of-a-sudden best buddies Sid vs. Benoit, Vampiro vs. Bagwell in a "Going Nowhere" match, Hacksaw/Midnight vs. Saturn and Asya in a "mixed-tag" match, David Flair vs. Norman Smiley for the Hardcore Title in a "Cruel Joke" match, and Chris "Champagne" Kanyon in a battle of the former Triad...but first...
QUASIJUICE GUERRERA comes to ringside - and Tenay plays like he's all mad about it, again. Y'know, he was actually pretty funny last week - especially when he was making fun of Prince Iaukea. Blah, blah, Juice comes back to New Orleans, only they're in Mobile, madcap zaniess ensues. Russo loves the comedy, you know that. I like Juvy though and the fact that Russo is putting him on TV while he's injured is good. And he's sporting a nifty sweater, too. Juventud that is, not Russo.
Backstage, Sting jumps DDP - why? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY STING JUMPED DDP!! heh...yeah!
WCW Mayhem The Music promo features ICP - should I assume that this means something, or what? I mean, the ICP are so much cooler than the Misfits, at least in a wrestling capacity. As far as music goes, I could take or leave either of them...
EL VAMPIRO (w/o Jerry Only) vs. BUFF BAGWELL (w/o any real push) - I guess the Misfits couldn't be bothered to show up...oh well. There's an interview with Vampiro in the magazine Punk Planet this month - and that's like ten times cooler than Steve Blackman on the cover of Inside Karate. Anyway, Vamp starts off, Buff shouderblocks him, Vamp gets some kicks in, Buff hits a monkey flip, blah. We're just counting down until the run-ins, but I think I'll have to accept that form this show from now on. Buff counters a rana attempt with a short powerbomb. Hey wow, Aaron Neville's in the crowd. That's *almost* as cool as Chad Brock, dude. Oklahoma's wandering around, by the way. Buff gets sent out via superkick, Vampiro is outside, Dr. Death comes in, Jerry Only, BBQ sauce involved and it's just chaos! But not the good kind of chaos. Buff somehow hits the Blockbuster on Vamp after all that... mess in (3:37). Dr. Death gets in a beatdown of Vamp afterwards, culminating in a powerbomb. BBQ sauce is again involved. I guess this means that Vamp is going over at Starrcade, which everyone knows anyway on account of Steve Williams going back to AJPW. Well, I guess it's something. I wasn't paying attention, but I bet Hudson said something about Buff getting "the duke" here.
Backstage, Evan Karaigas and Head Nitro Girl Spice are walking and looking pretty cozy. Tenay notes that Madusa will be upset. Hey, at least Evan knows that there is no chance that Spice will be able to German Suplex him. Let that be a lesson kids - never date a girl that might German Suplex you.
DDP! Sting! Backstage brawl! It starts out in the ring, it just doesn't have to...aw, screw it.
Mean Gene talks to The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea and Paisley backstage. Paisley is Nitro Girl Storm, which I noticed like right away last week!!! I'm really proud of myself. TAFKAPI doesn't say anything. You know when Jericho was making fun of Iaukea for being "too fat" to be a cruiserweight? That was an entertaining use of this dude. This is not.
EVAN "You are my fire, my one desire" KARAIGAS (w/ Spice) vs. TAFKA PRINCE IAUKEA (w/ TNGFKA Storm) - Let me think for a while as to why Prince Iaukea vs. Evan Karaigas marks a "new and imporved" Thunder. Hmmm. Juvi accurately dubs this the "Jabroni Match of the Week." Dude, Juvi rocks. Seriously. Prince's entrance is long. Iaukea's word of the week is "sage." Next week it'll be "lemon yellow." Evan starts off with some sort of, um...fingerlock. Okay. Evan hits a springboard cross-body that almost misses. Hey, has anyone ever seen that match from Worldwide when Kidman shot on Evan and like punched and kicked him for twenty seconds? That was cool. Prince manages a takedown and a dropkick to the outside. Madusa's out. Oh boy. Prince hits a corner elbow but his top-rope cross-body hits canvas. Evan hits a missile dropkick - that wasn't that bad. All three women are in the ring, Evan tries to make some peace - Iaukea schoolboys him for the pin in (2:04). Am I the only one who is disturbed by the fact that a move which involves grabbing someone by the crotch is called a "schoolboy"? Anyway, I guess we're supposed to really care about Evan/Madusa now. Wouldn't Kay Hayashi vs. Psichosis by a MUCH better cruiserweight title match? Anyone?
DDP and Sting are still fighting! They got better stanima than Stevie Ray! And hey look, it's a FAKE Sting. Originality! I bet it's Luger!! DDP thinks so too.
