/4 November 2000
Women of Wrestling
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #5
QUICK QUOTE: 1 1/2 (- 2) - owch - so much for that reverse stock split plan
No setup, we go straight to DAVID McLANE talking to SELINA MAJORS in the ring. "And it wasn't about winnin' or losin' a match, it wasn't the fact that they robbed me of the title in the battle royal - it was the fact that they tried to end my wrestling career." (cut?) "But have you ever thought about just hanging it up and quitting?" "That's one thing I'll never do. I'm not gonna quit. I'm gonna come back and buddy when I do come back, Thug and your gang, you better watch out, because I'm gonna be your worst nightmare." Well here come HARLEY'S ANGELS, all three with pool cues - we now see that Majors still has quite a wrap on her right leg and is on crutches. "Thug and your gang, you're not supposed to be out here. EZ Rider, you stay down on that floor. Thug, you're not supposed to be in here. Charlie Davidson, you've done enough damage." Rider: "We want Selina, the Real Deal, who ain't nothin'!" "You've done enough damage to Selina--" Rider keeps talking but the sound isn't there... TERRI GOLD, BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER and BRONCO BILLIE all hit the ring, but this was apparently so embarrassing looking that they decide to cut off what happens next and roll straight into the
TONIGHT: Slam Dunk! Jungle Grrrl! Jade! Jane Blond! And Roxy Powers!
Without a better chance to slip it in, let me say here that this is Women of Wrestling Episode 5, coming to you via extreme tape delay from the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA and airing in most markets the weekend of 4 November 2K (taped 7.10?)
JUNGLE GRRRL v. JADE - As near as I can tell, this ring announcer still doesn't have a name...but he *is* polite enough to let them have their entire entrance (including waiting for the music to end) before speaking. The only problem is, with no commentary, this is a BIG dead space. "Introducing first, from the Amazon rain forest, Jungle Grrrl!" Jade is an Oriental martial artist, I guess. WOW there's some boomy bass in the audio mix on tonight's show. "Her opponent: the Asian Spitfire, Jade!" Grrrl rakes the face to start. Scoop...and a slam. Into the ropes, Jade ducks the clothesline...but not the back elbow. Cover gets 1. Grrrl puts her in the ropes, kick, kick, kick, McLane calls them "boots to the midsection" BUT SHE'S BAREFOOT, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Jade climbs to the second rope - monkey flips her back to the centre! I don't even think that was one from referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez. Into the ropes by Grrrl, dropkick, dropped headbutt off the ropes (McLane: "I haven't seen anything like that since Harley Race!"), into the ropes again, up...but Jade hits a flying headscissors out - yikes, Grrrl landing on her head in the process. Jade tries a splash, but hits the knees. Here comes the WOW CATAPULT! Grrrl picks her up - whip into the corner, but she springs off the second rope with a crossbody - Grrrl immeditaely kicks out. "I don't think so!" Got Jade by the hair - here comes a vertical suplex. Jade has quite the wedgie...oh sorry. Grrrl going up top - this is a top-rope splash...and that is a pin. (2:53) Replay of Jade's flying headscissors, Grrrl's ugly suplex (Jade couldn't keep her legs together), and Grrrl's splash.
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Using ECW style static, we cut fade to a pair of hands putting some green stuff in a bottle of...something else? McLane wants to know why a cameraman was in the ladies' restroom - why do you THINK?
Slam Dunk is lacing up! She's NEXT!
