/28 October 2000
Women of Wrestling
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #4
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 3 1/2 (+ 1/2)
LAST WEEK ON WOW: Well, technically, Lana Star's path of rage took place *two* weeks ago, but maybe it's EXPENSIVE to change the on-screen graphics!
TONIGHT: Riot! Ice Cold! For the title, the Disciplinarian takes on Terri Gold!
We fade to the challenger erasing the champion's name off a chalkboard. "Terri Gold may have scored high marks in gymnastics, but she will NEVER live up to my standards. Get ready to lose your title, Terri, because class is in session!" And then she smacks her palm with her yardstick. Ooh! You know what was missing? She should've said "DEFINITION"
Hey, what better way to outlast the WXO than by moving to a SECOND taping! You can tell because somebody bought a new WOW entryway. Is this the 7 October taping? Anybody know? Whenever it was taped from the Great Western Forum in suburban Los Angeles, CA, it's airing in *this* syndicated market the weekend of 28 October - this is Episode Four of the Women of Wrestling - WOW!
LANA STAR makes an entrance as DAVID McLANE stands in the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to WOW!" Kane pyro at all four corners. "Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise--" "Excuse me, I have something to say. This is now the Lana Star show! And I'd like to thank all my millions of fans for coming out and supporting me tonight." "Lana Star show? Lana Star, I don't even know why you're out here - fans, I must apologise. Lana Star is not scheduled to appear on this card, and after her actions just a week ago, you shouldn't even be in WOW!" "Not WOW, the Lana Star show, and along with being a star, I'm also the executive producer--" "Since when?" "Since right now. And, I'm here to beautify the TV landscape!" "Landscape? What you did with Randi Rah Rah was so ugly, fans, please draw your attention to WOWvision and see what took place." "Yay!" "Lana Star certainly did, fans. Your actions, Lana Star, have cost me a lotta money. Randi Rah Rah, ladies and gentlemen, due to that hitting with the mirror on top of her head will be out of action due to eye surgery for over three months." "Well, less Randi Rah Rah means more TV time for Lana Star - with all the added responsibilities of being the star and executive producer of the show, I've had to hire a personal assistant - someone to answer the phone, get my lunch, and do all my lame little tasks. After looking long and hard, I think I've found someone suitable for my needs." POISON comes out - well, that really only makes SENSE when you *really think* about it. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome the newest member of my production company, my personal assistant Poison!" Poison tries to take the mic, but Lana holds it away from her. "You have a non-speaking role today."
POISON (with Lana Star) v. P-A-T-T-I-P-A-T-T-I PATTI PEP PATTI PEP (insert appropriate rhythmic clapping) - Yes, friends, we're *already* recycling matchups, as we saw *this* particular one two weeks ago. McLane apparently sacked the ring announcer to save money: "Poison's opponent today...Patti Pep!" Star: "You know what? I didn't get the job finished last time, but tonight Poison's gonna finish you off. I reserved two hospital beds...one for you and one for Randi Rah Rah." Second announcer LEE MARSHALL at least appears to have a proper time-space orientation as he refers to the events of "two weeks ago" - then again, post-production CAN be a wonderful thing. Golly, did Poison's lips actually mouth "kiss my ass?" That's not family friendly! On the other hand, I've never actually SEEN a TV ratings box on this show...hey, enough chit chat, let's make with the action calling....thing. Lockup, arm wringer by Poison, stomping to indicate that she's wrenching it in - but Pep's a cheerleader, you see, and she manages a cartwheel to reverse it. Stomp! Poison to the hair and down goes Pep. Pep argues the hairpull...to no avail. Everybody back up, and back to the tieup. Side headlock (with stomps) by Poison. Powering out is Pep, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Poison. Up and over, Pep with a cheerleadin' leapfrog, alleged back elbow, into the ropes, possible edit, dropkick, superfluous cartwheel splash for 1. Poison to the eyes - bodyslam. In the corner, to the opposite corner, man all these edits are making me dizzy. We're supposed to notice Star NOT paying attention to the match - checking her makeup with the ubiquitous mirror instead. Hiptoss - I think. Snapmares her over. To the headlock. Pep elbows out, but Poison goes to the hair to take her down again. Poison rolls her over and goes to the cameltoe clutch. That lasts all of a few seconds until Poison tugs on the hair, then throws her to the mat with a facejam. Looks like she's motioning to Star, and sure enough she's up on the apron as Poison is ready to bring her over...the referee with no last name confiscates the mirror; however, she's got the spray behind her back - but oh no! Pepe manages to duck it and Poison takes the full brunt of the blast - Pep with a quick rollup. 1, 2, 3! (2:37) "I can't believe you messed this up! You want a towel? I'll give you a towel!" Then she breaks the mirror over HER head - and then drops the towel on her. "At least that hospital bed won't go to waste." Replay of the mirror conk from three angles - and the longish pause before Poison falls backwards to the mat.
