QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 15/16 (- 5/16) - you have to wonder if having the pay-per-view is gonna affect the stock price are not...so far, it's not. The press releases went out last Tuesday...and *still* no volume. Given that this stock is currently tranding in penny land, however, maybe this shouldn't be seen as much of a surprise.

SPOILERS: I forgot to mention last week - not that it matters, as you'll probably see this report and last week's roughly the same time - but Clint Wolf was on hand for another part taping/part house show from the Church of WOW - access it over at http://www.CRZ.net/wrestling/misc/010120.html.

SPEAKING OF THE PPV: I'll be there - so will my brother. Last I heard, WrestleLine was trying to put together some work assignments for me while I'm there - we'll see about that. Meanwhile, I'M just hoping that having been off the antibiotics for 48 hours (by the time Sunday rolls around) I'll stop having stomach cramps. There's a pretty sexist joke in here, but this is the WOW report - besides, I'm not in the mood for it either.

This is Women of Wrestling #17, airing in most markets the weekend of 27.1.1 from the Church of WOW, the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA (taped 15.12.2K, mostly)

WOW logo - oooooooh WOW

LAST WEEK ON WOW: We were ALL surprised when Danger took advantage of a downed ref to put Terri Gold through a table...and steal away the WOW World Championship! Also, Ice Cold broke Patti Pizzazz' arm...but still went down to Lana Star's mirror. Star also get herself some of Cold's hair, thanks to the scissors. Finally, one half of the tag team finals was set when Caged Heat defeated Beckie & Billie with just a *little* help from Jungle Grrrl...

We open *this* week's show with another trip to David McLane's office. Cool, a WOW candle! Wait a minute...McLane reads WOW Magazine? Oh man, he's a LOSER. Hmm, wait, I wonder if he ever visits WrestleLine, "the official WOW Magazine online home." Har har har....anyway, here we go. Cue the quick cuts and creepy closeups! "Come on in. Summer, Sandy, what's happening? What can I do for the Beach Patrol today?" "Hi David! We have something we have to ask you." "Yaa, it's about WAA Unleeshed." "WOW Unleashed? The pay-per-view event on iNDEMAND on February 4th? Aren't you getting ahead o' yourselves? I mean you still gotta beat Harley's Angels before you go for the titles." "Wee no THOT, we're talking about the swimsuit competishun!" "The swimsuit competition is something that all of our WOW fans are gonna love." "Well, tell me what's your idea?" "Well, we want the WOW swimsuit competition to be even bigger than Miss America...and sexier than Sports Illustrated." "Well you're talkin' my language, I'm all ears - tell me." "Wall we can hav the FANZ vote for their favourite on tha Internet!" "On WOWE.COM? I love it!" "And you know what, you're gonna love *this* even more! Tell him, Summer." "Ya, cuz we've got Venus swimwear supplying all the suits." "Venus Swimwear's gonna give us the suits - free?" "Free." "It's not gonna cost me a dime?" "Nothing!" "I love it even more! The Beach Patrol, you made my day. Way to go, Summer! I love it! Thanks, Sandy! Take it easy! I love that." They go to leave. "See, I told you he'd gah far it." "I know, but I didn't think he'd put up the prize money." "I know, hah." "Prize money? Who said anything about prize money?" Can you *hear* Summer twirling her hair?

And into the ring where DAVID McLANE has magically transported! "Introducing first, the lady that loves the red carpet treatment! The self-proclaimed executive producer of this television show...the Fabulous One - the lady that loves the limousines, the champagne, and the movie star treatment...she is the beautiful, fabulous LANA STAR!" LEE MARSHALL wonders aloud if Star put up McLane to "the longest introduction in professional wrestling." "Lana Star, I notice you have something in your left hand." "I have a surprise for everybody - it's a new present - it's not diamonds - it's not a mink - it's Ice Cold's hair!" "And you're proud of this? Here, fans, is the locks of Ice Cold that Lana Star cut--" "And it's GOT split ends. Eww. Nasty. You're not that cool anymore with your new 'do, are ya? Ha! Anyway, that should go to prove to anyone if you get in my way, you're in for a close shave, that includes *you*.

