You are here

WWE Velocity by The Cubs Fan




Very late review of Lord of the Rings: I liked it more than Crash. Great writing, considering the book was written in the Jurassic Period. 

Too early review of Swimfan: I have dumb friends who like going to movies too much.

So the guy jumps on one tramp, than jumps off that onto another one by doing pretty much a Shooting Star Senton (I didn't know you could do that), lands back first on that second tramp, and bounces straight up to slam the ball. And than they had a game, but that was kinda silly because the show was stopped.

TV PG Entertainment Open Fireworks Whatever Else CC I Normally Say Here. Announcers hype - the face to face interview and it's shocking announcement.

Billy Kidman vs Albert - Your hosts are everyone hates Mark Loyd and Cole. Loyd's hyped about our main event: John Cena vs Chavo Guerrero and Cole is just happy to see Kidman. Albert's still bumming from last week's loss (and not all the other ones before it?) and believes he was embarrassed by Henry lifting him up and so forth. Albert helpfully walks to the ring very slow to let them tell this story. You'll notice that the "SmackDown!" barber pole screen has changed to "Velocity." Circle. Kidman has new blue shorts. Let's take a break from the Albert Sucks chant to quote Loyd for a second: "Billy and Chuck - it will be the first ever same sex marriage on SmackDown! - in the WWE history, wouldn't you say?" I guess they got approval to say "same sex" (and maybe even other scary words) and wanted to use it as quick as possible. Screw sense, this is WWE! Cole asks us to imagine how the crowd will react. Meanwhile, Kidman's playing a game of "duck the lockup" but tried it one too many times and gets caught by the greasy hair. Kidman with leg kicks and then right so get free. Albert throws Kidman into the corner, but Kidman ducks a punch and goes back to more ill-advised punches. One Albert right knocks him down. Corner whip, charge meets double boot. Going up - but Albert is over - headbutt, now lifting him up - over the shoulder backbreaker, and he goes to his knees to crank the back even more. One two no. Story is Kidman's not afraid about giving up a lot of weight, and he's had success facing bigger guys before. For a second, I actually remember he beat Hogan, but they use the more relevant match vs Kurt (though that's not really much weight.) Albert with holding knee lifts. Boot choke. Albert goes to follow up after getting a lecture, gets kicks and punches but runs Kidman back first into the corner. Punches (Kidman actually tries covering up), Kidman stumbles to his knees - double underhook lift into a side slam. Fans are really anti-Albert for some reason. I guess that a head crusher. I guess. Kidman battles up but gets a hair slam. Albert walks around, than picks Kidman up over his shoulder - Kidman battles and slides free, ducks the right, ducks the left, his kick is caught but the enziguri is not. Albert doesn't go down but he's stunned. Kidman ducks a clothesline, tries a jumping clothesline of his own but Albert isn't really budged. Off the ropes, jumping back elbow and Albert's still not going down. He is a little stunned, and so Kidman goes for the Dudley Dog, but Albert pushes him in the corner. Albert corner clothesline misses, and Kidman hits a running tornado DDT to take him down! One two No! Kidman going up again - Albert stunned and turns around - missile dropkick one two NO! Another time up but it can't work this many times - flying Orton is caught into a powerslam one two no. Corner whip, here's your mandated AlbertSmash but Kidman breaks script (nah) and moves out of the way - sunset flip, but Albert ain't going. Double choke pickup, with Kidman Albert oddly deciding to put Kidman on the top rope rather than Baldo Bomb him. Kidman blocks a right and punches him, kicks him away Kidman with a flying - well, I think it was either supposed to be a Blockbuster or a sunset flip but Kidman whiffed - he manages to grab a inside cradle after he hits the mat for one two three. (4:43) Well Albert's not gonna take that - Kidman shoved down. Brian Hebner scared off. There's a slingshot into the middle rope. Albert's frustration continues - wait, he's not leaving yet - scissors kick. Play his music - I guess no Baldo Bomb tonight. Well, now he's standing over him, but no. Leaving now. "Don't go anywhere - we're gonna see how Chuck proposed to Billy!"

And apparently, someone didn't editing footage this week because we get a SmackDown! bumper to highlight the upcoming Undertaker/Brock face to face confrontation. Also, Chavo Guerrero vs John Cena. And now, words from Chavo. "John Cena's known as the kid with Ruthless Aggression. "Ruthless Aggression. That's the kid's catchphrase. You want to talk aggression? Then you should try growing up a GUERRERO! We Guerreros - we SWEAT, we BLEED aggression! So John Cena, tonight, I dare you to show how aggressive you really can be!

Rey and Billy, and Billy and Chuck, and Funaki and Rico. (6:48) This has a graphic - "1st Ever Same Sex Wedding!" Cole makes the horrible "Loyd as Flower Girl" joke I was just barely resisting doing. Later - Chavo vs Cena, and from SmackDown!

Lugz Crash jump of Monday - awful nice of Eric to let Stephanie use his footage for her show.

Funaki is out and he has something to say. Wearing a SmackDown! - and new tights! (Actually probably the same tights with a Smackdown Logo on the butt and leg.) "This is Funaki, Smackdown #1 Announcer! Funaki knows there is a TV show called 'Everybody Loves Raymond'. But - but - here on Velocity, Everybody Loves Funaki!" The cameras find three Funaki related signs during this segment - including "I Came To See Funaki". Cole points out the only Marc Loyd related sign is "Marc Loyd Sucks". Hey, I can still see TAKA. I guess they haven't gotten enough interview clips yet. Oh right, this is a match.