Enhance your experience with a visit to the Women of Wrestling website at wowe.com!
COMING UP NEXT: Riot vs. Caliente!
RIOT v. CALIENTE - Riot, you'll recall, smashes up a car just like Michael Jackson did in the "Black or White" video. Speaking of which, there *is* a ring announcer at this taping, but he must be a different one, because that's a white dude in the tux. "Introducing first, the heavy metal maniac - Riot! Her opponent from Los Angeles...the firey Caliente!" Caliente (think star of "forbidden dance" movie) may be firey, but her nipples say it's cold out there. Oh no, Caliente, look out for that sinister masked man! Fortunately, the entrance video enemy is thwarted with a timely...hip thrust. Yeah. Geez, her nipples are hypnotic. I feel DIRTY ogling her. Caliente making as matador after pulling off her skirt. Here we go. Slap by Riot - ooh! Caliente catches the next one and goes to the...arm wringer with stompin'. Riot to the hair to pull her down. Caliente complains and we finally get the name of our skinny ref - "Blind" Josh Milton. Lockup, hairpull take down by Riot, but Caliente meets her with a monkey flip as she approaches. "Caliente que vida!" Riot runs into a drop toehold. Hammerlock keeping her down. Riot to her feet - now Caliente ... yup, stamps on that armbar. Into the ropes is reversed, dropkick by Caliente. 1, kickout. Double leg by Riot - and a slingshot. Riot using the hair once again. Riot mocking her into the camera, asking her to smile - "awwwwwwww." Big beal can only mean one thing - it's time for an AD BREAK! "Don't go away or else!" Or else what? Or else you WON'T KNOW WHO WINS! (Although we only saw one graphic at the very beginning of the show, so....ohhh MAN I'm overthinking this)
When we come back, Riot is waggling her tongue (OH MAN) and there's a shot to the opposite corner...but Caliente gets her feet up - second rope crossbody gets...2! Caliente taking command, but Riot goes to the eyes. Riot with a bodyslam. Caliente's got the bestest tightest outfits. Riot walks across the stomach. Riot up top...but she must have had a little Flair in her at one time, because Caliente beals her off for 2. Caliente to the second rope...nope, Riot is over with a gutshot...got her over her shoulder...hey THERE'S an angle only gynecologists usually get to see - and there's the slam. 1, 2, PULLS HER UP! Pulling the hair as well. Riot has he hair again. "What do you want me to do with her?" THAT'S a loaded question, isn't it? Riot has her head between her legs (GEEZ), and Caliente is unable to free herself...gut the waistlock - BIG powerbomb! Drops down - 1, 2, 3. (2:06 + 2:31) - Riot makes mocking motions with Caliente's skirt, then swings her bat...and a miss as Milton and Caliente clear the ring.
JACKLYN HIDE sez: "No one is totally good - and no one is totally evil. The other side is always under the surface waiting to appear. Sometimes it manifests for a brief instant...a flash of anger...or a fleeting smile. And in very rare instances, both good and evil (turns to face the camera and puts on the 'possessed' voice) ARRIVE AT THE SAME TIME!" Well now I'M frightened.
JULIE DAY stands backstage with Danger. "Danger, tonight you're facing Wendi Wheels." "Wendi Wheels, please. I'm gonna throw a monkey wrench into her plans. 'cause tonight, Wendi's driving straight into the Danger Zone. It's my house, my rules."