THE FABULOUS LANA STAR v. ROXY POWERS - "Introducing her opponent, the total athlete...Roxyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyy Powers!" Lockup, firewoman's carry takeover by Powers. Star with the Facelift (bulldog). Going for the scissors *already*? Before she gets to cutting, ICE COLD is out - a TRENCHCOATTED FIGURE hands her a big mirror, which she proceeds to break over Star's head! Star goes down like a sack of bricks. Commentators seem to think it's a fan - I guess they let fans through *all the time* or something. Anyway, Cold says "turn around, Poison!" which kinda confirms what *I* was thinking. The reason she needs to turn around is that P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ PATTI PIZZAZZ is bounding out to attempt to help - Poison spews the venom to take *her* down. The hat and caot are off - even the commentators know it's Poison now! And now Ice Cold has the scissors...and SHE gets some good snips on Star! The rest of the REFEREE CORPS comes out to save Star. Cold finds a cameraman to talk to. "An eye for an eye, Lana Star! When you cut my hair, you went TOO far! I wanna settle this once and for all - I want a match with you - WOW Unleashed, where the loser has their head shaved *completely* bald. Can you handle that, Lana Star? Let's do it!" Hit her music! Hey....where'd Roxy go? (DQ? 0:42?) Cold brandishes the hair. "Ohhhh, poor Lana! You're gonna be bald, baby! We go to a PPV graphic...and then to our EnerX break.

JUNGLE GRRRL v. LOTUS - Here's ring announcer THOMAS GRIFFIN: "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, all the way from the Amazon Rain Forest, it's Jungle Grrrl. Her opponent: the lovely exotic flower, it's Lotus." Call me crazy, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict a win for the woman in the leopard pattern. Grrrl catches her in mid-post with a top rope missile dropkick. Hiplock takeover. "Get up!" Armdrag takeover. Scoop...and a slam. Drops down - 1, 2, no. Wedgie wedgie wedgie - into the ropes, Lotus drops down, tries a leg sweep, and when they doesn't work, goes for a schoolboy instead...and gets 2. "Lotus and Jade are scrappers" is a kind way of saying "Lotus and Jade will NEVER, EVER win." Lotus with a kick to the gut, kick to the head, dropkick. Going for another dropkick, but Jungle Grrrl swats it away. "I don't think so!" Into the ropes, full rotation on the sidewalk slam. Cover...2. Vertical suplex. Ad break time - chyron says "We're coming back AND TAKING NAMES!" Somehow...I doubt that.

When we come back, amazingly, we're practically at the same spot on the tape. Up to the top...top rope flying headbutt! Looks like she's working on the ribs - into the corner, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Grrrl walks up the ropes with no hands and springs off with a clothesline. 1, 2, Grrrl rolls off before finishing the attempt. Lotus put into the ropes, kick in the gut, pumphandle...Meltdown! Lotus put up on the top rope, right to the abdomen, again, climbing to the second rope - SUPERPLEX!! Grrrl going up to the top - it's splash time...and it lands. 1, 2, 3. (1:44 + 1:38) Grrrl unkindly tosses Lotus over the top to the floor...but BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER is also out, and a dropkick puts Grrrl out right after Lotus! She's got the mic. "Hey Jungle Grrrl. That was just a little preview of what's to come. I told you, don't mess with the Farmer's Daughter." Grrrl hits the ring...Jesse Hernandez stands between them but can he alone keep them from coming to blows? Well, we won't find out - we cut to

The Pink Pair are back in the locker room - Star has an ice pack to her head. "Lana, are you gonna be okay?" "No, that twit and that fool have gone too far this time." "It's a disgrace what they did to do - and jealousy is such an unbecoming quality!" "NO ONE assaults and cuts Lana's hair on her own show. Patti Pizzazz, this is war. We're accepting their challenge to the head shaving match." "Should I sharpen your scissors?" "No...this time we're playing for keeps." She turns on the electric clippers. "Yeah!"

