This is the THIRD fucking time they changed the schedule for this show. Hey, UPN 9, I wonder how many times you can fuck me over before I get what time you're programming this show?

I get all psyched to tape the show at 1:00, and lo and behold, the show is at 11:00 am. FUCK.

Ugh....I've been out of recapping duty for 3 weeks, I suppose. So I'm going to give you the recap of Worldwide from the 3rd week of March.

Yeah, I know.

Fuck me too.

I'm sorry.

THE REALLY REALLY REALLY LATE WORLDWIDE RECAP FOR THE WEEK OF MARCH 22, 2000

Opening Montage

Scott Hudson welcomes us to the show. Three exclusive matches for today. We also get the latest developments on the Wall vs. Bam Bam Bigelow feud with David Flair added to the mix. Furthermore, we're updated about the developments of Los Fabulosos, but first, let's get some insight into Big Jake. Bobby Heenan puts over Big Jacke. Hudson tells us Paul Orndorff went to the "Arnold Classic" to meet Big Jake. Heenan makes a Gary Coleman joke. You figure it out.

Clips of Orndorff's pilgrimage to the "Arnold Classic."

Hudson compares Big Jake to the other 'roided monsters in WCW. Heenan cracks another Gary Coleman joke.

Commercials

Hudson tells us El Dandy & Silver King have been on a losing streak, but they have enlisted the services of Miss Hancock. Heenan adds that Hancock is going to buy them new clothes. He wonders where they are going to find a sombrero factory. He picks up a nearby phone next to him, as we go to the nezt segment.

Clips from Thunder of El Dandy & Silver Kinglooking through their fanmail. Hancock has a small talk with them. El Dandy wants to know if he excites her groin.

Clips from Thunder of El Dandy & Silver King vs. La Parka & Chavo Guerrero Jr. We see the WHOLE match. Dandy & King lose the match when Guerrero hits the Tornado DDT.

Hancock consoles our Latino heroes (hey, that sorta rhymes!) and offers her services. Seems they are going shopping. May I suggest Old Navy?

Heenan is cackling on the phone. He's making all sorts of Latino-intensive comments. He falls on his chair. Eh....FUCK UPN9 and oh yeah, fuck me for not giving you this week's recap.

Commercials

Hudson says the Wall is on a rampage, but he pushed it too far on Thunder. Heenan makes the ridiculous comment that the Wall was going to chokeslam Flair a good 50, 60 feet. When you want credibility, ask Heenan! Har Har Har.

We see the Wall beating down Flair backstage. Wall beating down Flair in the concession stand. Wall about to chokeslam Flair from hte Mezzanine level, but Bam Bam saves the day! Woo-Fucking-Hoo.

Hudson says Bigelow saved Flair's career and life. Heenan cracks a joke about David and Ric Flair......whatever.

Commercials

Hudson runs down what we've seen so far in the show. Heenan reading the WCW magazine. He pulls out the Torrie Wilson centerfold. Let's start our 3 exclusive matches so I can go brush my teeth.

CHUCK PALUMBO vs. LANE
Lockup, Palumbo pushes Lane down. Lane looks to lockup but Hairpulls him to ground. Stomps by Lane. He punches as well. Referee Charles Robinson breaks up the fisticuffs. Rave takes the initiative to choke and punch Palumbo while Lane distracts the ref. Lane whips Palumbo to ropes, Palumbo blocks hiptoss, Lane blocks PALUMBO'S hiptoss, Palumbo with a hiptoss - uranage combo. Oh, lookee here. It's Miss Hancock. Rave starts talking some jive to her.

Rave: "Yo yo yo, babygirl. Can I get yo numba?" Miss Hancock: "Uh...whatever." Rave: "I got a $1.50. Let's go to the 711 and then you can gimme a lil somethin somethin, aight?"

Well, it goes on for that long since the camera pans away from the action for a while. But anyways, when we come back.....Lane's down on the mat. Lane lifts him to the outer canvas. Palumbo with a punch. Palumbo with the Val Venis motions. Good lord, Miss Hancock is being told to leave the ringside area by Rave. Maybe it was his breath. Baby got back..... Uhmm.. Palumbo with a whip, reversal, dropkick missed by Lane. Palumbo blocks and delivers punches. Lane to the ropes, Palumbo with powerslam for 2. Palumbo whips Lane, reversal, Palumbo with DDT - covers for 2. Palumbo with punch, whips Lane to ropes, reversal, Palumbo up and over Lane. Lane misses the clothesline, Palumbo with the standing sidekick - covers - 1.....Rave distracts the ref in the middle of his count. Maybe he wants a little somethin somethin from...:) Palumbo with the springboard dropkick on Rave. Palumbo misses the clothesline on Lane. Lane with the front full-nelson slam - covers - 1,2,3. (2:48)

EVAN KOURAGEOUS & SHANNON MOORE vs. JAMIESAN & YANG
I'm not calling this match. Too many moves to call and it's not even this week's batch of matches. Fuck. Anyways, lemme give an overview of what happened...Evan wasn't bad in this match. Less punchy than usual. Moore was his usual highspotty Hardy self. Yang is my favorite Korean wrestler. His offense is a little too kick intensive, but he didn't get to showoff his wares because he's playing Ricky Morton (tm Scott Keith). And Jamie Howard? He's ready for the Cruiserweight belt. The match leaves the ring and all four guys fight outside the ring. Ref counts to 10....so we have a Double DQ. They're still fighting....THERE MUST BE SOME LEGIT HEAT! SOMEBODY TELL MELTZER! (4:22)

LASH LEROUX vs. TAFKAPI
Gotta slack off here, too. Sorry people. I'll make it up to you next time. Hey, doesn't that sound eerily familiar to what a scumbag guy would tell his girlfriend? Let's fast forward this baby. From what I can see, TAFKAPI takes over the first part of the match with some fundamental wrestliing holds. The match moves outside the ring for maybe 1 minute. TAFKAPI takes the time to act girly to the fans. Will someone please play that Coming Out song by Diana Ross? When the match moves back into the ring, Lash takes over with his usual white bread ofeense. Lash doesn't showcase as much as TAFKAPI did. That's because HE'S a diva. TAFKAPI actually hits the flying DDT for he win. (3:58)

Sorry. This is my worst effort. Drive home safely.