BILLION DOLLAR ASS CRACK
Isn't it scary that there seems to be something new every week to justify
these update titles? Let's check the news.
- The big story this week has to be the forming of a new national
wrestling promotion by the Jarrett family. According to the Torch, which
gets full credit for this story, Jerry Jarrett is launching a promotion that
will air weekly pay-per-views at a price around $10 a show.
Jerry Jarrett, if you don't know him, is a former wrestler and promoter from
Tennessee. He worked creatively with the WWF and WCW over the past ten
years. He and a group of investors tried to buy WCW before the WWF got it,
and every so often his name floats up in regard to a new wrestling group.
And now he's starting one. Probably the biggest thing that can be said
about him is that he was apparently chosen to run the WWF in Vince's absence
if Vince went to jail during the steroid trial, so this ain't some dude off
the street who used to work in a video store.
He's also Jeff's dad, of course. Jeff Jarrett will be the co-owner and
co-runner of the promotion, and will also wrestle... giving him the chance
to really live up to that whole Chosen One gimmick. No other wrestlers have
been signed to the promotion yet, but the Torch newsletter reports that
several indy stars say they've been contacted. The wrestlers say they're
being asked to work 26 dates, meaning the promotion will tape it's shows
kinda like the WWF used to. One show will air live and the next week's show
will be taped afterwards.
The Jarrett's have reached a deal with In Demand PPV for the weekly PPV's to
run, beginning on June 19. Each show will cost $9.99, but there will be
packages offered at a discount where you can buy several shows at once, like
they do with NFL and NBA games. The marketing for the promotion will be
based on what's being called "unprecedented support" from the PPV and cable
- Well, that sure is different. Weekly pay-per-view with no TV? That's
crazy! They've already begun taking the "what makes you think people will
pay for it" comments, which are valid. Comparisons are being made to the
WWF having a similar idea several years ago for weekly PPV's, which didn't
go over well with the cable companies and resulted in the TV show Shotgun
Saturday Night. If the WWF couldn't do it, how could these guys?
But I think you have to keep in mind the reasons why it wouldn't have worked
for the WWF. They already had various hours of free TV during the week, not
to mention monthly PPV events. The weekly PPV's would have been in addition
to all that. But the Jarrett promotion doesn't have anything at all, they
aren't asking fans to pay for one show when there's another one for free the
next day. It's all or nothing.
I'm not quick to dismiss their chances, and I hope they do really well, but
obviously it's all going to boil down to their product. I think there's a
solid amount of people who will buy their show once to see what it's like.
But what if it sucks? Who's gonna buy it again? And even if it's good, how
many people will continue to regularly support them?
It should be interesting, at least.
- The nWo beat Rock and Austin! There was a bunch of gayness with HHH's
dog! The board of directors gave Vince full authority over the WWF! Read
Boy, that dog stuff. Whatever. At least Jericho didn't get a Pedigree in
the dog poop. But I did enjoy the subsequent attack with Jericho using a
sledgehammer on HHH's leg. Did you see Sgt. Slaughter helping Hunter
backstage? Remember when they hated each other? Wouldn't it have been cool
if Sarge knocked Hunter off the stretcher and went "talk about my wife, will
ya!" and kicked his ass? I thought so.
- WrestleMania is this weekend! Here's the card:
It looks like Christian vs. DDP will be added, too. And Dave Meltzer says
we can expect Test & Mr. Perfect & Lance Storm vs. Rikishi & Scotty &
Albert, perhaps on Heat.
- Chris Jericho vs. Triple H - unified title match
- The Rock vs. Hollywood Hogan
- Steve Austin vs. Scott Hall
- Ric Flair vs. Undertaker
- William Regal vs. Rob Van Dam - I/C title match
- Chuck & Billy vs. the APA vs. The Hardyz vs. The Dudleys - tag team
- Kurt Angle vs. Kane
- Edge vs. Booker T
- Jazz vs. Lita vs. Trish Stratus - women's title match
- Well... starting off at the bottom, clearly Team Rikishi must win so
that we can get the dance. Christian is a hometown boy, but he's also a
heel, so it could go either way. But I'll go with Christian. Trish is a
hometown girl and I pick her to win the women's belt because she RULES.