BOOM BOOM v. JACKLYN HIDE (with a jack-o-lantern) - "From the island of Maui, the Volcano...Boom Boom!" She actually gets an entrance this week...but a real SHORT entrance. Sing her them with me. "Boom Boom! Boom Boom!" and so on. Hide has an entrance video that will change your life. "Please help me...help me...please...help me...help me." See, she's strapped to the bed, and all the doctors and nurses gawk but do nothing...and then she runs away all scary looking and bobbing around and...somebody hold me. "Her opponent, accompanied to the ring by Nurse Percy, from the Psychiatric Care Unit, Jacklyn Hide." She screams a lot...then does that "hand in front of the face" bit and tells us she's okay...and would just like a little help. She presents the pumpkin to McLane. Oh, also she's wearing those half-tights reminiscient of either (a) Cat from the "Sign of the Times" tour or (b) Princess from "USA Dance Party." Lockup, to the corner - clean break. Hide combs Boom Boom's hair - then turns maniac. Snapmare! Top rope splash...misses! Boom Boom with a headbutt. All them island girls have the hard head, see - another headbutt. Into the corner, big avalanche - sorry, volcano splash in the corner. Another splash gets...only 2! Scoop...and a slam. Posing in the corner - probably not a good idea. But the dropkick still hits...but she only gets 2! Oh oh, she's snapped - and referee "Blind" Josh Milton is chased all the way to the outside! Hide over and on the back of Boom Boom - who manages to push her off. Boom Boom has her in position for the Boom Boom Squash (aka Banzai Drop) - but Hide meets her with two boots, and she falls backwards, taking out the ref in the process. Hide pulls her outside - but Boom Boom is unaffected by the head to the apron, and she puts HER head to the apron instead! Boom Boom again falls victim to the need to bond with the fandom at ringside. Meanwhile, Hide grabs the pumpkin - THAT'S NOT A WEAPON! And, no matter HOW hard your head is, you just can't absorb a shot with a pumpkin. Everybody back in - Hide spinning around with inner turmoil and conflict, and falling over her. Milton manages to recover just enough for a Hebner-level slow count, but STILL getting to three. (3:15) Hide shakes her hand and kisses her forehead, but only with the good half of her lips, I guess. The good half of me thought the technical aspect of this match was really rather lacking. The bad half of me is considering rewinding back to catch Caliente again before continuing this report.
Day stands with Ice Cold backstage. "Ice Cold, you're about to go up against the talented tool girl, Hammerin' Heather Steele." "I don't care how talented she is with her tools. She can bring a hammer, a chisel, a buzzsaw into the ring and it's not gonna stop my ice pick. Then I'm gonna put her in the deep freeze." "That's a rather cold attitude." "An icccccccccce cold attitude?" Day has sympathetic chills. "Let's go and see how Hammerin' Heather Steele is getting ready for this match..."
Here's a shot of Hammerin' Heather Steel working on...a chair, I guess. She demurely blows on her drillbit (hey, I'VE got a...aw man, I'm sorry), then blows some sawdust off her shoulder (and probably a temporary tattoo as well). "Will she break the ice?" says the graphic. Then she looks RIGHT at me, and I suddenly have no need for
ICE COLD v. HAMMERIN' HEATHER STEELE (already in the ring) - "Introducing first, from the deep freeze, Ice Cold!" No Gangrelevator for her this week. "From Sweet Home, Oregeon - the talented tool girl, Hammerin' Heather Steele!" Lockup, Ice Cold shoves her to the corner, face rake, cheesy punches, snapmare, off the ropes with an elbowdrop, stomp, stomp, off the ropes with an axehandle, grabbing the hair and pull, face into the mat, shove for the referee "Blind" Josh Milton (did they give Jesse Hernandez the night off?). Ice outside, choking on the second rope, now choking against the apron. Now over to the commentators and borrowing McLane's headset. "Shut up, McLane! This isn't no fantasy, this is Ice Cold Reality! Can you feeeeel the chill? Ice-uh! COLD!" OH MAN REALITY BOOKING IN WEEK FOUR Somehow Ice makes it back to the ring as Milton only gets to eight. Another rope choke for Steele. Cover - shoved off at 2. Head to the turnbuckle. And again. Alleged snapmare takeover - elbowdrop off the ropes MISSES - maybe Steele will do something now. Or maybe not. Steele ducks a...single sledge, I guess, that hits the turnbuckle - quick schoolboy gets 2 - but Cold is quickly back up - got her by the hair - and introducing her to the second rope. Double sledge off the second turnbuckle. 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP! Steele's got a real vapid look in her eyes...who could say why. Scoop...and a slam. Ice Cold up top - AN ELBOWDROP! 1, 2, 3. (3:24) Hold her back! She could bow at any moment! Steele looks...well, the same. Oh well. That MIGHT be why she got glorified jobber duty tonight. Graphic sez: Coming up Next: Danger and Wendi Wheels!
