Of course, none of this should be taken as a suggestion that the lovely Ms. Star has had any of ALL of the above...after all, I doubt she's had a facelift either

That EnerX ad scares me. "Yeah! STAMINA'S more like it!" And that dude next to her is all "yeah, I'm a SUPER STUD now that I TAKE THIS PILL and mah woman, she just CAN'T GIT ENOUGH"

ICE COLD v. WENDI WHEELS - "Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? All the way from the deep freeeeeeeeeeeeeze...it's Icccccccccccce Cold." Remember, Ice's gimmick is that she hates David McLane. Also, lots of fake snow falls as she's walking out. McLane provides exposition: "Abandoned by her mother at a young age, Ice Cold is a loner....and she has a cold heart." "Feeling chilly, McLane?" "Oh, we don't need that, Ice Cold. I hope you fans didn't hear that." Ooh, yeah, she BURNED you BAAD, McLane. That approaced a pun, so I better lay out for the next introduction. "Her opponent, from Mechanicsburg, P-A! She's the garage girl pinup - the pinup girl for EVERYONE, she's Wooo-endi Wheeeeeeeels!" Wheels makes her "big wheels keep on turnin'" hand motion THREE times on her way to the ring. Make it *four* as she sits on the top turnbuckle and leans back in a "please take me" position - and Cold would oblige if not for referee "Blind" Josh Milton holding her back. Wheels jumps in and hthe bell rings. Lockup, switch, both women have handfuls of hair...to another corner, and they finally break. Cold with a shove, Wheels shoves back and down she goes. Clothesline by Wheels. Into the ropes, clothesline. Wheels turns 'em one more time, then tries a cover...but only gets 2. Cold rakes the eyes. Head to the buckle. Once again. Right, right left right, right, Cold knows THE SECRET as she stomps in every punch. Got the hair - snapmares her over. Off the ropes, big elbowdrop that doesn't really make ANY contact, but oh well. Cold stomp her right in the booty, stomp, stomp, a cheek every time. Off the ropes, forearm in the small of the back. Pulling her up - into the corner, into the opposite corner is reversed - Cold runs into a drop toehold. Wheels ready for a Boston crab...and taunting her, too, apparently. Lookit the crotch! Oh, Cold powered it out for a cover - 1, 2, reversed, 1, no. Cold muscles her into the corner, poses, and runs into the boots. Wheels "revs it up," then pulls HER up by the hair - lingering long enough in the crotch area to make you say "hmmm" - then finishing it, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by Cold. To the second rope...slips...going for the axehandle but Wheels is ready with the boot to the abdomen! And there's the blowout (face jam)! Wheels revs it up again (7?), then moves her close enough to the ropes so that when she hooks the near leg, the far one can wiggle over to the bottom rope JUST after 2. In the corner, into the opposite corner, and Cold ties herself to the Tree of Woe - Wheels with a boot to the gut, then pulling her out. Into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Cold - 1, kickout. Cold with the badmouth...then tossing her ALL the way over the top to the floor. Ice following out...got her by the hair - head into the commentary table! Commentators express outrage. Cold has the mic - she's EXTRA breathy now. "How ya feelin' Wendi Wheels? (gasp) Is your motor runnin' now? What's wrong? (gasp) Did you forgetcher ANTIFREEZE?" McLane: "Oh my!" "I'm just getting started baby, let's go for a RIDE..." Head to the apron! MAN Milton counts SLOWLY - Cold on the apron and signalling for the elbow - and hits it! All the way to the floor! There's an open-handed slap. OOH! Going for ANOTHER one, but Wheels blocks it and throws a right hand! Shoves her down! Crowd going nuts (sort of!) Picking her up but Cold spears her down...and now they're into some major league tusslin' as Milton FINALLY gets to ten. (DCOR 5:29) Nothing's settled here and they're STILL going at it as ANOTHER REF joins the fray in an attempt to get these two separated - but NOTHING DOING! But before I get overstimulated, let's cut to...

...the big list of tag teams in the WOW tag team tournament we've seen for a few weeks now. We'll *officially* kick this puppy off...right after this word from the Phonics Game!

