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WWE Velocity by The Cubs Fan




TV 14 CC DLV Entertainment Open Fireworks

Chavo Guerrero (6) vs Crash (yellow, 7) - from the sound of that rolled 'r', it seems as though Justin Jason Roberts is back and our new Velocity ring announcer. Holy cats, tag team brackets. You should be able to figure these out on your own already, but because I'm a helpful guy and not worn down by the pointless of the WWE yet tonight, I'll share:

Angle/Benoit---        |
D-Von/Simmons--        |

You've got to give Stephanie credit, or something. Crash wants the Hilarious Test Of Strength lockup but Chavo just kicks him in the gut because he's here to wrestle! Turnbuckle smash, kick, kick, right, right to the neck, right to the neck, whip, Crash with a shoulderblock. Crash off the ropes, jumps over the drop down, right, armdrag, armbar. Chavo up to his feet, knee to get out. Right, right, whip, Crash grabs the ropes, Chavo charges, Crash backdrops, Chavo lands on the apron, manages a knee to Crash's back and then an inverted rope neck snap! Neato. Forearm to the neck. Kick to the back. Kick to the upper back. Cole and Loyd are SURE Benoit must've seen the tape of SmackDown! and realized Eddie set him up. Remember this in a few days. Chavo with a modified camel clutch around the ropes, but that doesn't last long. Crash tries to kick Chavo away but Chavo kicks him back. Kick to the gut.  Crash back with rights but a knee cuts him off - reverse neckbreaker one two NO. Kick to the upper back by Chavo. European Uppercut, as mandated by law. Chavo pulls the hangman's neckbreaker out of Raven's playbook - he's all about working that neck for the Brainbuster. Crash is trying to escape, or at least turn around for back suplex, but Chavo back elbw3os him. Chavo with a corner charge into Crash's boot. Cole actually talking about Chavo Sr. Crash tries to grab a leg for something, but Chavo kicks him with the other one, then rolls him into a small package with feet on the ropes one two no. Stomp to the neck by Chavo. Armbar into a short clothesline, one two no. Crash tries to fight back, but again a knee stops him. Now they're punching and Crash winning - whip, back elbow. Crash is stumbling around, just holding his neck. Chavo tries to charge him in the corner, but Crash regains his senses to move in time. Chavo tries to go after him again, but gets punched. Whip, backdrop. Crash with kick to the midsection, corner whip, monkey flip, Chavo blocks it and puts Crash on the corner buckle, Crash kicks Chavo away. Chavo  charges right into an inverted atomic drop, clothesline follows one two no. Turnbuckle smash, elbow, turnbuckle smash, elbow, yell. Crash with a whip, no into the same corner, Crash charges in and gets flapjacked onto the buckle. Chavo quickly with the kick - Brainbuster one two three (4:35) All about the neck - hey, maybe he's prepping for Angle and Benoit? That'd be smooth.

Your announcers are everyone hates Marc Loyd and Michael Cole - why did Al have to foresake me by going to RAW? The least he could do is get the Heat announcing gig.

JVC bikini contest of two weeks ago

Torrie/Dawn highlights - why? I wonder who wrote this. (4:33) We don't get the last backstage bit.

Still to come, Angle/Benoit stuff and Undertaker stuff.

Albert vs - oh no, he's gonna talk -"This is Albert, Number One Velocity Prisoner! Relegated, week in and week out, to beating up reporters. Why don't I go out there and have a match with you, Michael Cole? Or you, Mitch Loyd? [Shave Your Back!] I'm six foot seven, three hundred and fifty pounds and - and the best looking guy in that locker room today! And yet, you show me no respect! So tonight, I'm gonna teach you all a lesson. What I do to Funaki in this ring, I can do to each and every one of you!"