THAT GOOF PERRY SATURN/ASYA (w/ Shane Douglas and Dean Malenko) vs. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (w/ 2X4)/MIDNIGHT - The Revolution now have a cool light treatment for their entrance. Why not? As soon as Shane grabs a mic, the lights go out and Midnight's in the ring. Okay. Hacksaw comes out now. Duggan pretty much trashes Saturn, and gets a chinlock like twenty seconds in. Asya is tagged in, and Hacksaw pulls her by the hair. HOOOO!!!!!! Midnight/Asya eventually come in, and it's much better. Which isn't saying much. Midnight hits a dropkick. Saturn in, gets a belly/back on Midnight. Asya in, suplex on Midnight. Hey! Wrestling moves! Oh wait, Hacksaw's back in. Again, Saturn has to sell Hacksaw's "It sucked 15 years ago and now I'm almost 50 years old" offense like he's getting killed. Powerslam by Duggan. At least that was, y'know, a move. Three-point stance clothesline. Did I mention the Harlem Heat are out here, looking pretty spiffy? Well they are, but they argue, Stevie, Booker, and Midnight all go to the back to solve their problems over a game of Yahtzee. Hacksaw eventually nails Saturn with the 2X4 and gets the pin in like (7:20). You'd think they could have at least made it clean. It's not like Saturn is saving any face here...poor guy. Revolution beat down Duggan, but at least we don't have to see him covered in Mustard. Aaron Neville and Booker T both make the save. Does this mean that Hacksaw's team will win at Starrcade? And how LAME will it be if his team will be Mike Rotundo, Kevin Sullivan and Rick Steiner? No one will care. Seriously. It's not a good idea, and neither is putting Zybysco, Orndorff, and Arn in matches - what's the point?
Mean Gene interviews David Flair in the back, and Gene asks him, "what are you, nuts?" proving that Gene hasn't been paying too much attention to WCW storylines these last two months.
Bret Hart is um, going through his gym bag backstage. Crash TV! Don't blink or you'll miss something like THIS!
WCW Nitro Girls calender promo. See the Nitro Girls as you've never seen them before! Hey, y'know A.C. Jazz was TOPLESS in that PPV but quit WCW becuase she didn't want to be demeaned - hey, you be the judge.
Sting is looking for Luger backstage. Just ask for the 40 year old white guy who wears FUBU.
HARDCORE TITLE - NORMAN SMILEY vs. DAVID FLAIR in a "Vince Russo's Cruel Joke" match - Trashcan shots. David Flair hits a backbody drop. That move, except for maybe a DDT requires the least effort by the messenger and the most by the receiver. But at least it's, y'know, a wrestling move and David Flair is pretending like he's a wrestler. In the words of Bart Simpson, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." Smiley hits his spinning powerslam. That's a move too! Smiley does the Big Wiggle. You know, I wonder how happy Smiley is with this angle. Just wondering is all. Meng's out, Smiley heads for the hills and loses by count-out at (1:57). Meng tears up David's bear - at least it wasn't dragged out as long as Chavo/Pepe.
If you like watching third-rate wrestling programs you'll absolultely LOVE Twisted Metal 4!!!!
Sting comes out while Juvy tries to sing along to his theme. He calls out the Total Package. An impromptu match ensues. Luger is still dressed up like Sting, and Juvy says it might be Ric Flair. I don't think so. Sting his two Stinger Splashes but Luger is smart enough to block the third. Hell, it's not like YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING! Anyway...Liz is out, tries to stop TTP's beatdown, whatever, Sting is going over at Starrcade in case you weren't 100% sure before.
DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS (w/ Oklahoma) vs. THE WALL (w/ BERLYN) - Again, how is this better than the Old Thunder? Juvy says that Doc looks like Death, and Hudson is quick to defend him. Why? OK joins the commentators at ringside. Juvy mocks Oklahoma with "Second boot! Second boot! Second boot!" That's your Juvi-ism of the night, although it still doesn't hold a candle to "I can beat it with one hand." You know how when a match sucks, the commentators talk about something unrelated? Well when a recapper is talking about the commentators, it also means the match sucks. Hey look, Chavo is selling stuff in the crowd! The crowd chants "CHAVO", which means that he's much more over than these two men and their respective seconds. Oklahoma and Berlyn get involved, DQ in (3:04) as if you couldn't guess. Hey, didn't Berlyn and The Wall already break up? Well, they're really broken up now. I wish he was still Alex Wright - the exact same gimmick, but with more charisma, mic work and without the shitty haircut.
Dustin Rhodes is looking for his hat. Pay attention, this will be important later!!!
You know what the best part of this show has been - NO BLOCK MATCHES!
Let's see, Beck, Rage Against the Machine, Metallica, Foo Fighters have all released new CDs recently, and the Beastie Boys anthology is out... yeah, I think I'll pay MAYHEM THE MUSIC too...it's got Limp Bizkit, and they're hotter than hot!
We see Buzzkill, in a pretty funny skit, try and get people to sign a petition. "What's it for? I don't know, but it's a good petition." Only Russo could "push" a guys like Brad Armstrong and Chavo by giving them non-wrestling gimmicks, and putting David Flair in the ring in almost every show. Am I whining?
Goldberg tapes his wrists backstage. It's Crash TV!!! You don't wanna miss a thing!
