QUICK QUOTES: WOWI.OB 1 1/16 (+ 1/4) ... last week 13/16 (- 3/16)

CONTRIBUTE: It's very possible that I'll be interviewing Terri Gold for WrestleLine - the only problem is I have *no idea* what to ask her! Please email me your questions TODAY! (Oh, and...leave the jokes to me, okay?)

WOW logo - ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WOW!

PREVIOUSLY ON WOW: Well, LAST WEEK was the "Best of 2000" special, so this is "Previously" - we take a look at the Falls Count Anywhere match from two weeks back. David McLane's voiceover promises another look at "one of the greatest matches in the history women's wrestling" along with never-before-seen footage! If you're cynical, you'll ask "what's up with the rehashed content?" but fortunately for us, I'M not!

Opening Credits....WOW!

This is Women of Wrestling #14, airing in most markets the weekend of 6.1.1, coming to you from the House of WOW, the Great Western Church in Inglewood, CA (taped 17.11.2K) TODAY: Beckie the Farmer's Daughter sees action, and WE see HER! Beach Patrol competes in the tag team tourney! Poison gets a shot at World Champeen Terri Gold...speaking of which...

"Hey Poison! You tried to blind me with green venom - meet your antidote!" And then she flexes her guns. I don't know...I think my biceps are SLIGHTLY bigger. ("Yeah, your breasts are probably bigger, too.") HEY! I think I'm offended! And furthermore, THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE! ("Keep dreamin', fatty.")

BECKIE, THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER v. JACKLYN HYDE (with Dr. Sarah Bellum & Nurse Mercy & the female equivalent of "Chucky") - DAVID McLANE stands in the ring to make the opening match intros: "In this match, introducing from Hog Holler, Nebraska, Beckie, the Farmer's Daughter!" "Help me - help me - please, help me...help me to escape this cheesy entrance video!" "Making her way from the sanitarium...accompanied by Dr. Sarah Bellum and Nurse Mercy...she is....the unpredictable...Jacklyn...Hyde." Hyde has dyed half her hair in addition to drawing in some freckles, and dances merrily with her doll. Beckie's not in a sporting mood, I guess - there's a dropkick to start. And there's another Rapidly Approaching the Best Dropkick in WOW and Hyde goes to the outside. Beckie complains to referee "Blind" Referee #3 about keeping it in the ring. Hyde back in the ring, Beckie ducks a swing, the voice of LEE MARSHALL starts and stops in an unearthly growl as we cut to the crowd (the magic of editing, poorly hidden?), and next thing we know, it's a body scissors - Beckie sitting out in - yikes, Marshall just growled AGAIN - that's SO distracting! "Keister bump," says Marshall - *I* say she's STOMPING IT IN...just with her booty instead of her feet. Still got the body scissors, and this is the Farmer's Roll...McLane says there's hay in the ring - thrown in by her adoring fans. Uh huh. 1 count for Beckie. Mistakes made by the commentators in this match: McLane promotes Nurse Mercy to "Doctor," while Marshall intimates Beckie is from "a small town in Kansas." In case you're wondering, no, I *don't* have anything better to do but nitpick. Beckie still in control - but Hyde rakes the face to turn it around. Head to the buckle and down goes Beckie. Another head to the buckle - I think the bad side is coming out in her...into the opposite corner but Beckie springs off the bottom turnbuckle into a crossbody for 2. Side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, hiplock takeover for a near fall. Back to their feet - STOMPING IT IN. "This is *therapeutic* for Jacklyn Hyde!" "Oh, you're kidding." "I don't know how much..." Hyde sweeps the legs to break the hold. Double leg between the legs - oh. Another double leg is a bit low...and the ref is quick to note that she's just done that twice - TWO TIMES! Meanwhile, Hyde's right (black) boot is untied - that might reduce her moveset. Beckie with a cartwheel into a reverse press...sitting on her for 1, Hyde kicks out. Hyde into the ropes, one-footed dropkick (Marshall: "What elevation!"). Hyde rakes the arms *again*, then tosses her through the ropes to the floor - yow! At this point, it sounds like they decided to overdub McLane with...*more* McLane. Weird. Beckie sweeps the legs, tripping up Hyde as she nears the ropes. We pause to take a replay of Beckie's ride through the ropes - apparently, there's a 2 count and a foot on the rope during this replay, but why would we want to see that? I'd be willing to bet on some more editing in here, but when we come back, into the ropes is reversed, Beckie ducks a clothesline, Jacklyn ducks a crossbody and Beckie lands hard. Hyde picks her up - snapmares her over...put in position for...hey, I didn't know Hyde had a top-rope splash, too - well, she doesn't, because it missed. Scoop.....and a slam by Beckie. SHE'S going up top...top-rope splash lands - that's it - 1, 2, 3! (Formula 4:09) McLane hits the ring to get a word with her. We didn't see Bellum or Mercy the whole time, but they collect Hyde to take her out of the picture. "The winner of the match, from Hog Hollow, Nebraska, Beckie the Farmer's Daughter! Beckie, they love ya here, and we've heard from WOWE all about the excitement of the fans - how's your time been in WOW?" "David, I - honestly, this is like the best ever - I love it so much." "Well you're a heck of an athlete and they recognise it, and we look to WOWvision - Here we see...right there, Thug going down...Charlie hitting her - and here it is, the patented move by Beckie the Farmer's Daughter...the splash! Nobody does it like you, Beckie!" "What do you guys think, huh? Isn't that one of the best splashes you've seen? I have to admit, I think I have - I DO know, I have the best splash in WOW - that's a fact." JUNGLE GRRRL is quickly out to dispute it, unbeknownst to our shillmaster. "What do you think of that, fans, does Beckie have the best splash? In WOW? Yes indeed! Jungle Grrrl, what are you doin' out here? You're not to be here now." "It's bad enough I have to listen to this hillbilly ramble on....but when she talks about having the best splash in WOW, I take it as a personal insult. You will learn what the laws of the jungle are - kill or be killed." "Ooh, I'm scared." "You should be." "Just wait for the match." "You should be - you should be." "Jungle Grrrl, you have no reason to come out here, there isn't a match, so please excuse yourself." "Jungle Grrrl" chant starts up. "Who are they callin' for?" Beckie starts up a "Beckie" chant that's about twice as loud. "Fans, we're gonna find out who has the best splash in WOW, maybe one day - Beckie the Farmer's Daughter...(replay of Beckie splashing Thug)...Or Jungle Grrrl (replay of Grrrl splashing Bronco Billie!"

