/2 December 2000
Women of Wrestling
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #9
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1 3/4 (+ 7/16) - they did a whopping *6,000* shares this week! WOW!
WOW logo - just in case you weren't sure
We're in...David McLane's office? Who knows? Maybe it's a broom closet. At any rate, McLane (still in tux?) sits at a desk and works a laptop. There's a knock at the door - it's Terri Gold! She's very upset (and whiny) - she wants to change her match and take on Mystery. McLane says he's already GOT a contract with her and Ice Cold. "If you don't give me this shot against Mystery, I will NEVER represent this organisation again!" Yeah, SCREW THE CHILDREN, TERRI. McLane tells her not to say stuff like that. "What kind of champion would I be if I couldn't get the belt back for my fans?" I think when she says "for my fans," she really means "for MEEEEEE." McLane weighs the repercussions of breaking a contract. "Does this thing mean this much to you?" "Yes it does, and it means a lot to my fans." "Well....I'd be breakin' the contract, but you're the first WOW champion of all time...means that much." "Yes - did you see what they did to me?" "Ice Cold ain't gonna like this..." "It doesn't matter!" Terri is the Rock! "All right, you want it?" "Yes." "I'll switch the match, I'll do what you need." "Thank you." They shake on it...and she takes off. McLane is left to ponder to the camera... "Ice Cold idn't gonna like this..."
And apparently she didn't. Elsewhere, Ice Cold barges through a set of doors...and Poison is right behind her. "Ice Cold, wait!" "What do you want, Poison?" "I know McLane took you out of the title match tonight...but I also know how you can get him back." "NOW you've got my attention." "Since Wendi Wheels broke Phantom's jaw, I don't have a partner for the tag team tournament. You and I together'd benefit us both." "This better be good." "Together, nobody can beat us and I can finally get my hands on Lana Star and her clone in the semifinals." "That's great for you but what's in it for Ice Cold?" "After we WIN the tag team tournament, we call the shots just like Terri Gold did. We say WHEN we wrestle and WHERE we wrestle. There's nothing McLane can do about it. That'll really burn 'im." "Let's not *burn* him, let's *freeze* him." They both rare back and share some wicked laughter....ooh
I must have missed that bit about Phantom....hmm, her webpage seems to have disappeared, too. Don't tell me I'll never get to hear that BODYBUILDING VIOLIN again?!?
It's WOW #9, airing the weekend of 2.12.2K (taped 4.11) from the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA! Your hosts are DAVID McLANE & LEE MARSHALL. TONIGHT: Farah & Paradise team up! Lana Star & Patti Pizzazz in action! Caliente! Charlie Davidson takes on Selina Majors! And in the main event, Terri Gold gets her shot at Mystery!
POISON and ICE COLD v. FARAH and PARADISE in a tag team tourney first round match - "This first match is for the World tag team championship of WOW! The winners advance in the tag team tournament! Introducing first...Poison! Poison, I notice you don't have your tag team partner here..." "I don't need that little Lana Star, looks like someone puked Pepto-Bismol all over that girl. I have a NEW partner...a *real cool* partner..." Cue the fake snow - oh, only on the video screen. Sorry. "Her tag team partner, fans...from the Arctic, the lady that puts her opponents in the deep freeze! She is... Iccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccce Coooold." McLane hisses like a snake! "There opponents...introducing first, the Persian Princess...Farah! Her partner for this tag team match - she is...the Island Girl....Pair O' Dice!" Farah, dressed in standard belly dancer garb, looks as if she's escaped from the harem by studying Charo's "coochie coochie" breast wiggle, and indeed, she cannot WALK without doing a lot of swiveling on top to get the legs going. Paradise, on the other hand, I'd describe as a Hawaii Five-O credits girl, except that we know that Boom Boom is WOW's resident Hawaiian, so I guess we'll just have to generic up Paradise's pedigree. Boy, sure looks like she's hula-ing in her entrance video, though. She also has hypnotic cleavage, if I may. Think of her as Tygress with a better face (sorry, Tygress). I can't remember if we've seen these two since the battle royal...maybe during my vacation? Anyway, given Our Story So Far, I don't think you OR I expects them to move on in this tournament. Nonetheless, that's