When we come back, McLane has welcomed JULIE DAY to the ring. "The field reporter for WOW, Julie Day! Julie, a terrible crime took place - that being the theft of the world championship belt from Terri Gold, and I know you've been interviewing some suspects. How's that going?" "Well, David, I've interviewed Thug, Riot, and Caged Heat. They all appear to be innocent. However there is one suspect I have not had a chance to interview yet." "Who might that be?" "You, McLane." "Me?" "Yes." "Why would I ever steal the world championship belt?" "I was instructed to interview anyone with criminal tendencies and you certainly qualify!" "I don't have any criminal tendencies! What d'you mean? Why would I steal the belt?" "Well, according to rumours, you're either gonna sell it on the Internet, or cash in on the insurance." "I didn't think of that - those are good ideas - but if I did, I wouldn't sell the belt for cheap! (music starts) That's for sure! So Julie Day, you're gonna have to keep looking for suspects." "I'll be watching you." TERRI GOLD is out in "street" clothes - if by "street," you mean "walking the." Still, I'd rather see HER in a backless number and leather pants than Stephanie... "I introduce to you the world champion herself...Terri Gold!" Gold takes the mic at mid-aisle, off a handoff from Day - wireless mics COST MONEY, folks, they can't give one to EVERYBODY who's out there! "The world champion, fans...Terri Gold! ... Terri Gold, you're missing your prize possession, that being the world championship belt - we all saw what took place with the thugging." That was a strange choice of words. "David, I am very upset. That belt not only belongs to me, to Terri Gold, but it belongs to all of you! It belongs to everybody here - without all of you, I wouldn't have been able to win that championship - this is ridiculous!" "Well, Terri Gold, I know how you must feel, but I have to say this...by not having the belt around your waist, in no way has it diminished you as the world champion of WOW." "How am I supposed to be a champion without my belt?" Golly, she's WHINY this week - say, do wrestlers get PM--ohh, sorry. That's *extremely* sexist and I'm sorry I even STARTED that thought. As another picture pops up on the WOWvision, McLane starts in. "Hold it - Terri Gold, what's this? The belt's up - what was that - the belt was up - is the belt in the arena? What's this - it's a fire - someone's burning a picture of YOU, Terri Gold! What is this twisted act? This deviant act of burning a photo of Terri Gold, what does this mean?" "I just got here, but I know the culprit is in the building, and I'm gonna do everything I can to get that belt back!" Young plant - I mean, cherub in crowd: "The kids are counting on you!" "Yeah!" "The world champion...Terri Gold!" Note to WOW: planted signs should probably spell "Terri" correctly, i.e. not with a "y."

Log on to WOWE.com to check out the tag team tournament matchups!

Is that a Wayans brother in "Dungeons & Dragons?" Let's pile it all together...

