You are here

WWE Velocity by The Cubs Fan




TV 14 DLV CC Entertainment Open Fireworks - your hosts are Cole and everyone hates Marc Loyd and they want to hype the new Undisputed Champion.

Chavo Guerrero (5) vs the Hurricane (8) - Wow, Chavo's really balding. Announcer alternately talk about Shannon (who's not out here) and Hurricane growing up together, and their surprising amount of tag team chemistry. Chavo seals the cape and throws to the floor just because he can - right, back elbow, ducks a clothesline, eye poke. Turnbuckle smash, Chavo gets a corner whip and kips up, but Hurricane didn't follow. Chavo turns around into a right. Set up in the tree of woe - there's the stomp to the groin. Hurricane sets up - "Japanese Shining Wizard." One two no. Chavo rolls out, but Hurricane's gonna follow with a pescado, Chavo pushes him on the way down, Hurricane lands on his feet, Chavo clotheslines him. That counter looked more like a messed up move, but it seemed like it was supposed to happen. Stomp. Back to the apron, back to the apron, right, kick, thrown in. Chavo with a stomp. Later - Funaki vs Noble for the Crusierweight Title. European Uppercut. Turnbuckle smash. Kick, kick, Hurricane with a right, Chavo with a forearm to the back. European uppercut - no, Hurricane catches it and goes for a backslide, it's blocked, so Hurricane turns it into a cross arm version of the Edge-O-Matic.  Corner whip, reversed, Chavo charges in and Hurricane kicks him away. Chavo recovers quick and nails Hurricane with a dropkick. Stomp, stomp, one two NO. European Uppercut, stomping. Boot choke in the corner. Chavo's backed out of the corner - no he's sneaking back in with a stomp. Big back suplex. One two no. Hurricane may be dead weight - Chavo setting up for the Brainbuster - no, blocked, blocked, Hurricane fights back out of it, ducks the short clothesline - Eye of the Hurricane! But he's too tired to cover. Both up - Hurricane wins the battle of the punches, so Chavo goes to a kick. Off the ropes, right into the jumping first. Right, whip, backdrop. Hurricane goes up - cross body one two No. Corner whip, Chavo goes in chest first - running neckbreaker one two foot on the ropes. Hurricane can't believe that. Suplex? No, Chavo goes behind, right misses, Hurricane with the goozle, but he takes too long with the Thumbs Up and Chavo elbows out. Whip, reversed, Hurricane with a kick, setting him up - Vertebreaker? It's been so long, I had to look it up to remember - and Chavo escapes it anyway. Inside cradle with tights one two three (5:38) Loyd says Brian Hebner so it almost sounds like "Blind Hebner" - and quick off to this video package: Pledge to Participate. No change in the ladder. (1:01)

Later - Billy/Chuck vs Randy Orton/Hardcore Holly. And also, the cruiserweight title is on the line - Noble vs Funaki!

Tobacco is Whacko if you're a teen or Batista on Thursday

Albert vs Mark Henry (world's strongest man) - Cole: "I want to give Big Up to all my buddies at Moheegan Sun. ...big props to all of those who showed up" Tonight is the night of matchups it feels like we've had before but apparently have not. Cole talks about Henry's "big" win over Awesome last week - well, at least he remembers. Loyd says Albert just wants to get a win streak going. Circle. Henry pushes him away. He's strong, you see. Talk about Funaki being the #1 interviewer and how Loyd is gay. Lockup, Albert with a waistlock, blocked, Henry goes behind, waistlock takedown. Albert's mad and kicks the bottom rope - Mark mocks him. Circle. Lockup - NO Albert with a kick. Corner whip blocked blocked, reversed, Henry charge into a boot. Albert charges out into a Press Slam - he actually gets him up! Wow. Mark is pumped. Albert with an elbow when Mark tries to follow up. Suplex is blocked, blocked, and Mark hits his own - of the hanging variety. You get the idea that Mark is very strong? One two no. Albert rests on the middle rope, Henry appeals to the crowd - running sit on the back. Wow, Loyd actually called in the Chocolate Moose - first time in forever someone's said it. "Who's house?" Albert resting on the ropes - there's the scissors kick to take Henry out as he comes back in. Albert going out - whip into the barricade. Cole starts talking about Albert's football background. Right, right, knee. Albert back in to break the count. Henry thrown back in, Albert follows, Henry fighting back with kicks, Albert with a knee to the midsection, corner whip chest first. More forearms, and then a big Albert Smash to the back. Is the Vader Bomb actually going to hit? YES! COVER HIM! NO DON'T POSE YOU MORON! Well he's losing for sure now. Surfboard. The key in hitting the Vader Bomb is that Mark was face down, so he couldn't get his knees up like everyone does. Surfboard's still on, Mark trying to get the fans back in it - battling up, elbows, but Albert with forearms. Corner whip, reversed, Mark (kinda) charges into an elbow, Albert charges out into a clothesline, clothesline, clothesline. Whip, head down too soon and it's kicked. Albert off the ropes and into a side belly to belly suplex one two no. Mark thought he had it. Both are slow now - Henry going for the running powerslam but Albert escaping. Double goozle but Mark breaks the grip. Cole talks about Albert dominating this match from the get go - was that when his moves were all getting blocked? Anyway, Albert with a headbutt, off the ropes, clothesline misses and Henry loads him up for the shoulder powerslam one two three. (5:33) Replay of the powerslam. There was absolutely no running involved. No moving at all.

