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/wrestling /worldwide /28 October 2000 |
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/wrestling /worldwide /28 October 2000 |
WCW Worldwide by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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MainBLAH |
This is the "WCW Worldwide" report for Saturday, 28 October 2000, and I'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer. Opening Credits. Terry Taylor tries to hack into the Spice Channel, but gets the Jimmy Swaggart Crusade off INSP. Man, Swaggart hasn't sounded this good since he left Ringling Bros. I see he finally managed to master that silly sleeve spring. "Worldwide Command Central," (in actuality, the basement of Lenox Square Mall in Atlanta) is festively decorated for Halloween. The decorators being Mrs. Simpson's Third Grade Class. Lots of styrofoam tombstones, cobwebs, construction paper spiders, spooky lighting, pumpkin candles, and mood fog. Oh, and the prop coffin from the last WCW "Casket Match." You know, the one with the "Bischoff Rulz!" bumper sticker on the lid. Your hosts are the ever-dapper Scott Hudson, and... What the...? HORNS??!! Heenan (aka Bobby the Brain) is sporting what appears to be a pseudo-native American headdress. He looks like he's a member of Fred Flintstone's "Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes." "Are those horns on your head, or are you just glad to see me?" asks Hudson. I happen to be a very handsome hat-rack," retorts Heenan. "I love this time of the year!" he continues. "You can go door-to-door begging for food, you can scare everyone, and you can't get into trouble for it! Just a great time of the year!" Hudson opines that if Heenan showed up at his door dressed like that, then he, (Hudson) would have the daylights scared out of him. Since it's the Halloween show, what better time to for Scott Hudson to shill for the upcoming "WCW Halloween Havoc" PPV? Hudson runs down the card for a bit, then focuses on Sting's feud with Jeff Jarrett. "Jarrett has questioned whether or not Sting still has any heart left for the business," offers Hudson. "Sting has to be extra careful in this match, because he took a heckuva shot in the head from Jarrett (in Melbourne, Australia.) If a man has no heart, has no desire to compete, he's a loser. I think Jeff Jarrett has Sting's number; in fact, I KNOW Jarrett has his number." Hudson is still fascinated with Heenan's chapeau. "If you blow in this end," (pointing), "can you call moose out of the tundra with those things?" "I don't have no idea where Moose lives," responds Heenan. Hudson does a quick double-take, but recovers nicely. We go to footage from the Melbourne, Australia Nitro, (from what, FOUR weeks back?). As we go to tape, Heenan grabs the horn "handlebars" of his hat and goes "VROOOOMM!" Footage of the Lumberjack Match between Sting and (God help us all!) Kevin Nash. Nash is working the match like an elderly horse, when Sting decides on a power surge. After a flurry of lefts and rights, Nash falls clumsily out of the ring to the floor at ringside... and into the waiting arms of the Misfits In Action, who proceed to "put the boot in" on Big Sexy. "DON'T KICK HIM!" squeals Mark Madden. Later, Sting conducts an impromptu "wrestling class" for the Natural Born Thrillers at ringside, with "Coach" Nash his unwilling subject. Sting locks Nash into the Scorpion Death Lock. NBT's drag their coach to the ropes. Attempt at interference by Scott Steiner gets shortstopped by World Champion Booker T. Back in the ring, Nash looks like he's trying to use Sting's noggin like a twist-off cap. Chaos at ringside as the lumberjacks pitch into one another. Sting powers out, and tears into Nash with punches in bunches. Stinger Splash times two. Nash waffles referee Charles Robinson. Sting tries for a third Stinger Splash, but Jeff Jarrett pops up at ringside to deliver a massive "El-Kabong" to Sting's melon. Nash gets the pifal. "And it's all legal," chortles Madden, " because Jarrett was a lumberjack,and he's okay!" (Cute. A "Monty Python" reference from Madden. What next, witty repartee from "Fawlty Towers?") Hudson says that jarrett may question Sting's heart, but consider Kevin Nahs. Fresh off the interview with the Wall Street Journal, and an appearance on ABC's "Politically Incorrect", Nash's heart may not be in this as much as Jeff Jarrett's. Jarrett is looking