SLAM DUNK v. TANJA THE WARRIOR WOMAN - I've finally placed Slam Dunk's music - wasn't it on one of those Taebo tapes? Dunk bounces her basketball to a fan - that was nice of her, but aren't those things *expensive?* "Introducing first, the six-foot-three basketball POWER forward, Slam Dunk!" I have a funny feeling that the location of Tanja's entrance video and the location of Jungle Grrrl's may be shockingly close in proximity if we were to ever find out - of course, there's no trees in Tanja's, so it must be higher up... "And her opponent: Tanja, Warrior Woman!" Dunk doesn't want to wait - there's a big boot to keep her from coming in. Dunk out on the floor - and rolling her in. Into the ropes, another big boot - delayed reaction by Tanja before falling back. "I am Slam Dunk!" Thanks, I wasn't sure! There's a legdrop. Into the corner, punch in the gut, punch, into the opposite corner is reversed...but Tanja again runs into a big boot. Dunk's offense appears limited. Arrogant cover - 1, 2, Tanja kicks out. Side headlock, Dunk is stamping to let you know she's really grinding it in there, yeah, Tanja manages a leg sweep. But when she picks her up, Dunk again manages a side headlock. Powered out into the ropes, Dunk ducks a clothesline, but not a spin kick - Tanja gets 2. In the corner, kick by Tanja, kick, kick - kicking her thigh - ah, to counter the deadly big boot! Into the opposite corner, reversal - Dunk stands on the neck - then stamps the mat to make it seem worse. Referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez warns her but she doesn't seem to be listening. Back to standing on the neck - another 4 count from Hernandez. She just BUMPED him! And that wasn't easy! Hiptoss (yikes) out of the corner - NO elevation. Dunk plays to the crowd while McLane says that she, Ice Cold and Lana Star were on KJLH in Los Angeles this morning - anybody catch that? Again Dunk backs up the referee. Tanja put across her back - helicopter spin (2 revs) and slammed. Off the ropes, big splash - 1, 2, 3. (3:26) As if that wasn't enough, she has the mic. "McLane! McLane...you penny-pinchin' empty suit. You need to get me another WOW girl 'cause Slam Dunk is just now warmin' up. Now, what do I have to do to get through to you? I know. Maybe I should dribble him around for an hour or two! There's only four words you - and all of you - need to remember about me. I am...I slam! All right? Bring me the best you got, because I will beat them, because this time, the ball is in MY court - I'm out."
Here's a look at Thug and EZ Rider - is Thug giving her pool cue a hand job? Yow! Rider: "Get ready, 'cause we're gonna beat Bronco Billie silly, and we're gonna put the Farmer's Daughter in hot water, and we're gonna make Terri Gold fold!" Oh, Charlie Davidson is, like, sitting in a sofa just out of the picture. "Hahaha! That sounds like fun!" Then she makes the sign of the goat and licks it - this team is SCARY! Thug: "I like the sound of that, too - and after the match toinght, I'm gonna put three more notches on mah pool stick."
ROXY POWERS v. JANE BLOND - Roxy Powers looks like Freddie from "A Different World," except more blond and more muscular. "Introducing first, the total athlete, Roxy Powers!" Her video shows her jumping rope with a chain - *you* explain it to *me* - and her music reminds me of the Steiner's theme in the WWF (or Alex Porteau's, if you prefer). "Her opponent: from Her Majesty's Secret Service, Jane Blond!" Lockup, leg sweep by Powers, grabs a leg and cranks back on it - with mat stamping for effect - Blond kicks her away. Now to the side headlock (with stamps) by Blond, hiplock takeover for ...no, Powers rolls it for a near fall, Blond rolls back. Powers is a closer personal friend of Sinbad, by the way. Powers rolls it again, but Blong gets back up - STILL holding that side headlock, stamping a bit more...Powers reverses to a chickenwing - and SHE stamps. Blond reverses to a hammerlock (and stamps) - Powers with a side headlock takeover to break it. Powers to a headlock - Blond slips out and goes to a hammerlock - Powers manages to grab her into ANOTHER headlock takeover, Blond with a head scissors, Powers kicks out. All these submission holds are making me dizzy! Blond runs into the drop toehold - oops. Roxy crosses Blond's legs and pulls back - Blond goes for a rope but Powers pulls her back...but Blond kicks her away! Powers runs into an armbar takedown - Blond holds it until Powers grabs the rope. Blond puts Powers into the ropes - nobody home on the dropkick attempt! Powers has the legs - rolls over - 1, no, Blond bridges out - dueling backslides - who will get it? Blond getes it! 1, no, Powers rolls backwards. Powers has her in a small package - Blond reverses at 2 - Powers reverses back at 2 - and gets 3! (3:22) Well, that was a lot different from what we've seen these first four weeks. Powers offers the Hand of Friendship - Blond slaps it rather angrily and storms off in a huff.
