/29 July 2000
WCW Worldwide by Tanvir Raquib
Hola hermanos y hermanas. It's me, Tanvir, proving that I still have enough time to give [slash] the time of day while still ROCKIN' that other site in my life...(Damnit, I need a woman BAAAAAD)
Thanks to: Clyde Ford and Josh Haggard for emailing. Mucho props to CRZ, as usual, for providing a platform for me to bitch and moan about anything, while disguising this as a *cough*recap*cough*. Speaking of said bitching and moaning...
...I am one of those people who bitch about not getting emailed enough - I work hard (well, 70% effort ain't bad) on these things, damnit!
Regardless of me usually getting 0-2 (usually 0) emails per worldwide recap, I'll continue recapping these shows - half-assed or not. And why, you may ask (or not - fuck you - it's MY recap)? Well, I think it's fair to say that I want to see just how good this show can get. Besides, this show helps when I get into deep intellectual discussions with other scholarly types.
HAIR UPDATE: It's wavy and curly. It can also legitimately look like an afro (when I comb it out) or look like the 1997-98 Schiavone version of the bird's nest he sported on his head back then. I'm trying to see how long I can go without another haircut...I'm aiming for November 2K.
FRIEND OF TANVIR NOTE: That was cute, Butch. I still hate you. Oops!...forgot to insert the smiley: ;) There - now I can't get flamed. Yay!
ENEMY (ha) OF TANVIR NOTE: King of StephRate and the Internet's man of mystery, JetMet told me to go save "the sinking ship" of [slash]. Here's my one cent on this: [slash] don't need any saving. It's good ground to write what you feel like. If CRZ wanted saving, then he would NEVER have printed a single column I wrote. And that, my friends, is true.
14 emails for 14 columns wasn't bad, though! ;)
Read to the end, damnit. THREATS RULE!
Now lemme give you the syndicated hour of goodness...
wCw worldwide - pop goes the weasel cuz the weasel goes pop! (name the band and get a PLUG!)
We're joined by Scott Hudson and Larry Zybysko, who are in "the Studio". Hudson lets us know that the New Blood Rising PPV is August 13th. He also mentions the 3 Way Dance featuring Goldberg, Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner. Larry hasn't even opened his mouth yet. Joy. Hudson send us to...
..."the Arena", where Tony Schiavone and soon to be former Time Warner employee, Bobby Heenan. We're told that FOUR BIG MATCHES are scheduled for this week's show. One of them features Perfect Event vs. Mark Jindrak and Sean O' Hare. Heenan, when asked for some analysis on this, tells us that "one wants to win, while one wants to win the titles again". Uh oh...we're moving again to...
...Mean Gene Okerland, who's standing by with Norman Smiley and Ralphus, who apparently are wearing the same outfits from the last time we saw them on television. Mean Gene asks a question, but it doesn't mean anything because this ain't an interview, this all about the promo, baybee. Smiley says he was the original Hardcore titleholder, he's lived in the streets and in poverty, and he's going for Big Vito. It's personal, he says, because he knocked out 50% of Ralphus' teeth (1 tooth, that is). He's getting his title back! Ralphus, when questioned by Gene, says he can't eat and has no strength from losing his tooth. Right. Smiley and Ralphus, who does a hilarious Big Wiggle, shake their booties as Gene sends us over to...
..."the Arena", where Schiavone and Heenan remain in their seated positions. Nope, green aliens did not eat them when Norman was with Gene - they're alive and in one piece. Schaivone asks something about Norman Smiley's ability to perform the Big Wiggle on the show. Heenan says that there's no doubt about it. And all of the sudden, we move once again to...
THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ALL TWO OF YOU!
..."the Studio" and we're back with Hudson and Zybysko, who are wearing the exact same outfits from the beginning of the show. Continuity = Intelligence, folks! Hudson brings up Lance Storm winning the U.S. Title Tourney at Tuesday Nitro. Zybysko says Storm was an underdog but even still, made it all the way to the finals.
WOW - A MATCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP, SCHIAVONE! SHUT UP AND WRESTLE BECAUSE IT'S OUT THERE! STORM WINS ONE FOR CALGARY! AWESOME IN A 3 SOME WITH FAT CHICKS! FAKING ENTHUSIASM RULES IT!
