E-COMMERCE: With episode 12 in the can, a second WOW tape should now be available - drop me a line for details

QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1 (- 1/4)

WOW logo - WOW!

We cut straight to STONE COLD SELINA MULLET heading to ringside - they only seem to do this with Selina, making it look like we're joining the show in progress. Ah well. DAVID McLANE is there to meet her. "Ladies and gentlemen, the four-time champion of the world - the Real Deal - Selina Majors! Selina, give it up - you went through EZ, ya went through Charlie, and tonight you're gonna get your dream...the match against Thug." "Well you know what, David, I waited a long time - you know they think they messed me up with my knee, but you know Thug, I played by your rules - I beat EZ Rider, I beat Charlie Davidson, and tonight I'm gonna gitchyor ass in the ring, one on one!" "Oh yeah!" David McLane: the Kool-Aid Man "The only thing I need, Selina, and I see you have yours, is the contracts." "That's right, David - I gotta contract, but it's not just a regular wrestling match. Tonight, Thug, we got a match...one on one, anywhere in the buildin', no time limit, no disqualification, falls count anywhere in the arena." "Anywhere in the arena! And that is what's on here, let me make sure you sign this properly, Selina. It looks in order, you got your match." THUG comes out alone with *her* contract. "Thug - we don't need you out here, Thug - the only thing I need from you is this contract." "Listen here, I've already beat you - I don't have anything to prove, but I've sahned this silly contract, and I'll tell you what - it's right, no DQ, falls count anywhere, I'm gonna kick your ass. Here, I've signed your silly little contract." "Hey, you shoulda read the fine print. Because you know what? Charlie and EZ is banned from ringside - it's gonna be one on one!" "That's right, Thug...I better grab that contract because...lemme make sure you signed it, Thug...oh yeah, you signed it, Thug - that's it - fans, one on one!" Thug wants to go at it now - Selina ducks the clothesline - KICK WHAM STUNNER! "Fans, the Real Deal Selina Majors!" "And I'll tell you what, Thug - tonight I'm gonna kick your big fat ass!" Who says "you know" more - Selina Majors or Ahmed Johnson.

Opening Credits

THIS is Women of Wrestling #12, airing in most markets the weekend of 23.12.2K (taped 17.11, mostly) from the House of WOW, the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA! TONIGHT: Bronco Billie vs. Riot! Sandy vs. Slam Dunk! And, in the main event, Selina Majors takes on Thug with no disqualifications, no countouts, and falls counting anywhere in the building!

"Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you this first match!" But instead, here comes LANA STAR in Santa hat (and deep, deep cleavage) for her closeup. LEE MARSHALL: "Well ho ho ho - no insult intended." "Lana Star, this is the opening of WOW, and what are you doing here, you don't belong here right now." "You're not in charge of my personal appearances; that's Patti Pizzazz' job. I can come out here any time I want; I AM the executive producer and star of the show." "We know that, Lana - how many times have we heard it, fans? It's the Lana Star show!" "Wrong, tightwad - it's the Lana Star CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!" "Christmas special? Whaddaya mean it's a Christmas special?" "Well, I decided I wanted my own Christmas special, so I'm gonna have my own Christmas special!" "What's gonna be in the Christmas special?" "Well, of course, I'm gonna be starring in the Christmas special, along with my personal assistant Patti Pizzazz, and I'm sure I'll get lots of Christmas presents and cards! You can even be in my special, too!" "I can be in your Christmas special?" "Yes, I have the perfect part for you." "What would I do in Lana Star's Christmas special?" "You will be playing Scrooge." "Scrooge? Why would I play Scrooge?" "Haven't you ever heard of typecasting?" "Lana Star, lemme tell ya something. You keep coming out here and interrupting the proceedings - I wouldn't be in your Christmas special if you were the GOOSE and I got to STUFF ya!" "Did you just say what I think you said?" So she breaks the mirror over his head. McLane comedically oversells it, as you might expect. Hey! She's turning face! "That's my Christmas present to all of you - Merry Christmas! And this is the beginning of the Lana Star Christmas special!" Marshall ID's El Kabong. Lana even gets a kick to McLane on her way back. Here's a replay - from three angles. Well, she's gotten to the chyron guy, anyway. "The Lana Star Christmas Special continues..."

OH MAN! BENNY HILL IS SURELY THE KING OF COMEDY

When we come back, we're behind the music with Bronco Billie and *her* cleavage. (In case you didn't know that was Bronco Billie, the production team helpfully provides her logo for your benefit.) Lana Star, having had a change of outfit, arrives on the scene. Fasten your seatbelts, we may experience a dizzying array of quick cuts and bizarre closeups. "Bronco Billie, how'd you like to be in my Christmas special?" "You're having a Christmas special, Lana?" "Of course! 'I'm Dreaming of a Pink Christmas,' I'm the star and executive producer." "Do you even know what the meaning of Christmas is?" "It means I get tons of cards and presents! And I have a special job for you - are you in?" "Well what do you want me to do?" "I want you to lasso me a reindeer." "I can't lasso reindeer!" "Why not? I've seen you lasso cows - same thing - they both have horns, cows, reindeer..." "It's not the same thing. Besides, reindeer live in extremely cold climate - this *is* California, and you're not gonna find any reindeer here." "How 'bout on your ranch?" "That's in Texas! You're not gonna find any reindeer there, either!" "What good are you if you can't lasso me anything?" "Well I'll show YOU what I can lasso..." Hey, guess what she lassos... "That's IT, you're off the special!"

SLAM DUNK v. SANDY - "Innnnntroducing, the six foot three power forward....Slam Dunk! Her opponent...she's one half of the Beach Patrol - from sunny California...it's Sandy!" The ladder tells me this is nothing but a big ol' plate o' SQUASH - sure enough, there's ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM (Sandy got a good six inches off the mat!) to start. But they decide to have a match anyway...Sandy into the ropes, shoved back with the boot. Off the ropes, legdrop, 1, 2, kickout! Into the ropes, Sandy ducks the boot, crossbody gets a surprise 2. Side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, hiplock takeover, Dunk counters with a head scissors. Sandy escapes and goes back to the side headlock. Dunk picks her up and drops her (ouch). Lax cover - only 2. Put into the corner - whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Dunk meets her with the boot as Sanday tries to follow up. She is, she slizz - big splash ... only gets 2! Into the ropes, Sandy ducks, nice one legged dropkick - 1, 2, Dunk kicks out. Into the ropes is reversed...but Dunk catches her attempting the crossbody...and drops her. Dunk says her name over and over so we'll remember it. Wasting a lot of time here...up on her shoulders...helicopter slam (two rotations, and over the shoulder drop. Big splash - 1, 2, 3. (3:10) "The winner....Slam Dunk!" No mic time for the power forward...THIS week...

WOW is iNDEMAND! LIVE 4.2.1, 8pm Eastern! The first all women's Pay Per View from WOW Women of Wrestling! The finals of the tag team tournament will be featured! Mark your calendar NOW!

Poor Alex Trebek got pre-empted by a local ad - POOR, POOR Alex

When we come back, Thug lifts a dumbbell with her right hand...and a beer with her left. Hey, SHE'S turning face! Fortunately, I'm not confused into thinking she's someone else because the THUG logo is helpfully displayed for me. Lana Star approaches her: "Hi, do you have a minute?" "What do you want, Lana?" "Well, as you know, I have my own Christmas special, 'I'm Dreaming of a Pink Christmas." "You have your own Christmas special?" "Why does everyone ask me that? I AM the star and executive producer - don't you people listen to me?" "That pink outfit you wear, it kinda drowns you out, Lana." "I'll take that as a compliment!" "You would....is there a point to all this?" "Yes, I would like you to be in my Christmas special, and the best part is I want you to play Santa Claus!" "Santa Claus? Me? Why?" "To be honest, you're the only one big enough to fit the costume!" "If I were you, I'd get out of here before this rattlesnake strikes twice!" "Gee, for a fat person, you're not very jolly." Thug - wait for it - breaks the cue stick over her back - complete with wonderful sound effects of the stick breaking, and Star's corpse hitting the ground just out of camera range. "Is that jolly enough for you Lana Star? HO HO HO." If you've been wondering what GOOD cheese is...these segments are pretty much it.

RIOT v. BRONCO BILLIE - "Innnntroducing, the Heavy Metal Maniac! It's....Rrrrrrrrriot! Her opponent - from the wild, WILD west...Brrrrroncooooo Billie!" Have I mentioned that Billie looks like an attractive Francine? Riot does the "ridin' a horsey" dance...THEN mounts a turnbuckle backwards and plays cowgirl. Does she *know* what she's doing to Dean? Riot starts with the ol' one-footed dropkick. Got her by the hair...up...and down with the bodyslam. Through the ropes to the floor! Billie looks a little annoyed. Finally, back in - SHE lands a one-footed dropkick! There's the WOW Catapult! Riot adds a twist during her trip to the mat, just for fun. Riot kicks Billie away when she tries to add to it. Sent into the ropes, Billie drops under the clothesline and hits a clothesline for 2. Riot arguing the count - I guess she thought it was a 1 or something. Riot puts Billie into the ropes, but Billie hits an...I have no idea...for 1. No, I watched it five times...no idea - she just kinda pushed her backwards into the pinning predicament. Billie waiting for her to get up - now playing to the fans, that's a mistake - Riot surprises her by sweeping her leg all the way around and taking her down. Riot has her by the hair - "You're gonna disqualify me? What difference does it make? What difference does it make?" Riot's got issues. Billie's head between her legs (see what I mean? ISSUES) - giving her a super wedgie - Billie escapes the vice and heads under her legs to a corner. Riot after her...Billie sidestepping the axe handle, got her in the side headlock, and hitting the bulldog, after some difficulty. Cover - but only 1. Sign in crowd: "ROIT" Umm...I think they're doing all these crowd shots so we don't see Riot's derriere escaping from her bike shorts. Riot has her up on her shoulder - did she just spank her? We get a good shot of HER wedgie...sat on top - right, right, pulled off on her shoulder...and a big slam. 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP! Head between her legs again (hmm)...going for the big powerbomb...and hitting it. 1, 2, 3. (3:56) "Your winner....Rrrrrrrrrrrrrriot!" Riot does the horsey dance one more time - then twirls her bat like a baton. Replays of the powebromb. "You'd Better Be Here When We Come Back!"

And now...Cleo - the cards them, they never lie

Lana Star cannot be denied - her next target is...wait, let me wait for the logo....yep, Hammerin' Heather Steele. She's...tightening bolts on a piece of gym equipment? Umm....all right. "Hammerin' Heather Steele, you're just the person I'm looking for!" "I'm a little busy right now, Lana - what do you need fixed?" "I don't need anything fixed right now...although it would help if you could put broken mirrors back together!" "I don't think so - I've seen how they've gotten broken, and I'm not gonna be an accessory to your crimes." "Fine, never mind that - what I really need is for you to be in my Christmas special, 'I'm Dreaming of a Pink Christmas.'" "How did YOU get a Christmas special?" "Hello, I AM the star and the executive producer!" "Well what do you need ME for?" "I have the perfect part for you." "Really? (checks cue card) For me? (checks cue card) Well tell me about it!" "Well, I want you to be an elf in Santa's workshop." "Really? I...what made you choose me, Lana?" "Well, it's easy! You're short...and you're good with tools...so I figured you could make all the presents for us! Did I mention you're short?" "Lemme show you how good I am with tools, Lana - I'm gonna fix (checks cue card) your wagon right now!" "Fine, but don't come crawling back!" Steele makes an "ahhhh - pfffft" face.

wowe.com has a new graphical screen thingy! OH BOY!

"The WOW Women of Wrestling know the TRUE spirit of this holiday season is in helping others in need. WOW was happy to lend it's support to the Neil Bogart Memorial Fund event On Tour for a Cure which raised over one million dollars for research into the diagnosis, treatment, care and cure of children's cancer, leukemia and AIDS. Bronco Billie, Beckie the Farmer's Daughter, and the WOW World Champion Terri Gold were all on hand to meet the fans, sign autographs, and pose for pictures. Indeed, it was a great day for a great cause."

"Coming up next, it's Selina versus Thug....and this is how it all began." Let Us Take You Back to the end of WOW #1, when Harley's Angels took a chair to Selina's leg after the battle royal...and clips from the ensuing saga over the next ten weeks. "Falls Count Anywhere - THE MATCH IS NEXT!"

Tick off the EnerX ad on your commercial checklist

We pull back from a pink Christmas tree to find Lana Star and Patti Pizzazz. "I got so many cards from all of my Hollywood friends, everyone sent me cards this year...see this one's from DiCaprio...and this one's from DeNiro..." "And look! I have a card from Randi Rah Rah!" "We can use THIS to start the fire." "Lana!" "I thought we were through with all this stale cheerleader stuff." "I know..." "You're part of my production staff now." "I know, I'm your personal assistant and tag team partner." "And elf." "I'm an elf?" "Yeah, Hammerin' Heather Steele TOTALLY wanted the part, but I said no - I was saving it for you." "Cool! I get to be an elf - yeah!" Star makes a "golly, she's stupid" face.

THUG v. STONE COLD SELINA MULLET, falls count anywhere - "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, THIS is a featured event! Entering the ring, the leader of Harley's Angels...it's Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuug." This match took place in the ring on WOW's first show, but this one can (and probably will) go anywhere in the Forum. "Her opponent - SHE is the Reeeeeeal Deal! It's Selina Majors!" Thug meets her on the aisle with a clothesline. Big right hand, right, right and Majors goes down. Lots of trash thrown in the aisle - rolled into the ring - big forearm by Thug. Another big forearm. And one more forearm, why not. Into the ropes, Majors ducks - Thesz press and six rights to the head before Thug can roll her off! Majors ducks a clothesline, gutshot, faceplant. Thug outside...and Majors following. Big slap. Another big slap. To the commentary table - Major slamming Thug's head on the commentary table, then climbing onto the table to lay into her with punches! It's another six rights by Majors - head to the table AGAIN - trying to pin her on the table - 1, out at 2. Head to the STEEL steps. Gutshot, Taking her to the floor (Thug banging her arm on the way down for [sound] effect) - 1, 2. Thug finds a monitor cable and chokes Majors with it. Majors wrapped up in extension cords. Thug grabs a power strip and hits her with it. McLane is apoplectic. 1, 2, Majors is up. And now *Majors'* head hits the table hard. Thug with the bottle of water. 1, kickout at 2. Around the ring...Majors avoids a forearm and fires back with a right - another big open-handed slap to the face. Thug fires back with a kick, and takes her head to the ring mat. Marshall: "What? We gotta take a break? Are you ribbin' me?"

When we come back, it seems as if no time has passed - Thug finds some cables to choke Majors with...Majors manages to kick her away - big right, right, up into the crowd! Thug trying a punch - Majors with a slap, and another- they're up into the upper level - Majors takes her head to the bar behind the top row of seats...Thug with a ... drink? Clear out...Majors tastes a chair. Thug tastes Majors' palm once again. Thug finds a trashcan lid - WHACK! Thug points to her...bicep. Oh, no, to her tattoo...thanks, Marshall. Cover...2. Majors with the garbage can - to the head! Right hand, Majors puts the garbage can over her head - dropkick to the can! But she can only get 2! Majors tosses Thug to the floor once again...and again gets 2. Majors with a right, right, right, right, Thug to the face to turn it around - head to a garbage can! Thug grabs it - and bounces if off of Majors. 1, 2, kickout! Majors with a chair - WHACK! Thug collapses - Majors hooks the leg...and AGAIN barely gets 2! Selina with the garbage can - TWO good shots! Thug wanders away - Majors still following...they're aside the stage now - Majors rams Thug headfirst into the wall. Gutshot - Thug to the eyes - and into a safety rail. Majors whipped into the rail and walkway. Thug has a banner and chokes out Majors with it. Crowd chanting "table" - duh. Thug sends her into the railing yet again - cover - 2. Thug with the forearm - whip into the walkway is reversed and THUG hits hard. Clothesline by Majors - right, right, right, big right, and they're walking back to the back...no, to the front of the ringside seats. Thug's face to a chair. Selina has her by the hair - and back into the ring! Open-handed slap. On the second turnbuckle...Ten Punch Count Along! Face jam by Majors, hooks the leg, Thug out at 2! Thug rolls outside...going back up the ramp. Is she leaving? Majors out after her...bulldog takedown on the walkway!! But Thug comes back with a forearm...face to the stage. Thug puts a boot on her throat and uses one of the silhouettes for leverage. BIG forearm by Thug. She's backstage...no, she's back with a STEEL chair...but Majors ducks it and referee "Blind" Josh Milton takes the blow...then FALLS FROM THE STAGE TO THE CEMENT FLOOR! Majors ...KICK WHAM STUNNER! Thug, having dropped the chair, falls from the stage to the floor through a table! But with the ref out, CHARLIE DAVIDSON is free to show up and break a cue stick across Majors back - SHE falls to the floor...but Thug breaks her fall! Milton looks up, sees a cover and counts - 1, 2, 3! (3:02 + 6:59) EZ RIDER is out as well, but the refs are holding her back. Davidson checks on Thug while the other refs check on Majors.

PPV ad #2

"To me, the spirit of Christmas is giving...and most importantly, giving gifts to me, so Patti, let's open the presents!" "Open this one first...it's from me!" "Oh...oh, pom poms - how nice. (I can exchange these...) And for you, an autographed picture!" "But Lana, I already have one!" "No need to thank me - Christmas is giving of yourself! What other presents are there? Okay, we have this from Riot, and she says 'Hope your Christmas is a big hit - Riot.'" It's a baseball bat with a bow. "Oh, how...er...Riot-like. And for her, a picture of Lana Star." "And, from Danger, you have this. (hands her nunchuks with a bow) Danger says 'It's my house - Christmas rules - Danger.'" "These look dangerous - picture for her. What else is there?" "This is from Thug... (hands her pool stick)...and we have this from Disciplinarian... (hands her ruler)..." "Picture...and picture..." "Mmmkay, and we also have this!" "Who's it from?" "There's no card." "Surprises? I love surprises..." "Yay surprises!" "AHH IT'S A SNAKE" "It's a rubber snake! I wonder who sent it?" "Eugh, I know who sent it - Poison. Even *she* can't ruin Christmas. That's for the fire too!" Pizzazz consoles Star as we learn that the Lana Star Christmas special....continues...

When we come back, it's Lana Star, alone with the pink Christmas tree. "Christmas is a time for remembering, so let's take a moment to remember how fabulous it is...to be Lana Star!"

Here's a Quick Video Look at Lana Star - five-way split screen.

Back to Star and Pizzazz. "It has always been my Christmas television traditional to recite 'A Visit from Lana Claus.'" "But isn't it your first Christmas special?" "So, it's a new tradition. Patti Pizzazz, why don't you go make some egg nog." "What about *pink* egg nog?" "Of course..." "Yummy!" Cue the music and associated images!

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Lana's house
Everyone was invited, except Poison, that louse
Pink stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Lana Claus soon would be there
With Patti Pizzazz putting gifts by the tree
Everyone would have brand new pictures of me
Caged Heat was in prison, and Thug in the bar
And I was more beautiful, just being Lana Star
Riot busted up autos, and Danger was fond
Of decorating tables with Jane Blond
Jacklyn Hyde was sedated and calm as a child
While Jungle Grrrl frolicked and romped in the wild
Slam Dunk spun her opponent and dished out some pain
While counting his pennies was old Scrooge McLane
The Disciplinarian took her foes back to school
And the Farmer's Daughter danced around like a fool
Bronco Billie rode horses, Harley's Angels rode bikes
And Ice Cold did just whatever she likes
Farah and Caliente both did a dance
And Mystery burned pictures, if you caught a glance
Heather Steele did construction, Selina did the Stunner
Patti and I beat up on Poison, now what could be funner
Boom Boom did her squash, and Tanja her kick
And Jade did a head scissors which was pretty slick
Roxy Powers threw punches, and Lotus looked grand
While Summer and Sandy just played in the sand
Paradise did the hula and I whacked Julie Day
Terri Gold did the Perfect 10 to her opponent's dismay
Wendi Wheels revved her engine with all of its power
While I got better looking by taking a shower
The tag team tournament started with a blast
We all want to get to that pay-per-view fast
It was Caged Heat against Lotus and Jade
And Asian Invasion has just been delayed
Then Patti and I took on Tanja and Roxy
The pair in the pink proved they could be very foxy
Paradise and Farah lost to Poison and Ice Cold
I know that we can beat them, if the truth be told
The next tournament team will be Sandy and Summer
If the Beach Patrol wins, it'll be such a bummer
Still more teams are waiting to be given their due
And go for the championship on pay-per-view
Now remember, Christmas is a time to rejoice
And revel in the gesture and sound of my voice
With all of my fans cheering, I'm glad that they know
I'm the star AND producer of the Christmas show
I've won so many matches, you'll know I'll go far
On the top of the tree, a bright Christmas star
And my personal assistant has moved up a step
Now she's Pizzazz and forgotten the Pep
So to all of our opponents, stay out of our way
Or you could get hit with a mirror or spray
To any producer searching for a new star
Stay tuned to WOW, you won't have to look far
And to everyone watching, here's what I dream of
Merry Pink Christmas to all, from Lana with love.

"Here comes egg nog!" "It looks delicious!" "It can be our new Christmas tradition." "Merry Pink Christmas, Patti." "Merry Pink Christmas, Lana." (both) "Merry Pink Christmas to all of our WOW fans!" And they each blow ME a kiss. Awwwwww.

Promotional consideration paid for by EnerX, EnerX again (I think), Invention Submission Corporation, and it sure is annoying how WB20 keeps inserting their own ad breaks in between THIS set of ads, of course it's better than Channel 11, which just cuts off the end of the show altogether...ohhhh....and oh that's it.

We're with Thug, who opens up a mailbox and finds an envelope. She opens it, and pulls out...the picture of Lana Star. "Lana Star? This is the worst Christmas present I've ever got. She rips it in two, puts it on the ground, and rubs her boot into it. "That's where you belong, Lana Star...lower than a snake's belly!"