When exactly Trish started to rule I don't know, but sure enough she
Edge is also a hometown favorite, and I don't mean to imply that these
people will win simply because it's their hometown. Trish will win because
she's awesome and it makes sense, Christian will win because I dunno where
it'd go if he just loses to DDP again. Edge, though, he'll win because it's
Kurt Angle should go over Kane, and I can only hope and pray that Pete Rose
is involved this year. I was hoping they'd add a gimmick to this match, for
some reason. I don't even know why, but it'd spice up the card. I guess
they could do it with Edge/Booker instead and have a shampoo on a pole match
The tag title match is a pick ‘em... I say Chuck & Billy retain, but if not,
the Hardys winning is fine. If RVD doesn't beat Regal then something is
wrong. I don't think Undertaker's WrestleMania winning streak should end
here, and Flair losing via Vince interference helps the split and Board of
Directors stuff along, so Taker seems like the easy pick.
Austin vs. Hall is tough... I really wanna say Austin, but the nWo should
win something if they're gonna stick around, and it sure shouldn't be the
other match. And with Nash there to get involved a nefarious finish should
be easy. But I'm gonna pick Austin.
HHH vs. Jericho isn't easy, either. A lot of people were suspecting a
Stephanie/HHH reunion, but way too much has gone down for that to make any
sense. And the way they keep teasing a Pedigree on Stephanie, she's gotta
end up taking it sometime during the match. I hope Hunter wins to finally
give us a title match with a happy ending, but I don't think this will be
the last match on the show so I guess anything can happen. Still, I pick
I think Rock vs. Hogan will be the final match of the night. With Hogan
pinning Rock on Raw, I say there's no way Rock will lose here. If it's the
last match there's no way Rock should lose. Really, there's no way Rock
should lose. I hope he wins. I pick the Rock. Yay Rock!
- The WWF was back on the Weakest Link this past Sunday. Kane won in a
sudden death showdown against Buh Buh Ray Dudley, who was quite impressive
throughout the show. As was Kane. I'll bet he's the first and only person
with visible nipples to ever win the game.
- My main homey J tells me that the Wrestling Observer is reporting
different buyrate figures for No Way Out than the Torch did. While the
Torch says early numbers put the buys near 780,000, Meltzer says they were
under 522,000. That figure would be, I think, somewhere in the 1.3 range...
so still solid, but obviously not as good as the Torch's figure.
We'll get to the bottom of this in just a few months, probably right around
the exact time that it becomes irrelevant. Such is life.
Credit, as always, goes to the ultra swank Pro Wrestling Torch
FOLLOW-UP OF THE
- Hulk Hogan has been getting nothing but positive reviews for his conduct
backstage. He's nice to everyone and doesn't act like he's a big
- Harvard Chris was in the crowd at TV last week, but he's not under WWF
contract and there are no plans to have him feud with Maven or any such
CLOSING OF THE
- You might recall last week's Billion Dollar Booty
update, in which I discussed the plan for someone to grab Stephanie McMahon
and expose her so pictures could be taken. Well, I'm happy to report that
we already have a winner!
Thanks to Hunter from Connecticut, who risked life and limb to provide us
with this shot of the Billion Dollar Ass Crack. I'm sure your check is in
- Hey, I won't be around next week! My lady friend and I are off to
Nassau for Spring Break. Not the Nassau in the Bahamas, we're going to a
Raw with a shitty crowd on Long Island. Ha HA, but seriously,
Since it is post-Mania week, however, and there should be plenty to talk
about... I have acquired the services of a SPECIAL GUEST UPDATER for next
Tuesday's report! This is SO BIG that I don't want to spoil the surprise.
But you know him... you love him... you've dreamt about it, but you never
thought you'd live to see the day! But next week, all your wildest dreams
I sure hope you'll come back! And I'll see you in two weeks.
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