to put Sting out of wrestling. "And he may do it," replies Heenan. "Sting took a shot to the head that would have put a lesser man out for good. It used to be that Sting cared about the fans, and about winning a lot more than he does now. Jeff Jarrett's got Sting's number. You can look in a man's eyes and tell if he hasn't any heart left. I predict it's over for Sting. Plus, health-wise, taking a shot like that to the head, who really knows what shape he's in?" Commercials. WinterFresh gum wants to talk about that nasty mouth of yours. Aw, for cryin' out loud! David Arquette-Cox in "Day Job: No Rest for the Wicked." Or for the long-suffering viewers, it appears. "Good Morning America" promo. The words "waste," "of", and "air-time" spring to mind. We're back. Looks like the WCW Props Dept. has increased the "mood fog" budget over the commercial break. Now the stuff's knee deep. Hudson talks about the burgeoning feud between Shane "Franchise" Douglas & Torrie Wilson, and the Filthy Animals' Konnan & Tygress, Heenan: "Though we all acknowledge Douglas and Torrie for their style and class, you gotta, in the back of your mind, think about Konnan. This guy is a street-wise streetfighter. He's a wrestler. He can do aerial moves. Plus, he can have a doorknob in his pocket. He can carry a lead pipe; a baseball bat. The man is capable of ANYTHING, and that's what makes him so dangerous. And when Tygress hooks those claws into Torrie Wilson, she may not be as pretty as she is now, or as pretty as she will be then, or as pretty as she could be. You understand." Hudson is still trying to make sense out of Heenan's last sentence. "Do you have a pen, so we can break that last statement down, Brain?" "I don't have a pen, Scott, " says Heenan smugly, leaning back in his chair. Whoops, Heenan forgot about his headdress, the weight of which nearly topples him out of his chair. Footage from the Melbourne Nitro, features the incomparable stylings of Shane "The Franchise" Douglas on the microphone. Douglas utters the best line of the night: "Okay, Konnan, now you got me in a BAD MOOD!" What a hoot! Torrie Wilson looks gorgeous as usual. Douglas' "bad mood" brings out the Filthy Animals, sans the fired Juvy. We get an impromptu handicap match, which Douglas evens out through the liberal use of Mace(tm). Torrie handcuffs K-Dawg to the ring-ropes, but hangs around trash-talking, and gets throttled one-handed by Konnan. Well, Douglas ain't standing for THAT! He paintbrushes the shackled Konnan, then makes him watch as the Maced Rey Mysterio gets "Franchised." Back to the studio, where Hudson asks Brain, "since Douglas and Torrie wanted to take out the Filthy Animals prior to Halloween Havoc, what must they be thinking now that Konnan & Co. are going to be there? Heenan: "Now you've made "The Franchise" mad! He had a plan to take Konnan and the Filthy Animals out, only to have the plan scotched. So now, Konnan, YOU better be ready. You better bring all your street-fighting skills and weapons. You made "The Franchise" mad. And once he gets mad, he gets even!" Hudson shows footage from Buff Bagwell and Nitro Girl Chiquita at a "schmooze and autograph session" at "Sir Goony's Family Fun House" in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Footage shows Buff and Chiquita "livin' large & in charge" with the fans. An eight year-old kid has a cooler hat than the Buff Daddy. Back to the studio... ...and no Bobby Heenan. According to Scott, Bobby has ventured off into the cemetery. Heenan, amongst the tombstones, is now wearing a set of night goggles in addition to the headdress. He appears to be carrying a tray full of donuts "To all the Elvis Presley fans! He is STILL WITH US! I found these three dozen donuts right here next to his tombstone! There's a prune danish here, there's a cluster, there's a glazed, there's a chocolate..." "What is this, the DESSERT tray?" hollers Hudson, "This is a damn broadcast!" "Elvis is still here, because there's only nine donuts missing! It's fresh! Elvis is alive! I'm gonna take off, I'll, uh, see you a little bit later, Scott. I'm gonna go out and get myself a cold one." Bobby tucks the cumbersomely laden tray under one arm, and strolls off backstage. "Well, leave the donuts for Pete's sake! Elvis may come...back?" Scott turns to the camera, a resigned look on his face. "Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan says that Elvis is apparently