DANGER v. WENDI WHEELS - They actually add a little pyro (and I mean "a" and I mean "little") to Danger's entrance. Wheels is america's sweetheart, by the way. It's a very subtle difference, but Wheels is a mechanic, while Hammerin' Heather Steele is more of a carpenter/fix-it girl. These differences can only be noticed after years of experience in professional wrestling television show critique - and the winner is YOU, THE READER! No ring introductions - Danger starts with a dropkick, reminding ALL of us that it isn't a good idea to turn your back on your opponent just to receive accolades from the fans. Into the ropes, duck, back elbow by Danger hits. Into the ropes, sidewalk slam gets 2. Did Marshall say she was from Mechanicsburg, PA? I think that's a made-up city! Into the corner, possibly a martial arts right hand, or maybe just a punch variation - there's another. There's a kick. Wheels tries a kick, but Danger catches it and pulls her out. Elbowdrop gets 2 - but because the theme tonight is "she pulls her up," SHE PULLS HER UP! That spot is cool when you get it ONCE a night. Every match..well, it starts to lose its impact. You know? Back to the corner, strike with the right. Into the opposite corner, and Wheels gets the boots up. Can she make something with this? Into the ropes, Wheels with a clothesline. 1, 2, Danger shrugs her off. Into the corner, revvin' it up, Dangers runs for her...into a drop toehold! Got the legs...there's a Boston crab! But Danger powers up and drops backwards for 2 - Wheels reverses for 2 - both of 'em up - into the ropes, head down, leapfrog by Wheels, dropping down, feet up to the shoulders, and pulling her down - 1, 2, no. Setting her up for the...well, who knows. Danger scoops her up and slams her. "This is MY house - MY rules!" If she says "It's party time" I think we can start talking lawsuit. Sheels is back up - Danger off the second rope, but Wheels hits a gutshot, and a face jam ("Blowout") - 1, 2, foot on the rope! Into the ropes, Danger ducks the clothesline and hits a uranage. Danger making nasty motions to the crowd - swinging neckbreaker - 1, 2, FOOT ON THE ROPES! Dagner is *sure* she's won but referee "I Work Every Match" Josh Milton tries to 'splain it to her - Danger gives HIM a uranage for his troubles. Oh no, you can't do that in WOW. (DQ 3:46) McLane grabs a house mic to whip the crowd into a frenzy. "Danger, you did not win that match!" Danger argues the count again. "You did not win that match, Danger, and you should be fined, doing that to the referee." Wheels gives her a kick that takes her out to the floor...sorta. "Ladies and gentlemen, Wendi Wheels!" Danger shuffles all the papers on the commentary table...IN ANGER! McLane continues: "You stay back, Danger - stay back - that match is over--no! No! No!" Yes, Danger has McLane by the throat and we're all shouting DO IT! DO IT! Well, Marshall is saying NOT to do it, but he doesn't count? Will McLane hit Rock Bottom!? Well, three more refs come out - holy cow! They have FOUR refs? How come we've only seen ONE work all night? Or have I been interchangably calling them all by the same name tonight? Does it matter? I am *pretty* sure that it's Josh Milton - poor, poor Josh Milton - that ends up taking the uranage through the commentary table. Correct me if I'm wrong but that's the first table broken on a WOW show. "Danger's in the house! Who's house is it?" "Danger!" "Who rules the house?" "Danger!" "You remember that McLane - it's my house - my rules!" Oh oh, I think she just turned face!
COMING UP NEXT: A split screen - graphic sez: "A Battle for the Championship - Next on Women of Wrestling" My goodness! I think that shot of Terri Gold may be the first time we've seen someone WALKING! Disciplinarian, on the other hand, is content to brandish a paddle - oh wait, SHE walks out of the shot as well. Oh well.
DISCIPLINARIAN v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW World Championship - just like Dean Douglas, Disciplinarian's entrance video starts with the scratching of a blackboard. Young cherubs give us looks of terror from the playground. "From the Board of Education, the Disciplinarian!" Hey, remember when Bob Backlund presented Dean Douglas with the Board of Education? That was like FIFTEEN MINUTES before he decided to leave the WWF. Aww, she makes the youngsters cry. "Class is in session." Hey, is she gonna undo that blouse like she did the first week? No, she's gonna chat with us insetad. "Terri Gold's gymnastics is not gonna help her in the ring. She might be in shape, but we're about to learn that the mind is more powerful than the body, BECAUSE CLASS IS IN SESSION! Now sit down, shut up, and get ready for a new champion!" HEY the blouse is off! "And her opponent, the reigning WOW Champion, Terri Gold!" Your referee is Jesse Hernandez. Tieup, side headlock by Disciplinarian, stomping it in, powered out by Gold, off the ropes, Disciplinarian with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, leapfrog by Gold, monkey flip - nobody breaks an ankle. Side headlock, stomping it in, takeover, Disciplinarian to the hair for leverage, 1, 2, rolled back up. To their feet. Still stomping on the headlock. Disciplinarian - who needs a shorter name - takes her to the ropes - Gold's legs bounce off the top rope, and she backflips out - armdrag takes her down. Holding the armbar, now twisting if over, and stomping it in. Can you imagine the WOW wrestling clinic? "Now, after you turn the arm over, you must STOMP to make it look more PAINFUL." Lee Marshall calls this a pump handle, but I just can't do it. Disciplinarian with a nice one-handed cartwheel to get out of it, and now SHE'S got the...arm wringer. Stomp, stomp. Gold drops down, kicks Disciplinarian. Dropkick by Gold. Into the corner, begging the crowd to say "Terri" - not one but TWO superfluous backflips on the way to the handspring elbow. 1, 2, kickout...with authority! Into the ropes is reversed, Gold tumbles under the clothesline but eats the elbow. Disciplinarian with the splash...for 2. Into the ropes is reversed, hiplock blocked, Disciplinarian with a gutshot, another, backslide! But 2. Gold falls to a clothesline. Into the ropes, ...ummm...we'll call that a "no-hands hiplock takeover" I guess. Disciplinarian tries to cover - and gets 2. Gold kicks away the next attempt. Catapult coming up. Cartwheel for no apparent reason other than "Terri Gold is a gymnast." Into the opposite corner is reversed, Gold up and over, second rope crossbody gets...3! (3:01) "Ladies and gentlemen...continuing as champion of WOW...Terri Gold!" Marshall: "Now that's what a championship match is supposed to look like! That was a great championship match!" Me, I think it was about six minutes too short. McLane says the REAL story behind this match is on the website - get over there NOW! The closing credits roll as Gold walks back up the ramp.
Promotional consideration paid for by Tootsie candies, which I now hate, by the way - Invention Submission Corporation, and Tootsie candies...AGAIN
Stepping out of the vault is David McLane, who is awful close to getting stuck with the next Poochie nickname. He's carrying a handful of...pennies. "That should be enough for the bus fare." Can you imagine this freshly scrubbed white guy, in a tuxedo, riding on the bus? (Answer: Why not? It's Southern California!) Get excited - the cel phone's ringing! "Who could be calling this late? Hello, David McLane! Governor Jesse, how are ya? What, you're worried about your state's taxes? Well do what I do - don't pay them! Hahahahahahaha - hello? Hello? Hello? Darn cel phone..." Yeah, those Nextel phones ALWAYS cut out. ("Hey, you missed the joke again." "No...I didn't.")
The next WOW taping is Saturday 4 November!
EDITORIAL RESPONSE: Dean Rasmussen, the Dean of tilde-bang Internet commentary, weighed in with *his* view of this very episode over on the DVDVR message board. It's definitely worth a read so click over to http://deathvalleydriver.com/wwwboard/messages/15118.html.
I'll be taking the next two weekends off - look for either a guest host, or a couple of REALLY late reports. Maybe both.