It's hypin' time! "Sunday, February 4th, four beautiful women enter the WOW ring to battle for the most precious thing they own - their hair! Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison - four women, four beautiful heads of hair - and the wrestler pinned loses hers completely. That's right, completely bald! Featuring the most intriguing and beautiful women in wrestling...Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison. You've seen the name calling, the conniving, the hair pulling, everyone is taking sides but when the razor comes out it'll be every woman for herself! The wrestler pinned gets her head shaved. Few things can excite a woman as much as the idea she may lose her hair. This WILL get ugly. See it on WOW - Women of Wrestling - Unleashed! Also featuring a cage match with Selina and Thug! The rematch for the WOW World Champion as Danger faces Terri Gold! Tag team championship finals: Caged Heat vs. Harley's Angels! And, WOW unleashes the heat in the first annual WOW swimsuit competition, where you pick the winner! Sunday, February 4th, 8PM Eastern, 5PM Pacific - Women of Wrestling UNLEASHED!" Look carefully at that graphic and watch the "4" next to "February" appear and disappear...while you ponder that, let's take a moment to learn who Miss Cleo is. She's keepin' it real, yo

Hey HOLD ON A GOLDURNED MINUTE - Harley's Angels? HUH?

"Terri Gold, the first WOW Champion...declared by wrestling experts as the most thrilling women's wrestler of all time, Terri Gold! Beating all opponents that stepped up in remaining undefeated since becoming the champion of WOW. While Terri Gold thrilled fans, two destructive forces - Danger ... and Riot... destroyed opponents in their path..." "They're going to die!" "YEAH!" "...to simultaneously become the #1 Contenders for the most prestigious championship in women's professional wrestling. While Terri Gold impressed the fans with her winning ways, Danger and Riot proved how sadistic they are. Danger's actions, specifially THIS (Milton through the table) prevented Danger from becoming the top contender." Danger puts Jane Blond through a table after she saves McLane. "Danger's actions cleared the way for Riot. (Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) The match was set to begin...until THIS interruption. ... Riot's opportunity became Danger's reality. Terri Gold fought a hard match...but THIS ... proved too much for the champion. Now the champion, Terri Gold, finds herself the challenger! Sunday, February 4th - WOW - Women of Wrestling Unleashed - live on pay-per-view - don't miss Terri Gold's toughest battle to date. It's ONLY on pay-per-view, Sunday February 4th - WOW Unleashed!"

It keeps going! "Over the last six months, Thug has wrecked havoc on Selina Majors with physical violence...setting the stage for Selina Majors, the Real Deal to face Thug. Their first match proved brutal...and ended outside the ring, forcing a lumberjack match! The human cage couldn't contain these two wrestlers. With lumberjacks and audience members becoming involved, WOW promoters knew something had to be done. When Thug attacked Selina and forced her inside a holding cell, it was clear - the only way to contain the violence was by placing these two competitors inside a steel cage!" Thug: "AH'M NOT A ANIMAL!!!!!" "Sunday, February 4th on pay-per-view, Selina vs. Thug in a cage match!" Nice graphic.

And now, a word from Benny Hill (who is still dead, as far as I know)

