/4 November 2000
Women of Wrestling
|Guest columnist: Clint Wolf|
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #5 - SUBSTITUTE RECAP
(Don't worry, I'll still do one - it'll be up late next week along with a late #6 - CRZ)
Well, with CRZ in New York and Rasmussen missing half of this week's televised program, it's up to someone to bring you the recap of the wrestling world's newest guilty pleasure. That someone shall be me.
Women of Wrestling TV Show 11/4
We open with a flashback(?) segment of McLane interviewing Selina Majors in the ring. I have no idea which show this is flashing back to, but Selina has a huge cast on her leg and is rather upset about Thug, so it must be post-hospital. Selina assures us in her darlin' accent that "I'm not gonna kwee-ut!" and when she returns to the ring she's going to be the Harley's Angels worst nightmare.
The White Trash Patrol out on cue, of course... and each holding a cue (Pool, that is. Cue balls... Corner Pockets...). They enter the ring despite McLane's protests and I can't decide which holds more wood, the gang or McLane's delivery. E.Z. Rider sez they want Selina Majors, but fortunately for truth and justice Beckie the Farmer's Daughter, Bronco Billie, and (World Champion) Terri Gold are out to make the save.
Sublimin-arific WOW opening credits. If you're prone to epilepsy don't watch 'em... you have been warned!
Tonight Slam Dunk is in action! Also Jungle Grrrl, the debut of Jade, Jane Blond, and (I quote McLane exactly) "The Total Athlete, Today, Roxy Powers"-- does this mean tomorrow she'll need another gimmick?
Jimina Snuka vs. Jade - Jungle Grrl out looking fierce. Nice hop to the turnbuckle and hop off again. Snarl for the camera! Looks like she's gonna follow in Superfly's barefoot wrestling tradition, too... hope she's got resilient tootsies. Jade's video shows she knows kung fu stuff, just like any good Asian wrestler! The video also lets us know it's Jade(tm), so if you've got any of the green gemstone in question rename it now. Jade with a funky little pseudo-Chinese silk dress, although just a *tad* more highly cut than the homeland's. Jungle Grrrl wastes no time establishing her heel-itude with an eye rake... kitten's got claws! Holding her up and turning around so everyone gets a nice view of just how short the dress is-- bodyslam! Pickup, rope-age and an alleged elbowsmash takes Jade down, cover for 2. Push to the corner and JG deals out a few kicks, at least one of which looks like it might have hurt. Whip to opposite corner, reversed, Jade over for a nice monkeyflip but not even a one count on the cover. Both up and Grrrl dropkicks Jade down, hits the ropes, falling headbutt! McLane: "I haven't seen anything like that since Harley Race!" Is he TRYING to appear out of the loop? Grrrl sending Jade to the ropes and catching her again for a passable enough flying headscissors (give 'em a break, at least it wasn't a(nother) freaking slingshot, right?) Jade poses a bit, then splashes but Grrrl gets the knees up. Did I mention Slingshots? Here's our first of the night as JG catapults Jade across the ring. They use this move so often IT should have the (tm). Whip to the opposite corner and Jade with the Terri Gold now-I-shall-surprise-you-with-my-springboard-bodypress move! Grrrl however, as we know, has that long history with Terri Gold though and thus is ready for the move, tossing Jade off with a contemptuous no sell-- "I don't think so!". Okay, no one really mentioned the Terri Gold connection, but that's why I am here for YOU, preserving continuity! Vertical suplex with some very nice height to it. McLane: "Have you ever seen *anything* like that, Lee?" Marshall: "I'll tell ya -- not from women." You go, Lee! Rope in that hyperbole! Grrrl is up top now and clawing the air, guess that means it's time for a Superflyette Splash! 3 count and it's all over except for some more snarling at the camera... yes, yes, very fierce-- now back in the cage until next time. Replays of the flying headscissors and another angle on the suplex, showing how Jade almost breaks her leg when she loosens up a bit soon... eek.
Video footage close up as unknown hands put green dye into someone's shampoo. McLane: "Why is the cameraman in one of the dressing rooms?" Isn't the proper question 'Why is the cameraman ever not in one of the dressing rooms?' Cut to Slam Dunk lacing her boots and then doing her best to look sultry in a basketball outfit.
Commercial for Benny Hill videos. Anytime someone claims the British are more sophisticated, be sure to bring up Benny.