Albert vs Funaki - "This is Funaki, SmackDown! #1 Announcer! Hey, Funaki has one hard hitting question for you!" "You have a hard question for me? What could that be?" "Why - don't - you - shave - your - back?" Indeed. Funaki takes his time getting in the ring, knowing Albert will go after him. Albert does charge, Funaki ducks, right, no dice. Right right right and Albert pushes him down. Cole (quite obviously getting advice from JR over the headset) compares this to Texas/Oklahoma, which would make Albert Chris Simms. Albert goes to leg kicks, but Albert with a knee to stop him. Powerbomb? No, Funaki punches his way - 'rana is blocked - okay, how about a sunset flip? Albert punches, but Funaki moves and Albert hurts his hand. He's not so hurt that he can't kick Funaki when he charges, though. Lifting up - over the shoulder sitting backbreaker! One two NO. "Shave Your Back!" Turnbuckle smash, forearm to the back, forearm to the back, knee to the back, knee to the back, knee to the back. Now he's distracted by the chant. "It's because of you! It's because of you!" Right is ducked, Funaki with a right right and Albert throws him hard into the corner. Clubbing blows in the corner, and a knee to the midsection. Funaki really shouldn't rest on the bottom rope like that - yep, after Albert gets down arguing with Hebner, there's the slingshot into the middle rope. One two no. One two no. Albert grinding his forearm into Funaki's jaw. Neck vice! Not convincing. Funaki going back to punches, but he's pulled down by his hair. "Albert Sucks!" Corner whip, Albert charges, Funaki gets his feet up. Again! Funaki with a waistlock, Albert levels him with a back elbow. Corner whip, corner smash is sidestepped, Funaki dropkick to the knee, dropkick to the knee and Albert is finnaly down. Off the ropes, legdrop to the back of the neck! Funaki going up - eh, might as well. Crowd going with him and is sad when his cross body is caught by Albert - huge DDT! Cover him! He does one two NO! Funaki off the ropes, dropkick to the head, running senton one two NO. Marc doesn't know what a senton is. Kick to the back of the leg, off the ropes, Funaki side steps the scissors kick and now pulling Albert's body hair, that's kinda ew. Back elbow breaks that up. Albert pulls Funaki up by the hair and gets a jawbreaker. Off the ropes but right into the double choke - Baldo Bomb one two three. (4:29) So I guess Albert won't beat him up after this time? He makes a move towards Hebner, so Hebner gets out of there.

Still to come, Undertaker frustrations - but up next, Benoit/Angle.

the Ring Angle backfiring chair shot of two weeks ago

You know, if Stephanie wanted to make the tag team division legit, she probably should have included Matt Hardy (version 1 - also five time tag champion) but I guess it's just up to me to point out things such as that. (5:02)

Still to come - Chuck Palumbo vs Ron Simmons. 

Up next, Undertaker stuff. 

This adds a whole new dimension to the blah blah blah blah - the best part is that moment between when Undertaker punches someone and when he starts to sell it (assuming he does). Pray that he gets mutant healing powers and it's all good by next Sunday or you know, just don't watch the match get bad. (8:35)

Up next - Chuck Palumbo vs Ron Simmons. 

Velocity Exclusive! (We were short on time this week!): Edge and Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez do the Five Second Pose. (1:45) Cole and Loyd are all about saying "Luis got to hang out with Edge" as to show who's the bigger star.

Chuck Palumbo vs Ron Simmons - There's a moment where it looks like they may give Mr. Roberts a chryon but they've must've forgotten too. Ron has a new entrance and new music, and back to the Acolytes-era tights. "We know very little about Ron Simmons change of heart" - that's code for "our brilliant writers couldn't think of an explanation, so we'll pretend it's a little mystery". Are those Chuck's tights from when he was with O'Haire? I don't remember and it's similar enough to the B&C design that it may have just been some alternate tights that never got worn. Chuck and Ron have a discussion about what's going on. Handshake - no, Ron with a short clothesline, Kick, right, right, right, right. Corner whip, charge into a boot. Chuck charge out and hits him with a forearm. Ron out to stall, Chuck out after him, right, head into the steps. Right. Back in - Chuck pulls Ron, up, right, right, right, Chuck drops him on the top rope. Stomping. Abdominal stretch. Chuck fights out of it, side (maybe 3/4) belly to belly one two no. Off the ropes, into a knee. Slam. Why in the world is Faarooq going to the second rope? Ax-handle is caught into the overhead belly to belly release suplex. Rights and Chuck is going to win. I know I'm not. Whip, reversed, clothesline misses, Chuck with a big right. Odd camera zoom there - must've been a cut. Setting up the Jungle Kick - It's ducked, spinebuster one two three. (3:01) The spinebuster is the Dominator now, even though he's no longer Faarooq and any meaning to that name would be from three or four gimmicks ago. It's over, what do I care.

That's it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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