STORM HAS THE MIC! STICK IT, AMERICA! HE PUT A STICKER ON THE BELT - BOO HIM FOR IT! YEAH! STEPHANIE MCMAHON WAS A FRAT WHORE! STORM INSULTS THE FAT WOMAN AND HER EDGUMACATION! AWESOME SAVES THE FAT WOMAN FROM MORE INSULTS! WHATTA GUY!
Hudson says that Storm is very proud of his heritage. Zybysko says Storm shoudln't mind since it's warmer here in the States. He mentions Storm's brash attiude and how he may be disrespectful, but it could also be alot of pride for his country. Hudson feels taken aback by what Zybysko just said - he believe Larry's taking Storm's side. Zybysko takes umbrage to this notion. Hudson says that Storm disgraced the belt and brings up Storm's verbal assault at that fat chick on Thunder. I might not be not too specific about this things, but I have a hard time believing y'all care what these two argue about. Hudson does end this little segment by saying "Larry Zybysko, American".
Commercials - Fat chick's destiny is beyond her control...so BUY THE T-SHIRT!
Hudson says that Scott Steiner is a psycho ready to explode. Well, duh. Zybysko says Steiner's not a timebomb, he's already went off. Let's just hope he doesn't hurt somebody else - geez, didja see how pissed he got after someone through something at him? I cowered in fear and I was in my livingroom! Hudson says it happened on Nitro (well, EVERYTHING happens on nitro...shiiat). Hudson runs down the pre-match hyjinks of Steiner/Goldberg.
STEINER USES THE RECLINER! CALL THE ASPCA - CAT GOES DOWWWWWN! BOOKER IZ THE ROCK! SPEAR! TAP THAT KNEE, BOOK. (BTW, he should just be called "The Book" because of the similarities. Course that sounds just as stupid as well, the Rock) HOUSTON SIDEKICK! WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP...ESPECIALLY EX-BASKETBALL PLAYERS! MADDEN GOES APESHIT - THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HIM!
I hate Nitro. I like Thunder. I really like Worldwide. Dale told me that the new wCw Saturday Morning show sucks. (Who's recapping that show anyway?) Actually, I was a regular viewer of wCw Main Event back in the day...
Back in the studio, Hudson talks about the 3 Way at the NBR PPV. He notes Nash "guaranteeing" a win. Zybysko says Nash needs all the confidence for the match. Hudson spews out some dumb cliche.
Commercials - the Snickers Panda commercials is the DUMBEST THING THAT MAN EVAH MADE. Even worse than CRZ giving my incompetent ass this gig.
Uh oh...it's time for...
Zybysko does his "Carson" gimmick: The answer is 'Learning Wrestling Holds', he says.
The question comes from Darren Siegel from West Hartford, CT. "How has Buff Bagwell changed his wrestling style since his neck injury?"
Buff says it was tough and hard, at first. But now, with the fan support and the neck being 100% (suuuuure), he's still bah...I'm not putting over he's stupid catchphrase. Not in my recap, nosir.
Hudson sends us...
...to "the Arena" for our four EXCLUSIVE matches!
JAMES BLACK and CASSIDY RILEY vs. RICK STEINER
Black, like an idiot, runs straight toward Stiner, only to get punched right in the jaw. Knee to the gut by Steiner. Whip by Steiner gets reversed, Steiner off the ropes to duck the clothesline, Steiner bounces off the other ropes and catches Storm to deliver a mean scoop slam. Walking elbowdrop by Steiner - 2 count on the pin attempt. Released Northern Lights with Steiner hooking between Storm's legs. (What is that?? I wanna be better at PBP!) Awesome visual, though. Tag into Riley. The slaughter continues. Steiner punches, whips Riley to the ropes, boot to the face. I think y'all reading have a DAMN good idea about who's winning this match. Well, at least a good guess, right? Anyhow, Steiner whips Riley to the ropes and delivers a STIFF as HELL clothesline. That's just murder, folks. Released Belly to Belly by Steiner - another one by Steiner! Good Lord - this guy is beating down this kid. Reason #5 on why I'll NEVER be a pro wrestler right there: Rookies are fodder for beatdowns from underpushed veterans. Storm gets in the ring - fucking idiot. Steiner kicks Storm in the guy and hiptosses his ass to the outside of the ring. Powerbomb setup by Steiner, which ends with Steiner ramming Riley stomach first into the cormer. Punch by Steiner. Top rope bulldog ends this massacre. (1:56) Steiner says some obligatory catchphrases. Bore me to tears, why don'tcha!
Commercials to sicken my anti-capitalist stomach...
