BLAH

I don't have anything interesting to say here! Let's check the news.

RAW:

• There wasn't anything that memorable coming out of this show. The nWo smashed a cinder block on Austin's knee. People say "cinder block" in "quotes" to suggest that it wasn't "real", but nuts to that, I say. Who knows what sort of indestructible titanium knee braces Austin has on? Isn't it possible that the block of concrete was just no match for them, and that's why it shattered into dust upon impact? I thought so.
  
  Also, Stephanie McMahon has a big vagina. I dunno about you, but I didn't really need to know that. Can you believe that Stephanie is just one "Hunter likes to do it in the butt" Howard Stern appearance away from having every private area of her anatomy discussed at length for millions to hear? It kinda makes you stop and think.
  
  

• Speaking of last week's Raw, which I was not, I've watched the nWo/Rock segments a few more times and you really gotta give it up for Jim Ross. Is he not the best? Watch it again yourself and catch the little comments that JR throws out there.
  
  To wit: Hogan and Rock both removing their sunglasses. Lawler comments on how more experienced Hogan's eyes are, to which JR responds "Yeah. Rock's a YOUNG man." Zing! Then Lawler acknowledges the "2 Sweet" painted on Rock's back. JR hits us with "Too Sweet! That's YESTERDAY!" Oh, do tell. Then during the ambulance attack when Hogan gets in the truck, honking the horn as he backs up, JR delivers "The horn is blowing... and so is this attack!" How can you not love this man? JR, you make it all worthwhile.
  
  

• This was pretty fun. The mid-card guys off getting a chance to shine, that's nice to see. They were all playing for Charity, as is the norm for any famous people on a game show. If you didn't catch it, here's a quick review from me:
  
  
  • The first event was having to climb up a ladder into a helicopter as it circled around a large body of water. The trick was that they started hanging with just their arms, so getting their legs up there was the challenge. Matt Hardy, I think, did it the fastest in just over a minute. Jeff Hardy fell as he was at the top and was eliminated from the competition. Lita was eliminated after Jackie and Molly both had faster times.
    
    
  • The second event was drinking a shake of animal brains and 3 ingredients that were determined by each person rolling some dice. Matt Hardy and Jackie both gulped theirs down like troopers. Test took one sip of his drink that included rooster nuts and he quit on the spot. Molly tried but couldn't finish her shake that included cod liver oil, bile, and some sort of fish paste. But as she walked away we got a nice look at her phat bootay stuffed into a pair of jeans. You go, Molly.
    
    Alert eagle-eyed viewers like myself might have noticed the part where the wrestlers smelled the fish sauce being added to Molly's drink and Test gave a contented "mmmm" when it passed him by. Stephanie's vagina declined my request for a response.
    
    
  • The final event, down to Matt and Jackie, was to walk up and down a set of narrow logs that were standing on end to form steps. The purpose was to grab a flag attached to the lowest log, walk up the 8 or so that were there and leave the flag on the last log, then repeat until you'd done it with 3 flags. All while the show made it rain on them. Matt had some trouble and fell a few times, but Jackie couldn't step up the logs with her little legs and she had to quit. Matt wins!
    
    
  Like I said, it was pretty fun.
  
  

• Well, I had a chance to see this show and what a show they showed me. The production was shit, the best match of the show I would peg at just "all right", and the horrible commentary with the attempts at putting the WWA over were just too much to bear. Two things really stick out, though... the horrible interviews by Bret Hart and Larry Zbyszko.
  
  Bret was going along fine, and I can only imagine that they told him he needed to fill some time, but wow did he come completely off the track and mow down innocent bystanders. First he announces the main event of Jeff Jarrett vs. Brian Christopher, and booking that is hardly Bret's fault, but he got the honor of having to explain why anyone should care. Maybe that impossible task caused a few wires to short out, cause things rapidly went downhill from there.
  
  Bringing up Australia and the last show, in almost a repeat of what he said at their last PPV, was one thing. Then bringing up September 11th and telling us how the "World Towers" (good try) were "bombed" (well, no) was another. Then he had to bring up the Canadian hockey team's gold medal win from earlier in the day, which quickly turned the crowd on him. So to win them back, Bret brings up Bin Laden and how we should all kick his ass for a cheap pop. Good grief.
  
  But we hadn't seen anything yet. Later in the show came Larry Zbyszko, to the delight of the 4 people who still remember who he is. Larry went on to cut the most ridiculous promo ever, insulting Vince McMahon and calling him bitter (oh the irony) and eventually challenging Vince to a match at a WWA show. God help us. AND he insulted Chris Jericho, who Larry said is too short to be a living legend, despite that a quick Yahoo search of Larry's stats show me that he's actually shorter than Jericho is.
  
