Attitude - Entertainment - WW

Tony Garea brings The Rock to RAW, and fans around the country spontaneously combust with excitement. Smarks sat on their hands and yawned. Aren't we a fun group?

Opening credits.

The pyro's lit, Michael Cole's yackin', and we're LIVE (on a really really really late tape delay) from Columbus, Ohio. Al Snow has returned from Wherever He Was Last Week.

RANDY ORTON vs. ROB CONWAY

When was the last time the WWE debuted a guy who had no build prior to the match? It's been too long. They trade hammerlocks while Michael Cole goes over the final four of the King Of The Ring. We got ourselves a clean handshake - how 'bout that. Fireman's carry into a cover gets 2 from Conway. In the corner, Conway leapfrogs a charge from Orton, and appears to land awkwardly, causing him to limp around. Refs and trainers come rushing from the back to check on Conway, while Randy Orton - redubbed One Helluva Guy during this segment - wants to make sure he's okay. So the first chance Conway gets, he nails Orton in the back. I haven't seen THAT trick since Bret Hart did it to Roddy Piper about three and a half years ago. Conway drops Orton onto the steps and rolls him back in. But forget that cool stuff, we could be talking about Triple H and The Undertaker! They have a match you know, and it certainly isn't going to suck. Orton recovers, heads to the top, and hits the Steiner Bulldog for 2. Michael Cole loves Smackdown! just that much more than RAW because on Smackdown! we build stars - and certainly never ignore rockin' little matches to talk about the main eventers. A powerslam from Orton gets 2. Conway rakes the eyes - leaps to the second rope - and misses a crossbody block. He got some serious hang time on that one! Orton follows with a crossbody of his own, and gets 3 because there's no justice on this planet.

Time: 5:29

TONIGHT: D-Von Dudley gets a return match with Faarooq. Whether masturbation will be involved is yet to be determined.

Jamie Knoble stands with Nidia. She licks him a whole lot - while he declares his intention to get his hands on the Cruiserweight Title. If he wins, they won't have to go back to the trailer park. Is Vince paying that little these days?

Velocity is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol GTX High Mileage - Drive HARD, and Snickers Cruncher - don't let hunger happen to you.

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. ALBERT

Either the heat machine is in overload, or Albert's suddenly really over. He'd better watch out though, or his gut's gonna wind up as big as his head. And isn't Chavo a heel? Albert promptly throws Chavo to the corner - and Chavo hits his head on the bottom turnbuckle. I sure hope that was scripted, otherwise Chavo's gonna need a Tylenol in the morning. Chavo tries coming back - and gets thrown into the corner head first again. Jesus that looks rough! Chavo takes Albert out at the knees, tries a cover, but only gets 2. Chavo pulls down the top rope, but has his grip slip loose. Albert, always on duty, falls over the top rope anyway. Chavo tries a plancha but winds up caught and driven into the ringpost. Albert walks up the stairs with Chavo in a military press slam position - sending him back over the top to the ring. Commentators drool over the strength - but nuts to that I say! Do it on someone who weighs more than 100 pounds soaking wet, now we're talking. YAAAAAAAAVALANCHE hits. Hook of the leg, 1, 2, Chavo kicks out. Rest hold, rest hold, rest hold, enzuigiri! No, it wasn't from Albert. That gets 2. Albert picks Chavo up in a powerbomb position - and hits the backbreaker on his shoulder. That doesn't end it. Albert decides the turnbuckle cover is unnecessary, so rids a corner of it. The proceeding catapult does not work, since Chavo leaps to the second rope and he kicks Albert in the chin. A blind charge sees Albert hit his own exposed corner, Chavo covers, 1, 2, 3! Holy shit!

Time: 5:14

WWE SLAM OF THE WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS: Kurt Angle nails The Undertaker with a chair...by mistake?

Hulk Hogan's gone Old Skool! "If Hulkamania reigns supreme at King Of The Ring, if we can beat the Gold Medalist, that just puts us one step closer to Hulkamania being immortal. You know, one at a time, we're gonna cut these guys down. He's got the moves, he's the technician, but Hulk Hogan has the millions and millions of fans back brother. With that by my side, with the power of Hulkamania running wild, I actually feel sorry for the bald headed Gold Medalist, Kurt Angle." Yeah, but he's not senile too!

TAJIRI vs. WHO....HUGH!....MORRUS

Oh god, Cole just said "T-aaaaau-rie" in that REALLY whiney way he does. This match gets a mute button, 'cause I want to enjoy it. Hugh shoves Tajiri back to the corner, but misses the clubberin' forearm and Tajiri gets a shot in. Spot repeats itself. Hugh hates this spot, and runs over Tajiri with a clothesline. Some elbowdrops miss though and Tajiri's feet are ready for a workout. Kicking and chopping, kicking and chopping. Come on Hugh, don't take that! Tajiri swings through the ropes with a dropkick to the knees that floors Hugh. A military press doesn't work as Tajiri sneaks down the back to get a couple kicks in. Handspring elbow hits, but the crucifix does not and Tajiri gets PLANTED! Hugh goes up...Savage elbow! Cover, 1, 2, awww man. Hugh powers Tajiri around, then calls to the fans. He's headed up! No Laughing Matter misses - Tajiri goes up and misses the moonsault, but still manages to kick Hugh around long enough to hit The Kick To The Head and get the pin.

Time: 4:10

I knew turning off the mute button was a stupid idea. "And what about that N-ewww-rotica theme song." Until Michael Cole stops sounds like HE'S whining when he speaks, I won't either.

Everyone gets promo time tonight. Triple H is wet. He promises to take the WWE Title from Undertaker. "Like you say, dead man walkin'...you're damn right."

A quick rundown of the card takes us into another promo. Hurricane says tomorrow night's match with Jamie Knoble is the most important of his WWE career. The mask does not make the Hurricane, he always will be the Hurricane - and after King Of The Ring will still be the Cruiserweight Champion.

SNICKERS CRUNCHER REWIND: D-Von hates masturbating, but Faarooq loves it. A fight erupts.

BROTHER LOVE (with Slick) vs. FAAROOQ

D-Von has a sermon. Shoot me now. It's gonna be hard to forgive himself for what he's gonna do to Faarooq tonight.

Faarooq, haven freshly pulled his chain, emerges from the back. Faarooq hammers on D-Von. Deacon Batista gets a free shot in while the referee's back is turned - and again when Faarooq rolls to the floor. Back in, we have a cover, and only a 2. D-Von: "Who's the man?" Me: "Vader!" D-Von puts on a chinlock and uses the ropes for leverage - but LIES to the referee about it. Why would a preacher lie? My faith is gone. I used to believe in you D-Von. Confidential is next - I'm not recapping that until I can sit in front of the TV with my computer. Faarooq, through the power of spanking it, starts a comeback. D-Von slips away from the Dominator - and gets hit by a (Michael Cole: "DOMINATOR!") spinebuster. The referee died during this time period though, so Deacon Batista attacks. D-Von revives him (it's a miracle) and gets the pinfall.

Time: 4:36

I liked their Smackdown! match a whole lot more.

Credits are up, Faarooq will be damned - and we're out.