Coming up - Jamie Noble vs Funaki! Up next, Brock is the champion - he had a match against Matt, but who would be the #1 contender. 

How Matt got his match, and how that match went. Matt's put on muscle but not enough that he should really be out of the cruiserweight division - maybe I'm just annoyed because this means different opponents. Weird that he keeps acting that ay and still faces heels. (2:57) We don't get to see the post match fun.

Up next - Billy/Chuck vs Randy/Hardcore.

Foot Locker West Coast Pop of Last Thursday

Randy Orton and Hardcore Holly (w/Last Week) vs Chuck & Billy (w/Rico) - Separate entrances, hmm. Hey, what happened to Randy trying to and never beating D-Von and Batista? Chuck and Billy are so focused, they skip fooling around on the stage, throw down the headbands and robes, and head right to the ring. Face to face standoffs - Billy and Chuck back off - rights and we're off. Orton gets a back elbow on Billy then punches him out of the ring - Hardcore clotheslines Chuck out. Orton goes out - Billy into the barricade and he's down. Hardcore brings Chuck back in - double whip, double back elbow. Chop on Billy, chop, chop, whip, reversed, Billy is in to drop Bob on the top rope behind the ref's back. Chuck with a right right right kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick. Dragging to his corner, tag to Billy, make a wish! Stomp. Elbow drop, rights. Turnbuckle smash. Randy rallying the crowd but Billy seems in control. Right right right. Hardcore with rights. Bob is ex-IC champion this week. Corner whip, reversed, Billy out with a clothesline but he's down too. Both men need a tag, but it looks like Billy is just gonna roll Holly over and cover him, one two no. Tag to Chuck, hold for a kick. Overhead belly to belly. Cover one two no. Front facelock, tag to Billy, Billy with a forearm, Chuck with a right right, Billy with a kick, right. Billy Distracts the ref so Chuck can get a shot form the outside - Randy has enough and pushes Choida away to get at Billy and Chuck, but they slide out and Choida yells Randy back to his corner. Chuck back in and a surfboard and chinlock on Holly. Holly punching out - off the ropes, into a boot. Over the shoulder kneeling backbreaker. Tag to Billy, stomp, stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Holly's out of it  - kick to the midsection, Billy calls for it - off the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business! I don't think that's what he was calling for. Both men are down and need a tag. Both down for a while - Billy up first - he's going to tag Chuck. Tag to Randy - Randy in, right for Chuck, off the ropes, forearm. Dropkick (kinda) Right for Billy, right, right, and out he goes. Chuck charges with a clothesline, it's ducked, there's a powerslam. Going up - taking his time - top rope cross body one two Billy breaks it up! Chuck might have kicked out of that too - though it's tough to imagine that anyone would be able to withstand the force of that cross body. Anyway, Holly over to take Billy back out with a right, Chuck with a right, whip, no quick reversal - there's the Overdrive (I always liked that name better) but Rico's distracting Choida - Holly in with a forearm to knock him to the floor. Of course, Choida and Randy are standing and watching that, so Billy has no problem sneaking in and hitting the One and Only. One two three. (6:30) Bob can't figure out how that happened - perhaps this replay will help. Cole points out that Billy wasn't the legal man, odd. Randy and Bob decide to go chase Chuck, Billy and Rico to the back.