Slam Dunk vs. (NOT Xena but) Tanja, Warrior Woman - All Slam Dunk's video needs are those colored gatorade sweat drops. Dunk hands off her basketball to a kiddie at ringside, blurring the line between good and evil. Stepping over the top rope... 6'3" you say? DAMN. Tanja (apparently pronounced Ton-juh) has an entrance that shows her running and posing in the rugged hills of Southern California. Well, I guess both places have Mediterranean climates. Tanja has a cape and a BIG sword, although it's quite obviously plastic... Xena "Yiyiyiyi!" yell given although we can't hear it over the music. Slam Dunk kicks(?) Tanja off the apron before she can climb in... the cad! Dunk outside, rolls Tanja in, goes back in. What was the point of that, just to let Dunk step over the top rope a few more times? Ah well. Whip to the ropes and a big boot with a bad edit cut. She is SLAM... DUNK! (okay!) Dunk with a YAAAAAAAAH Legdrop, paying subtle tribute to Prince Albert. Push to the corner and some decent enough punches, whip to other corner is reversed, but Dunk gets the boot up and sends Tanja FLYING (nice sell!). Dunk representin' with the 'tude, but the cocky cover only gets two. Dunk pulling Tanja up, and yes ladies and gentlemen it's our first stomphold of the show as the headlock is applied! Tanja takes Dunk down by the leg, picks her up and Dunk somehow gets her headlocked again... push off before the stomps can commence, and Tanja with a spinning heel kick that whacks Dunk right in the Double 0's - ouch! Cover for 2, kickout. Tanja pushes Dunk to the corner and makes some (alleged) kicks to the thigh. Whip to the other corner is reversed, Dunk with the boot choke! Useless referee count nets a little trash talk from Her Dunkness... then right back to the choke. The stomping apparently makes it hurt more, of course. More trash for the ref and a belly bump backing him up... I'd say in the belly area the ref has Dunk waaaaaaay outclassed, but that's just me. Dunk taking Tanja out of the corner by the hair, now boot on the throat on the floor. And here comes the airplane spin and........... and.......... (any day now)... ah the slam! Follow up splash looks *much* better and that'll be three, y'all. Dunk is on the mic for some insults to McLane (always a plus for me) and catchphrase fishing. She am... she slam... she out.
Harley's Angels promo. They'll beat Bronco Billie silly, put the farmer's daughter in hot water, and make Terri Gold fold. Guess we'll be seeing some six girl action tonight! (lord, that sounds wrong) Caption says "Don't Change The Channel And No One Gets Hurt". Well, I must say it'll be pretty boring if no one gets hurt!
Alex Trebek shills for Phonics. Your kid too can be a future Jeopardy contestant!
Roxy Powers vs. Jane Blond - Roxy has the wakkachikka 70's music going and a video clip to match. Can't decide what era her hair belongs to, but I don't think it's this one. I admit to getting a big kick out of Jane Blond's entrance video, and the catsuit ain't bad either. If you hate her for having a stupid gimmick, then you're taking pro wrestling *far* too seriously. Pose on the entranceway is... stirring. As is the look over the glasses at the camera. "Jane Blond: Licensed to Slam" is an obviously planted sign, but I laugh anyhow. Long live cheese! Lockup, takedown by Roxy to a stomp-toehold. Blond kicks her off and retaliates with a stomp-headlock and a shrill attempt at an English accent. Nice headlock takeover... Roxy shifts it and the ref counts two, but I'm too busy watching JB kick her licensed to thrill legs. Another sequence of same, then up once again to the stomp-headlock-- I can't understand a word Blond is screaming, but it's probably better that way. Ooh, Roxy with a counter to an stomping-inverted chickenwing, then Jane switching to a stomping-non-inverted chickenwing that takes Roxy to her knees. Roxy throwing her over to a chinlock, Jane reversing it to a hammerlock. You know, take away all the stomping and this is a darn decent technical sequence. Roxy pulls Blond over into a chinlock again-- headscissors counter by Blond (nice!) makes me rather jealous of Roxy's position. Roxy kicks her legs and escapes, both women up and Jane telling the audience "I have a license to--(can't hear the last)" Slam? Heh. You can see the drop toehold coming a mile off as Jane charges recklessly forwards. Roxy with some sort of crossover leghold... I'm not sure how it's supposed to hurt, but apparently it hurts enough that Blond can't concentrate enough to grab the ropes hovering inches before her face, until Roxy drags her to the center and it's too late. To his credit, Marshall actually comments on this instead of covering for it. Jane kicks off the Slingshot attempt which means we'll have to suffer through one less tonight. Both women up, and Roxy charges into a *beautiful* takedown by Jane Blond into a fujiwara armbar! They're again very close to the ropes and this time Roxy thinks to grab them right away with her free arm, earning the break. Blond pulls her up and sends her to the ropes, but Roxy holds on and allows Jane to experience the full power of the wrestling paradox known as the Missed Dropkick. Roxy holds the legs and flips over for the pin, but Jane bridges up, and God Save the Queen for that camera angle! Subsequent duel for the backslide would have Rasmussen's restraining order scale expanding exponentially (but sucka missed this match!). Blond wins out but only gets two, Roxy up and hooks her, posing for a... small package?! PLEASE tell me that's not supposed to be her finisher. 2 count, Blond reverses, 2 count, Roxy re-reverses and that's 3. Post-match, Blond slaps away Roxy's offered handshake, so I guess she's not a nice secret agent after all. All in all not a bad little match, and the crowd was actually into it-- which is more than you could say for your average tech-style match in the WWF. Up next, Riot vs. Lotus!