RIOT v. BLOND, JANE BLOND - "Llllllladies and gentlemen! Introducing the Heavy Metal Muh-aniac - Rrrrrrrriot!" She's doing weird tongue stuff, she is. She's stealing the mic, she is. "Riot" chant. "Jane Blond's mission impossible is to take on the Riot. But she is about to self-destruct in five seconds because I am gonna send her back to the Queen in a box. NOBODY can beat the Riot!" "Her opponent, from Her Majesty's Secret Service...it's Blond, Jane Blond." I think she just said "Yew are guying dine, Rite." Riot checks her imaginary watch. Okay, here we go. Lockup, side headlock by Riot, STOMPING IT IN, hiplock takeover. Let's listen to McLane try to move the crowd. "Jane Blond is from Britain...and I don't know if the American fans have taken to her. In fact, I somewhat doubt it. But there's no doubt, people in this audience dislike Riot, but there's others that have taken to her. They feel a bond, some people, with Riot." Marshall: "You know, Riot is one of those people that, when she was a young woman, when she was a teenager, a young girl, a bit of a loner, nobody would have anything to do with her, and I - quite honestly David, I think maybe at times she speaks on behalf of those that feel a bit disenfranchised by society. You know it's not a perfect world for everybody; it certainly wasn't for Riot growing up, but JEEPERS, GET OVER IT ALREADY!" Wait...so, does that make her a heel or a face? "Disenfranchised by society." Hummm. All right, so what was happening that the commentators were ignoring? I'm glad you asked, let's watch it a second time. Blong kicks out, kicks out, Riot still holding the headlock - Blond counters to a top wristlock, STOMPS IT IN, side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, to the corner, Blond flips over and dropkicks Riot! Riot comes back with a legsweep. Side headlock by Riot, STOMPING IT IN, Blond powering out, shoulderblock by Riot, off the ropes, another shoulderblock, off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Riot, nice leapfrog by Blond, armbar takedown and hanging onto it. Riot has to grab the ropes to break the submission hold. Armdrag takeover by Blond when we're back in the centre - STILL working the arm. Now STOMPING IN an arm wringer, but Riot puts her in the corner...and beals her out. Dropkick by Riot. Scoop...and a slam. Riot walks over her on the way to the corner - "Riot" chant - too much time celebrating - Blond beals her back in the ring and covers for 2! Got the hair..."Jane Blond is the bomm!" We'll be generous and call it a Falcon Arrow. Going up top...but Riot stops her before hitting the top - right, right, hairpull back into the ring! Elbowdrop to the....butt? Scissoring an arm and applying the crossface - Blond grabs the rope for the break. Riot pulls her to the center. Forward somersault press - 1, 2, Blond bridges out, turning it around with a backslide for 2! Blond put into the ropes, clothesline by Riot. Up on the shoulder...and on the top turnbuckle. Right by Riot. Right. On the shoulders again...bodyslam. McLane asks us all to notice Riot grabbing her back. "I believe that could be an Achilles heel." Torture Rack!! Wiggling it in...Blond didn't give up, so Riot tossed her over her back to the mat. "Powerbomb?" Going for it, but Blond breaks it up - dropkick! "She's guying dine!" To the top rope...but Riot is up and swatting away the missile dropkick. Head between the legs again... McLane: "The fans yelling for the piledriver, but that move is banned in WOW - it's illegal." Marshall: "You think that's gonna stop Riot?" "Well, I hope, because we'd fire and throw her out." POWERBOMB! "NOW SHE'S CHOKING HER!" Easy, McLane, it's just an unusual lateral press. 1, 2, 3. (6:29) Riot tosses Blond over the top rope, does a little dance, and calls for the mic. "I just have ... a few things .... to say ... to everybody here." Well, we'll have to hear her breathe another week as WENDI WHEELS is out with a garbage can lid - WHACK! And the Blowout! Wendi gets the mic. "You may have started this, Riot, but I'm gonna be the one standing at the finish line. I suggest you get yourself a little tuneup - 'cause February 4th, we're goin' for a little ride. That's right - hardcore match, Unleased. Rev...it....up." Replay of the garbage can lid shot (with sound) and Blowout (with sound). McLane looks for a response from Riot (watch him pull Riot by the tights into the shot!) "I will accept this challenge, and I will not only beat her, but I will CRUSH her and any car that she tries to fix ever again. Wendi Wheels, you're mine, baby! You're mine and I'm comin' ta getcha!" "Fans, Sunday - iNDEMAND - order this pay-per-view event - it's gonna be hardcore - Riot against Wendi Wheels!" Hey, *I'd* like to get hardcore with Wendi - I mean, that'll be an interesting match. Ahem. Chyron says "If you leave WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU!" I don't believe that. I'd like to SEE them come after me, come to think of it. BRING IT ON! I DOUBLE DAREYA!

If your child is stupid, let Alex Trebek sort 'em out

It's strange to go from the Phonics Game to the hot sex phone lines, isn't it?

