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WWE Velocity by The Cubs Fan




TV14DLV Entertainment [CC] Open.

Fireworks! Cole hypes the fireworks. Is it gonna be that kind of show? The next best thing to being there is watching Velocity on TNN.

this is a Test (Our So Called Sport returns in 1 day! and let's go back to two weeks ago on Thursday) vs Randy Orton - Your hosts are Al and Cole. Cole promises this is a high voltage Velocity. Let's start the show long hype for Linda Miles vs Ivory. Here's Test defeating Triple H, around 30 months too late. Maybe then it really would have been a huge moment. I keep calling Randy "Robby" for no good reason. Test gets bored with this long pre-match narration and forearms Orton in the back. Rights, kicks in the corner, Test has Immunity. Right. Orton thrown over the top rope and eliminated from the Royal Rumble. Referee Brian Hebner stops Test from leaving the ring, Test goes after him, Brian slides out and while Test is yelling at him, Orton is back in and dropkicking him over the top rope. Test recovers and has a few words for Hebner on the way in - clothesline misses, Randy with a right, right, right, corner whip, reversed and Test hits the corner clothesline. Cole is talking about various women, Stacy included, finding Randy attractive - Al: "And you seem to kinda think he's cute too!" Test Sucks. Test Takes His Time. Corner whip, corner clothesline. Randy pulling himself up the ropes - boot to the head. Boot. Slam. Off the ropes, elbow drop but no one's home. Randy with a forearm, forearm, Test stops him with a knee. Whip, clothesline misses, Randy hits the DDT. Randy pulls himself up in the corner - Test charges but no one's home. Right, right, right, whip, reversed, ducks the clothesline (three) and Randy hits the lunging forearm. Randy off the ropes, ducks the clothesline (four) and Randy hits his clothesline. Randy going up, getting set up - cross body one two no. Kick, whip, reversed into a short knee (ah, Test has noticed the pattern too), pumphandle, over the shoulder slam. Test tells Brian Hebner to get in position, hook the leg, one two NO. Test was sure that was his finisher this week. He sets up for the boot, ducked (five?), kick and Randy hits the Overdrive/Play Of The Week. One two NO well I guess he has no finisher. Slam, no Test goes behind - there's the Last Rites/Roll the Dice. One two three. (4:02) Randy made only one mistake (they claim.)

Back on Smackdown, we set up tonight's main event. Graphic: Linda Miles vs Ivory, later tonight.

Stacker 2 HBK returns (on RAW) of Monday

Godfather (w/walking stick) vs Hugh Morrus - Cole's confused by Godfather's bandana. Al says that Cole was one of the Godfather's best customers - huh. Godfather, seeing the success it brought Test, attacks Hugh from behind. Your ref is Teddy Long. Punches and kicks, though sometimes he kicks and punches. Boot choke. Whip, clothesline misses, Hugh grabs the ropes and stops himself from running into a big back kick. Godfather charges, misses the clothesline, and Hugh turns around to clothesline him out of the ring. Yay. Hugh can't follow up, because Godfather pulls him out. Hugh gets the better of the punches, and Godfather's thrown in back in. Godfather goes to elbow drop Hugh as he rolls back in, but Hugh sees it coming and rolls out, then comes back in  when it's safer. Off the ropes, clothesline. Push in the corner, mounted punches. One two three for five BIG shove. Kick to the midsection, off the ropes, Mafia [Al: "Organized Crime"] kick. I think I may steal Al's name. Turnbuckle smash. Turnbuckle choke. Forearm. Whip, Godfather off the ropes and a jumping clothesline. One two NO. Godfather argues, picks up Hugh, right right right, whip, reversed, head down too soon so it's kicked, off the ropes and into a powerslam, one two NO. Whip, reversed, Godfather misses the clothesline (three) and Hugh eventually back suplexes him. One two no. Forearm to the back. Corner whip, charge into Godfather's boot. Godfather with the feet on the ropes cover, one two Teddy catches it. Godfather FINNALY hits that clothesline, and now he'll go out. Grabbing the ring bell - of course Teddy Long is gonna grab it and go put it back, and of course Godfather is going to use that distraction to grab the walking stick and smash it in Hugh's face. Even Cole notes that Godfather's pulled this same trick a couple of times - maybe Regal stole it from him. One two three. (3:21

Later tonight, Linda debuts! But next, Jericho and Edge.