COMING UP NEXT: Riot vs. Lotus!
RIOT v. LOTUS (go figure!) - "Introducing first, the Heavy Metal Maniac--" "I am the unbeatable - the unbreakable Riot and I don't need an introduction, and let me just tell you right now that I am just getting started! So stick around for the slaughter - McLane, McLane - bring me another victim. Because nothing can stop the Riot!" Lotus is like Jade, except she wears yellow - well, that's oversimplification, but the entrance videos are shockingly similar - which could have something to do with the fact that both Lotus and Jade are members of the Asian Invasion. "Her opponent: the Exotic Asian Flower Lotus!" Lotus decides to try a sneaky rollup - and gets 2! NOW we get the opening bell. Riot grabs the hair - head between the legs - but Lotus drops down and goes under her - second rope - axe handle in the back! Leg is hooked - kickout at 1. Got her by the hair again - Riot has her head between her legs - Lotus slips through (didn't I just SEE this?) and heads for the second rope - Riot punches her this time, though, scoops her off and holds her on her shoulder for a while - allowing us to view Lotus' wedgie - is she *spanking* her? ...and a slam. After an eternity, Riot hits the WOW CATAPULT! Lotus gets dragged around by her hair...here comes a combination hiptoss/hair beal. Lotus wants time out? Good luck. Riot's clothesline misses...but Riot manages to bounce her off the ropes anyway - 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP! Riot used to be a dominatrix, right? Again she has her by the hair...head between the legs a *third* time...and this time, Lotus isn't getting away - it's a powerbomb. 1, 2, 3. (3:01) Riot takes her bat - and misses once again. Referee "Blind" Josh Milton manages to confiscate the bat...and hands it to McLane. Here comes JADE - through the legs, off the ropes, dropkick has absolutely NO effect. Riot grabs *her* hair - looks like Jade is going to get a powerbomb as well - but not before we get another look at Jade's wedgie - POWERBOMB! Riot folds her up and whispers sweet nothings in her ear. NOT ANOTHER POWERBOMB! McLane screams like a woman here. I think Riot wants her bat back - and she SPITS on McLane! WHOA! Replays of the powerbombs.
With some ECW static, we head to the bathroom - "Mirror, mirror on the wall / I'm the cutest of them all / You can travel near and far / But no one's cuter than Lana Star!" Graphic says: "Join Lana for her Shower Next on WOW!" Ummm...ALLLLLL RIGHT!
Oh, man, what a GYP. About fifteen camera angles, but nothing but fixtures, hands, head and feet. (I guess to the guys who are into foot fetishes, this is heaven, but unfortunately, I'm not one of them.) Lana sings: "Twinkle, twinkle Lana Star / A babe is what you are / Your auditions are so good / You'll take over Hollywood / They better remember Lana's name / 'cause she's headed straight for fame." Geez, there isn't even a good METER to that. Anyway, she goes for the bottle we'd earlier seen filled...actually, it looks more like someone's directly pouring green stuff onto the floor, but we're to believe that she's shampooing up. McLane, meanwhile, wants to know why we're watching THIS instead of something that *doesn't* feature nekkid chicks and therefore would get lower ratings...well, maybe he's not thinking THAT way, but from the way he's talking, *I* am...