PW DOUGLAS vs NORMAN SMILEY (w/ Ralphus)
Douglas looks very ugly. Not as bad as Ralphus, but hey. Lockup - Norman working on a headlock, now a wristlock. As usual, Tony calls it an "arm drag and twist". Just saying is all. Douglas reverses into his OWN wristlock. Smiley takes him down by pulling under Douglas' leg. Smiley working on that arm and wrist again. Whip by Smiley is reversed - simulatenous leapfrog / armdrag by Smiley. Another armdrag. Clothesline by Smiley. Crowd pleasing gestures from the brother that is STEEL held down by The Man. Someone call Nat Turner! Douglas with a kick to the gut. Punches and now, a headlock by Douglas. Smiley pushes Douglas into the ropes, Douglas bounces off and delivers a shoulderblock. After some more bouncing off the ropes (I'm lazy, like you probably are. Kiss my ass! ;) ) and leapfrogs by Smiley, Douglas drops a knee to Smiley's crotch. Baaaah. Scoop slam by the big boned one. Pin attempt by Douglas, but that goes awry with Smiley being underneath the rope. Hey, thank God for that move, a lot worse explanations could have been made for Benoit being stripped of the title. Too bad JetMet's God is not recognized. But we smarts do! WE SMARTS DO! KISS MY ASS, BILL BUSCH! Ahem...Douglas with a stomp and boot choking on Smiley's throat. Punch knocks down Smiley. Boot and a vertical suplex by Douglas. Pin attempt only 2 for PW. Douglas with the headlock, Smiley immediately makes the Fake as Hell Superman Comeback. This is why people DON'T like wrestling. It's just not realistic enough in certain aspects, damnit. Douglas puts an end to these bread basket elbows with a clothesline. Scoop slam by Douglas. Why can't they spend some money to fly Chris Daniels here??? Fuck you, wCw. I WANT A GOOD MATCH TO RECAP - NOT THIS SHIT! Douglas with the workrate-friendly double axe handle from the second rope. Norman fights back SOMEHOW. Maybe I forgot that this is FAKE. Okay, now I remembered. Here's that KICKASS scoop slam that Norman does! It's Time! It's Time! It's Time! Big Wiggle! Big Wiggle! Douglas puts an end to the celebrations with THE eyepoke. Some whips and reverses lead to the Norman Conquest crossface chicken-wing. (4:07) I can be lazy be I can. I do this for me - not YOU. Okay, fine, maybe I do this for you. Well, maybe not. Arrggh...I like you people, even though you never email me. Honest! Norman and Ralphus SELL-A-BRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!
Commercials will never tire me as long as Alyssa Milano is in them. She makes me go gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Shills by Hudson. Zzzzzzzzzz....
SKIP OVER vs. BILLY KIDMAN
Elix rules it. Trust me, guys - this kid has GOLD written all over him. Kidman just sucks. Lockup - Kidman with a waistlock, which Skip counters with some elbows. Skip bounces off the ropes, Kidman telegraphs the back bodydrop attempt, so Skip give a kick to his chest. Kidman, stunned as can be, moves back to the ropes. Skip runs towards him, Kidman with a backdrop, but Skip lands his feet on the outer mat canvas. Skip with a shoulder to Kidman's gut - Skip springboards into a FLYING HEAD-SCISSORS! Sweeeeeeeet. Yes- there are still people who say old Scott Hall catchphrases. BTW, I'm smelling the workrate in THIS match! Skip whips Kidman to the ropes, Kidman bounces off and slides under Skip's legs. Skip turns around and lands a boot. Skip with a short whip to the ropes - Skip tries, but YOU CAN'T POWERB-ugh...ya know the rest. Catchphrase infrigement - possibly. Moving along, Kidman counters with the huracanrana. Kidman with a forearm - now, he tries to whip Skip, Skip reverses - Skip tries again, but YOU CAN'T POWE- shit, STOP trying, Skip! He'll NEVER take a powerbomb from someone. Never, I tell you! Kidman with a boot to counter, then, he bounces off the ropes for a crossbody, but Skip ducks back first, while still keeping his balance. Kidman is hurt at ringside. Skip tries for a "high risk manuver", as Tony would call it, but Kidman moves out of the way. Skip is okay - he didn't bump there. Sorry for the bad describing...Skip comes onto the outside canvas, but Kidman clips him on the knee. Kidman whips Skip onto the guardrail. Kidman throws him back into the ring. Kidman thinks about sling-shoting himself in, but thinks better of it. Kidman picks Skip up - only to kick his ass back down again. Crosscorner whip sends Skip running up top to do a backflip - NICE overhead suplex ( I think) by Skip. Skip stretching his own leg to deliver a legdrop. That's the thing with wrestlers - they have to showoff SOMEHOW before a rudimentary move. Roaddogg's contribution to modern day wrestling... Skip covers for 2. Skip with quite a few boots now. Skip with a headlock - wrenching on it - Superman Comeback elbows by Kidman. Skip puts an end to that by pulling Kidman down to the mat by his hair. You go, Skip! Crosscorner whip gets reversed by Kidman - Kidman bounces off the adjacent ropes to hit his PERPENDICULAR clothesline. Kidman drags him closer to another corner. Kidman up top, but Skip gets some punches in.
