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/4 September 1999

WCW Worldwide by Mike Mousseau




Let me start off this report with a big F-you to the people who read this report. You people are not very smart, and in fact are unqualified to read this report due to a deficiency of wrestling knowledge. Please go away.

I'm Mike, and this is Worldwide, the best wrestling show on television. If you disagree, I don't care because you are wrong, and your opinions don't count. I'd like to dedicate this week's show to Eric Bischoff, my hero; he is the smartest man in the wrestling industry, and we wrestling fans owe him more than we could possibly fathom. He runs his company so well, it makes me wish he were running the country. It's too bad he isn't on Nitro more often. OK, I'm too excited about Worldwide to type any more of an introduction, so let's get to the show!

Our studio hosts are Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. I think Tony is very underrated and underappreciated. And Larry really <is> a living legend! These two great company spokesman pique my interest by bringing up a few current WCW storylines, such as Kiss and their new wrestler, new tag team champions, and the Sting/Hogan/Lex fiasco. I'm psyched! As Larry tells us maybe we shouldn't trust Hulk Hogan, I can't help but think, "If you can't trust the Hulkster, who can you trust?!" Let's go back to 23.8.99 Nitro, where Sting gave an interview, Lex Luger made a grand return to our Monday nights, four men fought in a main event, and four men stood in a ring. If you need more details, click over to CRZ's recap, because I'm busy cleaning my screen that I just J'd on from watching the (overly) exciting action. Back in the studio, the announcers talk some more about Sting and Hogan, but I'm still busy with my spilt seed to catch the details.

Yes! The man, the one and only, the dean of wrestling interviewers, if you will, "Mean" Gene Okerlund is with Harlem Heat. Gene: " . . . a must see match, Harlem Heat vs. Windham Bros." Right on Gene! Stevie Ray carries Harlem Heat. He should go back to singles, where he really shines. And Booker T needs to get in shape. They'll face a couple rednecks at Fall Brawl for a chance to become nine-time tag team champions. Man, those rednecks really get under my skin! I wish Curt Hennig would go back to Texas where he came from! I'll try to keep my temper in check during this set of commercials.

Did I mention I love fuzzy cable? Plus, it sucks that it's on the one channel I watch the most, UPN! Back in the studio, Tony hypes my new favorite wrestler, Demon. He's made up to be a Kiss-looking guy, and he's a wrestler, see, and he's new to this great sport. Back to 23.8.99 Nitro we go to see this mysterious man's entrance. Kiss is the best rock group of all time.

After some commercials, Tony and Larry talk me into believing that when the Windham Bros. beat Harlem Heat, it wasn't an upset. That's true because the rednecks are really tough SOB's. Luckily, we get to see more of 23.8.99 Nitro, where the Windhams defeated HH. If you don't know how it happened, or forgot, check out CRZ's report. I'm too scared of the Windhams to watch them wrestle--they could kill their opponents!

In the studio, Tony talks some more about the rednecks. I'm glad so much of this show is focused on this talented group of athletes. Tony brings up a great point by saying that any members of the rednecks can defend the titles. This follows much logic and there really should be a rule that anyone can defend any title against anyone else, for any (or no) reason.

Next we get to see my favorite music video, "Good Ol' Boys." Those rednecks are tough SOB's.

Although commercial breaks are good, I wish they were longer. If you know a channel of all commercials, or one where there are lots of long ones, let me know so I can watch it. Tony and Larry talk for a bit about the lack of a president in WCW. Tony mentions the internet. My mom told me that the internet is evil--I believe her! JJ Dillon, Dusty Rhodes and Eric Bischoff (my hero) all get their names dropped in this segment. Yes! More commercials!

Match #1: Johnny Attitude v. Chris Adams - Aw, we're to the matches already! I wish this show was only clips of twelve day old Nitro's. I want more entertainment and less wrestling. Wrestling is for lowlifes and deadbeats like you people reading this. Scott Hudson and Mike Tenay are the announcers. Attitude is the heel here, as is Adams. Nick Patrick is the referee. Adams is in the best shape of his career. Stalling to start. Two armdrags by Attitude. Kicks, choke, chop by Attitude. Charge, and eat boots. Adams with a running lariat, not to be confused with a running clothesline. Adams tosses Attitude out of the ring. Attitude's head to the steel steps, and he's probably out cold. Oh my! His head again to the steps, and I fear permanent damage has been done. Back to the ring now, and Adams hits a belly to back suplex (or was it a backdrop suplex?) on Attitude. Adams covers, Patrick counts one, but Hudson says two count, so it was two. I don't know how Attitude is still conscious. Adams punches Attitude in the back of the head, and goes up top. Adams must be a real pussy, because Attitude is recovered already from the weak attacks and crotches his pansy opponent on the top rope. Not that it would hurt, 'cuz he has no balls. Johnny Attitude must have held his breath the first 2:30 of this match to test himself, as he's obviously in peak physical condition and wouldn't otherwise be breathing so hard. Adams whipped to the ropes, and Attitude hits a gorgeous powerslam. Even though Adams tried to escape midmove, Attitude finished it off because he's so strong. That gets a two count. Attitude next shows his vast knowledge of technical wrestling by hitting a vertical suplex for two. Adams is sent to the ropes, ducks a viscious swing, and hits a superkick for the 1,2,3. (3:20) Great psychology in that match.

Gene Okerlund interviews Mona, the former Miss Madness. I read somewhere that she's 23 years old. Although no new ground is broken in the interview, it nevertheless is intense, exciting and orgasmic. Find a copy if you can. Email me if you want a fuzzy copy.

Match #2: Lenny & Lodi v. Disorderly Conduct - DC does not get an entrance. Lenny and Lodi are brothers, and if you think differently it's because you're perverted and keep your head in the gutter. Lenny has a rear waistlock on D, switch, and D breaks the hold not because Lenny wiggles his hips, but because he wants a clean start. This is not a comedy match, by the way. Lenny and Lodi are being built up as credible wrestlers. I'm enthralled by the action, and cannot tear myself from the match to give you play by play. This is a five-star affair. If any tag team is gay, it is Disorderly Conduct. Referee is Billy Silverman, and I wish this match would go on forever so I miss the UW Badgers replay on right now. Urinage by D (or C) on Lenny. End sees Lenny hit a cross body on C (or D) while up in a Lodi vertical suplex. (6:26) Snickers replay confirms what I already suspected: Disorderly Conduct jobs here because they're set to win the titles down the road. These guys should get twice as much time for a match next week.

Tony hypes Fall Brawl, Hogan, Sting, Hogan some more, WCW, and Zbyszko to end the show.

Don't even dare email me telling me what you thought of the column. Even if you do, I won't respond. I hate getting email. Don't read this column next week, either.

Mike Mousseau
[slash] wrestling

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