"This is JULIE DAY here. I'm here waiting for one of the most controversial Women of Wrestling, Danger." "Danger's house...Danger's rules, Julie Day." "Umm, last time we saw you, you put a ref through a table." "And he deserved it. That's just a small sample of what I can do. I'm the weapons master - firearms, bullwhip, broadsword, you name it, I do it, and I do it well." "But weapons aren't at all permitted in WOW, so don't you find yourself a little bit lost because of that?" "Lost is what my opponents are. When you oppose Danger you pay the price - my skill and bare hands are all I need. I sent more people to the emergency room then hospitals are giving me a finder's fee!" "Isn't that a rather cruel attitude to take?" "Cruel attitude? You're oppposing Danger, and you're gonna pay the price! The only thing I see is a target on your back, Julie Day. There's one formin' right now." "Haha - Let's get back to the action..." "Good. I love a moving target..."
P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PEP PATTI PEP v. DISCIPLINARIAN - "Introducing first, the high-flying cheerleader and one half of Team Spirit, it's Patti Pep!" It could be just me, but seeing THOMAS GRIFFIN make the announcement, the complete lack of a crowd along the sides of the entrance ramp along with a DRASTIC change in lighting makes me think that maybe, just MAYBE, this match is from an entirely different (earlier) taping. "Her opponent, from the Board of Education, the Disciplinarian!" Lockup, big ol' leg sweep by Disciplinarian (but unfortunately they switch camera angles before we can hit the ol' upskirt view) and it looks like she's going for a toehold..as well as stamping on the mat to make sure we understand that this is a painful hold. Still, it doesn't stop Pep from kicking her away, superfluous backflip up as Disciplinarian kips up...then does a backflip of her own just to be mocking about it. And now she's TAKING HER HAIR DOWN! Lockup, side headlock by Disciplinarian, being sure to stamp the mat...Pep powers out, only to eat a shoulderblock. Disciplinarian mocks Patti Pep (ha!). Lockup, side headlock again, powered out again, Disciplinarian up and over, leapfrog by Pep, monkey flip by Pep! Dropkick! Unnecessary cartwheel press gets 2. Arm wringer by Pep, stamp, stamp, stamp, Disciplinarian cartwheels into an arm wringer of her own, SHE stamps, SHE says "yeah!" just like Patti, into the ropes, head down, Patti stops, does a r-e-a-l-l-y slow 180 and goes back to back over Disciplinarian - waistlock forward to the ropes - Disciplinarian bumps her back but she rolls through - ducks a clothesline, cartwheel, leg sweep...but Disciplinarian kicks her away. Here it comes - THE WOW CATAPULT!! I think she's going for a second one - and hits a SECOND WOW CATAPULT!! Dragging her to the centre, scolding her, big splash - 1, 2, kickout. Shoved into the corner, more scolding, hiplock (sorta) out. ANOTHER big splash - 1, 2, Pep kicks out. Into the ropes, reversed, hiplock blocked, blocked again, Disciplinarian rolls her around with a backslide - 1, 2, 3! (3:13) Disciplinarian grabs her yardstick and breaks it over her back! And now she steals her pom poms! Oh, no, she's just throwing them down onto Pep. Golly, it's just like life - I guess the teacher will ALWAYS win over the cheerleader.
The ECW static sends us to Lana Star, towel on head and addressing her reflection in the mirror. "I knew it, I'm even cuter! And now to brush my great hair.." She removes the towel - but oh no! Her hair is GREEN! Lana screams...and we pull back from her dressing room to the Forum (check out the 75-foot banners of the WOW girls on the exterior) to the LA skyline, to a view of the planet from orbit, to a view of the ENTIRE earth - oh MAN, is this CHEEE-ZEE.
Find yourself in the Los Angeles area? Call Ticketmaster at the Forum at 213 480 3232 and ask when your next chance is to catch WOW!