still alive. When we come ba- (offstage) Seriously, leave me a danish, would you?" Off-stage, there's a "thump", and a loud "OWW!" Hudson, seeing what has transpired, winces. Local commercial block. Local "Discount Furniture Outlet." Rednecks in La-Z-Boys. Again. Dumbass local country radio station promo, featuring a FAT guy dressed in a t-shirt, shorts, cowboy boots and a Resistol hat. He's doin' the Texas Two-Step to some twangy, screechy music comnoutof a boombox. The last time he was on TV, the station said that if we didn't listen to their stuff, they'd make him get naked. Glad you're ratings went up, guys. For ALL our sakes. We come back, and Find that Heenan has resumed his place at the broadcast table. His face is liberally coated with...powdered sugar? "I know it was only a short commercial, Brain, but how many did you EAT?" "I did not have one donut," says Heenan, piously, "prima facial" evidence to the contrary. "Well," says Hudson, offering a handkerchief, "the one donut you didn't have, kinda left it's uhhh, "mark", you should pardon the expression." Heenan takes the cloth and begins wiping his face in great agitation. The topic is Goldberg's quest to beat his old record. Win 177 matches, and he has a shot at the Championship Title. Lose just once, and he's gone for good from wrestling. At Halloween Havoc, he faces an awesome challenge when he meets Kronik in a Handicap match. Heenan: "Meeting one member of Kronik is bad enough. But BOTH of them?! All Goldberg has to do is continue on this streak. If he gets past Kronik, he will go over 200 wins. But, lose just once, and that's all for Goldberg!" Backstage footage from Thunder in Australia shows Kronik sandbagging Goldberg. "They're mercenaries, AND they're merciless!" pipes up Mark Madden brightly. More footage shows Goldberg, still backstage, doing the "Snipe Hunt" routine. I can just hear him. Going from door to door... "Uh, 'scuse me, you got any Kronik in there?" One of the Harris Boyz (does it matter WHICH one?!) meets Goldberg in the hall, and tries on some dissing. Let's see, the equation is "1 Goldberg + 1 earlier beatdown + 1 resulting bad mood + not finding Kronik + dissy crap from a lummox equals, ummmm, (carry the two...) ...ah, yes, equals 1 squashed lummox!" To the ring, where Team Canada's "PrimeTime" Elix Skipper awaits his turn to squash the Goldberg juggernaut. Spear/jackhammer, drive through, please. (11-0) "HE PICKED HIM UP LIKE HE WAS A SMALL FARM ANIMAL, TONY!" squeals Guess Who. Small farm animal...? More fun is the "Countdown to Armageddon" match, where Mike Awesome and the Filthy Animals take on the Natural Born Thrillers. The prize is a shot at the Heavyweight Title against the winner of the Booker T/Scott Steiner Title match at Halloween Havoc. Out comes Kronik, to beat some heads in. Out comes Goldberg. Double spear for Kronik. Mike Awesome wins, by the way. Hudson: "Will lightning strike twice at Halloween Havoc for Bill Goldberg, Sunday night in Vegas?" Heenan: "Vince Russo is always thinking, he's always pondering, 'what can I do next?' He saw what Goldberg did, and he saw what Goldberg can do. Now, Goldberg is on that run of his, he's got that momentum like he had when he first started out. He is going to be VERY hard to beat. And just think of that great party that the '70's Guy, Mike Awesome is going to throw, after he wins the Title on Monday. Can you imagine that? The Monkees are gonna be there. Sly & the Family Stone will be there. He's gonna have just... uhhhh, EVERYBODY from the '70's there. What a party that's gonna be!" "I'll, uh, let you give my regrets to THAT bunch, if you please," retorts Hudson. Commercials. "Welcome back to 'WCW WorldWi-, are you all right, Brain?" "What?" "You look kind of "peak-ed." You got a fever? "No, but I have a femur...!" (Heenan pulls up huge leg bone and brandishes it.) Ba-dumdum! Hudson, making a face at the bad pun, relieves Heenan of the bone. There's an audible sigh of relief from the camera crew. "Where'd you get that?" asks Hudson. "I found it in the graveyard." Heenan gets "The Look" as Hudson tosses the femur over his shoulder, a la Henry the Eighth. It's time for "Ask WCW!" In place of the laptop computer, there's what appears to be a pet coffin on the announcer' table. Scott digs around inside, and... "This week's question is for Bobby, "the Brain" Heenan..." "Yes," interrupts Heenan, "I was a wrestling superstar all my years