Commercials, including Cleo the Voodoo Tarot Lady who will tell your future! Almost seems like a McLane gimmick...
Riot (mmm... Riot) vs. Lotus - Riot's out and bringin' back the Chicago Fire! All thought of Jane Blond's catsuit are obliterated as the Vixen of Violence struts her way down to ringside, then blows up the car (and many a male mind) with a well timed hip thrust. Snatching the mic from the announcer, and never have so many red blooded American lads wished they were a Louisville Slugger. "I am the UNBEATABLE... the UNBREAKABLE... Riot. And I don't need an introduction! And let me tell you right now, that I am just... getting... started! So stick around for the slaughter! McLane? McLane! (seems that you've always gotta say his name twice) Bring me... another... victim! Because nothing can stop the Riot!" She looked RIGHT AT ME! Well, me and all the other TV viewers. Lotus' music cuts in over the last part of Riot's speech, ensuring a beatdown of epic proportions... then she compounds her error by interrupting Riot's polite conference with the ref with a roll-up. Two count, and Riot kicks out, continuing her bat debate with the ref as if nothing happened (heh!). Riot decides to end things quickly with the best powerbomb in the biz but Lotus puppy crawls out the back door and hits a kinda-sorta double axhandle from the turnbuckles. 2 count and Riot throws her off, bringing her up and hauling her around by her cute lil' hairdo. Powerbomb teased again (teased, I say!), Lotus escaping to the turnbuckle but Riot ain't havin' none of that this time and slugs her in the tummy, then slings her over her shoulder and delivers a spanking to Lotus' little yellow panties. "Whaddaya want me to do to her, huh?!" I'd guess that most of the male audience (and hell, let's not leave out the Lesbians) is /just/ fine with what you're doing right now. Big bodyslam, and Riot mocking with "crybaby" motions, eliciting boos from those ignorant fans who don't understand the pain and plight of my fine inner-city waif. Subsequent slingshot is forgiven because Riot rules, and I never claimed this recap was unbiased. Hairgrab takeover slams Lotud back across the ring, Riot pausing to show us all what hard work it is throwing girls half her size around (*snicker*). Lotus calling for a time out? Well, hell, if Slam Dunk can hand out souveniers, why not...? This is Y2K and it's all shades of gray! Lotus scampers about seeking escape but is caught and slammed back in, Riot covering for 2 then pulls her up-- again forgiven because it's Riot and I dig her no-no-no finger wag. Lotus' head between the thighs and several nice shots of "South Korea" as Riot calls for the audience to decide her foe's fate. Caesar hast spoken, and McLane and Marshall are still stupidly jabbering "What could this be?!" when Riot's already done this move at least two or three times-- BOOM! Subsequent cover has Lotus' right shoulder blatantly off the mat, but it's academic I suppose. Riot with the 3 count and seeking her bat, likely hoping to take up her discussion with the ref again on the place of foreign objects in wrestling. But she misses, and the nasty ol' ref takes it away, laying it before McLane with a lot of complaint pantomime. Now Jade is out and has a dropkick for Riot, and yes! Ladies and germs, our first official "Monster Heel No Sell"! Riot with the slinky throat cut motion (mmm...), and Jade placed in that oh-so enviable between the thighs setup-- BOOM! And "One... more... time!" McLane having a fit to rival Jim Ross as Jade undergoes a second planting. Riot asking for her bat but the mean men won't give it to her, so she gives them a big loogie in return. I catch myself wondering if I would wash if hit by it, then pondering if it's time to back off on the obsession a little. Various replays of the Powerbomb-o-rama, to Riot's delight.
