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WWE Velocity by The Cubs Fan




TV 14 DLV entertainment open (Chavo in for Hogan, Tajiri for Mark Henry, Crash for Billy & Chuck), CC fireworks 

Crash (red!, 3) vs (sho) Funaki (8) - Your announcers are Tazz and Cole, which is enough for Cole to declare it a very special episode of Velocity. (I guess the time too.) Where is Marc Loyd? No one really cares. With Funaki and Crash in the same company once again, you knew it was only a matter of time before another encounter in this epic feud. Funaki's mic work is edited out - or he comes down to the ring at lightning speed with a microphone for no particular reason. Circle. Lockup, Funaki with an armbar, twist, Crash eventually rolls, reverses to a hammerlock, Funaki reverses to a hammerlock of his own, headlock takedown, Crash with a legscissors reversals, break, Crash with a headlock, Funaki with the leg scissors reversal, break, standoff. Funaki wants the handshake - and Crash gives it to him! Wow. That's shocking. Circle - no, Crash stops, asks for some reason. Test of strength? Oh no he's reaching down his tights and pulling out...a martial arts headband. Anything is possible in the WWE, you know. Tazz: "That's the Russian Flag!" Well not really. Crash ties the headband (with Japanese sun) around his head and performs to some martial arts poses. Crane pose - and he gets punched in the jaw! I'm so glad they're taking me up on that "smack Crash in the face when he does silly stuff" idea. Armdrag, armdrag, dropkick. Right - no, Crash begs off, and out. He's looking under or at the apron again this week - I wonder if that's supposed to be an allusion to his Hardcore title reigns - it's a matter of a habit for him to reach for something. Maybe it's nothing.. Anyway, Funaki is after him with a right and brings them both in. Corner whip, Crash kips up but Funaki's stopped short - kick to the gut. Whip, reversed, Crash misses a clothesline, Funaki turns into and runs into a flapjack on the ropes, clothesline takes him down. Crash throws down the headband because he's intense (and nuts.) Stomp, stomp, body slam. Whip, Funaki back with a sunset flip, Crash battles, goes to a three point stance (?) and Funaki pulls him down to complete the move. One two no. Crash up and knocking Funaki out of the ring from behind via forearm. Crash held up in the ring temporary, but outsmarts Mike Choida to get out and brings Funaki in. Cover one two no. Cole says "the very impressive Albert" and manages not to giggle. Standing surfboard knee smash into the back. Forearm to the back. Tazz is calling him Crash Holly which doesn't bug me like when JR says Hurricane Helms. Maybe it's because it says Crash Holly on his tights. Corner whip, Crash teaks his time chagrining in with a splash and comes up empty - Funaki bulldog! Funaki with w hip, reversed, Crash axhandle misses, Funaki drop toe hold, off the ropes, dropkick to the face one two no. Funaki going up - this isn't a good sign. Flying cross body - but Crash rolls through one two NO! Crash stomping on the back, now giving the camera a hand raise and a psycho look. Funaki pulling himself up on the ropes. Whip, Funaki tries a bodyscissors cradle but Crash sits down and yanks the tights - one two Funaki reverses one two three! (4:17) Wow, that moves a lot of people. He's not only the #1 announcer, but he's the #2 contender. 

Still to come, Nidia vs Torrie Wilson in a bikini match.

Chuck Palumbo vs Albert - Cole and Tazz race each other to make the first joke based on the "Jackass" ad. Albert takes his time to yell at a fan on the way to ringside. Cole thinks about dressing up as Albert next week. Circle. Lockup, battling for control along the ropes. Finally Palumbo gets stuck into the corner. Wow, they're killing an 1/8th of this match in a collar and elbow. Albert swings, misses, Chuck with right right right. Corner whip, reversed, Albert Smash. Albert Smash. One more? Nah, Palumbo will collapse, Big splash to the back. Albert opts to work the forearm in jaw first, then pins him one two no. Clothesline. "Shave Your Back." Albert's distracted, and Chuck takes advantage - right right right right right KNEE stops all of that. Turnbuckle smash and now Albert is clubbering him in the corner. Chuck tries to fight back but Albert's really big. Knees to the head. Brian Hebner scared away. Looking at the fans. "If he's gonna shave his back, he might as well shave his chest too." Big right. Slingshot into the middle rope. Cole makes a rental car joke that's far too inside for me. One two no. Chinlock. On to the mat. Cranking it in. I'm killing time by spell checking. Chuck is finally kicking his way out. I think we might have killed a minute of this with inaction if we combine the open. Chuck elbows out, corner whip, Albert charges out with the bicycle kick one two no. Albert sets Chuck out for the second rope reverse splash - IT HITS! Why I never. one two Chuck grabs the bottom rope. Chuck pulls himself up in the corner, so Albert decides to charge him, and Chuck decides to move out of the way. Punch exchange - Albert wins it! Albert off the rope s-overhead belly to belly toss! JUNGLE KICK! One two Albert grabs the ropes. Chuck yells at him to get up. Right, right, right, discuss punch but Albert pulls Hebner in the way - Chuck pulls up in time, only to get eyepoked and Snake Eyed. Baldo Bomb. One two three. (5:03) So we got the four minute match anyway, I take back all my stalling complains. Albert takes his time challenging taunting fans to come get some. Cole: "I hate to say it, but Albert is what Velocity and SmackDown is all about!" He means in the ruthless aggression sense. Maybe Chuck should've come in with a better plan than punching a bunch.

