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Earlier Tonight, Smackdown NUMBER ONE Announcer Funaki interviewed - well, I guess himself? "Two weeks ago, Albert jumped Funaki from behind after the match. Let's take a look." Here's Funaki winning, here's Albert talking - Loyd and Cole narrate. "Now [turns, camera pans to find] John Cena, tonight, on Velocity, you face that hairy bully [I think] Albert." "Take a minute, think about the childhood a big bully like Albert could have had. I mean, he was the only kid who beat up other kids for lunch money and actually used the money for lunch! I mean, do you know what's it like, at age 13, to have your puberty kick into overdrive and never stop? Have you ever thought about it? Did he lose the head on his hair first, and then the body hair - nevermind. He may be a hairy bully, and he may have bullied you around, but no one bullies me around!" He leaves and Funaki signs off. Why does the captioning keep calling him Michael?

Open. Fireworks. 

John Cena (New Orleans Saints) vs Albert - Circle. Lockup, Albert pushes him down. Cole and Loyd flaunt their knowledge of Cena (aka: they watched that one Confidential episode.) Lockup, no Cena goes behind, headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock and down goes Cena. Funaki with a slap to the back of Cena's head just to mess with him. Circle. Lockup, no Cena with an armbar. Working on the shoulder, cranking the arm, hammerlock. Albert elbows out. Right. Right. Cena ducks a right, rights of his own. Albert charges out and gets a drop toe hold - and a slap to the back of the head. Albert isn't too pleased with that - kick. (Why did Cena just stand there? Maybe he was thinking punch.) Right. Corner whip, down goes Cena. Cena pulls himself up on Albert and gets knees for his trouble. Clubbing corner punches. Knee to the head. Knee to the head. Albert pulls Cena into the middle, cover one two no. One two no. Rubbing his forearm into Cena's face. Turnbuckle smash. Cena fighting back with rights. Corner whip, reversed, Albert with the corner smash. One two no. Short clothesline. Short clothesline. One two no. Cena laid back first on the corner ropes, and Albert with a forearm to the chest. Forearm to the chest. Albert argues with the ref, and Cena sneaks in a second rope missile dropkick. Both fighting with rights - Cena manages to win, whip, reversed, Albert scoops him, but Cena slips behind - back suplex one two no. Right. Right. Right. Off the ropes, right into the scissors kick one two no. Albert not happy with the count. Slap to the face - now picking him up, right misses- Cena with a back suplex into a powerbomb one two three. (5:20) My god, an actual finisher! Cena better get out of the ring before Albert gets up - and he does slide out, good move. 

Your hosts are everyone hates Marc Loyd and especially Michael Cole. Coming up later, Tajiri vs Shannon Moore. Shannon Moore has a graphic? He does now! And coming up this hour - Brock/Taker highlights.

Bikini Match footage. (3:48)