Lana Star is (to quote Stone Cold) sayin' her damn nursery rhymes to a mirror. Coming up next, Lana's shower! Say, you don't suppose...
After commercials, Lana's in the shower, singing and apparently quite aware of the camera. Of course, I could actually see this character capable of filming herself, so it's not *totally* far fetched. Look, just *go* with it, okay? Oh dear, there's that green dye running down the drain and Lana seems none the wiser! Dastardly!
Julie Day prepares to once again vie with Lillian Garcia for the coveted "Worst Interviewer In Wrestling" title, but her interview is with Danger so that peps things up a bit. And speaking of Pep...
Patti Pep vs. The Disciplinarian - Yes, folks, it's Cheerleader vs. Naughty Teacher in perhaps the fetish dream match of the Century! Disciplinarian's video shows us that she layeth the smacketh down upon small children-- how about other wrestlers? On the other hand, she's got a hell of a sneer, and I dig the "screaming kids" music. Oooh, she mocks the Pep right off. Lockup, nice takedown by TD to a stomp-toehold. Patti kicks her off and backflips-- Teach with a kip up and backflip of her own, and now letting her hair down and shaking it out, which is just *not* *fair* to the male viewers still recovering from earlier bouts of shorts wrestling. Stomp-headlock, pushoff to the ropes and an (alleged) shoulderblock. TD taunting again, and another stomp-headlock applied, pushoff and a monkey flip by PeePee. Dropkick followed by a Cartwheeling Thunder Splash (well, what do *you* call it?), only a 2 count. Stomp-armwringer applied by Patti, TD with her neat one-handed cartwheel move to reverse it. The ropes sequence that follows would look decent if it were faster, but alas even the editing can't make up for the lack of velocity. Disciplinarian gets the upper hand and performs not one but two slingshots, just in case the count was getting low. Splash for 2. Patti pushed into the corner and admonished her loose sorority house ways-- hairgrab takeover to the center, another splash for 2. Both up, whip to ropes, hiptoss attempt blocked and TD with a backslide that gets the 3-count. Postmatch she puts the boots to Patti, then nearly puts out her own eye breaking her yardstick over the Pep's back. Sort of a bleah match, but Disciplinarian looks wonderfully slutty as she exits the ring so I can't help feeling hot for teacher.
Backstage, Lana Star at last discovers that her beautiful hair has been the victim of insidious sabotage. Classic cartoony montage as she screams while the shot pulls out to the dressing room, the Forum, L.A., and the Earth itself.
Commercials, including one for tickets to the WOW events. Next taping, Nov. 17th! Call Ticketmaster at 213-480-3232!