Still to come - Nidia vs Torrie Wilson

Up next - Angle/Benoit don't get along.

JVC #1 Contenders match final of Thursday

Yea, they don't. (5:43)

Still to come - Nidia vs Torrie Wilson

Up next - Undertaker, Brock

Actually, they hyped the confrontation but this is just the post-HITC video. (1:28)

D-Von and Ron Simmons vs NWA TNA Superstar Chase Stevens and Bully Douglas (already in the ring) - We'll never know why he's Ron Simmons. Cole calls Bully "the Will Sasso look-alike" and Tazz says Sasso is out of work. Circle. Lockup, Bull with a headlock, shot in the ropes, shoulderblock but Ron ain't going down. Ron challenges him to do it again, Ron misses the clothesline but nails the boot. Stomp, stomp, jawbreaker. Tag to Chase, right, right, right, dropkick is swatted away. Dominator? Chase slips free, right, right, knee to the midsection cuts him off. Ron beats him down with shots to the back, and a kick to the ribs to finish that. Puling chase by the hair so he can tag D-Von. Right. Turnbuckle smash. Rights in the corner. Open hand slap. Whip, spinning back elbow. Right for Bully on the apron. Tag to Ron, hold Chase for Ron to punch. Tazz calls him "Chase Richardson", then "Steven Richardson - wait, he's on RAW." Slam. Stomp to the gut. Again. Off the ropes, headbutt to the midsection one two no. The man on the apron is "Billy Williams". Tag to D-Von. Right. Chase looking for the tag, so D-Von lets it get a little closer, than punches Bully again. Right. Right. Chase battling back with rights (That aren't so good), whip, reversed, cross body one two no. D-Von with a clothesline to take hi9m down. Chase looking for a tag. Whip, powerslam, no cover. D-Von just looks at him, then tags Ron. Ron will cover with his head onely one two no. Ron is shocked. Spinebuster. COVER HIM. Aw, he's gonna tag. Dragging him over for D-Von flying headbutt, which actually hits. Ron smacks Bully while D-Von covers - one two three. (4:04) They never let him make the tag! That's the coolest thing this team has ever done! Ron has some parting words and a final punch for Stevens. D-Von administers last rites - not the move. Well, yet.

Still to come, Nidia vs Torrie Wilson 

SmackDown the Vote features wrestlers giving reasons to vote - Chuck: "To end discrimination." 

Major trade between SmackDown and RAW - well, not so major if it's just a Big Show move. Tazz thinks they win in this deal, and so far, eh.

Here's the Brock/Undertaker chat I was expecting earlier. (6:40)

Coming up next, Nidia vs Torrie Wilson.

Greyhound Title Match Accepted of Thursday

TE recap - this is Jill-rific. (2:35)

Nidia vs Torrie Wilson (w/lollypop) in a Bikini Match - Um, I kinda didn't tape all of this because I forget to account for the over run. And it's sad, because Cole says this is the highlight of the show. Nidia comes out wearing a robe - and takes it off to reveal a cheap looking yellow outfit. See, she looks bad because she's a heel. Or something like that. Torrie's is gold and shiny. Matching knee pads! No boots. Cole wonders what Torrie is thinking. "..." This match makes me nostalgic for WOW. Mike Sparks is your referee. Ah, it's the wedgie factor - that's where the nostalgia is coming from. There's the swinging neckbreaker - but I guess it's not her big move this week. Torrie has an interesting take on "dropkick". Tazz: "Maybe we'll see a small package [in this match.]" Cole: "I got one sitting next to me." Tape ran out - spoilers say Torrie beat Nidia via chop (around 3 minutes) and what a finish we all missed.

That's it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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