  If seeing a man with no name value left at all trying to act like he's still a major star, and end up pissing away what slim shot he ever had at doing anything in wrestling ever again, then getting a tape of this show should be high on your "to do" list.
  
  I can't wait for the next show!
  
  

• 5 matches have been announced for WrestleMania so far.
  
  
  • Chris Jericho vs. Triple H - unified title match
  • The Rock vs. Hollywood Hogan
  • Steve Austin vs. Scott Hall
  • William Regal vs. Rob Van Dam - I/C title match
  • Chuck & Billy vs. The APA - tag title match
    
    
  Undertaker vs. Ric Flair is expected to be added. And it looks like Angle vs. Kane is a possibility. That's not a bad card but boy would I like it a whole lot more if the nWo guys weren't in it and Austin was fighting the Rock instead. I mean, really.
  
  
• To the surprise of probably no one, a scaffold match in XPW between New Jack and Vic Grimes ended with someone getting hurt. Grimes apparently fell off the scaffold, barely grazed the stack of tables he was to go through, and got whiplashed on the ring ropes. He was taken out on a stretcher to close the show. Grimes, of course, is best known as Droz's drug dealer.
  
  Also on the XPW show was a "buck naked match" between Lizzy Borden and Veronica Caine. Considering that both women are porn stars... and it's more the dirty nasty people getting peed on while putting things up Veronica's butt type of porno... you'd think that such a stipulation would have no problem being enforced. But you'd be wrong!
  
  Apparently XPW has a stable who's gimmick is screwing over the fans. So when Caine (who leads the stable) was about to lose, the lights went out and she was pulled from the ring and covered up. But jeez. If XPW can't deliver on getting girls stripped naked during a match, who can?
  
  
• WWF.com posted lengthy interviews with all 3 nWo members last week. Scott Hall's is easily the best, as he talks all about his substance abuse problems and vows not to have any more problems and so on and so forth. Either we'll one day look back on it and compliment Scott for overcoming his demons, or we'll laugh and laugh. And laugh.
  
  
• The WWF announced quarter earnings last week. They were down by 10 million or something. I'm sure all the newsletters will analyze it to death this week, so maybe next week I'll have more.
  
  
• Mark Henry won the Arnold sponsored Strongman contest, probably guaranteeing him a return to the WWF in the near future. Unfortunately, it looks like Mizark put back on all the weight he was sent to lose! Oh, cruel fates. I hope the WWF brings back Mark and D-Lo together as a team, cause they were good and we need some teams. Also, I hope they bring back Mae Young so she can Mark can get bizay.
  
  

• If you're wondering why Kevin Nash doesn't have a WrestleMania match yet, Scherer says it's because the WWF is leaving him open in case they have to get rid of Hall before the show. It's nice they're planning ahead, but it'd also be nice if they didn't HAVE to plan ahead for stuff like this.
  
  But this reminds me of the people going "sure okay, the WWF fired Eddie Guerrero and Grandmaster Sexay, but they hire Scott Hall" like there's a double standard going on. But there's not. Sexay and Eddie weren't fired for having problems, they were fired when they got in trouble with the law. If Hall is busted for something while working for the WWF and they don't can him, then you have a double standard. Some people!
  
  

Credit, as always, goes to the Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter. You really should subscribe! They knew about Stephanie's big vagina two weeks ago!


• Scott Hall is really embarrassed about his conduct while in LA for Smackdown a few weeks ago. He's apologizing all over the place and he's now back on Anabuse, a pill that causes violent reactions if you drink alcohol.
  
  
• Kevin Nash's feelings were hurt by the fact that the WWF didn't have a match in mind for him at WrestleMania. A match with the Undertaker was an idea, but someone remembered that they're both heels and that the match would be butt awful.
  
  
• Nash and Hall worked out at the HWA training center in the week prior to No Way Out. They did tag matches of Hall & X-Pac vs. Nash & Mike Sanders.
  
  
• A source says it's known within the WWF's inner-circles that the deal has already been done for Eric Bischoff to come in as a part of the nWo angle.
  
  
• Ted Turner is actively looking into buying or investing in a wrestling company. His guys have been meeting with the XWF and an un-named start-up group that will be having a launch announcement sometime.
  
  

• Wanna see Stephanie McMahon's Vagina? Then CLICK HERE. (This is a SLASH EXCLUSIVE!)
  
  

• That's all I got. Bye!
  
  

BLAH