Funaki vs Mike Awesome - well, we'll see how serious things really are here, I guess - most matches (including that last one) on this show don't but whenever the (former?) lowest guy on the totem pole might actually win, it kinda means something. Cole steals from Lita but doesn't have the guts to say "Japan." Circle, kick by Awesome, right, right, thrown into the corner. Right is ducked, Funaki tries his won and finds that it doesn't work. He tries another and it almost works. Awesome right ducked, and Funaki runs to the corner to hit the WOW cross body one two no. Awesome charges Funaki, Funaki drops down, Awesome somehow runs himself right out through the top and middle ropes all on his own. Funaki tripped up and brought out. Thrown hard into the steps. 5 people do an ECW chant. Back into the apron. Loyd makes fun of Funaki's speech and Cole gets on him and points out the hard news he's been covering the last couple weeks. Does Awesome have new tights? Top rope clothesline! One two NO. Well I believed but no one else cared. Mike Sparks is your ref. Right. Right. "Fu-nak-i" is a tough chant for the crowd. Then again, it is Green Bay. Whip, head down too soon so Funaki kicks it, Funaki off the ropes and Awesome nails him with a clothesline. Over the shoulder, running (or maybe walking at a brisk pace) but Funaki slides down slowly - I guess he pulled off a Russian legsweep  on the way down. FU NAK E. Funaki ducks a clothesline, kick that's questionably low, corner whip, reversed, Awesome charges into a double boot - Funaki bulldog one two NO - big kick out. Kick is caught by Awesome, but showing he didn't watch the last match (again), the enziguri is not. One two no. Off the ropes - Awesome flips him up and powerbombs him down one two NO. Awesome kinda just rested and arm on Funaki's leg for a cover. Picking him up - Running Awesome Bomb Is Escaped (that's the new name for it), Awesome is quick turning around and kicks Funaki. Right, corner whip, Funaki moves out of the way, grabs an inside cradle one two three! (3:32) Funaki might really be going someplace for the next couple weeks! Awesome is really getting jobbed out!

Next - highlights from the six man tag.

No lie! AHAHAHAHAHA. (6:53

Next - the face to face interview

GTX #1 Contender of Two Weeks Ago 

Loyd looks like he's wearing Kevin Kelly's old shirts.

Yea, we're only getting three matches this week. (6:45) Here's a graphic. Coming up next, Cena vs Chavo - here's John with a counterpoint. "Chavo Guerrero, you may be right. Maybe Ruthless Aggression is just a catchphrase. But there's something you didn't know about John Cena - don't ever count me out." 

Ah, it's the Season Premier That Has Everyone Talking. "Billy and Chuck will answer the questions, once and for all!"  

Chavo Guerrero vs John Cena (Packers Green and Yellow) - Chavo's acting like the human low rider, bouncing with every step down the ramp. Circle. Lockup, Chavo maneuvers Cena in the corner but is told to break - clean? No, right but it misses, Cena with a hiptoss, hip toss, hiptoss (odd one). "Cena" chant. Circle. Lockup, Chavo with a go behind, Cena with a standing switch, Chavo with a single leg takedown into an armbar. Cena with an single leg takedown but Chavo pushes him away. Chavo with a clothesline, misses, Cena with a kick, side headlock, whip, reversed, Chavo slides under, crucifix rollup, Cena blocks and teases the Samoan drop but Chavo adjusts and slides into a sunset flip but doesn't hold on for a pin. Cena gives a weird look (to us? to Chavo probably) and Chavo misses a clothesline but manages to hook on a side headlock (facing away from the main camera.) Cena reverses to a front facelock, push in the corner, break. Chavo gives Cena sarcastic claps for his good mat wrestling. Chavo looks at the ramp, then runs and decks him! Stomps. Left leg put on the bottom rope - sitdown on the leg. Left leg smashed into the apron. Stretching it around the bottom rope. European uppercut. Kicks. Boot scraping. Warned by Mike Choida. Cena starts to get up so he gets kicked. Left leg rope stretch some more.  Tied up Shattered Dreams style and Chavo dropkicks him. Cover one two NO. Right. Kick that leg, Cena battling back with a forearm, back elbow, forearm, whip, head down too soon so Chavo with an elbow drop to the back. Indian Deathlock by Chavo - now the Inverted STF! Cena's in trouble but he'll Never Surrender. Now he's the Leg Crank Around The Neck, of course on that bad left leg. Loyd asks Cole how many moves Chavo has - Cole does not say "1000!" Kick to the leg. Suplex - no, Cena goes behind, NO Chavo goes behind, Cena with elbows out, whip, Chavo with the dropkick to the knee. I hope Chavo has an endgame planned here. Kick to the head. Taunting. Cena battling back with rights but Chavo stops him with knee. Cena battling back with rights again but Chavo with a forearm to the back. Picking him up a third time and again Cena with punches - blocked Chavo's now. Corner whip, reversed, Cena rebounds out, Chavo tries a kick, it's caught, Cena actually watched the first two matches and knows to spin Chavo around before he can go for the enziguri, clothesline is ducked but Cena backdrops him on the next pace. Cena is grabbing the left knee but looking better. Cena throws Chavo into the corner so hard, he falls down himself, and is slow getting up due to that knee. Cena manages to charge in, but gets a boot the face. Charge in again and a back elbow. Chavo out, misses a clothesline, Cena tries a punch, Chavo ducks, Cena with a small package one two three. (6:32) Chavo can't believe that just happened.

Confidential is next! Cena is profiled! Synergy!

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Email the Author

Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission