Opening credits walk off the job - jumping right into the show.

Pyro's booming - announcers chattering - it must be VELOCITY! Al Snow isn't here, so we're stuck with Tazz because this is apparently the best we can do, teamed with Michael "DAMN!" Cole.

TONIGHT: A return match from a week and a half ago - Bob Holly gets a rematch against Kurt Angle.

BILLY and CHUCK (with Rico) vs. MARK HENRY and RANDY ORTON (for the WWE World Tag-Team Titles)

Henry and Orton earned this title shot by defeating...... Uhhh, they got a shot. Randy Orton's got as many tools as his daddy Bob apparently. The champs hug - remembering the gay vibes they're supposed to be giving off for the first time in about 6 months. Chuck and Henry start things off by locking up. Chuck's shoved into the ropes - right back into the lockup - Chuck is shoved to the floor. Chuck slides back in - charges at Henry and winds up shoved right back down to his ass. Whip - Chuck hits the corner. Henry wants some noise, THEN charges and hits the corner sternum first. Right, right, off the ropes - Henry ducks a clothesline and hits Chuck with one instead. Chuck rolls to the apron, then rushes across the ring to hide in the corner. Billy pats him and assures him everything's alright. Billy in - and tells Henry he wants to face Orton and NOT him. Orton gets the tag. Boot to the midsection from Billy, right, right, into the whip - it's reversed - Billy jumps over the backdrop - Orton off the ropes and does the same - both men turn and Orton catches Billy with the hiptoss. Dropkick floors Billy. Chuck is quickly in, and he too faces a dropkick. Billy's had time to recover - comes over - Orton goes for a hiptoss, but Billy blocks the move and hits a DDT! Orton's content to lie in the middle of the ring holding his head while Billy tags out to Chuck. Quick bodyslam connects - Chuck off the ropes and hits an elbowdrop. Off the ropes, another elbowdrop, into the cover, 1, 2, Orton kicks out. Orton's on his feet, but a short arm lariat quickly puts him back to the mat. Chuck races to the corner with Orton in his hands and hammers away. Chuck taunts Henry which prompts him to head on over. The referee orders him back to the corner - and Billy uses the advantage to beat on Orton. Tag and a switch. Orton is placed in the corner - Billy kicks and punches before choking out Orton. "RICO SUCKS!" Speaking of Rico, make sure to tune into American Gladiators on TNN this week - because I understand Rico's competing in the finals. Granted it was about 8 years ago...but he wasn't famous then. Orton comes out of the corner and clotheslines Billy to the mat. Michael Cole HYPE HYPE HYPES Confidential. We have a tag on each end - and Chuck's none to pleased about having to go head to head with Mark Henry. Henry runs over anyone wearing red - sending Billy to the floor. Powerslam for Chuck - into the cover, 1, 2, Billy dives back in to make the save. Whip - the boys are setting up for a double clothesline - but Henry's more than enough man to take 'em both out! Orton rushes in - and there's a Cactus clothesline on Billy. Rico's on the apron making noise - Henry's apparently retarded because it's enough to cause him to wander over - turns and tries a clothesline on Chuck which is blocked and there's a Jungle Kick! Henry stands - but Billy's back in with a Fameasser. Chuck covers, 1, 2, 3. The push is dead - go back to OVW.

Time: 5:17

Let's not wait - right into the next match. Hey, I can dig it.

RIKISHI vs. ALBERT

WWE Velocity is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol GTX, and Snickers. Hey, wasn't this supposed to be a pay-per-view match a month or two ago? RIKISHI TOUCHED HIS NOSE! Hi kids! What could have possibly caused this classic to get shoved onto the backburner? Rikishi ducks a clothesline and goes to work. Right, right, right - Albert's had enough of THAT and shoves Rikishi into the corner. He throws a million rights and a million stomps. Rikishi comes out of the corner and gets clotheslined. Standing, he gets hammered some more. Whip - Albert goes for the sunset flip - but Rikishi's patting his ass - and misses the buttdrop. Albert tries a scoop slam, but Rikishi is far too fat - causing him to fall right back. 1, 2, Albert just kicks out. Rikishi back on the offensive - blocking punches and hitting punches. Going for a whip - it's reversed - and Albert hits the avalanche. Back to the opposite corner, here's another avalanche. The announcers are back to talking about Austin again. Tazz: "This isn't a ratings getter." Both guys are out to the floor. Rikishi gets slammed into the steps head first - Albert breaks the count - and slams the head back in again. That won't work - Rikishi has a hard head! Well, he DOES appear hurt. Albert off the ropes - the big splash hits. Another big splash, cover, 1, 2, Rikishi kicks out. Rikishi is back to his feet - Albert off the ropes - Rikishi catches him with a Samoan drop! Back that ass up. Rikishi charges ass first to the corner - Albert side steps - then nails Rikishi with a bicycle kick. Cover, 1, 2, Rikishi kicks out. Albert heads to the top - but Rikishi bounces into the ropes which knocks him down. Albert's crotched and falls. Rikishi's backed the ass up again - running and this time it hits! Standing side kick - Rikishi drags Albert to the corner, climbs the turnbuckle, and hits the Banzai! 1, 2, 3.

Time: 4:01

Rikishi finds his hat at the top of the stage. Michael Cole: "350 pounds of fun!" Errrrr... And we dance.

It's a very special appearance on Velocity! Mae Young and The Fabulous Moolah are in the house. Michael Cole shills Moolah's book "The First Goddess Of The Squared Circle". And the ladies proceed to do...nothing?

Two weeks ago, The Hurricane found out who was sending him the notes. Apparently Nidia used to have lots of sex with The Hurricane, but they are no longer having lots of sex - HOWEVER she IS sleeping with Jamie Knoble, and of course he wants the Cruiserweight Title. Yes, the day has arrived when the Cruiserweight Title has become Sportz Entertainment-ized. (Remember Oklahoma?) Don't you contradict me!

JAMIE KNOBLE (with His Girlfriend Nidia) vs. FUNAKI

Funaki's apparently some stiff competition for Jamie Knoble. Lockup - Knoble gets the knee in his midsection - body slams him hard to the mat and drops the elbow several times. Cover, 1, 2, Funaki kicks out. Whip - Funaki avoids the hiptoss but connects with his own. Drop toe hold - Funaki tip toes over the prone body of Knoble - then baseball slide dropkicks him in the face. Wheeee! Funaki leaps onto Knoble's shoulders - but Knoble falls right back and makes a lot of gestures. He then crawls over to the apron where he and Nidia press their faces together and move their heads back and forth. Funaki rolls him up - 1, Knoble's up and TAKES OF FUNAKI'S HEAD with a clothesline! Cover, 1, 2, he kicks out. Knoble grabs Funaki and throws him hard into the turnbuckle face first. Choke in the corner, 1, 2, 3, it's broken up. Knoble stomps him down - then chokes him with the boot. Whip across the ring - Funaki flies into the corner - comes out but is picked right back up by Knoble and driven back first to the corner. Scoop into a backbreaker - cover, 1, 2, he kicks out. Knoble puts on a surfboard submission - but Funaki fights to his feet. Knoble with a whip which is reversed - Funaki going for a dropkick but Knoble hangs on to the top rope. Right off - Knoble misses an elbowdrop. Funaki stands, right, right, whip is reversed - and Funaki meets Knoble's knee right in the midsection. Knoble takes him to the ropes and chokes him out right in front of Nidia. Knoble backs away - allowing Nidia to slap him then choke him out. Knoble picks him up - there's a whip into the ropes - and Funaki catches him with an abdominal stretch! Knoble quickly reverses with a hiptoss. In the corner, Knoble kicks at the midsection - whips Funaki across the ring - charges and takes a boot to the face. Funaki runs over - and hits the rana! Dropkick, whip to the corner - Funaki runs with a knee up - grabs the head of Knoble and hits a bulldog!!! Slow crawl into the cover, 1, 2, he kicks out. Whip from Funaki is reversed - Knoble misses a right hand as Funaki slides under his legs - trying a kick which is caught by Knoble and there's a dragon screw leg whip. Knoble applies a really neat looking reverse Figure Four called "The Trailer Hitch" and Funaki's had enough for this night.