JADE and LOTUS v. CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED) in a first round tag team tournament matchup - "Introducing first...the Asian Spitfire...it's Jade. Her partner...the Exotic Flower...her name, Lotus. Together, they combine together to be the Asian Invasion! Their opponents, from the Nevada State Correctional Facility... Delta Lotta Pain and Loca - they are Caged Heat! Caged Heat is Unleashed!" They can say "Asian Invasion" all they want but they STILL put "JADE LOTUS" graphics up instead. Caged Heat start lip-sync'ing to their music, which is funny and amusing. They hit the ring and the Asians skeedaddle. Pose and stomp! What time? Hard time! What time? Hard time! Here's an Asian-lookin' chick in the crowd - let's see what *she's* got to say "Lotus and Jade just...kick their ass...with karate! And kung fu!" Ooh, that's gotta be embarrassing for her entire RACE, there - not so much her words as the GIANT WAD OF GUM in her mouth while she tries to spit OUT those words. Pain makes the mistake of turning her back, so Jade dropkicks her in the back. No opening bell, but we'll try to manage. Lockup - no, kick by Pain - into the ropes, hairpull takedown - check that, "lockdown." Snapmare takeover. Another snapmare, almost dropping her on her head. They REALLY don't want to give us the cheek shots, do they. Into the opposite corner, powerslam ("full bodyslam" out) - 1, 2, PULLS HER UP!! Whip into the opposite corner, Jade up and onto her shoulders (I SEE HER WEDGIE! WOO HOO!), then spinning off with the head scissors ("Samurai scissors"), and there's the tag to Lotus - tag to Loca as well. Loca ducks the roundhouse kick and lands a kick in the gut. McLane: "She ducked because she expected it! She ducked becauses she's been in the prison yard and seen kicks coming!" Scoop...and a slam (ALSO a "full bodyslam" if you're McLane, because remembering move names you didn't just make up is HARD). Second rope fistdrop to the throat - yowch. Tag to Pain - into the ropes, Loca with a big sidewalk slam, Pain on the top rope and waiting - Loca stepping on Lotus on her way back to the corner - Pain's somersault legdrop MISSES! Tag to Jade! Body scissors rollup gets 1. Pain with a legsweep on a distracted Jade - Loca tagged in - double sledgehammer. Into the ropes, going for a slam but Jade manages another Samurai scissors! Body scissors again...but this time Loca just drops her on her face instead. Tag to Pain - Lotus comes in long enough for the ref to turn his back to the doubleteam - both members of Caged Heat pressing her high...and letting her fall. Big splash by Pain gets 2 - Lotus makes the save. Pain rakes her face and throws her through the ropes to the floor. Tag to Loca - Pain has her up - Loca with a clothesline off the second rope - you can call it a modified Devastation Device, but McLane calls it HARD TIME. 1, 2, 3. (3:44) Jade tossed out by the wedgie as Lotus tries to come back in - SHE gets a 3D - which *we* will call Capital Punishment. Lotus deposited next to her partner on the outside. Then, Milton is sent into the ropes for ANOTHER one, but he manages to hold onto the ropes and drag himself out before taking the bump. Replay of Hard Time, and Capital Punishment. We see THREE PRISON WORKERS cuffing them at the top of the aisle. The graphic says "You'd Better Be Here When We Come Back!" so...

Here's your weekly Benny Hill video ad

If you're ever on the west coast, you've GOT to see WOW in person! Ummm, the west coast is a BIG area....I doubt that people in, say, Vancouver, Washington are gonna be able to make the trip.

HAMMERIN' HEATHER STEELE v. MYSTERY (with The Goon) - "Lllllllladies and gentlemen, are you ready? Introducing from Sweet Home, Oregon, the talented tool girl, Hammerin' Heather Steele! Her opponent - accompanied to the ring by the Goon...it's Mystery." Mystery, you will recall, is the black-masked, black enshrouded woman in black. She appears to have gained a few hundred pounds since we last saw her - in the person of the Goon, a large man in black wearing a WHITE mask who apparently is not Bill Irwin. Mystery uncloaks to reveal....that she's wearing Terri Gold's stolen WOW championship belt! This would be SHOCKING, except that there's only ONE masked woman in black in WOW, so we all should have caught onto this a few weeks ago. Hey, I'm not gonna tell you *I* did...even though I DID, but I would have AT LEAST hoped that *McLane* would have had the brains to put it all together - har har! Of course, listening to the screams of *both* our commentators...well, it's news to them and they just don't know WHAT to say other than "HEY! HEY!" Here we go. Lockup, leg sweep by Mystery. Pulled up by the hair - scooooop...and a slam. Into the corner. Right hand to the abdomen, knife-edge chop, right hand. Into the opposite corner, is reversed, Steele drops down, ducking a clothesline, and hits a schooboy for 1. Arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, Mystery powers out and hits a clothesline. Picking her up by the hair...into the ropes is reversed, drop toehold by Steele. Floatover to a hammerlock, both women to their feet - Steele trying to stomp it in for effect, but Mystery manages a snapmare to turn it around. Mounting her - and that's a BLATANT choke! Another choke! Mystery pulls her up ("by the ears!" says Marshall) - into the ropes, clothesline. Into the corner. Winding up the backhand chop - another chop - kick. Into the ropes, "almost lost her" powerslam, hooking her for the fisherman's suplex - referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez is ready...1, 2, 3. (2:43) TERRI GOLD runs in to get what's hers...she gets it all right - the Goon gives her the belt...right across the chest! I take it back - Goon's mask looks more like that robot S.V7 from that one episode of "Doctor Who" - you know the one I'm talking about? Leela was in it - yeah, she WOULD make a good wrestler, come to think of it...