in this crazy industry, and I...!" "Do you mind?! Let me read the question first! Nobody cares to hear about Sheboygan and the VFW..." Adam Leslie of Atlantic, Iowa writes: "I am the Disqo's biggest fan. But what the heck is up with that duck?" Heenan stares at the camera, apparently lost in thought. He then grabs his nose. "Smaller bill!" "That's IT?" asks Hudson. "That's it!" retorts Heenan. Hudson shakes his head in disgust. "We apologize for Bobby, the Brain Heenan, Adam..." Hudson runs down the fight card for the "Halloween Havoc" PPV. Booker T defends his Championship Title against Scott Steiner. Heenan: "Bet the farm on Scott Steiner. He's never held the Championship. He's hungry, and he's ready. If you are a betting man, or a Scott Steiner fan, get this PPV, because you are gonna see him become the Heavyweight Champion of the World!" Goldberg v. Kronik with the win streak on the line. Sting v. Jeff Jarrett. Shane Douglas & Torrie Wilson, v. Konnan & Tygress. Heenan: " Konnan will be goin' home in that '58 Pontiac he drives, by himself. Because Tygress is going in the meat-wagon to the hospital." Hudson gives Heenan another Look, then continues: Gen'l. Rection v. Lance Storm w/ Hacksaw Jim Duggan of Team Canada in a handicap match for the Canadian/US Title. WCW Hardcore Title match, pits Reno in defense of the belt against Sgt. A-Wall. Buff Bagwell v. David Flair in a "DNA Match." Heenan: Well, you know, Bagwell was embarrassed by David Flair. David didn't realize that nobody makes a fool out of Buff Bagwell. But, then again, David Flair's not all there right now..." "Obviously," agrees Hudson. "...he's not thinking with both horns, you know." "Both horns?" "Yeah, both horns." "Just tremendous, Brain." The Cat w/ Ms. Jones v. Mike Sanders to become the undisputed Commissioner of WCW. Over to the, uhhh "Worldwide Arena" for tonight's in-ring action, and we join the announcers, Mike Tenay and Good God! Wrestling's Only Living Legend Larry Zbyszko! HOORAY! Good to see LarryZ behind the stick again. Match #1: Robbie Rage d. Allen Walker, ("Cross-face Cobra"/ submission, 3:18) Tenay and Zbyszko are calling the match in voice-over, and are NOT at ringside. Rage opens his assault on Walker with a go-behind followed by a waistlock. Rage uses his considerable strength and height advantage to toss Walker to the mat. Walker slowly gets to his feet, and is trying to break Rage's waistlock. Two elbow shots to the head, and Walker succeeds. Walker attempts a wristlock, but Rage escapes, and scoopslams Walker onto the mat. Standing arm-bar by Rage Cross-ring whip by Rage. Walker ducks Rage's first clothesline, then submarines between Rage's legs, avoiding a superkick. Leaping double dropkick from Walker catches Rage right in the face. Cover by Walker, 1,2, Rage kicks out. Front headlock by Walker, but he holds on too long and gets shoved into the far ropes by Rage. Walker rebounds, and Rage snaps him over in a nasty belly-to-belly suplex. Chop by Rage ("Whooo!") and another ("Whooo!) and another ("Whooo!") that sends Walker to the canvas. Rage jaws with the crowd for a bit, then torques on Walker's left ankle for a bit. Step-over toe-hold, and Rage bends the leg back, and also pulling Walker's chin for the submission. Walker just barely makes the ropes, forcing Rage to break the hold. Rage stomps on Walker's calf muscle, then stomps on his head a couple of times. Rage picks up Walker, sets as for a piledriver, but runs Walker full tilt into first one, and then the opposite turnbuckle stack. Rage dumps the rather squooshy Walker to the mat, then locks on his Cobra Cross-face submission for the win. Commercials. Match #2: Mike Awesome d. Kevin Northcutt, (Running Awesome Bomb,/pin, 3:50) Zbyszko says that Mike Awesome should dress up like a REAL 70's guy, Dr. Timothy Leary. I thought Leary was a "60's kind of guy?" As the match gets underway, Tenay and LarryZ shil for the Halloween havoc PPV. Northcutt opens with a kneelift to the gut of Mike Awesome. Northcutt then tosses (!) Awesome into the corner, lands two massive chops ("Whooo!" x 2), jaws with the crowd, then nails Awesome on the side of the head with a big elbow. Snap-mare sends Awesome to the mat, where Northcutt promptly lands a double mulekick to the back of Awesome's neck, followed by a snap legdrop. Lateral press,by Nrthcutt, cover, 1,2, no! Cross-ring whip by Northcutt gets reversed. Northcutt avoids eating a big