Still to come, Angle and Benoit don't get along, and the HITC

Tuexdo Opening Tag Team Tournament Match of Thursday

Kidman vs Doug Bashman - Cole thinks Chavo and Eddie are the favorites, so they have no shot. If I accidentally call him "Dough", it's typing error, I swear; I don't know why I keep doing that but I do. He's announced at 218 so no Cruiserweight division for him. This week, he has different music but still no video where we can see it. Circle, lockup, Doug with a knee. Right. Right. Push to the face. Whip, Kidman with a 'rana. Kidman with a corner charge, flipped to the apron, shoulder to Doug's gut, flipped back in, Doug stops him with an eye poke. Double leg takedown - slingshot takes him to the floor. Doug throws him back first into the barricade. Throw back in, cover one two no. Stomping. Forearm to the back. Suplex - chaining into another, one two no. EL CABALLO! Doug is no El Santo, sad to say - but he does roll it into a back mounted clutch one two you're not Hombre Sin Nombre either! Doug with a right, but Kidman turns it into a backslide one two no. Both up - Kidman walks right into the sidewalk slam one two no. Bow and arrow! Doug's really into working the back - and pinning himself for one no. Why do they use that move because it even though it entertains me, they always end up looking dumb when they have to lurch to avoid a three count. Hard corner whip and down goes Kidman. Story is that D-Von told everyone that Batista was going to be his partner, and then not so much. Bow and Arrow around the ringpost! Well that's neato. Letting go by 4. Back in, slam. Basham going up - this seems to be a bad idea, and the double axhandle meets dropkick. Both down and using the ropes to pull themselves up. Doug misses with a right, Kidman with a running forearm. Dropkick. Acid Drop! one two NO. Corner whip, reversed, Doug charges into a boot. Kidman charges out into a spinebuster - flipping over cover one two NO. Dog with a slam, no Kidman slips free, kick, corner whip, rebound clothesline is ducked, Doug to the second rope - jumping leg lariat one two NO! Hey Doug don't look so bad here. What's he gonna do now - oh no he's gonna try to powerbomb him. Kidman lands on his feet as a change of pace - kick is caught, enziguri is not one two NO. Whip, reverses, Doug Russian legsweep, what's he gonna do now? No don't go up again. What about your submission moves? Florida Jam HITS one two NO! Doug sets up Kidman on the top rope because he doesn't care about doing stupid things - Kidman with rights to block the superplex - second rope split legged faceslam! SCREW YOU X-PAC. Kidman going back up - shooting star press! One two three. (6:35)

Still to come, UT/Brock, but next Angle/Benoit

Angle/Benoit clips. (7:50) They'll be in the tournament Thursday

Coming up next, UT/Brock highlights.

Lugz shocking defeat of Matt Hardy two weeks ago

UT/Brock (5:02)

Coming up next, Shannon vs Tajiri - Cole wonders if Shannon has learned from Matt.

Tajiri (3) vs Shannon Moore (2) - Shannon may have yet more new music. Lockup, Tajiri with a full nelson, now a hammerlock, now Shannon with a hammerlock, Shannon with a headlock, Off the ropes, Shannon with a shoulderblock cover for zero. Armbar, twisting it, bending it over, push in the ropes, whip, lift up and Shannon dropkicks him. One two no. Corner whip, reversed, Tajiri charge sin, Shannon kips up, flip for no reason (lands on his knees) dropkick to the knee by Tajiri. Stomp to the knee. Stomp to the knee. Shannon punches while Tajiri kicks that hurt knee a bunch. Corner whip, no same direction, Shannon falls down, Tajiri with a legsweep, elbow on the leg on the apron. Tajiri back in, dragging Shannon in the middle - knee driven into the mat. Tajiri tries another, Shannon tries to flip out of it but Tajiri holds into the knee. Tajiri with a rolling grapevine - I'm tired or I'd come up with a better name for it. Right. Tajiri sets up the left leg on the ropes to he can kick it once. Single takedown, and twisting the knee. Shannon has to keep his shoulder up to avoid getting pinned. Shannon kicks him away, but Tajiri quickly on him with a shot to the knee. Kneebreaker - no Shannon with a sunset flip one two no. Tajiri with a dropkick to the back of that left knee to get him back down. Stretching the knee around the ropes. Tajiri poses. Charging into the corner and meeting leg. Shannon charges out, tries for a 'rana but Tajiri reverses into a dragon screw. Stomping on the knee. Look to the fans. Picking up the left leg - elbow the knee, but Shannon comes back with a foot to the chest (not really an enziguri) to push him away. Tajiri tries to follow back, but gets a kick to the gut. Whip is reverse but Shannon hits a clothesline anyway. Back elbow. Slam. Shannon limping off the ropes, and there's the flip swinging neckbreaker, One two no.  Tajiri with a kick to the chest, powerbomb - no, 'rana one two NO. Whip, Tajiri back with the handspring elbow but Shannon with a wheel kick to his back one two NO. Shannon hurting but pulling himself up to the top rope - Halo but Tajiri moves out of the way and Shannon goes splat. Tajiri setting up - KO Kick is ducked, Shannon tries for the 'rana but he's pushed by, Tajiri sets up - reverse thrust kick! One two three (5:17) Wow that's not the normal kick but still good enough.

Confidential is NOW.