Next - Who will be the #1 Contender?

Here's a look at your announcers - they want to talk about the new champion and the new #1 contender. Highlights of Edge/Eddie, Rikishi/Eddie, the post match attack, Benoit/Rikishi, Benoit/Angle and Stephanie. And also Undertaker. Actually, we get a great deal of this match. (7:18)

Next - Noble/Funaki for the Cruiserweight Title (only on Velocity and SmackDown!)

Smackdown #1 Announcers Funaki (7) vs Jamie Noble (w/Nidia, c, 2) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship - This one, we have seen two times before. You notice that when Cole says it, it's "number 1 interviewer" but Funaki never says it that way. Funaki is wearing a SmackDown! shirt this week. Hey, I do spot TAKA in the video after all. They give us no better shots of it then normal but I only saw the Funaki parts the first time I watched this. Cole gets on Loyd for making fun of Funaki's accent. Loyd is gay. Moving on, let's start by circling. Fans get on Noble - oh wait, that's a Funaki chant. A WHAT. This throws off Noble as well, but Funaki eggs it on. Noble explains that he's the champ, then tries to sneak in a shot - Funaki blocks, right, right, knee by Noble. Loyd tries to play up unresolved feelings about Nidia coming onto Funaki, but given Noble's attitude, I don't think he'd care all that much. Whip, head down too soon so Funaki kicks it. Noble charges with a knee and throws Funaki out. Noble out, Funaki in, Funaki with a dropkick to Funaki's head. Funaki going for a pescado, Nidia pushes Noble out of the way, but Funaki catches himself and stops. Nidia distracts Funaki while Noble slides back in - forearm to the back. Head to the corner. Snap mare. Elbow drop to the back, elbow drop to the back. Reverse neckbreaker. Tree of Woe - Jamie goes out and pulls Funaki back by his head, stretching out his back. Funaki taken down - and given a short clothesline. Another - no it's ducked, right, right, whip, dropkick but Noble grabs the ropes. Noble picks him up - small package one two no. Noble misses a clothesline, Funaki with a back heel kick. Whip, reversed, reversed, Noble slides under for the pumphandle overhead slam one two NO. Legdrop one two no. Is that a cobra clutch? Cole is now getting on Loyd for putting down the economic wellbeing of Noble and Nidia. Evil Cole is so weird. Funaki elbowing out - back suplex! Loyd makes his own funny line so Cole just stops the line of discussion. Both slow up - kick is caught, enziguri is not! One two no. Corner whip, running jumping forearm, bulldog one two NO! Confidential is a rerun next! Whip, Noble reverses to a kick, Noble goes for a double underhook something but Funaki backdrops out but Noble hangs on for a sunset flip but Funaki sits down one two NO! Cole: "Noble took way too long setting up for the Tiger Bomb." Corner whip, reversed, Noble charges in, Funaki goes for the corner sunset flip (I guess), but Noble blocks it, loads Funaki on his back, and hits a double leg piledriver! Stealing from Yang, I see and that should be one two NO! Well that doesn't make any sense at all. To his credit, Funaki is dead. Noble pulls him back up - trying for that Tiger Bomb again, but Funaki backdrops out of it (shouldn't they have switched this spot with the last attempt?) Funaki recovers in to a corner, Noble charges into a elbow, then a boot. Funaki to the second rope - off the second rope Tornado DDT! That's his move! I think. But he's too tired to cover - rolling over one two NO! Funaki stumbles to his feet, waistlock, Noble with a go behind, Funaki with a go behind but Noble's already turning and hitting a knee. Double underhook - TIGER BOMB one two three. (5:14) Took three times to hit it, but was a pretty good idea to go for it. They celebrate as they walk up the ramp - wait, Funaki has a mic. "Hey [pulling himself up with the ropes] -  I may have lost [falls back down to one knee] to Jamie Noble [up again], but BUT I know you people still love me. [to one knee - then up again] Because I Funaki - SmackDown! #1 announcer! [collapses]" PLAY HIS MUSIC.

See you next week.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Email the Author

Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission