/4 November 2000
Women of Wrestling
|Guest columnist: The Cubs Fan|
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #5
As you might be able to tell from that name up there, I'm not CRZ. Though, after you get done reading this recap, you'll notice that I'm really trying to be like him (plus a million commas.)
Before I get started here, I'd like to thank the two people who got me to the gig and their sites have been a pleasure to work with as long as I've been with them. Thank you Bill M.(of the wonderful DDTDigest.com) and the aforementioned CRZ (for going on semi-vacation.)
Let's start off on at a familiar place...
Quick Quote: WOWI.OB 1 1/2 (- 2) - Last week's title match wasn't THAT bad
We start already in the ring and in progress, with Selina Majors (w/crutches and leg brace) and David McLane. Selina: "And it wasn't about winning or losing a match, it wasn't the fact that they robbed me of the title in the battle royale, it was the fact that they tried to end my wrestling career." "But have you ever thought about just hanging it up and quitting?" The crowd noise machine boos here. "That's one thing I'll never do. I'll never do it, I'm not gonna quit, I'm gonna come back, and buddy, when I do come back, Thug and your gang, you better watch out, because I'm going to be your worst nightmare!"
Cue the Harley's Angels (w/pool cues). Lee Marshall acts shocked that someone would interrupt an interview segment. Some fans have crutches in the audience. McLane: "Thug and your gang, you're not supposed to be out here! EZ Rider, you stay down on the floor! Thug, you're not supposed to be in here! Charlie Davidson, you've done enough damage!" EZ: "We want Selina, the Real Deal, who ain't nothing!" "You've done enough damage to Selina-" Out to make the save (before the beating even starts) are Becky the Farmer's Daughter, Bronco Billie and Terri Gold, but we only see a split-second of that before we go to
Intro. The theme music might have been a little changed this week to make this a little longer.
On today's show, Slam Dunk, Jungle Grrl, Jade, Jane Blond, and "The Total Athlete" Roxy Powers.
Jungle Grrl vs Jade - Here's that Jungle Grrl video package, in case you forget she was from the jungle. We really should have stopped that deforestation of the Amazon rain forest if only that much is left. Jade's your Chinese stereotype, although the ring announcers says she's the "Asian Spitfire." Jungle Grrl starts with an eye rake, slow bodyslam. Picking her up by the hair, off the ropes, elbow smash. Cover, Jade kicks out after 2. Jade is kicked into the corner, kick, kick, kick, corner whip, reversed, monkey flip. Jade with a cover, but only a 2 count before Jungle Grrl pushes her off and into the ref. Jungle Grrl with a whip and a dropkick with only one foot actually connecting. Running diving headbutt by Jungle Grrl. "I haven't seen anything like that since Harley Race!" Jungle Grrl with a running headscissors that she blows and nearly cripples Jungle Grrl in the process. Jade celebrates that she actually didn't kill someone and goes for a splash but Jungle Grrl gets her knees up. Jungle Grrl with a slingshot. Corner whip, Jade jumps up and hits the second rope twisting cross body that Terri Gold used to beat Jungle Grrl. Jungle Grrl doesn't sell it, maybe absorbing the impact and rolling Jade off and yells "I don't think so." Jungle Grrl with a suplex, the announcers marking out for the power move, and she pulls Jade into the middle of the ring. Jungle going for the Jungle Splash, and it connects (2:52) Jungle Grrl grrwls at the camera after the match. Let's play that video again. They actually show a slow motion replay of the headscissors, which serves to further illustrate just how bad it was. There's the suplex, which was a little out of control itself.
You can log into WOWE.com for more info on these wrestlers.
Coming up later - well, now, we' re watching someone pouring green liquid into a shampoo bottle. McLane doesn't know what's going on. Someone's pirating the transmission. Okay, now we see Slam Dunk, she's coming up next.
Slam Dunk vs Tanja, the Warrior Woman - Slam Dunk lets some kids have her basketball - that's not very heelish of her. You know, the mountain Tanja climbs looks like it was in the background of Jungle Grrl's jungle - how very strange. Tanja does not give her sword to anyone, she just drops it on the floor, and proceeds to get booted off the apron by Slam Dunk. That's how we start the match. Slam Dunk rolls her back in, coming back in herself. Whip, big boot, delay, sell. "I am Slam Dunk!", in case you can't read the words on her jersey. Legdrop, pickup, Tanja thrown in the corner. Right, right, corner whip, reversed, Tanja runs right into a boot. Slam Dunk taunts the fans, then covers, 2 count. Headlock, but Tanja trips her up. Slam Dunk gets the headlock back after an eye rake, pushed into the ropes, Tanja misses a clothesline but hits a side kick. Cover, 2 count, Tanja gets pushed off into the referee. Push into the corner, kick to the leg, corner whip, reversed by Slam Dunk. Slam with a choke in the corner. Slam lets go at four, and argues with the ref, back to the choke, back to the ref, beal for Tanja. If I'm making this match sound interesting, it's an accident. Slam Dunk makes fun of Tanja, I make fun of this match.. Tanja, Ice Cold and Lana Starr were on a California FM station to brag about their matches today - but Ice and Lana aren't on this week's show. Slam with an airplane spin, then drops Tanja to the mat, turns her over, off the ropes, big splash. That's all. (3:25). She didn't even break a sweat - time to talk. "McLane, McLane - you penny pinching empty suit - you need to get me another WOW girl because Slam Dunk is just now warming up. Now, what do I have to do to get through to you? Maybe I should dribble him around for an hour or two? There are only four words that you and all of you (points to the crowd) need to remember about me. 'I AM A SLAM!' Alright, bring me the best you got because I will beat them, because this time, the ball is in my court. I'm out!"
Harley's Angels are hanging around an empty sound stage to promo their upcoming match. Charlie has a chair to sit on, Thug has a pool cue. EZ: "Get ready, because we're gonna beat Bronco Billie silly, and we're gonna put the Farmer's Daughter in hot water, and make Terri Gold fold. " Charlie: "Hahaha, that sounds like fun. " Thug: "I like the sound of that too. And after the match tonight, I'm going put three more notches on my pool stick. " Graphic says "Don't change the channel, and no one gets hurt. "
"The Total Athlete" Roxy Powers vs Jane Blond - Roxy Powers is like Kurt Angle, except face like. And wearing green and yellow instead of USA colors. Her video shows her training to a disco beat. Sign: "Jane Blond - License to Slam." McLane: "Maybe a reference to her wrestling Slam Dunk in the future?" Uh, sure. Circle, lockup, Roxy with a leg trip and twists the leg. Jane kicks her away. Lockup #2, headlock by Jane, Jane says "Jane Blond", takes Roxy down to the mat, Roxy rolls her over for a pinfall attempt, but Jane rolls back over at 2. McLane says that Sinbad is a big fan of Roxy Powers. I don't know if that makes her a face or heel, though. Roxy rolls her over again, Jane escapes at 2 again. Jane takes the headlock back up to standing position. Jane says something, but McLane won't shut up, so we can't tell. Roxy reverses into a hammerlock, but Jane reverses into one of her own. "Jane Blond!" Roxy with a snap mare, as the announcers talk about all the advertising that Roxy's featured on. Chinlock, but Jane escapes and puts on a hammerlock on the mat. Roxy reverses it into a headlock and tries for the cover, but Jane pulls Roxy into a leg scissors, getting herself unpinned and pinning Roxy at the same time. Roxy kicks lose at 2, and everyone gets back to their feet. Jane goes to the first rope to talk to crowd and get pumped up. She yells and charges at Roxy, and receives a drop toe hold. Roxy with a Indian Deathlock, but Jane's already under the ropes. Roxy pulls her into the middle of the ring, but gets kicked away by Jane. Now Roxy charges at Jane, and she gets immediately taken down in a Fujiwara armbar. I think I prefer this mat wrestling match over whatever that last one was. Roxy gets an arm on the ropes. Whip, dropkick, but Roxy holds the ropes. Roxy flips her over, so she's facing the lights, and Roxy flips over for a jackknife cover, but Jane bridges her up and tries for a backslide. They fight over the backslide for a bit but Jane gets it, Roxy escaping at 2. Jane slaps the mat in anger over not being able to hold down Roxy, allowing Roxy to pick her up, small package, Roxy gets a 2 count but Jane reverses, Jane gets a 2 count but Roxy reverses, and Roxy holds on this time to get the 3 count. (3:22) That wasn't so bad. Jane argues the decision, but Roxy extends the Hand of Friendship. Jane slaps the hand away and rolls out, glaring at the announcers as she walks out. Roxy celebrates anyway.
Coming up next, Riot versus Lotus.
Riot (w/bat) vs Lotus - The WOW Website lists Riot as from Illinois, which doesn't make any sense - Illinois Riot's don't usually win this much. "Introducing first, the heavy metal maniac-" Riot grabs the mic: "I am the unbeatable, the unbreakable Riot, and I don't need an introduction. And let me just tell you right now, that I am just getting started. So stick around for the slaughter! McLane, McLane, bring me another victim! Because nothing can stop the Riot." She doesn't skip a beat even as Lotus' music starts. Lotus is Korean, and forms the Asian Invasion team with Jade, which makes sense, if only because their video packages take place in the same setting. Riot's yelling at the ref, so Lotus rolls up Riot from behind to start the match. Riot kicks out and isn't happy. Grabbing Lotus by the hair, set up for the powerbomb, but Lotus escapes in between Riot's legs and hits a second rope ax handle. Cover, 2, pushed off. The smaller ref knows not to get in the way of the kickout, good for him. Riot pulls Lotus around by the hair, sets up for the powerbomb, but again Lotus escapes and goes to the second rope. Riot catches up to her this time and punches her in the stomach. Riot plucks Lotus off the top rope and on to her shoulder, slam. Yelling at the fans. McLane tells the fans to go to the website to choose who you want Terri Gold to defend the title against, but that poll isn't up there. Slingshot by Riot. Hair pull, hiptoss. Lotus: "Time out!" Riot: "Time out? TIME OUT? There's no time out!" Lotus ducks under a clothesline, but get thrown down by the hair when she tries to leave the ring. Riot covers, 2 count, Lotus is pulled up. Hair pull. Powerbomb attempt #3, and this one works. Riot covers, and it's over. (3:06) Wow, Lotus looked like the world's biggest jobber. Riot goes for the bat, but everyone rolls out in time, the ref grabbing hold of the a bat and giving it to the announcers for some reason. Jade is back out, and diving between Riot's legs before she can be powerbomb. Dropkick, but only one foot connects, so Riot doesn't sell it. Riot grabs Jade by the hair - powerbomb for Jade. Riot isn't done - loading Jade up, and here's another powerbomb. Riot wants her bat back, but when they won't give it to her, she spits at the announcers. Replays of Lotus' powerbomb - that Asian Invasion sure is a fearsome tag team.
Back on the pirated transmission, we see Lana Starr getting ready for a shower. "Mirror mirror on the wall, I'm the cutest of them all. You can travel near or far, but no one's cuter than Lana Starr. " The graphic says "Join Lana for her Shower - Next on WOW" but I don't think they really mean it.
Hey, we're are in the shower. But the closeups only focus on certain body parts - arms, feet, head, I feel so cheated. "Twinkle Twinkle Lana Starr, a babe is what you are. You're auditions are so good, you'll take over Hollywood." At least these rhymes aren't part of a witchcraft angle. "They better remember Lana's name, because she's headed straight for fame. " Lana picks up the shampoo bottle, and we see green liquid coming out. I hope you're following this convulted plot.
Julie Day talks to Danger, in front of a "Danger - Keep Out" sign. "Danger's house, Danger's rules, Julie Day. " "Um, last time we saw you, you put a ref through a table. " "And he deserved it - that's just a small measure of what I can do. I'm the weapons master, firearms, bullwhips, broadsword. You name it, I can do it, and I do it well. " "But weapons aren't at all permitted in WOW, so don't you find yourself a little bit lost because of that?" "Lost are what my opponents are. When you oppose Danger, you pay the place. My skill in bare hands are all I need. I send more people to the emergency room that hospitals are giving me a finders fee." What? "Isn't that a rather cruel attitude to take?" "Cruel attitude? You're opposing Danger, and you're going pay the price. The only thing that I see is a target on your back, Julie Day, and there's forming one right now. " "Let's get back to the action", and Julie takes off. Danger twirls her nunchucks, "I like a moving target."
P-A-T-T-I Pep vs The Disciplinarian (w/yardstick)- Patti slaps hands with the fans like a good face. McLane: "I love that beat!" Disciplinarian mocks Patti before the match. Circle, lockup, Disciplinarian with the leg trip and leg twist. Patti kicks her away and back flips for no reason. Disciplinarian back flips! Disciplinarian unties her hair, and gets a headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Disciplinarian mocks Patti some more. I think she wanted the cheerleader gimmick. Lockup, headlock by Disciplinarian. Off the ropes, over Patti, under the leapfrog and right into the monkey flip. Patti with a dropkick, and a cartwheel splash. 2 count. Arm bar, Disciplinarian cartwheels and takes control. Whip, head down too soon, Patti rolls over her and grabs her for a rollup, but Disciplinarian holds on to the ropes. Patti's clothesline misses, but she manages a cartwheel into a leg trip. Disciplinarian immediately kicks her away. Slingshot. And another one. Disciplinarian pulls her in the middle of the ring. "You should've paid attention in school!" Splash, Patti kicks out at 2, ref gets Disciplinarian's feet in his face because he's in the wrong place again. Push into the corner. Hiptoss out of the corner, and another splash for 2. Whip, reversed, hiptoss blocked and Disciplinarian turns it into backslide. Disciplinarian holds on for 3. (3:12) Disciplinarian stomps Patti afterwards - and then breaks her yardstick over Patti's back. Disciplinarian grabs Patti's pom poms and throws them on her opponent.
Back to the shower. "I knew it, I'm even cuter! Now to brush my great hair!" She takes the towel off her hair, looks in the mirror and screams. Get this - her hair is green. Shocking, I know.
Oddly enough, right after an ad for Monday's Nitro/Thunder taping (here in Chicago), there's an ad for WOW tickets. Visit Ticketmaster.com for more info.
Harley's Angels vs Bronco Billie, Becky the Farmer's Daughter and WOW Champion Terri Gold (w/Selina Majors) - EZ interrupts her own introduction. "I'm EZ Rider, that's right give me that microphone. What's up McLane? You're not gonna be able to protect these little girls! We're gonna break their legs like we did Selina! Harley's Angels in the house! Tell 'em Thug" "Everyone, you rather kiss a rattlesnake than mess with the Harley's Angels." "Tell 'em Charlie!" "And if you do decide to mess with Harley's Angels, we're gonna make roadkill out of you." "And that goes for you too, McLane, because you're nothing." That's the end of that, as the faces have hit the ring and dropkicked the Angels out of it. The faces celebrate in the ring. Angels regroup, EZ starts for them against Becky. Hairpull by EZ, whip, clothesline misses and Becky hits a cross body, 2 count, push off. Dropkick for Charlie, dropkick for EZ, Thug is pulled in, whip, reversed, Thug lifts her up but Becky dropkicks her anyway. Becky high fives her teammates, but that doesn't count as tag. Angels gather on the outside to recover, Becky to the apron - running cross body to the floor! I think that farm is actually in Mexico. Becky rolls back in and tags Billie. Charlie comes in for her side, and pushes Billie into the corner. Right, right, right, corner whip, Billie moves out of the way of the charge and hits her (not good looking) bulldog. Cover, 2 count, pushed off. Whip, reversed, clothesline misses, Billie tries a crucifix rollup, Charlie holds on to her and drops backwards for the Samoan Drop, Billie rolls her over to a pinning position anyway, but Charlie's in the ropes. Charlie pulls her up, body slam. Pulling her by the hair, tag to Thug. As Becky and Terri try to help their teammate and distract the ref, Thug hangs Billie in the Tree of Woe and the triple team beatdown commences. Billie gets yanked from the top rope as we go to break. "Touch That Dial and You're Next!"
Billie's still in the Angel's corner, with Thug dropping Billie over EZ's knee. EZ stays in, with shots to Billie's back. McLane: "Every which way, she's getting it today." Billie escapes through EZ's legs, and makes the tag to Terri Gold. Cartwheel for no reason, whip, elbow for EZ, monkey flip for Charlie, Thug is pulled in again. Everyone in now, and the Angels get whipped into each other in the middle of the ring. Charlie and EZ roll out, bringing Becky and Billie with them. Thug with a nice chokeslam for Terri Gold back in the ring. Running splash and cover. That could be it, but the ref is too busy breaking up the EZ/Billie fight to notice. Selina is in - crutch shot to Thug's back! Terri's up - springboard moonsault off the second rope! It was nice, but it'd be nicer if it made contact. A camera cuts disguises that, and that's good enough for this match - Terri gets 3. (4:34 shown) McLane has never seen anything like that move. We watch replays of Terri going up, and outline her arc, but don't actually show the impact. Back to live action, where Charlie and EZ are beating down Selina, particularly that bad leg. Stomp, stomp, Thug's joins in with a crutch. What happened to everyone else here? Selina tries to get away, but Thug hits a swinging shot to the midsection. Here's one to the leg - and we're out of TV time.
McLane is coming out of his storage room again. Maybe it's a closet. "I've been playing with these since I've been a kid - I thought I lost these years ago. " Surprisingly, his phone rings. "Hello, David McLane. Hillary! No, Bill's not here! What? You want to join WOW? What's your background? Politics? That's even too dirty for Caged Heat to get involved in! Hahahaha-Hello? Hello? Hillary? Hello? Hello?"The Cubs Fan
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