Backstage to the dressing room we go..."Summer, are you ready to WIN this tag team title?" "Yap, I sure am." "Let's go do it together - no one can stop us!" "That's right." "Let's go!" "Yeah." Why does Summer look like her four words took an hour to memorize? "Coming up next, fans, the Beach Patrol meet the Daughters...of Darkness in a tag team tournament match. You won't wanna miss it!"

I wouldn't mind missing the Benny Hill commercial, though...

BEACH PATROL v. DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (with The Goon) - "This match is part of the WOW tag team tournament! Introducing, from the sssssunny beaches of California, the Beach Patrol!" They apparently have a new dance involving tapping their floaty things, giving a high five, and bumping hips. Looks like there are some people alongside the aisle that like to grab and not let go - yikes! Look, if you can't tell them apart, I'll help you this ONE time: Summer is the one carrying the floaty with "Summer" on it. "Entering the ring...accompanied by the Goon...it's the Daughters of Darkness, Mystery...and Misery." Mystery and Misery are easier to tell apart - the tan, buff one is Mystery and the white, slightly less buff one is Misery. The lifeguards decide to try to strike first - double clothesline ducked, double kick in the gut by the women in black - into opposite corners - double whip is reversed and the Daughters collide in the centre! Time to row the boat - well, more of a double wishbone as they just snap the legs apart - they're doing it again ("Okay - on three - 1, 2...") High ten, and another hip bump. How close ARE these two, anyway? Summer is gigantically scary. Looks like it'll be Sandy and Mystery - lockup, side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, hiptoss takeover, still holding the headlock - Mystery grabs the hair for 2 - apparently referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez ain't watchin' the hair, if you catch my drift. Mystery powers out, off the ropes, duck, Sandy with a crossbody ("full body press") for 2. Into the ropes, simply AWFUL, awful dropkick (more like a knee - and that's being charitable) - Mystery says "I ain't sellin' anything else from this chick" and tags in Misery. Sandy over to bring her in the hard way. Pulling her up - into the ropes, reversal, big clothesline by Misery. Scoop...and a slam. Got her by the hair - tag to Mystery and holding her in a choke...and there's one of those unusual thrusts. Sign in crowd reprazentin' for "MISTERY" - probably right next to the girl with the "ROIT" sign. Summer in, drawing Hernandez over...and allowing a double hiptoss behind his back. I haven't heard McLane in well over a minute and I'm getting worried. Mystery covers...2. Strange forearm to the back, punctuated by a jump...and there's another one. Sandy between the legs to make the HOT TAG! Drop toehold by Summer...going for a surfboard, but doesn't have it too long - Misery (huh? I must have missed a simultaneous tag by the Daughters) up, reversing the knuckle lock, but Summer drops down and kicks her away. Misery goes outside and Mystery comes in without a tag, only to fall to another drop toehold. Summer with another surfboard...and as Mystery fights to her feet and starts stomping, it's time to take an ad break. It's been two minutes of McLaneless television - I hope they have his mic fixed when we come back!

