THE KINDLY ONES
You're a little late, I'm already torn
Whazzup, nigs. I realize that this is a Monday, but it still says "Weekend Update" on the marquee. Well, what can I say? When you have the esteemed CRZ telling you that Sunday is a bad day for hits, you don't really have a huge impetus to want to write stuff about gay fake wrestling. Plus, Christopher "Robin" Zimmerman, with all of his "What do Albert and Justin have in common?? OHH SNAP!!!!!" talk, is about as unencouraging of a webmassa (rob t) as I've seen. And this is coming from a guy who has worked with Luke "Be Late And I'll Send Zach Arnold To Murder You And Your Family While You Sleep" Johnston. So anyway, here it is, your FUNDAY update.
I was hangin', I was bangin', I was turnin' it on
The biggest news of the past week had to have been the high impact that Hulk Hogan and his nWo brothers made on WWF television. Although I admit that watching Hogan and the Rock interact was a novelty, as others has said, the whole entire "Let's have Hollywood attempt to murder the Rock" went a little far. Which is a shame, because attempted murders are usually a sure-fire draw in the scope of wrestling history. To wit:
1. The "Pillman gun incident" - This is without a doubt one of the most famous and controversial moments in wrestling history. Guns are totally a better way to attempt to murder someone then locking them into a dumpster. That being said...
2. The New Age Outlaws locking Cactus Jack and Terry "Chainsaw Charlie" in a dumpster and pushing them off the stage - This really jump-started the Outlaws' careers, and led to a classic "Dumpster match" at Wrestlemania XIV. Oddly enough, this was the prelude to the NAO's highly successful run as tag team faces, which proves that there are few things a crowd loves better than attempting to murder (or at least severely maim) two belovedly grizzled veterans. The only problem with this is that Billy and Road Dogg were such fun-lovin' dudes that they probably weren't REALLY trying to kill Funk and Foley. Although they should have been.
3. Kurt Angle threatening to push Austin off the same bridge that Austin threw his gold medals off of - This led to yet another solid but repetitive Austin vs. Angle match. Why wasn't this as big of a hit as #1 and 2? Because he wasn't actually trying to murder Austin, he just wanted to throw him into a kiddy pool. What a rube.
Oooh...look at that new vein in my tricep
Back to the nWo for a paragraph or two - I can understand wanting to have a Hogan vs. Rock, "wrestling's past versus wrestling's future" match, but seriously dudes, the match isn't going to be very good. I've been staging in my head for the last few days in class, and dudes, Hogan stinks. It's going to be a lot of choking with cables and a lot of whipping with weight belts and a lot of bleeding, and that's about it. Also, I can't see it pushing the buyrates for Wrestlemania that much higher - if you're a wrestling fan and you aren't really poor (sorry, Scott Christ) you are going to order it. I think most casual fans are going to realize that the match will indeed defy the laws of mouths by both biting and sucking at the same time (like eating a frozen confection made out of pork. A porksicle, if you will).
Besides, as we all know, the Rock is not "wrestling's future," that title belongs solely to FALLEN ANGEL CHRISTOPHER DANIELS~!
Furthermore, after the nWo gets crushed at Wrestlemania, which seems to be the reasonable move, what's next after that? I don't see them having much value if they're just a "normal" part of the mix like Kane or Big Show. How long can Hogan inveigle himself into main events? The whole thing is a little silly. I know everyone has pegged the "split" to be a magical panacea for all of these problems, but hey man, I don't know.
Muttering small talk at the wall while I'm at the Hall
Speaking of crappy matches, I'm not exactly getting a workrate boner over the expected Austin vs. Hall clash at Wrestlemania X-8 or should I say Wrestlegaynia X-geight. It seems like it should be better than the aforementioned Rocky vs. Hulky match, since Austin is better than the Rock (in my opinion) and Hall is better than Hogan (at getting drunk and embarrassing himself!), but I'm just not feeling it. Scott Hall has only wrestled like three times in the last three years. That's not a whole lot of times.
Hearing Austin say "Hey Yo" on SmackDown! was pretty funny, but that was a bout it (bout it and rowdy rowdy). What this whole nWo thing is doing is making bad matches for a PPV that doesn't really need anymore hype. I can see why they'd want to do this if it was for, I don't know, Fully Loaded. Everyone hates Fully Loaded.
She's not afraid to die, the people all call her Alaska
Chris Jericho and Stephanie McMahon hookin' up was probably one of the most predictable occurrences since the revelation that the holocaust was a myth, it was still kind of neat to see. I know a lot of people are disappointed that they are not breaking out the nasty mat (yet), it's at least a step in that direction. I'm not really sure how this makes it any less of a foregone conclusion that Triple-H will win at Wrestlemania, but whatevs. I mean, from a "kayfabe" standpoint, Jericho has already wrestled Triple-H a bunch of times, what can Stephanie really teach him? "He likes using his knee with moves." He sure does.
This is another example of how Wrestlemania is looking lame, although this match should be solid like a frozen banana, it's not exactly a great WWF Championship match. It's not Undertaker vs. Sycho Sid, but it's close. Instead of being the #1 heel versus the #1 face, it's maybe the #4 or 5 heel versus the #3 face. Not really a barnburner. My barn is in fact quite cool right now. My chickens are wearing windbreakers.
The WWF Fear Factor is on tonight - I just don't get that show, dudes. I mean, who really wants to eat hog anus? It really doesn't have anything to do with being afraid, per se, it's more "Are you willing to do something really unhealthy for money." They should change the name or something.
I don't see Test lasting very long, since he is a big handsome wuss. Molly seems pretty normal, so she might not be too into eating poop and such. Jacqueline is very black and very tough, so she should do alright. She's double tough, King. The Hardy Boyz and Lita will all do very well because they're pretty stupid. I'm sure they eat hog anuses all the time and don't even notice. In fact, I guarantee you they are all eating hog anuses as I type this.
I tell you what, if they really wanted to scare people, they should make them watch some of these "matches" they have scheduled for Wrestlemania! That would be scarier than eating hog anus!