/9 December 2000
Women of Wrestling
WOMEN OF WRESTLING #10
QUICK QUOTES: WOWI.OB 1 1/4 (- 1/2) - last week, they announced an investor relations firm had been hired, and the response was *instantaneous*...and I mean "instantaneous" in that sense that it means "has yet to materialise." This week, David McLane and CFO Doug May will participate in an online webchat, but you need Windows Media Player, which sucks rocks.
PREVIOUSLY ON WOW: It's been...what, *seven* weeks since the genesis of this Lana Storm/Poison feud? The best school is the OLD school...the latest twist occurred LAST week, when Poison recruited Ice Cold to be her tag team partner in the tournament for the belts - and they simultaneously rared back in evil laughter...
Opening Credits - not recommended for epileptics
DAVID McLANE stands in the ring with Kane's ringpost fire at the ready. "Welcoooooome to WOW! WOMEN OOOF WRESTLING!! Ladies and gentlemen, this first match tonight is a singles bout! Making her way down-- oh, what's this?" What this is is the music of LANA STAR leading the Fabulous One *and* her tag team partner slash personal assistant P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ down the red carpet to ringside - Star, resplendent in pink bustier and black pants; Pizzazz with the reverse - and a pink bra as well. Bobby Heenan asked me to tell you that "their cups runneth over" - I *never* should have let him in here. "Lana Star and Patti Pe-- I mean, excuse me, Patti Pizzazz...what are you doing out here? You don't have a match today." "See, Patti? He still doesn't get it. McLane, I'm getting really tired of this. Every time I come out here, I get sick to my stomach! You don't need to be here anymore, it's the Lana Star show - I'm the star and the executive producer!" "And I'm her personal assistant and tag tame partner!" Tag tame? "We know you're her tag team partner now, Patti Pizzazz - we all witnessed you two *stealing* your first tag team match in the tournament." "You are as dumb as you are cheap - we didn't steal anything!" "That match was ours for the taking, so we took it!" "You certainly did take it, but tonight, we're still in the first round of the tag team tournament, so I don't know why you're out here, Lana!" "Well, Einstein, I can do whatever I want - I *am* the executive producer, so I'm going to schedule a second round match right now." "You can't do that!" "Of COURSE she can!" "I can do whatever I want - I know of one other team that won their first round match - I don't know HOW - it's that coward Poison, who snuck behind my back and dyed my hair green (I'm still traumatized by that) and her little friend Ice Cold." "Oh, that albino chicken and that toxic twit?" "That's right - I want them tonight, so we can get them out of the way and onto our tag team belts!" This brings out POISON & ICE COLD, to Poison's music. "Well, it looks like you've got your wish, Lana - here is Poison and Ice Cold, and they don't look happy." "Who are you calling a toxic twit and albino chicken? You look like a coupla pink flamingoes!" "Can you feel the chill, Lana and Patti? Once we win the titles, you're gonna be on ice for good!" "Well, it looks like you're gonna be on ice for good!" "Well it looks like you may have your wish, Lana, but we wanna know...Ice and Poison, do you accept Lana's challenge for a second round match?" "Not only do we accept it...we look forward to it." "Get ready for a big dose of Poison." "Lana, I think you got your wish." "Good! After we're done with you two DORKS, you'll be off the air for good!" "You know what, Tweedle Dum, and Tweedle Dumber? Kiss it!" And the work a synchronised "kiss it" motion in. Star and Pizzazz are also sync'd up - "Eww - gross!" McLane makes faces. "Fans, you have it! Lana Star and Patti Pizzazz will be against Ice Cold and Poison tonight in a second round match!" "I'm in shock - for once you got something right." "Lana, is it time for our closeups?" "She's such a fast learner! Camerman, closeups now - you, too!" "Fans, Patti Pizzazz and Lana Starrrrrrrrrrr!" And off they go. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? ("Is it cleavage, cleavage, cleavage?")
Fans, log on to wowe.com and get all your WOW information 24/7!
COMING UP NEXT: A Riot! Riot takes on Wendi Wheels - prepare for vroom vroom after this ad break!
Have I yet mentioned that this is Women of Wrestling #10, airing in most markets the weekend of 9.12.2K, coming to you from the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA (taped 18.11...and 4.11)? Well...there you go.
RIOT v. WENDI WHEELS - "Iiiiiiiiintroducing first, the Heavy Metal Maniac...ladies and gentlemen...Riot!" Riot swipes the mic from our ring announcer, THOMAS GRIFFITH - thanks to McLane for ID'ing him and saving me from having to go back to the closing credits to dig it up - "Wendi Wheels has decided to step up to the plate. Don't you know what I do to cars? Wendi Wheels, I am going to BLOW your transmission, I am going to SLASH those tires. And when I am done with you, you are going to have a permanent residence in the junkyard, because NOTHING can stop the Riot!" When Riot said "I am going to BLOW" and then paused for just the *slightest* instant...well.... "Her opponent, from Mechanicsburg, P-A...she's the Garage Girl Pinup, Wendi Wheels!" That's two "vroom vroom" hand motions before she even hits the ring. There's another one! Yikes! She fails to sit on the turnbuckle and lean way back like last time - perhaps that's why the fans are working up a "Riot" chant, since she *is* sitting on the top turnbuckle, although not as suggestively. Here we go. Lockup, to the corner, Riot in control - clean break? No, Riot with a slap. Wheels slaps back. Kick to the midsection by Riot - got her by the hair and making some noise. Head between the legs - umm - keeping her there for a while and making suggestive finger motions - uh...I'll be right back. Wheels fights the piledriver/powerbomb/backdrop/whatever, and Riot holds her own back. Going to try again, but Wheels reverses into a backdrop of her own. Picking her up by the hair, into the rope, Riot reverses, but Wheels hits a flying clothesline...for 1. Wheels in control, but spending a little too much time playing to the fans, as Riot turns it around with a single leg sweep. Riot has the hair...scoop...and a slam. Single stomp, walking over her. Riot to the second floor ("this is gonna be EASY!") but Wheels runs to the ropes and crotches her. Riot straddles the turnbuckle for...a while. Wheels over for a big beal. I would describe the pace of this match as "Freddie Jackson." Wheels has her by the hair...Riot breaks it, kneelift, and tossing her through the ropes to the outside. Poor Wendi's got a wedgie! Riot wants to bring her back in the hard way, but Wheels puts a shoulder in the gut, sunset flip attempt, but Riot stops and sits...referee "Blind" Josh Milton won't count a pinfall with her holding the ropes - after he removes her hands from the ropes, Wheels manages to get her legs on Riot's shoulders, pushing her back...but Riot kicks out. In the corner, into the opposite corner, reversal, Wheels into the opposite corner, boots up to stop the charge, into the ropes, reversal, big clothesline and Wheels sails to the mat. Riot quickly to the mat with an arm scissors and facelock...wow! She doesn't hold it very long, but DOES make a funny face. Got her by the hair...shoving her face into the mat. Another hairpull brings her to her feet - and NOW she's between the legs again. Riot looking for fan response, as if to say "hey! Look what I've got between my legs!" Gutwrench...and POWERBOMB. That'll do it - 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP! Riot is EVIL! Milton: "You could had three!" Riot: "I coulda had A LOTTA things." I don't even know what that means...but I like it. She's going for ANOTHER powerbomb...Milton protesting, and he gets a hand in the face and big ol' shove for his troubles. Well, this won't stand - Milton calls for the bell (DQ 4:36) and Wendi Wheels is your winner. Riot takes this in the manner you'd expect, clothesling Milton over the top rope to the floor. This allows Wheels to hit a gutshot and Blowout, make the vroom vroom hand motion and send in the replay. McLane: "Look at this! Oh yeah, baby - can you feel it? Are you revved up? Can you feeeeeeel the Blowout?" This just in: Wheels is a major babe. Vroom vroom!
Here's a look at Jade's entrance video...and Disciplinarian's entrance video...I have a feeling they're COMING UP NEXT!
DISCIPLINARIAN v. JADE - "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing...from the Board of Education, it'ssssss....the Disciplinarian." McLane and LEE MARSHALL are acting like this is the beginning of the show. Weird. "You know, Jade, I hope you've been awatching me and studying really hard because you're about to be put to the test." Dananana na na na na na... "Her opponent - she's one half of the Asian Invasion...she's the Asian Spitfire, Jade." I've been meaning to ask Jeremy Billones to compile the WOW Ladder, but even without it in front of me I know that this particular match can't be nothing but a good ol' fashioned heapin' helpin' o' SQUASH. Jade's wedgie will need to develop later, looks like. Disco with the side headlock, STOMPING IT IN...Jade powers out, but Disco hits a shoulder block. Off the ropes, up and over, ducking a clothesline, Jade with a Year of the Monkey flip. ("I thought she was supposed to be Japanese.") ("I dunno - she's Asian. I'm just a dumb white guy.") ("Oh.") Disco runs into a drop toe hold...Jade on top of her with a hammerlock. Back to their feet and Jade works the arm wringer, STOMPS IT IN, Disco cartwheels out and reverses it, STOMPS IT IN, into the ropes, big clothesline. There's a splash for...2. Into the ropes, going for a tilt-a-whirl but Jade busts out the Samurai Scissors. Have we seen this ref before? Got her in the corner - ANOTHER monkey flip. Big announcement from Danger tonight! Into the corner, reversal, but Jade goes up, lands on the shoulders and hits ANOTHER Samurai Scissors. Infamous "one-legged dropkick" from Jade. Cover, leg is hooked...that's 2 for Jade. Into the ropes, reversal, back body drop by Disco. Got her hair...scoooop...and a slam. She's taking over here...2 count. Into the ropes, Jade ducks, body scissors...dropping down for a rollup...for 2! In the corner, whip out, reversal, second rope crossbody by Jade for another 2. Disco swings wildly and misses, Jade hooks up the backslide..for 2. Gutshot by Disco, double underhook (THERE'S the wedgie we know and love) - SLAPJACK! 1, 2, 3. (3:01) Marshall called it a chicken wing, but I know a Pedigree when I see it. Got the ruler...and breaking it over Jade! "Now, class is dismissed." Chyron ominously warns "Dont Go Away OR ELSE!!!"
I think *Cleo* should be a wrestler. She could tell us ahead of time if she's going to win or not by looking at the cards, and then LATER, somebody can elbow her in the face...
JULIE DAY is backstage. "I'm here with one of the wildest groups in WOW, Delta Lotta Pain and Loca of Caged Heat. You know, you two are very aggressive in the ring." "Oh yeah, we were the toughest inmate in our cell block, and you know we had to prove it every day." "Damn straight! I like a good fight - if there wasn't one, hell I'll start one!" "All the time!" "Okay, so how did you two get into wrestling?" "The prison psychologist said we needed a way to 'channel our violent behaviour.'" "Okay, so then you joined WOW?" "Well, first we beat up the psychologist." (both) "...and then we joined WOW!" "Now we get to commit assault" (both) "legally!" "And you know, when Caged Heat is unleashed, our opponents won't stand a chance." "Okay, so you two are entered in the tag team tournament to crown WOW's first tag team champions. Do you guys have any predictions as far as this goes?" "Oh yeah, I gotta prediction. What time will it be when Caged Heat win the tag team titles?" "Hey, I'll tell you..." "Hard time, baby...hard time." "Heh - let's get out of confinement..." Hey, Julie...get out of those pigtails.
JUNGLE GRRRL v. FARAH THE PERSIAN PRINCESS - "Introducing...from the Amazan Raaaaaain Forest...it's....Jungllllllle Grrrrrrrrl. ... It's Farah...the Persian Princesss!" Squash night continues here on WOW for those in the know - lockup, into the ropes, duck by Farah, but not evading the back elbow. Into the ropes, back body drop by Grrrl. Cover - 2. Scoop...and a slam. Commentators discuss the won-loss record of Jungle Grrrl...and then of Terri Gold. Marshall asks when their rubber match will take place, and I wonder if he's asking what I *think* he's asking. McLane says the fans should make their voices heard at wowe.com if they want that match. (I bet he books it whether I ask for it or not.) Into the ropes, goint for a tilt-a-whirl, but Farah shifts her body weight and manges a crossbody for 1. Into the corner, reversal out by Grrrl, Farah avoids the charge, drops down, and rolls her up...for 2. Arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, Grrrl puts her into the ropes, one-legged dropkick (Marshall: "Did you see the elevation?" Me: "Favorable camera angle") - in the corner, Grrrl with a kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner...well, I don't know WHAT Jungle Grrrl was trying to do but it ended up a...let's call it a sidewalk drop. Grrrl to the top floor...no, it was a headbutt! The big splash would have ended it, but as it is Farah kicks out...at 1, yet! How insulting! Farah kicking Grrrl away...Irish whip into the corner, cut to a fan's sign (editing another blown move?), slap by Farah, kick in the gut, right, Grrrl pulls her back by the hair, into the ropes, Farah with a crossbody! Grrrl goes to the face...pumphandle slam (!), and now going up top - she won't make that mistake twice. This IS the splash - and that IS the pin. (3:11 - Down) Once again, commentators mention that Jungle Grrrl and Beckie both like to come off the top rope...the same comment they make when Beckie is wrestling. I wonder when THAT match will be booked. David McLane grabs a mic for a post-match interview. "Jungle Grrrl, what a spectacular move off that third rope, but in all MY years, I've never seen anyone come off the third rope and hit someone with their head!" Grrrl: "You should watch Chris Benoit sometime." No, really she says "Let me tell everybody here a couple of things! First of all, NEVER, EVER hunt what you can not kill." Then she hands the mic back before saying the second thing. I guess we'll never know. "Ladies and gentlemen, the winner - Jungle Grrrrrrrrrrrrl!" I guess I don't see how she can be Mystery, either. Say, what's up with Mystery?
Thank God! My "EnerX" commercial for the week! All I need now is Benny Hill and I'm SET!
The hottest ticket in town is Women of Wrestling LIVE! The next taping, I believe, is *this* Friday. Call Ticketmaster and tell them you want to pay a giant convenience fee to see WOW!
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Caged Heat, aka "a lot of the footage we saw in WOW #1, spliced in with clips from the three matches we've seen so far...AND with narration!" "The dusty road to the Nevada State Correctional Facility signals the end to life as we know it - creature comforts are left behind. Prison walls and barbed wire cut you off from the outside world. Your home...is now a cell. Every day is a battle for your very existence...and Caged Heat...rules." I'll say this, though...that theme music is ROCKIN'. "Never in the history of women's wrestling had a tag team had such an impact on the sport...like a well-oiled machine bent on brutality. ... Delta Lotta Pain and Loca tear into their opponents with one thought in mind. What time is it? ... Once Caged Heat is Unleashed, they become judge, jury and executioner, sentencing the other tag teams to cruel and unusual punishment. Delta Lotta Pain and Loca administer their own brand of justice in the ring...and they always find their foes guilty as charged. Why do they wrestle with such wild abandon? Could it be because this is the only time they feel...free? After the match, it's the long ride back to lockdown...but Caged Heat is always ready to be unleashed again. And coming up next, Ice Cold and Poison face off Lana Star and Patti Pizzazz!" Huh?
YES! THE BENNY HILL AD!
LANA STAR and P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ v. ICE COLD and POISON - "This match, part of the WOW tag team tournament...iiiintroducing...the contestant who wants the red carpet treatment, it's...direct from Hollywood, Lana Star! Her tag team partner...and her personal assistant, it's Pattiiiiiiiiiii Pizzaaaaaaaaaaaazz!" Thank GOD she's back in cheerleader garb. In traditional face announcer hypocrisy, McLane now accuses Pizzazz of "showing off" when she goes into her cartwheel routine. "Their opponent--" "Hi, everyone! I have something to say - you're looking at the new tag team champions - all we have to do is get rid of that gutter trash, Poison and Ice Cold!" "They don't even belong in the same ring as us; I mean, they don't even colour coordinate, and we're so pretty in pink!" "Their opponents...first, from the deep freeze. It's Icccccccce Coooold. And her tag team partner, from the Toxic Unknown...Poison!" Can somebody tell me, PLEASE, which team's the face? Before the arena can fill with snow, Ice and Poison run to the ring and surprise them with a spear for Star and a clothesline for Pizzazz. Star outside - into the ropes, double back elbow for Pizzazz. Ice goes outside while Poison stays on Pizzazz - into the ropes, big clothesline. Tag to cold - into the ropes, Poison drop toehold, Cold elbowdrop. Stomp, stomp, scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes, elbowdrop MISSES, another elbowdrop misses, and Pizzazz manages to make the tag. I'm thrown by the fact that the outside partners are standing in adjacent corners, THEN by the fact that Marshall just said "as the Pointer Sisters would say, New Attitude" when I KNOW he probably means Patti LaBelle. (Insert joke about white guys and soul music here) Pizzazz bars the arm while Star comes off the top rope with an axehandle to that arm. Ice tries to rake the face, but nothing doing, snapmare by Star. Cold DOES manages to regain the advantage with a hairpull, shoving her back to her corner, where Poison pulls the hair while Cold works the body. Scoop...and a slam by Ice Cold. Stomp, stomp, up by the hair...tag to Poison, into the ropes, punch to the gut, off the ropes with a knee. Into the ropes again, but Star hits a dropkick. Tag to Pizzazz - I guess Cold decided they weren't going to change corners, so SHE did. Anyway, Star drops to all fours to provide a boost for Pizzazz' flying elbow. Star with a half bulldog/half face jam on her way out - Pizzazz with a gymnastics routine punctuating a press for 2 - Ice Cold saves with an elbowdrop, and Poison pretends it was a tag, going outside...to the wrong corner. Oh well. Cold puts her into the ropes, big back elbow, grab of the hair, side Russian legsweep, floatover for 1. Tag to Poison, open shot to the back. Poison with a camel(toe) clutch! Star breaks it up with a seated dropkick. Ice Cold tagged in - double suplex. Ice going up top as Poison hits her Poison Paralyzer - and Ice Cold hits her top rope elbow...then goes after Star! Well, that ain't too bright - Poison has the cover on Pizzazz but Milton is trying to get Cold back into her corner. Now Star's got the mirror - crack! And Pizzazz is on top. Cold looks RIGHT AT IT - but fails to do anything about it as Milton counts 1, 2, 3. (no opening bell - call it 4:01) Big hug for the victors as McLane says they should probably review the tape. (Why THIS time and not any of the other times?) Cold is in to check on Poison. "McLane, this is all your fault! You *faggot!* How could you let this happen!?" Damn, she's not going to turn on her, either, is she. Did she just call him a.....and they didn't mute it? Yikes! Let's go to the replay...Ice Cold tied up with Milton, CRACK, Pizzazz put on top...the hell? A floating WOW logo meets up with Pizzazz' ... well, her... her "koochal" area, and then it *floats* around, blocking our view of Patti's posterior! THAT was a STRANGE choice. What are they trying to tell us here? Where am I? Why am I here?
JANE BLOND v. BOOM BOOM - "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, from Her Majesty's Secret Service, it's Blond - Jaaaane Blond." Blond may not be James Bond, but she's certainly more James Bond than Dean Malenko is. We spend A LOT of time watching her entrance video - hey, she just blew up a man! Is that legal? "Her opponent, from the Island of Maui, it's---it's....it's....it's DANGER!" Boom Boom's music and video are cut off by Danger's, and out she comes....wearing basic black and, once again, not carrying a broadsword. McLane needs to get to the bottom of this. "Danger, I don't know what you're doing out here. I thought this is some sick plot by Lana Star - Boom Boom is supposed to be here, not you...you're not even supposed to be in this building!" "I know, McLane, and I need to know why!" "It's very simple! Lee, tell the director in the truck...don't we have digital? Get the Danger video, show 'em what happened with Danger, and I'm gonna show all the people at the Forum why you're NOT supposed to be here! Look at WOWvision now, fans, and you'll see it right there!" From a few weeks back, Danger Rock Bottoms Josh Milton through a table. "That slamming the referee through this table cost you FIVE thousand dollars and a suspension from WOW!" "McLane, you should know by now...it's MY house, and you gotta play by Danger's rules!" "Not tonight, it's n-- wat are you doing? Get your hands offa me!" Danger's got McLane (who takes time to gently place his microphone on the apron before failing wildly) in her mitts...is she gonna complete a face turn and put McLane through the table? In position for the uranage!! But, at the last moment, Blond leaves the ring and pulls her off McLane...so SHE takes the Danger Drop instead. Danger poses - McLane shows worry. "You're in Danger's house now! You should know that, McLane. You gotta play by Danger's rules! Who's house is it? Who's rules is it? Remember that, McLane - there's a table with your name on it, still. Danger's in the house!" Play her music!
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation
The cliffhanger continues as we again visit the office of David McLane. "Jeannie Buss, please...(closing credits)...hope she's in...raindrops keep fallin' on my head, they keep fallin' / raindrops keep-- Jeannie! David McLane, how are ya? Fabulous! Oh, that's great to hear. Oh, I'm fine, also. I just wanted to thank you for takin' time outta your busy schedule last week, I know what it's like runnin' the world championship Los Angeles Lakers, and givin' me a call. No, I appreciated it. Hey, I was wondering - would you like to come see WOW, Women of Wrestling live? YOU WOULD? Then it's a date!"