COMING UP NEXT: Can you say Grudge Match? Well, that graphic just did! It'll be Selina Majors vs. EZ Rider!

Noooo! Not CLEO!

EZ RIDER (with Charlie Davidson & Thug) v. STONE COLD SELINA MULLET - "Entering the ring, accompanied by her partner, Charlie Davidson, and the Brawling Biker, Thug - it's EZ Rider!" Once again, if you can't tell them apart, here's a little primer: Rider is *the one who wears a shirt,* while Davidson is *the one who makes give me fellatio" hand motions with her tongue.* Rider steals the mic from my brotha the Ring Announcer. "Harley's Angels is in the hooooouse! Yeah! Oh yeah! Woooo!" Did she write that herself? "Lemme tell ya something, Selina. You challenged me - I'm gonna take that challenge, Selina, and yer fight tonight is gonna end just like last time...with a trip to the hospital. Oh yeah! But only, this time you're not gonna have a leg to stand on!" "Their opponent...making her triumphant return to the ring, it'ssss The Real Deal...Selina Majors!" Lockup, arm drag takeover by Majors, arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN (Marshall calls it "pumphandling," but that isn't as funny...or is it?), but Rider goes to the hair to turn it around. SHE stomps in that armbar - but Majors nips up and throws several rights to the kidneys to try to break it - 4 total, but Rider puts her down again with a hairpull. Again Majors nips up, flips forward and gives Rider the boots to break it up. Rider goes outside...and you know what THAT means...it's time for an ad break!

Holy cow, a WWF ad! No, not *that* WWF...the World Wildlife Fund

When we come back, Majors has gotten a little too close to the ropes and Thug has her by the ankles - pulling her out to the floor! Thug lays in the forearms as Davidson and Rider hold her - then Thug holds her in a full nelson while THEY get a piece. Somehow, referee "Blind" Josh Milton manages to let all this go on right in front of him without calling for the DQ. Majors rares back and puts both boots to Davidson and Rider, knocking them both over! Thug's grip loosens, and Majors manages an elbow to Thug, breaking the hold - STUNNER! Majors back in the ring and she's riled up. Rider back to the apron - Majors over to bring her in the hard way...into the ropes, first to the midsection - running hair bulldog - cover, but Davidson pulls the leg over the bottom rope, stopping the count at 2! Rider rakes the face - head to the buckle - again - and once more. As Majors leans back in the corner, Thug sneaks up from behind and gives her a big forearm to the back of the head...then holds her for Rider's broncobuster! It doesn't look like it hurts at all, and maybe it didn't as Majors quickly manages her legs across her arms for 2. Into the ropes by Rider, back elbow, posing to the camera ("This is too easy!") and, therefore, only getting 2. Into the ropes, Rider with the sleeper! Majors drops down...she's fading fast. Arm falls once! Arm falls twice! Arm does not fall thrice! Reaching behind her and grabbing two hands of hair...back to her feet...elbow to the gut, another elbow, off the ropes, duck, clothesline! Davidson is in with her pool cue, and Milton heads her off...but while THEY'RE tied up, Thug is able to come in...Majors ducks - KICK WHAM STUNNER - over to Davidson - KICK WHAM STUNNER - Rider runs at her, duck, KICK WHAM STUNNER - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (1:10 + 3:22) Funny, they actually *called* it a "Stunner" EVERY TIME. Thug is back over and gives her a *big* bodyslam - then Davidson and Rider hold her for the big splash. Tripleteam stompdown - Milton gets ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM and oh no, we're out of time!

Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, Tootsie candles, and Invention Submission Corporation (again)

To the vault we go, where McLane exits with a soon-to-ring cel phone and...a feather. "A hundred more of these, and I've got a pillow! I wonder who this could be - hello, David McLane! Oprah! Great, you got my marriage proposal? Why do I wanna marry YOU? You've got a media empire - you're worth MILLIONS! What? You'll marry me when pigs fly? Terrific! I'll have the Farmer's Daughter send some hogs over by air freight! Hahahahahahahahahahaha - hello? Hello? Oprah, hello?"