You're gonna get yours BITCH

Justin Shapiro




Well that didn't make a damn bit of sense.

Kurt Angle, I mean. But that was an amazing sequence though at the end of the show there, right? It was hot to the touch and very exhilarating. It still doesn't make sense though. However, at this point, I think my order of preference probably goes 1) something exciting that makes sense, 2) something exciting that doesn't make sense, 3) something boring and/or bad. And after a few weeks of 3s, I'll gladly take a 2.

So Angle's turn is highly lacking in the depts. of logic and character consistency, but you know what? I cried for ninety days after Steve Austin turned on the WWF in July because it made no sense after he Stunnered everyone in WCW and ECW. (Everyone, that is, except Hugh Morrus, Justin Credible, and Mark Jindrak, who were outside the arena beating up the Holly cousins, and Sean Stasiak and Shane Helms, who were in the doorway beating up Edge and Christian. Austin beat them up with his awesome pool cue.) That right there was the end of my emotional attachment to WWF storylines. Or maybe it was when Austin aligned with Triple H the night after WrestleMania. Or when Rikishi was revealed as the driver. Well, I forget. Anyway, by now I'm numb to the millions - and millions - of logic holes the size of the Greater Power that take place on a monthly basis, so I say hooray for the Kurt Angle turn.

What happened to Kurt? I must say, he showed tremendous Babyface Fire between InVasion and SummerSlam/Milkamania, but something went terribly wrong. It was a combination of the fans not buying Kurt as a top stud after he played the dorkzilla for so long (ooh ouch, I've got a pain in my character consistency) and Kurt's face promos being as flat as a hill. Wait, no, not a hill. A flat surface. Making Kurtski a rehash of '98 Austin didn't help either. Enough of that Americana bullshit, Kurt? I think not. You became everything that your Olympic Gold Medalist And Celebrated Real Athlete character parodied so deliciously. For shame, Kurt Angle. In his book, Kurt wrote that he hoped to one day get the fans to love an Olympic Superhero babyface, and he almost pulled it off. But what's another mistake made in the direction of a top guy among friends.

If Kurt's turn is going to be illogical, it might as well lead to awesomeness. Awesomeness stabilizes nonsensical booking, you know. Here is a two step plan to awesomeness:

1. Kurt Angle and Stephanie must finally do it. By "do it" I mean "have sex." It's time to consummate the relationship. Chris Jericho was supposedly going to end up with Stephanie, but this would be better because it is meant to be. Kurt's wife did sort of come into the ring at the end of the Unforgiven pay-per-view, but hey shut up your mouth. If it takes continuity glitches of great proportions just to take the love triangle to the logical conclusion it's been waiting an entire year for, so be it.

Triple H can then make his huge return as the jilted babyface and chase Austin and Angle. Problem is I also really want to give Jericho the big heel push. Man, it's tough to be the Rock.

2. Steve Austin must give Kurt Angle his gold medals back. But Steve Austin threw Angle's medals in the river! That's what YOU think. Maybe Austin has actually kept the medals since that fateful night in Detroit on August 30. Why? Because you said I'd never have none of these. Stone Cold Steve Austin's got two of 'em - they belong to you. What? I said they belong to you, Kurt.

Austin should totally present Angle with the medals in another reenactment of the '96 medal ceremony. (Remember who interrupted Angle's reenactment in May? Would you believe it was Shane McMahon? Of course you would, because you remember.) From there on, it's back to the glory days of the Austin and Angle skits. "You think Stone Cold Steve Austin's a big tough guy all of the time, but I gotcha something, you little rascal." "Yeehaw, howdy partners." "It's a gold badge. It matches my gold medals." And so on.

Raw on Monday did a 4.2 off quarter hours of aaah I'm tripping out of my mind on painkillers. Alright, I swore I'd never do this but it's time for a very special edition of


Isn't it stupid that the /Tuesday update on Wednesday? It really is. Well, I wrecked my freaking car on Monday! It hurt too. See, I was driving to Monday Night Football dragging your dead daddy's coffin at a high rate of speed (minus the part about the coffin), and this truck decides to make a wide turn and take up two lanes. So my car goes WHAM right into the back of the truck, and then the back of the truck crashes through my windshield and gets all up in my area. So I, well, I ducked out of its way because I am awesome. My steering wheel smashed back into my shoulder and I was like, "Dude." I think the fact that I had to maneuver to save my life has got to overshadow the placement of blame on me for the accident.

Anyway, my car had a truck in it, and I was thinking "You know, it would be gay if my car exploded. I am so out of here." Then I took off my seatbelt (yeah I was wearing my seatbelt!), opened the passenger door, and crawled out. So I've got glass in my face like I'm Shane McMahon at the King of the Ring, and these paramedics come and they make me lie on the ground and I'm all, "C'mon, I wanna stand up." And they were like "no no you must be seriously injured by the looks of things" and they put me on the stretcher and load me into an ambulance. So I'm tied to a stretcher in the ambulance, and I the first thing that occurs to me is, "Goddamn, I refuse to be Scott Christ 2001, faking a car accident to get out of writing an internet wrestling report." And the second thing that occurs to me is, "Oh no, Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to come from the front of the ambulance and whip my pink and black ass!" But he didn't. :(

Then they CUT MY CLOTHES OFF. What the heck? That was my only pair of jeans. And was it really necessary to put in two IVs? I wish they would've put in WrestleMania IVs. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and conducted many x-pacs and kat scans, and the paramedics say that were I to have hit the truck at any other angle, I'd be dead, and if I hadn't ducked the back of the truck, I'd be dead. But instead of being dead, I sustained minor cuts and a hairline fracture of the left shoulder where the steering wheel hit it. I'm UNBREAKABLE! Like in that movie? Unbreakable? I'm unbreakable!

Sure, my beautiful '99 Nissan Altima is completely destroyed and the engine sits in the front seat. But I



Next time, y'all best bring kryptonite.

I have to wear a sling for two days, but I think I'll keep it until the cuts on my face heal, because ...

Sling = sad story -> sympathy

Cuts on face = creepy story -> fright

I don't think anybody should care too much about my personal harrowing tale except to note that anything is better when you can relate it to wrestling. And when I slammed my breaks and was skidding 75 feet towards the back of a truck, I'm pretty sure part of my inner monologue said something along the lines of "Austin! Austin, don't. Austin, please. Don't do it, Austin. You're gonna regret this. Austin, don't do it. Austin! Austin! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

And a week (day) later, I was back on TV (this website) without a scratch (with lots of scratches).

But the moral of the story, the moral of this song, is simply that one should never be where one does not belong. And when the doctors were diagnosing my injuries and telling me that I was a living, breathing, walking miracle, I said "Doc, listen to me. Can you get me out of here by 9 o'clock? I've got a Raw to watch and a Tuesday News Update to write."

If I live until next week: A powerful, provocative, moving, hard-hitting look at the McMahontics running rampant on WWF TV, and a heck of a lot more in terms of straight up news & facts. Like what event in WWF history coincided with the day the cast members on Tough Enough were interviewed by Vince McMahon. (Hint: The XFL folding.) I was hired to be a news updater, and I'm going to fulfill those obligations. If you would like to buy me a new car, preferably another blue '99 Nissan Altima, please send me an e-mail.

Justin Shapiro
[slash] Tuesday

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