why they have the match, so here we go. Double dropkick and the de facto faces (assuming Poison's NOT a face this week) get the first blow. Both girls picked up - double into the ropes, double back elbow. Ice put into a corner by Farah while Paradise and Poison take the other corner. Double whip, double reversal - Farah and Paradise duck a collision, then hook arms - Farah leans back, lifting Paradise off the canvas for a double boot for Cold, then the pendulum swings back for Farah to kick Poison! That probably had a cool name twenty years ago. Ice and Poison head outside to regroup while Farah and Paradise celebrate. Whoops, Farah got too close - she's pulled outside. Ice rams her head into the mat. Poison grabs Paradise's hair, drawing the attention of "Blind" Josh Milton while Ice works over Farah on the outside. Put back in for Poison, into the ropes, fist in the belly, alleged kneelift, picked up by the hair, tag to Ice Cold, into the ropes, drop toehold by Poison, Ice with an elbow off the ropes for 2. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes, but the elbowdrop misses. Another elbowdrop attempted, another miss. Farah up...but Cold rakes the face, then the back. Farah somehow manages to crawl through Ice's legs and make the tag! Running dropkick for Ice! Running dropkick for Poison! Picking them both up by the hair...but there's a double knee to turn the tide. Into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, crossbody on BOTH ladies...Milton decides to count the fall on both of 'em - but only gets to 2. Poison put into the ropes, and there's ANOTHER one-legged dropkick. 1, 2, Ice Cold pulls her off. Double suplex hits - Milton is busy trying to keep Farah from coming in, of course, and misses it. Whoa, too close - I can see bruises on Paradise! Farah finally makes it in, but Ice Cold rakes her eyes and tosses her through the ropes. Paradise has a hidden tattoo - there's the Lick My Finger Paralyzer - and there's Ice Cold's super elbowdrop. Poison covers...1, 2, 3. (3:28) Poison licks her fingers TWICE. I liked that "one layer of blonde, one layer of red" hairstyle better on Ginger Spice, myself. If she's Ice Cold, why's she the only one I ever see breaking a sweat on this show? Upskirt shot of Ice!! Poison gets the mic. "Watch out Lana and Patti LePew...we're comin' fer you, woooo!" "Doesn't it make your blood run cold? Just give us the belt right now, McLane, and let's make it easy." Then Poison tells him he sucks - YOW!
Log on to wowe.com and try to navigate their message boards!
Let's hear from Dr. Sarah Bellum: "Jacklyn Hyde could be described as a classic schizophrenic. However, when the split in her personality occurs, the result is often violent. Should that happen, she must be sedated to prevent her from harming herself and others. As for her opponents, it's a good thing there's a doctor in the house."
Here's your weekly dose of Benny Hill
JACKLYN HYDE (with Dr. Sarah Bellum) v. CALIENTE - Once again, we are treated to the extremely dramatic, disturbing entrance video for Hyde. Won't someone help her? The last time we saw her, Nurse Mercy was wheeling her out on a bed, but I guess she's a little better with the doctor, as she walks out carrying a doll...stopping along the way to eat a piece of paper from the crowd. She appears to like looking up at the ceiling. "Ooh!" "Entering the ring, accompanied by her doctor, Dr. Sarah Bellum...get ready for Jacklyn Hyde." McLane says she competes because "this is good therapy for her." Hyde presents the doll to McLane. "That's so nice." "Her opponent...the firey, the hot Latina...Caliente!" Caliente is once again doing her forbidden nipple dance. Even Hyde can't resist the call of the salsa. Caliente offers to teach her to dance...and I think I can see Hyde's nipples poking out as well! Caliente lets Hyde try on her skirt - everybody clap for the CRAZY LADY - whoops, just tripped. Okay, back up...oh oh, I think HER MOOD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, as she takes off the skirt and winds it up into a fine garotte - BIG CHOKE on Caliente! Why'd you turn your back, Caliente? Ohh....big snapmare. Another big snapmare. Still got it on her - one more snapmare. Referee "Blind" Josh Milton manages to confiscate the skirt and put it outside the ring. Hyde's got her by the hair...we cut to some Hyde fans - oh no. I think that's Clint with the "Ca-Li-En-Te" chant. Hyde snapmares her over again...third rope splash MISSES! Caliente has to DANCE - and we've gotta take an ad break!
When we come back, Caliente has Hyde - into the ropes, one-legged dropkick, dance, cover, 2. She probably shouldn't dance. Hyde rakes the eyes to turn it around. Head to the buckle, again. Into the opposite corner - Hyde makes some glottal utterings and runs at her - but Caliente gets the boots up. McLane: "Caliente being cheered on by HER people!" Am I one of her people? I hope so! Crossbody gets 2. Hyde with the double leg - double legdrop between the legs, yowch. McLane id's our timekeeper as Tim Harris - I thought he was president of the 49ers? Scoop....but Caliente falls on her for 2! Caliente with the scoop...and a slam. Dance, Caliente, dance! Cover gets 2. Into the ropes, reversed, but Caliente manages a...hmmm, jumping forearm? Who knows. Standing on the backs of the knees...going for a surfboard - check that, MEXICAN surfboard. Will Hyde give it up? Hyde does a Zodiac impersonation, and Milton finally decides there's a yes in there, and rings the bell. Your winner is Caliente...and your winner is ME because I get to watch Caliente celebrate! (1:36 + 2:14) Is Hyde okay? "It's hard to tell, David. We'll have to check it out." Marshall: "Well, that's good advice." Huh? Caliente gives some lucky fans lap dances - watch their eyes - THEY know what to watch. Hyde gets hysterical on us, does the Vulcan mind meld on Dr. Bellum...and takes back the doll. McLane pronounces this "a good sign."
NEXT: Selina Majors vs. Charlie Davidson!
Rosie O'Donnell wants us to obey safety rules on the water! OKAY!
CHARLIE DAVIDSON (with EZ Rider & Thug) v. STONE COLD SELINA MULLET for a shot at Thug - "Entering the ring, accompanied by her partner, EZ Rider...and the bbbrawling biker, leader of Harley's Angels Thug - it's Charlie Davidson!" Rider takes the mic. "Hey, Selina! Yer lucky you got away last time! Now it's Charlie's turn to finish you off!" "That's right, Selina! I'm gonna run you down and make roadkill outta you!" "Ladies and gentlemen, her opponent, the RRRRRReal Deal, Selina Majors!" Majors gets first pyro of the night. McLane: "It's been nine weeks, baby, and Selina still can't get her hands on Thug in a singles match!" Me: "What about the FIRST week?" Lockup, to the corner, Davidson rakes the face, right, right, right, shoulder, shoulder, into the opposite corner, runs at her but Majors jumps up, puts her feet under the arms and rolls forward for 2. Majors puts her in the ropes, reversed, sidestepped, crossbody by Majors for 2. Davidson goes to the eyes. Scoop....and a slam. Head to the buckle. Once again. Scooped up - Marshall: "variation of what we used to call the old Tree of Woe!" Davidson kicking away on Majors. Referee "Blind" Josh Milton pulls away Davidson...allowing Thug to sneak in with a big-time choke. I guess I better mention the "THUG HAS A MULLET" sign even though we've been seeing it ALL HOUR. Davidson picking her back up - short clothesline. Thug in the ring - double clothesline misses - double clothesline by Majors connects! Rider up on the apron, asking Milton "I'm prettier than Charlie, right? RIGHT?" Majors is so happy to get her hands on Thug that she....tosses her through the ropes to the floor. Oh. Davidson from behind on the distracted Majors. Into the ropes, reversal, downstairs, kneelift, cover, 2. Majors still in control. Whip into the ropes, monkey flip out. That's her move! In the corner, right hand, climbing on the second rope...Ten Punch Count Along only gets to five, snapmared out, off the ropes but the pool is empty on the elbowdrop. Davidson puts her in the corner, whips her into the other corner, Majors steps aside and hits a big running bulldog...but Thug grabs the leg and puts it over the bottom rope, stopping the count after 2. Rider up on the apron once again, and obviously Milton is smitten, because he walks across the ring to go talk to her! Behind his back, Thug climbs up and grabs Majors off the face rake by Davidson...ready to run at her, but Majors gets the feet up...then hits a stun gun on Thug! Majors with a shot for Rider, ducking a clothesline from Davidson - KICK WHAM STUNNER! 1, 2, 3. (3:34) Thug: "Okay Selina Majors...I guess it's me and you now!"
"Hi, this is JULIE DAY. I'm here with one of the hottest teams in WOW - Summer and Sandy of the Beach Patrol. You know, you two are true California girls." Sandy: "We sure are - you can always find us at the beach, we're either rollerblading, swimming, running - we're both natural athletes." Summer: "And in school I played soccer, and I threw shot put, but tossing a beach ball's a lot easier." "What made you two decide to team up?" Summer: "It was when we worked together in lifeguard training. Our skills really mixed well together...handling rescues...." "And when we heard about WOW, we knew that our teamwork would make us number one, and everyone else, well, they'd just kinda be washed out to sea..." "Well, wouldn't you guys find wrestling a lot different than lifeguarding?" Sandy: "You know what? Not really, because in both you have to be strong and dedicated, which we both are." "That's right, we may seem like we're all sun and fun, but in the ring, we're all business." "So you guys entered this tag team tournament in order to crown the first WOW champion - any predictions?" Sandy: "My prediction is that the Beach Patrol, we're gonna ride this wave all the way to the top." "That's right, all the other teams are gonna be allll washed up." "This is Julie Day, getting my feet wet with the Beach Patrol." OH MAN SUMMER'S A TOTAL AIRHEAD Graphic says "No Channel Surfing Aloud" - ha ha GET IT?
You've got to see WOW in person! Call TicketMaster and tell them you've just GOT to see Women of Wrestling at the Forum!
LANA STAR and PATTI PIZZAZZ v. TANJA THE WARRIOR WOMAN and ROXY POWERS - "Part of the WOW tag team tournament - introducing the Hollywood Sensation, Lana Star!" The red carpet IS rolled down the aisle - she's got a mic with her, but she's not using it yet... "Her partner and her personal assistant, Patti Puhhhhhzazz!" Patti is now pretty in pink. Leave it to McLane: "Like every LA girl, she's now become vain!" Golly, sounds like SOMEONE'S had some bad luck with the chicks down in SoCal. "Hello everybody and welcome back to the Lana Star show! Today we're having our tag team tournament, AND I heard a little rumour that Poison, the Toxic Avenger, whatever she thinks she is, teamed up with an icy pop or something? Anyway, my new personal assistant and tag team partner Patti Pizzazz and I will WIN the tag team tournament! I only hope we get designer belts! Look at her shoes, are they not the sweetest things you've ever seen? Anyway...do you have anything to add?" "Yes. I'm finally ready for my closeup!" "Is she a quick learner or what?" "Their opponents...introducing the Waryr Woman...TANNNNNJA! Her tag team partner...the total athlete...RRRRRRRRRRRoxy Powers!" Well, they can both hit bicycle kicks, but I'm not sure what else they'd have in common. McLane: "She's got the package!" Me: "Well, either she hides it well or you're wrong." Will Star take her hat off before the wrestling starts? Ahh, yes. Star and Powers start in the middle of the ring. Powers is not related to Jim Powers, okay. Lockup, armdrag takeover by Star, pulling her up, arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, Powers to her back, back up, hammerlock by Star, single leg rollup for 1. Tag to Pizzazz and it's AD BREAK time...already!
When we come back, it's a lockup, scoop takeover by Powers, drop toehold (sorta) as Pizzazz runs at her. Star, meanwhile, is working on her hair. Tag to Tanja. Lockup, single leg, kicked away by Pizzazz, nips up. Strange kick by Tanja, well there it is again, but it's caught, but Tanja manages a semi-enzuigiri to her back (?), puts her in the ropes, duck, spin kick from Tanja lands. Pizzazz wants to tag as Tanja makes the exchange, but Star tells her to go after her - Powers with a low dropkick. Into the ropes, reversed, hairpull by Star, and NOW they tag. Into the corner, Pizzazz with a backflip and handspring elbow. Bulldog - sorry, facelift by Star gets 1...if that. Snapmare takeover by Star, to a sleeper hold. Powers to her feet - elbowing out, but Star hits a hairpull takedown. Still got her by the hair - tag to Pizzazz - double elbow is ducked - Powers slides under the bottom rope and starts berating McLane about the hairpulling. Meanwhile, Tanja comes in with a double clothesline! Star goes outside as Tanja hits THE WOW CATAPULT on Pizzazz. Star grabs her mirror and calmly bonks Powers with it. Tanja with the giant swing! A whole TWO rotations on it! Cover - she COULD have had three, but referee "Blind" Josh Milton is outside trying to figure out what happened to Powers. He's no Sherlock Holmes! Meanwhile, Star breaks ANOTHER mirror on Tanja. Both commentators tell Josh what happened, but apparently, he's deaf as well. Fortunately, he's able to react to Star directing him back towards the ring where Pizzazz has the cover - 1, 2, 3. (0:45 + 2:35) Fortunately for Poison and Ice Cold, they DID advance! Thug STILL has a mullet! Star's music plays and Pizzazz keeps holding her back. "We're coming for you, Poison. You can kiss...THIS!" SHE STOLE HER MOVE! McLane hits the ring. "Lana Star, you had no right hitting those wrestlers in the head with a mirror...it seems you've also... have corrupted this young, beautiful woman who was known as Patti Pep - you have corrupted her not only in the ring but also mentally!" "Okay, everybody, does she look like she's corrupted? Okay! As if she does not look Super SEXY and Super COOL, and we're gonna be the tag team that takes it all! And who saw the mirror? I don't think the ref did, so shut your mouth!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please - Patti Pep - Patti Pizzazz, come to your senses! Don't team with Lana Star! Please, come to your senses!" "David, I'm only treated others how they have treated me." "This isn't right! Hollywood's not all that! Don't believe in the dream! Don't believe in it! Fans, there they are, Lana Star and unfortunately...Patti Pizzazz!" Pizzazz' theme plays one more time. What *I* wanna know is how come Lana Star is emailing ALL these 'Net folk who talk about WOW ... ALL of them, that is, EXCEPT me? Why am *I* not good enough? How can I become the type of person that Lana Star would notice and email? Do I need to use more pink in my reports? Should I find more obscure places to talk about WOW? Should I spend less time talking about her breasts? CONUNDRUM CONUNDRUM
And what about McLane? DON'T BELIEVE IN THE DREAM - man, what a downer! Hey, kids, don't believe in your dreams! I mean, all I'M dreaming of is an email from Lana Star (and possibly a Caliente workout video) - are you telling me I shouldn't BELIEVE in that? WHAT is this world coming to?!
Let Us Take You Back Three Weeks when Mystery punked out Terri Gold and ran off with her title...only we didn't know it was Mystery at the time
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week when we found out that Mystery was...Mystery. And she had the belt. "A Mystery Solved?" Come back from this ad break!
MYSTERY (with the Goon) v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW World Championship - "For the WOW Championship! Entering the ring with her assistant, the Goon! It's....Mystery. And introducing the WOOOOOOOOW Champion, Terri Gold!" She's an athlete AND she's admired by the children of the world...or so I was just told. Gold hightails it to the ring 'cause she's SERIOUS - no time for slapping hands with the fans - oh, maybe a few. Dropkick to Mystery's back - WHY do these people keep turning their BACKS? And here we go. In the corner - snapmared out. Dropkick. Mystery rolls outside. Gold with a cartwheel. Anybody seen Jungle Grrrl? I mean, she's probably not under that hood, but hey, have you SEEN her lately? Mystery finally back in the ring. Lockup, fireman's carry takeover. Arm wringer, STOMPING IT ON, working the armbar - Mystery to the abdomen to turn it...bodyslam, into the corner, winding up the karate punch, backhand, punch - into the opposite corner, but Terri jumps to the second rope and hits the Gold crossbody for 2! Into the ropes, clothesline by Mystery. Leg is hooked, 1, 2, kickout! Gold does 2500 situps a day, remember. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Into the corner. Mystery back to the kung fu punch, backhand, punch combo. Into the the opposite corner, Gold on the second rope, springing off with the Gold crossbody...did they just rewind the tape or something? 2. Side headlock by Gold, STOMPING IT IN, into the corner they go....looks like Gold was supposed to climb the ropes and backflip, but she didn't land on her feet - nonetheless, she still goes for a rollup - well, schoolboy - and gets 2. Into the corner, backflip, Chyna-quality handspring elbow. Cover, 1, 2, kickout. Into the ropes, reversed, semi-powerslam gets 2 for Mystery. Fisherman suplex (Marshall: "Pumphandle suplex") gets 2. Gold put in the corner, right strike, another right. I wonder if she'll whip her into the opposite corner, only to eat a second rope Gold crossbody - nope, Gold springs up and over....THEN runs to the opposite corner so she can spring off with a Gold crossbody - oy vey. 1, 2, no. Scoop...and a slam. Quebrada ACTUALLY CONNECTS!!!!!!! The Perfect 10 - and a 1, 2, 3. Gold retains. (4:10) Goon still has the belt, though - and as he proudly displays it to the crowd, Gold catches him with a dropkick in the back, causing him to cough up the belt into the commentary table! McLane tosses the belt to Gold (lookit that funny planted McLANE $UCK$ sign) who goes back to the ring - and now "the children are filling the ring!" Looks more like they want to perform bouncy moves off the ropes, quick, cut to a different camera. McLane: "These youngsters are in love with her...and she loves the kids!" Oh my.
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (2)
Back to McLane's office, where the closing credits pop... and the phone rings. "Hello, David McLane! You're calling for Jeannie Buss, the head of the Los Angeles Lakers, the world champion Los Angeles Lakers, the Shaq Lakers, the Kobe Bryant Lakers, the Jeanie Buss who is smart and worth millions? Of course I'll take her call, put her through! Jeannie! How are you?"
OOOH CLIFFHANGER (MAYBE)
I thought Phil Jackson was doing Jeannie Buss?
SAME SHOW, DIFFERENT OPINION: My Hero Dean Rasmussen was kind enough to post his take on this show on my EZboard. Click over to http://pub30.ezboard.com/fcrzfrm2.showMessage?topicID=55.topic if you haven't already!