CURT HENNIG (w/ The Man They Call Shane) vs. DUSTIN RHODES (w/o his hat, I guess) - Dustin gets on the mic and objects to Jarrett dispariging his father's name. Watch ECW on TNN everybody!!!! Hennig gets the jump, but apparently forgets he has NO offense left, so Rhodes takes over with a slam and clothesline. Shane is in, and gets the Shattered Dreams. Hennig in, kneelift. The creepy 7EVEN music starts. Hey look, it's someone in that costume that Dustin wore ONCE! And it's Jeff Jarrett, who hits him with a guitar. DQ at 2:27, but little of that time was wrestling. Jarrett hits the Stroke on Dustin and Juvy thinks that's a funny name for a move. So do I. Tenay astutely notes that all three of these men are second-generation wrestlers, somewhere in here. Can someone PLEASE explain to me how that was more effective than a regular run-in? I mean, it took a lot more TIME away from, y'know wrestling...so I guess that's...good...
Mean Gene talks to Jarrett, who calls Rhodes a "hornyakker" and gets in "slapnuts", aka the FORCED BUZZ WORD OF DOOM~!
SID VICIOUS and CHRIS BENOIT vs. EACH OTHER - Well, Sid gets on the mic and calls out THE (wcw) CORPORATION, so Hennig makes it like a two on five handicap match. Hennig gets dumped out of the ring at the start by Sid, who then powerbombs Shane and chokeslams La Parka Who Is Not A Cruiserweight If You Ask Scott Hudson. Benoit pulls out a ladder. Beatdown inevitably ensues. Watch Starrcade, because this has nothing to do with it! I don't know what to say for time, since it wasn't really a match, but it was under (2:00).
On that World Records show on Fox, some guy tried to set a new record for getting into a locked straightjacket. That would be more entertaning than that last segment. I could be watching Edge vs. Christian, or even "Jesse"... but hey! Look! It's Roddy Piper! He makes himself the "gatekeeper" aka of the House of Pain match. He then tells Gene that he is going to pack it in, pack it in, let me begin. I came to win, battle me - that's a sin!
CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON (w/ two ladies of the night and Jay Biggs) vs. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (w/o a well-defined heel/face role) - You know what's gonna be fun? Seeing how many internet newsboard recapped misspell "champagne" and how they do it. Kanyon talks on the mic about his Hollywood connections, but doesn't work in "Who's better than Kanyon?" which stinks. This match is a disarming display of continuity, y'know. Paradoxically, though, it's a gross lack of CURRENT continuity - why did Kanyon help Kimberly at Mayhem? Biggs joins the commentary table and doesn't say anything worthwhile. DDP blocks a hiptoss with a swining neckbreaker. Just like Test! DDP hits a Rock Bottom on Kanyon. Tenay says it's a Diamond Death Drop. Kanyon takes over, tries a tilt-a-whirl but DDP reverses into a headscissors. For whatever reason, I just don't like watching DDP matches. Kanyon hits his "innovative" double-leg powerbomb thingy. Kanyon blocks a hiptoss with a swinging neckbreaker, which I swear I've seen before, but I'm not sure where. DDP tries a Diamon Cutter but it's blocked, Kanyon tries a backslide but DDP hits the mule kick of doom. Diamond Cutter, but the David Flair lightly taps DDP with his "crowbar" to completely knock him out. Charles Robinson puts in the count... at 9, Kanyon drapes an arm around DDP for the win. Bam Bam Bigelow comes out to protest, but Robinson doesn't care. Kanyon knocks BBB out with a champagne bottle. I hope that wasn't real, if it was, someone is really stupid. But it wasn't.
Piper beats up Creative Control with some sort of stick backstage for some reason, than tells the producers to play his music when he comes out.
Bret Hart is walking towards the ring - the House of Pain match is next! Because Bret Hart would do anything for the ends, y'know.
Kevin Nash is looking for Scott Hall...I'd check the bars, or the arena bathroom...or MAYBE the local retirement home.
Someone beat Scott Hall up in the back. You know how wrestlers can never (from a "kayfabe" standpoint) get hurt in like a, y'know, match? That's just not acceptable?
So, we have...
MAIN EVENT: ARIZONA RESIDENT KEVIN NASH (w/o Scott Hall) vs. "BILL" GOLDBERG and WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BRET HART in a handicap house of pain match for the tag team titles with Roddy Piper as special guest referee - Creative Control are gaining some recompense on Piper backstage. Nash comes out with a "serious" look on his face. Nash and Hart go at it, and Jarrett walks out. This is notable solely because he hasn't washed his face of the 7EVEN makeup in the last like, 45 minutes. That's just funny. Piper beats up Nash with his pipe (the kind you would hit someone with, not the kind you smoke). Jarrett hits Piper with the guitar. Goldberg rips the cage door open. Goldberg no-sells a guitar shot and spears Jarrett. Well, that was kind of cool. All the faces get beaten up and Jarrett and Goldberg handcuff them all to the cage, which I guess means that they win. There's only one word in MY lexicon I have to describe that - retarded.
Well, it's not a "good" show still, but it is a more interesting show and easier to watch. I don't know. I can't really complain, because I really don't care. The only thing that REALLY bugs me is Saturn being forced to sell Hacksaw's offense like he's being murdered.
I still miss the 20 minute Mike Enos/Fit Finley matches, though.
Till next time...