Okay, a little break in action. I don't know how to describe what has just happened. Skip holds Kidman's by the hands and Kidman flips himself back-first onto the mat. It's a really contrived move - let's just say that.
Now, back to regularity. Skip covers Kidman for 2. Skip tries for a vertical suplex, but Kidman gets a waistlock and hits a belly to back that MORPHS into a belly to belly just like that. Cover for 2 by Billy. Okay, maybe he doesn't suck. Eh, maybe he still does. Kidman with a hiptoss, which is blocked - Skip with a hiptoss, which is blocked, but Skip hits a knee and...
Skip's leg is on the back of Kidman's head (like a Fame-asser), but Skip uses Kidman's arm to shift Kidman's momentum so Kidman falls on his back REALLY hard. My descriptions suck. If you've gotten this far reading this, shouldn't YOU be outside getting laid? And what about me - shouldn't I be getting laid???? Anyhow, great visual...it was Skip's finisher from Thunder this week...
Skip tells him to GET UP - go for the cover, damnit. Skip picks Kidman up for soem move, but Kidman goes behind and hits the Rydeen bomb for 2. Kidman tries the Acid Drop bulldog, but Skip counters by hitting a DRAGON SUPLEX for 2. I haven't seen that since Benoit used that on Kanyon! This match ROCKS - it's too bad that the crowd is dead. They wanna see the man, KEVIN NASH. Fuck you, fans! Skip tries for a belly to back, but Kidman lands behind Skip, Kidman setting up...and hits the Tomikaze for the pin, thus the win. (5:01 of my life, but like an hour combined writing and typing)
Commercial - Nitro Girls pr0n tease
THE PERFECT EVENT vs. MARK JINDRAK and SEAN O' HARE
My tape rewinded. Honest. But I did watch the rest of the match. Let's just pretend I actually WOULDN'T have slacked off on PBP on this match, kay? Basically, Jindrak is green as hell and that was proven. O'Hare annoys me with that stupid clothesline shit he did. Meat didn't wow me at all. But Palumbo was pretty solid. And he is the only one in the ring with an actual personality - maybe he's marketable. But this match sucked. I HATED this. Move here, move there. Heat segment with Palumbo on Jindrak was something I've on WWF Superstars week in and week out. Damn, if I could've taped one of those Razor Ramon squashes and watched it instead of this - that was at least entertaining. The ending came on the use of that flexor thing that skinny guys like me DON'T use.
Hudson and Zybysko close the show, but first they talk a little about the New Blood Rising PPV coming up. Zybysko says something about Booker T not just fighting Jarrett at the PPV. How subtle!
Thanks for reading, as usual. It's a pleasure writing for [slash]. Now email me - tell me that my recaps are worthwhile and all. (Again, the nicer you are, the more love I'll give ya. And that's what you live for - RIGHT?)
And lastly, a message to you, CRZ:
I went to [slash] today to discover my comrade and partner in crime, EC Ostermeyer's worldwide recap was up. Unfortunately, it was my turn to do it. So now, after a brief discussion with EC, we've come to a decision.
A really mean and cynical decision! It's so EVIL that even YOU can't stop it! Yeah! It's been a few months of recapping this site and we've been held down. We've been held down by you, I tells ya!
But no more! NO MORE! We shall not be chained by those who oppress us! In other words, we're taking over this joint!
EC will give you more details. Sleep well, CRZ, because THE FUTURE OF SLASH IS AT STAKE!
Bye, guys and gals!
.marxist sympathizer - whoracle - friend of chris benoit - lazy bitch.
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