Awesome boot by hanging onto the ropes, then body drops Awesome over the top rope. Northcutt turns around to accept the cheers of the fans, and is therefore unaware that Awesome managed to land on his feet outside on the ring apron. Northcutt gets an update real quick, as Awesome grabs Northcutt's long pigtail, and yanks him back-first onto the mat. Awesome vaults into the ring over the top rope, and nails Northcutt with a flying lateral press. Giant Splash by Awesome and a cover, 1,2, Northcutt kicks out. Awesome rares back, and nails Northcutt with a running lariat, sending the big man over the top rope and down to the floor. Awesome winds up, rebounds off the far ropes, and then leaps over the top rope in another Giant Splash on Northcutt, and both wrestlers wind up on the floor. Northcutt's the first to recover, as he picks Awesome up and drops him face-first onto the ring apron. There's a whip to the steel guardrail, and Awesome falls over it, and into the crowd at ringside. Lots of fans patting Mike on the back as he struggles to regain his feet. Meanwhile, Northcutt jaws with the crowd some more, then grabs up a steel folding chair. He shows it off to various fans at ringside. Whoops, too much, as he winds up with the chair nailed to his face by an Awesome Kick off the top of the steel guardrail. Awesome then grabs the steel chair, and wallops Northcutt with it. Awesome rolls Northcutt back into the ring, and climbs up the turnbuckle stack on the far side of the ring. As Northcutt gets groggily to his feet, Awesome leaps off the top turnbuckle, and connects with a flying lariat. A huge "spot" for a man of his size, and well-executed, too. Meanwhile, LarryZ is vying with Mike Tenay to come up with increasingly more obscure references to the 1970's. W.I.N. buttons, I ask you! Cross-corner whip by Awesome, but Northcutt ducks, and Awesome's Avalanche finds nothing but steel. Superkick by Northcutt, and Awesome goes down, then rolls out of the ring. Northcutt tries a baseball slide, but forgets to put his legs together, and gets crotched really HARD on the bottom rope! Yeowtch! As Northcutt writhes in pain, Awesome sees his opportunity, and climbs the near turnbuckle stack. Awesome Splash, and a cover,1,2, Northcutt kicks out! Awesome sets Northcutt up for a piledriver, only to have Northcutt power out with a back bodydrop. Northcutt, confident that he's got the match in the bag, climbs the middle turnbuckle, and motions to the crowd that he's gonna do a, a what, a Shooting Star Press? Not if Awesome has anything to do with it, as he nails Northcutt in the back of the head with a closed fist, then hooks the big man into a running Awesome Bomb. Cover,1,2,3! Mike Awesome wins the match. Castrol GTX (Drive HARD!) Instant Replay shows Mike Awesome's Giant Splash that squashes Kevin Northcutt at ringside, and then the running Awesome Bomb that finished the match. Halloween Havoc PPV promo. Commercials. Hudson and Heenan run the PPV matches one more time. Heenan gets the last word: "I believe that Scott Steiner's gonna be Champion of the World. And all you kiddies, when you bring back your bags of goodies, let your parents check it out before you dig in. Have a safe Halloween! It's a fun time of year, and... (points to one of the pumpkin candles n the desk.) hand me that candle there, would you, Scott?" "We will see you in Las Ve- what, this candle here?" "Yeah, it should be lit." Heenan digs a lighter out of his pocket, and flicks it a couple of times Hudson draws back to a safe distance. "This has 'tragedy' written all over it. For Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan, I'm Scott Huds...(!)" "An idiot could do this," says Heenan. "...an 'idiot', huh?" retorts Hudson. Heenan succeeds in lighting the candle, and sets it, CAREFULLY, in front of Scott Hudson. Hudson: "Well, anyway, we're going to Vegas, and we hope to see you all for Halloween Hav...!" Heenan succeeds in lighting the other pumpkin candle. He blows out the lighter... ...then accidentally drops the lighted candle onto the desk... ...whereupon it promptly rolls off the desk and into his lap! "YEOWWW!" "Oooh! Bobby!" "YEEOOOWWW!!" Heenan runs off the set, clutching his, ummm, "in-seam." Closing credits. Hudson: "Can we get some water? A high pressure hose? A sandblaster?" See you next week. E.C. Ostermeyer [slash] wrestling Email the Author |
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