I love how they've put the really bright WWE logo over the top of the old logo(s) to obliterate it - and in the process, draw more attention to the change.

Snickers Top Rope Spear of Last Thursday - this time, notice Edge grabbing his shoulder right after impact.

Hey, let's repeat that spot again in slow motion till you get the idea. He hurt his shoulder hitting Angle. Too bad it looks like Edge grabs the shoulder he did NOT hit Angle with after impact. That's kinda strange. Anyway, move on to this week - yea, that was the other shoulder. It happened some other time, but we want you to think he'd risk his body just for the win. (6:32)

New WWE Desire video, brought to you by Creed ("Weathered") and Theodore Roosevelt. (3:26)

Chavo Guerrero vs Funaki - "I think I do everything better than Tazz...and I'm better looking." Circle. Funaki claps. No one else does. Al suggests these Oklahoma are against him - he's from Texas! That reminds me, I wonder how Funaki feels about Shawn Michaels returning. Lockup, Funaki hammerlock, hammerlock into a headlock takedown, Funaki with the legscissors escape and both up. Chavo headlock takedown, Funaki legscissors, break. A third time! Now Chavo decides to switch it up and uses an armdrag into an armbar. Cole says we've heard a lot about Jamie Knoble but we really haven't. Funaki kips up, armdrags out. Chavo grabs the ropes for a break.. Al retcons that he knew Nidia was involved with someone during Tough Enough, but had no idea it was the Hurricane. So why did she want to hook up with Chris Ni. that one time? OOOOH plot hole only I'll care about. Lockup, Funaki gets Chavo in the corner, clean break no Chavo's gonna push him away. Chavo charges into a drop toe hold, now a hiptoss, dropkick, again Chavo decides getting in the ropes is the best strategy here. Nidia gets off on the violence - like Bubba! Funaki turns for a second and Chavo with forearms to the head, and then throwing him in the corner shoulder first. Push in the corner, shoulder to the back, shoulder to the back, dropkick. Chinlock around the ropes. Same spiel as always on Chavo. Funaki fighting back with punches, but a knee stops that. Corner whip, Chavo charges in but no one's home - there's the bulldog. Right, whip, reversed, Funaki goes for the bodyscissors rollup but Chavo hits the face first powerbomb. Rolling him over and covering one two no. Right. Chop. Funaki battling back with rights, but Chavo goes behind him - that's an abdominal stretch with a chinlock added. Funaki elbows out, corner whip, reversed, Funaki kips up, Chavo catches his legs, and Funaki scissors him out of the ring. Funaki pescado! Al says "Ohio, the heart of it all" and Cole brings up the poll where Al finished as the third (out of three) most favorite wrestler of Lima. Funaki throws Chavo in, Chavo threatens to go out the other side but Funaki catches him. Back suplex, no Chavo lands behind, kick, whip, clothesline misses, Funaki slides under anyway then he's up and kicking, caught but the enziguri is not! Cover one two no. Chavo in the corner, Funaki walks over and gets yanked into the turnbuckle by his tights. Kick, shoulder back breaker! One two no. Cole talks about Funaki having a background in wrestling in Japan. "Fancy that - he's Japanese!" Chavo goes for the brainbuster, but Funaki blocks - La Majistral! one two NO! Funaki's no Kenny. Whip, reversed, Funaki goes for a reverse DDT, but Chavo turns it around and there's the brainbuster. One two three. (4:39) Chavo wants his arm raised twice!