What the heck? AARP? Is THIS the demographic for this show?

When we come back, McLane sounds like an overdub and it's *still* a lot of solo calls from Marshall. Looks like we're in the same spot - Mystery reverses the knuckle lock, turning it around and doing some STOMPING IT IN - Misery in...but clotheslining her partner when Summer ducks! Double noggin knocker coming...oh, took too much time. Misery with a gutshot - both Daughters whip her head to the mat. Mystery back out - Misery with a running beal (sorta) - here's the first WOW CATAPULT - *FINALLY* McLane gets in a word after about three minutes - Mystery tags in - strange right - strange chop - strange punch - "martial arts," I hear. Snapmares her over - mounting her - and throttling her. Break, choke. In the corner, winding up for another strange chop. And here's a martial arts kick - and one more kick. Into the opposite corner is reversed - Mystery runs back at her but falls in a drop toehold - 1, 2, no. Marshall goes into a brief lecture about how the drop toehold may very well be Summer's signature move - ummm, she hasn't gotten a pin off it, so maybe she should pick another manoeuvre? Into the ropes, caught...and powerslammed down by Mystery. Set up for a fisherman suplex ("pump handle suplex" - what's Marshall smoking) - for...barely 1? BLEAH. That move NEVER works. Summer manages to crawl between the legs (hmm, I'm experiencing deja vu) and make the HOT TAG to Sandy! Mystery quickly gives her a martial arts kick. Whipped into her corner and Misery comes in without a tag. They take turns delivering strange blows - Summer in, somehow finding her way around Hernandez (and that ain't easy!)...only to be dispatched with ease by Mystery. Back over to Sandy - double whip into the ropes, but Sandy catches Mystery with a sunset flip attempt - she's holding onto her partner but Summer is in - one-footed dropkick to Misery to break the hold and the sunset flip finishes - 1, 2, 3! (3:28 + 3:15) Hop up and down and do the "lookit my boobies" dance, Summer! Hooray! Replay of the finishing sequence - sunset flip, wacky "flying" dropkick, 1, 2, 3. Coming back to real-time, both Daughters of Darkness grab a Beach Patrol and work 'em over on the outside...then back on the inside for some stomping and wacky closed fists. And there's the Goon...he didn't do jack.

WOW PPV ad - 4 February (8 Eastern, 5 Pacific) on iNDEMAND! The tag team finals...and so much more!

But first...this word from Cleo. Da cards dem, dey nevah lie

POISON (with Let Us Take You Back) v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW World Championship - "From the Toxic Parts Unknown, it's ... Poison." In case you've forgotten, here's a clip of Poison spitting "venom" in Terri's eyes. "Terri Gold, I got news....yer gonna lose..." Gold runs out and heads to the top for a crossbody - 1, 2, nope. Ring announcer THOMAS GRIFFIN is sent scurrying without having given an intro to the champ - come to think of it, I don't see her belt, either...I guess she doesn't plan on losing. Into the ropes, reversed, Gold somersaults under and hits another crossbody...for 2. Whip into the corner, backflip into a handspring elbow - cover, 2. Poison says "heck with THIS" and rolls outside. Poison back up to the apron...Gold decides to bring her in the hard way - scoop....and a slam. Off the ropes, running splash meets the knees. Poison whips Gold into the ropes, big right hand, big kneelift, and THE WOW CATAPULT. Camel (toe) clutch is applied...but Gold won't give up - Poison quickly goes to the hair instead. Head to the turnbuckle. And one more. Running hiptoss by Poison. Scoop...and a slam. Gold can't lose - THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Poison going up top for the double sledge...oops, Gold didn't really have a counter ready, but Poison was so confused that all she could do was land on her feet and wait for the dropkick to finally come! Gold to the top - big (go figure) crossbody lands...but not on Poison, on referee "Blind" Josh Milton! POISON PARALYZER! But there's no ref...ICE COLD comes out in the stripes, making a quick three count and raising Poison's hand! But that apparently only works when you're Patti Pep counting AGAINST Lana Star, because the bell didn't ring - Gold dropkicks Poison into the bottom rope (ouch), then dropkicks Cold out of the ring - got Poison in the corner, hiptoss out. Gold up top - and the moonsault actually (well, partially) connects! Milton staggers over - 1, 2, 3! (3:12) "Your winner, and STILL WOW Champion...Terri Gold!" Several angles of replays of the Perfect 10 - amazingly, the ring does *not* fill with children.

JULIE DAY comes to us from the dressing room. How come we never catch anybody dressing in here? "I am here with one of THE most exciting Women of Wrestling, BRONCO BILLIE. You are a modern day hero!" "That's right - and when I'm not in the ring, you can find me at the ranch, riding and roping." "Well, do you find being a cowgirl and a wrestler at all simliar?" "I sure do - especially when I think of my opponents, EZ Rider and Charlie Davidson. They're nothin' but a couple of stray calves that need to be rounded up. And Thug...is nothing but a big old bull who needs to be branded by my Double B and hogtied." "Well what about that fabulous finishing hold that you have?" "My bronco bulldog comes straight from the rodeo, and once it's applied you're down for the count." "So you're riding into WOW to clean up the ring, then?" "That's right - there's a new sheriff in town and it's Bronco Billie - and I'm looking to deputize all the children of the nation. So if you have the pride to ride, help Bronco Billie clear all the bad guys out of the ring. Yeeee-haaaaaa!" Day makes a "are we off yet?" face. Hey, Julie, given that Chris Jericho unicorn horn you're wearing, you got no right to be dissin' that girl no matter HOW blue and glittery her eye shadow is.

Log onto wowe.com NOW! Or later. They're pretty flexible about that. Coming up next: Caged Heat!

Backstage... "Fans, David McLane here, backstage at the Great Western Forum, and here comes SELINA MAJORS - Selina, what a match you had with Thug, the fans loved it, it was no falls count throughout the Great Western Forum [huh?] and the fans loved it." "That's right, David - I'll tell you one thing, I've been wrestling a long time and that's probably one of the hardest matches I've ever wrestled, but you know what, it's probably one of the happiest matches I've ever wrestled because Thug, 1, 2, 3 - I got her, David." "Let's take a look at some of that great action, fans."

Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks to the Falls Count Anywhere match - aka "A Chance for Your Recapper to Rest His Weary Fingers" - just over three minutes of clips

"What great action that was! Selina, ya gotta be happy, ya got the 1, 2, 3 after waiting ten weeks to get it." "That's right, you know revenge is sweet, and Thug - I got it - 1, 2, 3, right there in the hardest match I've ever wrestled...but the happiest, too." "You got that right...fans, stay tuned, we're comin' back with more WOW, Women of Wrestling - Selina, thanks for stopping by before you leave the arena today - take care." "Thanks, David - thank you - bye bye." "FANS, STAY TUNED!"

TANJA WARYR WOMAN and ROXY POWERS v. CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED) - "Introducing...the warrior woman...Tanja!" Tanja carries a broad sword that she must have borrowed from Danger. "Her tag team partner...the Total Athlete...RRRRRRRRRRoxy Powers!" I still have NO idea why they're teaming up, although they seem to have worked out a synchronous kick dance. "From the Nevada State Correctional Facility....Caaaaaaaaaaged Heat!" The cons do a fair job of lip-syncing to their theme. "Caged Heat is Unleashed!" Loca relieves Griffin of his mic. "Wassuuuuuuuuuuuuup...are you guys ready for a wrestling match....or a beatdown?" "Hey Loca...I think they ready for a little bit o' both. Aight...so what time is it?" "Hard time!" "I said....what time is it?" "Hard time!" "That's what I'm talkin' about." Pain and Powers start it off - Powers decides to shake her tail feathers in Delta's direction...that *can't* be a good idea, even if I *do* appreciate it. Block, drops down, fireman's carry takeover. Half kick/half trip ends up looking like a drop toehold as Delta runs at her. Very odd. Tag to Loca, who has managed to whip around her pigtails about 37 times to this point. Ducks a swing, gutshot to Powers, setting up for a big scoop....and a slam. Off the ropes, drops the elbow. Walks across her, tag, holding for an open gutshot. Snapmares her over and dares her to tag out - Tanja's kick ducked, Pain with a kick, into the ropes, grabs the hair and whirlybirds her down. Head to the top turnbuckle, and again - tag to Loca. Kick, kick, kick - Pain occupying referee "Blind" Josh Milton's attention...and there's a broncobuster-alike knee to the midsection on her way back between the ropes. Tanja into the ropes, reversed, spinning heel kick for Loca - cover...2. "She's been hit before in prison, and she's gonna get up, I can tell you that." Into the ropes, tag to Powers, hmmm...this suspiciously looks like a replay of the spinning heel kick we just saw - and so does this - the wavy lines around the edges gives it away. Guess we needed to lengthen this match a bit...or shorten it? Powers is in when we come back - Loca put into the ropes, reversal, Powers ducks the clothesline, nice shoulderblock/clothesline/something - Pain off the top with a somersault senton to break up the pin - Loca covers...but only gets 2. Tag to Pain - into the ropes, awkward powerslam. Loca from the second rope with the axehandle. Tanja isn't a fan of the doubleteaming, and tries to come in to say so, but all she manages to do is draw Milton over to HER, turning his back to the double short clothesline. Two handfuls of hair - into the ropes, ducked the double elbow, sneaks in a tag, ducked the double clothesline, rolling under the bottom rope to the outside, Tanja with a double clothesline! Got Loca by the ankles - two and a half rotations on the Giant Swing (silly Marshall, the "Big Spin" is the California Lottery show) - cover - 1, kicked out. Tanja stomps in disgust - Pain in with a blind clothesline. Loca punches Powers to the floor. Into the corner, and Tanja is brought out with Capital Punishment (aka 3D - or 2 1/2 D?) The bell mistakenly rings at 2, but Milton is good enough to count the third beat for our benefit. (3:50) David McLane says "Caged Heat advances in the tag team tournament" but, ummmm, didn't they ALREADY do that? Anyway, Tanja is tossed while Powers gets the Hard Time clothesline. They force Milton to count a 3 on Powers as well. Here's some replays for ya. And here's Loca giving Milton a big gutshot. CAPITAL PUNISHMENT! And, for good measure, (and why not, they've stolen all their OTHER moves), they hit the "Wazzup" spot. But they're not done - Pain tosses Josh Milton OVER the top rope, practically onto the barricade and he *also* folds up his neck and back like an accordion! Two SECURITY are finally out...and Caged Heat run off with the guards in close pursuit.

ThunderBox is NEXT!

And "The Immortal" is after THAT!

I pity the fool whose TV is stuck on Channel 11!

We watch Selina Majors get on the telephone...right next to the bar containing Harley's Angels are enjoying a cold one. "What's this? Selina's on the telephone. Selina - you're right there. Thug, Harley's Angels is behind you, Selina! Somebody tell Selina that Thug is behind her! Somebody TELL her! Thug! No! Oh my! Thug sneaking up on Selina - and smashing a BOTTLE right into Selina's forehead! Somebody's gotta get up there! Somebody's gotta get up into the arena! Oh no!" Actually, it was a beer mug, but why quibble. They throw Selina into one of the bar tables - it's bolted to the floor, so it doesn't budge.

Meanwhile, Caged Heat are making their way up a set of stairs - McLane tells us Security is STILL chasing them

Back to the bar where the Angels are having their way with Selina..and carrying her off to...?

Back to Caged Heat...but Security's got a hold of them

"Only a Security can save Selina Majors!" But it's still only Thug, Rider and Davidson around Majors - apparently, they're at Caged Heat's holding cell - and rammed into the cyclone fencing. While Rider & Davidson work on locking the door, Thug puts Majors on a table and works the body. They say Selina's cut but I don't see any blood...but maybe that's how they planned it. We get "security camera" footage as well. Into a chair....and head to the chair again. To the cyclone fencing one more time. Thug giving her the coleslaw technique against the mesh...not unlike a steel cage mask. All three get to stomping... and now Caged Heat and the security guard enter the picture. Caged Heat exchange a high five and start to climb the cyclone fencing, while the security guard works on unlocking the lock (and going VERY VERY slowly about it) - apparently the fencing doesn't reach the ceiling as Caged Heat have now joined Harley's Angels on the inside - where Caged Heat are offered two chairs. "Somebody help Selina! Fans, we're running outta time! Log onto wowe.com! Oh no! Something's gotta be done! Stop it! They're gonna pound Selina! Five on one - oh my!" What happens next? Well....apparently, you'll have to wait until next week...

Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (2) - I don't understand it - do pro wrestling watchers strike you as being the type to regularly come up with brand new inventions?

Coming back to Terri Gold turning a corner and heading down a hallway...and ending up in a cloud of smoke. Emerging from the cloud is Ice Cold, carrying a handheld fire extinguisher. "Hahahahahahahahahahaha - did that put your fire out, Terri Gold? Poison had her chance with you - now it's MY turn! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha..." She tries to shoot off the halon again, but it's dead. God bless her for trying. She gives up and walks off.

We're out.