Harley's Angels (Thug, EZ Rider, and Charlie Davidson) vs. Beckie the Farmer's Daughter, Double B Bronco Billie and (WOW Champion) Terri Gold - Here come the bad biker babes... and the not-quite-babeish-but-still-bad Thug. Announcer doesn't want to give EZ the mic, then looks pissed when she takes it anyway. At the tapings Saturday she was still there and he wasn't, so I'd guess she won. EZ Rider wants us to know that Harley's Angels are in the house and ready to break some more legs. Thug sez that we'd rather kiss a rattlesnake than mess with the Harley's Angels, and points to her tattoo in case we think she meant Stone Cold. Charlie promises to make roadkill of opponents, but once again the good gals are down the ramp to dropkick 'em from behind while they blather... you'd think they'd have learned their lesson from the opening clip! Everyone to their corners with Beckie and EZ to start off, and damn Beckie is a cutie-- I almost feel guilty for having dirty thought about her. Lockup and a pigtail pull leads to one of the few ropes sequences with some decent velocity-- Beckie with a body press for one and a-half or so (ref sez two). NICE dropkick meets Charlie as she tries to come in, and another one puts EZ out of the ring... now Beckie over to bring Thug in over the ropes the hard way. Irish whip is reversed but Beckie gets her feet up in Thug's gut and sends her to the outside. Angels regrouping at ringside as Beckie climbs out onto the apron, and SHEE-YIT we got ourselves a running plancha onto all THREE Trashettes, taking them out! Farmer's Daughter is HARDCORE, which is a phrase I would never have expected to write in sincerity. Beckie tags Double B and climbs out with a kiss and a wink for us at home. Charlie Davidson in for the Trailer Park Three, pushing Billie to the corner for some (alleged) punches. Whip to the opposite corner but the double axehandle finds nothing but turnbuckle as BB skedaddles. Billie with a headlock and a NASTY looking bulldog where she actually holds on and snaps the neck instead of just planting the face. Cover for 2... both ladies up and Billie hits the ropes, swinging up for a Crucifix pin attempt-- but CD counters with a Samoan Drop(?) Maybe not as Billie no-sells it and rolls her shoulders over for a 1 count. Charlie's arm apparently hurts, but it doesn't stop her from bodyslamming BB down. Tag to Thug and BB is fruit for the Tree of Woe and some Thuggish thighs to the midsection. Good girls in but of course cut off by the ref, allowing the triple team behind his back-- the man must be GAY to be able to resist Beckie's pouting. And here comes the mid-action commercial break as the Angel's are indeed beating Bronco Billie silly-- "Touch That Dial And You're Next!"
We return to find BB up in a fireman's carry on Thug's shoulders while EZ is kneeling before her-- stop thinking those thoughts-- ooh, Gutbuster across EZ's knee! EZ pounds on Billie's back as the ref finally puts the other two out. BB dives through the legs and manages the tag to Terri, who cartwheels in as EZ is still making with the "Which way did she go?" act. Whip to the ropes and I almost buy the follow-up elbowsmash. Charlie in and monkeyflipped for her troubles, then Thug *again* pulled in the hard way. Now all three faces are in with a heel each in their corner... and here it comes - BIG 3-way train (trailer?) wreck in the middle! Ha! EZ and CD to the outside and pulling Beckie and BB with them. Terri whips thug to the corner, it's reversed and here's Terri with the aforementioned now-I-shall-surprise-you-with-my-springboard-bodypress move. Thug shows she's the smartest woman in wrestling tonight, by catching Terri and collaring her around the throat. Holy Crap, HUGE chokeslam by Thug! Followed up with the splash, but the ref is on the outside trying to break up the fights there... and here's Selina Majors out with her crutch to crack it over Thug's back! Selina quickly out of the ring, and Terri taking advantage to hit a nicely arced springboard moonsault, although it would be nicer if it wasn't so clear that only her feet are going to actually connect with any part of Thug. Editing saves it from being a total loss, and here's the ref in to count three for the good gals. Rather than cutting their losses on the moonsault we get two slo-mo replays of it, although they add in an "on-screen marker" effect to the second that amuses me enough it doesn't matter. Apparently the good girls have repaid their saviour by leaving her to the wolves... they're nowhere to be found as the bad girls have gotten ahold of Selina and are proceeding to kick the living crap out of Miss Majors as the feed ends.
I refuse to recap the cellphone segment. Far as I'm concerned the show ends here. There's cheese, and there's Limburger...
Overall, I liked last week's show and I like this one, too. Yes, it's not a polished product and not likely to be for awhile yet, but for a group of ladies that started wrestling training in June it ain't bad, it shows bright spots, and it'll hopefully keep improving. Probably the two biggest things WOW needs to work on is its in-ring motion and the in-ring brawling, but the ropes sequences should improve with confidence... and there is one plus to the lack of good looking punches and kicks-- I mean, how many "Right-right-right" sequences do you see in the average CRZ WWF recap? A LOT.
Give it time, and appreciate the occasional bits of awesomeness that spring forth. Having seen the upcoming tapings I can tell you a lot more (alleged) brawling and slingshots are on the way, but there's also some rather awesome spots and moves you don't get to see much in wrestling anymore. And of course, it doesn't hurt that most of the roster is very, very easy on the masculine eyes.
Righto, that's enough soapbox. If you have any suggestions for WOW wrestlers or the organization they have an official chatboard at http://www.wowe.com where the actual ladies will see and even reply to messages. Be prepared to wade through a lot of nonsense, but if you have ideas for improving the product they certainly encourage the fans to let them know!
I am. I spam. I'm out.