Time: 4:20

WWE SNICKERS REWIND: We have ourselves a good old fashion contract signing - which doesn't really make sense in a day of open challenges and matches on the spot, but whatever.

Here's a highlight package from the first half hour of Smackdown! Triple H tears up the set with a sledgehammer after being ambushed by every security guard in the place - and demands a match with The Undertaker. Vince complies, and books a tag-team match. Triple H breaks a $50,000 camera just for kicks.

So we move ahead to the main event which was like Every Other Main Event On Smackdown! For The Past Two Years. Hulk Hogan saves Triple H from a further beating after the match, and both Triple H's pose down.

WWE BURGER KING BURN OF THE NIGHT: Kurt Angle pins Bob Holly two weeks ago - so Bob kicks his ass.

KURT ANGLE vs. HARDCORE HOLLY

Kurt's wearing his wig once again, I'm assuming because this was taped before Smackdown! Bob slides into the ring allowing Kurt Angle a chance to stomp away. Bob stands and counters with a flurry of punches. Head to the turnbuckle - another - and another and Kurt falls. Bob tries to rip off Kurt's hair - so Kurt slides under the bottom rope to protect himself. On the floor, Bob chops away. Kurt gets sent face first into the steps - and is rolled in. Kurt runs off the ropes, and right into a powerslam. Bob covers, 1, 2, Kurt kicks out. Whip from Bob is reversed - Kurt telegraphs a backdrop and gets kicked in the chest. Bob wanders over - and Kurt throws him away with an overhead belly to belly suplex. Kurt heads over and stomps him. Right hand drops Bob. Scoop - vertical suplex into a cover, 1, 2, Bob kicks out. Bob tries to reverse a whip - so Angle pulls him in close and hits another belly to belly overhead suplex! Again Bob tries to reverse a whip - and again Kurt throws him with a belly to belly overhead suplex. Now Kurt's in a celebrating mood! A whip is reversed - and this time Bob pulls Kurt closer - boots him in the midsection and nails a DDT! The referee stats a count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...and they're both back up. Bob blocks Kurt's punches, nailing his own. There's a backdrop. Chop in the corner - goes for a whip which is reversed - but Bob bounces right out of it with a clothesline. Another clothesline. Whip - dropkick to the chin. Cover, 1, 2, not enough! Kurt hooks on to the top rope - so Bob picks him up by the legs and kicks him in the nuts. Setting him up - Bob hits a powerbomb! 1, 2, Kurt kicks out! Bob shouts at the ref - and when he turns, Kurt's ready with a rake of the eyes. Kurt tries a short arm lariat - but Bob ducks - tries his own belly to belly, but Kurt blocks him - turns - and hits a German suplex! Kurt hangs on - tries another, but Bob rolls forward, 1, 2, NO! Kurt grabs Bob's leg, which is enough to take him down and it's the Anklelock! Kurt drags him into the middle of the ring - but Bob finds it in himself to roll over onto his back and kick Kurt away. Kurt comes at Bob, but meets a belly to belly right into a cover. 1, 2, Kurt gets a shoulder up. Holly's limping from the Anklelock - but still manages to pick Kurt up for an Alabama Slam. Kurt however's in great position to hook the top rope and avoid getting slammed - rolls down the back and rolls him up! 1, 2, Kurt hooks the top rope, 3! Cole: "Angle beat him with the DAMN ropes again!"

Time: 6:24

Stick around, Mean Gene just might know where Steve Austin was this past Monday next on Confidential.