Backstage, Linda Miles and Jackie NoLastName talk. They're no worse than Torrie and Stacy. Jackie needs to be louder and enunciate more. Anyway, the point is that Jackie will be in Linda's corner for her match. 

#1 Contendership fun. (7:24) The match we've been hyping all night is next.

You know, thinking back about, my favorite reality sports TV series, the whole series went downhill after the cut of Tes. It just wasn't the same, and they never recovered from the downbeat; you could really pick it watching the Down Low marathon they had this weekend. Oh, they're actually showing the 2 Weeks Ago On Thursday clips while I digress - your winner was Linda.

Ivory vs Slam Dunk Linda Miles (w/Jackie NoLastName) - When you think about it, the real winner of Tough Enough 2 was Ivory. Who'd she have to face? Torrie, Stacy and maybe Trish once in a blue moon. I don't like her new outfit, though. It's too busy. No one says "Gayda" which is sad because it seems so fun to say. Say it with me: GAYda. GayDA. Gayda. Linda comes out, then about 10 seconds later, Jackie comes out. Ivory stares at them, wondering "Is this what I taught you about learning your cues?" Maybe not. They both say hello and hug Al. Cole is sad that no one hugs him. Oh yea, her music is whatever the Rob Zombie song they were playing during that live show. And in the commercials for the CD. I guess I should've paid attention. Cole rightly asks why Al is sitting at the desk in his wrestling tights - Al says (unlike Cole's suit wearing Thursday co-host) he's ready for any match that might happen. Ivory slaps Linda! Welcome to the WWE. Snap mare, headlock, one two she just got it up (I guess - bad angle) and reverses to the leg scissors. Ivory has problems breaking free. Linda up, but she walks right into the headlock, takedown, legscissors reversal and she's holding it in - Ivory's having lots of trouble breaking it - now trying to bridge out of it, and finnaly she breaks free. Both up, Ivory gets a kick in, off the ropes shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, under, into the hiptoss. I guess that was a slap. Linda goes to follow up but she gets drop toe holded on to the bottom rope. Stomps on the back. Boot choke. Running sit. Al says TE was all about giving the contracts to the best two, and the best two just happened to be women - nothing more to it. Well, I guess I don't have to watch Confidential then! We actually turn the hour to Confidential right here - Velocity's gonna have a habit of going late, I guess. Whip, reversed, dropkick (late and slow?) but Ivory grabs the ropes. Ivory with a legdrop. Cole and Ivory talk about Jackie and Linda being like family. Cover one two no. Reverse neckbreaker. Al's hyping Jackie: "She's got so much heart - she wants it so bad!" Ivory with a corner whip, charge into a boot, Linda charges out and nails the clothesline. And another! She's better than half the guys on this show! Hanging vertical suplex. She can't quite get Ivory all the way vertical (leaning a bit) but it was quite a site - one two NO! Whip, and that's a horrible backdrop. Linda used her motion to push Ivory up instead of flip her over, so Ivory had to make the adjustment at the last second. Would have been a nice flapjack if Ivory knew it was coming. Linda going up! But Ivory catches her with punches. Linda was actually moving her feet to the inside of the ropes before Ivory got to her. Ivory climbing up to join her - superplex? No, it's blocked. Ivory's pushed off. Linda going all the way up, and now Jackie on the apron - she pushes Linda off! Jackie makes exaggerated head movements as Ivory (having distracted the referee) picks up the leftovers - Blow Out. One Two Three. (3:56) Al has no idea what's going on, but isn't really happy about it. Ivory and Jackie walk off together, so let's see replays. Al checks on Linda as Ivory and Jackie celebrate on the stage. 

That's it - Confidential is now. (If it sounds like an angle, looks like an angle and smells like an angle, it's probably the irrelevancy of the hyping point of a show - though I'm not sure which one.)

The Cubs Fan
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