HARLEY'S ANGELS v. TERRI GOLD & BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER & BRONCO BILLIE - Back to our our present taping for our main event - "This is a six ladies tag team grudge match - introducing first, the biker gang Harley's Angels - Charlie Davidson, EZ Rider--" "I'm EZ Rider, that's right, gimme that microphone! What's up, McLane? You're not gonna be able to protect these little girls - we're gonna break their legs like we did Se-leee-na! Ah ha! Harley's Angels is in the house! Tell 'em, Thug!" "Everybody, you'd rather kiss a rattlesnake than to mess with Harley's Angels." "Tell 'em Charlie!" "And if you do decide to mess with the Harley's Angels, we're gonna make roadkill outta you!" "Yeah! And that goes for you too, McLane, 'cause you ain't nothin'!" Unfortunately, she doesn't get to continue, since their opponents sneak out to the ring and dropkick all three of them to the outside. Ring the bell! Oh my Billie's pants are just a WEE bit too small. Beckie stays in...and it looks like she'll take on Rider. Lockup, hairpull by Rider, into the ropes, duck, crossbody by Beckie gets 2. Dropkick for Davidson when she comes in - another dropkick for Rider - Thug brought in the hard way - SHE goes into the ropes, reversal by Thug, Beckie brought up - but she dropkicks her on the way down! Thug rolls out and the Angels decide to take pause and strategize - Beckie outside on the apron - WHOA! Crossbody on all three of the Angels!! Beckie RULES! Beckie back in the ring and daring them to come back in - tags out to Billie while she's at it. It's Davidson in - lockup, hairpull to the corner, punch, punch, punch, whip into the opposite corner, axehandle MISSES - Billie with the headlock - and a big bulldog! Charlie's neck forgot to go down with her - ouch. 1, 2, Davidson kicks out. Billie stays on her - whip is reversed, Billie ducks under - crucifix - but Davidson drops down - oof, maybe she was supposed to be in a pinning predicament there but that's impossible - she actually leans backward to try to get her shoulders down, then they just give up at 1. Davidson scoops her up...and slams her down. Blatant hair pull - and a tag to Thug. Scoop...tied to the Tree of Woe - Billie and Terri are unfortunately monopolising the time of referee "Blind" Josh Milton - so it should come as no surprise that there's a tripleteam in the corner. As Billie is dumped back into the centre, it's been three minutes so that MUST mean it's time for an ad break!
When we come back, Bronco Billie is up on Thug's shoulders - and dropped into a gutbuster over EZ Rider's knee. Big ol' hairpull - pounding the back (McLane: Bronco Billie takin' it in the back!") - again - gutshot - but Billie ducks the next one and crawls through her legs, then rolls into a tag of Terri Gold! Rider into the ropes, back elbow, monkey flip for Davidson, Thug brought in the hard way (she must think she's Beckie) and all six women are in - triple whip into the centre, and LEE MARSHALL calls it: "TRAIN WRECK!" The Angels (save Thug) roll out - Rider pulls out Billie while Davidson grabs Beckie. Thug, meanwhile, hits a huge chokeslam on Gold - and the big splash off the ropes! But Milton is outside trying to restore order *there* - and doesn't notice SELINA MAJORS is out - crutch across the back of Thug!! Gold to the ropes - holy crap, that quebrada missed by A MILE - friendly camera angles try to hide the fact...as does Thug, who acts unconscious while Milton hops back in to count a 1, 2, 3. (4:01 + 1:35) Replays point out Terri's perfect arc off the ropes - and evade the question of a landing by cutting back to see Rider and Davidson putting the boots to Majors at ringside. Thug has her crutch - RIGHT in the gut! And now she's ready to go for the leg...OW!
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (again)
To the vault, where McLane is brandishing a handful of .... marbles? "I've been playing with these since I've been a kid...and they said I lost these years ago! Haha - oh - somebody's callin'...hello, David McLane! Hillary! No, Bill's not here. What? You wanna join WOW? What's your background? Politics? That's even too dirty for Caged Heat to get involved in! Hahahahahahahaha - hello? Hello? Hillary! Hillary! Hello? Hello? Hello?"
I think McLane had a hidden message: don't forget to vote Libertarian on Tuesday!