"One athlete - wholesome, homespun and All-American. One athlete - primal, tribal and untamed. Both wrestlers making their mark in WOW. Both successful. Both agile. Each competitor believing their move is the best and leading to an unavoidable confrontation. ... NEXT SUNDAY! Jungle Grrrl vs. the Farmer's Daughter in the first-ever splash match on pay-per-view!"

Riot does damage to the locker room with her bat. "Where's Wendi Wheels?"

HARLEY'S ANGELS v. BEACH PATROL in a WOW tag team tourney semifinal - "Entering the ring...it's Harleeeeeeeeeeey's Angels, led into the ring by Thug, it's EZ Rider and Charlie Davidson!" "Get outta my way - this is our house now! Harley's Angels is in the house! Wooooo! Yeah! What is this, a joke, McLane? You got us wrestling some bimbos? Come on! Lemme ask you something, Beach Patrol. You ready to go in the sand headfirst, huh?" "That's right, we're gonna make roadkill outta YOU!" "Charlie, there's no roadkill at the beach!" "Well, we're gonna turn them into ... crab... infested... corpses layin' dead in the sand!" I sense that Rider is much better on the mic than Davidson. Thug: "When Harley's Angels get through with the Beach Patrol, all they will be is Beach Bums!" "From the beaches of Sunny California, ladies and gentlemen, introducing Summer and Sandy, the Beach Patrol!" I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that the Angels take this match. Summer's breasts are truly frightening - as is her vapid face - as is her unplacable accent and wooden delivery. She'll probably kill me now. Beach Patrol decide to surprise with a double dropkick in the back. Thug and referee "Blind" Josh Milton are *still* discussing things - Thug puts an exclamation point on her point with a shove, then runs for the BP - and falls into a double drop toehold! Summer holds Thug for Sandy's dropkick! High ten and THE BUMP! Summer gets rah rah (and scary) while the Angels regroup on the outside. McLane says the Beach Patrol want to avenge their loss against Caged Heat in the early weeks of WOW - I thought that they won by DQ in Week 1, actually, but I'm too lazy to go back and check. Rider on the apron, Sandy bringing her in the hard way. Into the ropes, reversed, crossbody gets 2. Arm wringer, makes the tag before STOMPING IT IN, into the ropes, dropkick by Summer, Davidson in and Sandy dropkicks *her.* Another high ten and bump and they're *both* kinda creepin' me out now. Sandy and Davidson locking up, Davidson goes to the face, scoop...and a slam. Forearm in the back. Pickiner her back up - another forearm down. Axehandle. Into the corner, tag to Rider - they take turns with rights to the abdomen - Milton, of course, is occupied trying to keep Summer from coming in. Double pickup - and drop. I think her chest may have broken the fall. Each women gets in a kick - Rider covers - 1, 2, Summer breaks it up. Is it just me or do I hear overdubbed commentary? All four women in the ring now - Rider rakes Sandy's face - Davidson has Summer in the opposite corner. Hmmm...the overdubbed McLane is quite auidble as we head to break. "If you don't come back IT WON'T BE PRETTY!" What, Harley's Angels won't win after all? HMM.

Funny to see the USA BLONDE hot sex line in the middle of the Beach Patrol match, isn't it? I mean, what are the odds of...eh whatever.

When we come back, they're still paired up in opposite corners - double whip, Summer leapfrogs Sandy and ducks a swing from Rider, full nelson (?!) - double full nelson even - double atomic drop! Ooh, it's rowin' the boat time! Well, double wishbone, anyway. And then they do it again! Whee! Double face rake, Sandy tossed by Davidson as Rider takes Summer's head to the buckle..and again. Thug with a free shot as well. Rider with the tradmarked bronco buster - tag to Davidson. Scoop...Sandy in to dropkick her partner into a press - Rider breaks it up - they're all in again - opposite corners - double whip, double reversal and Rider and Davidson collide in the middle. But Thug is on the apron, pulling Sandy's hair down to the mat. Bodyslam for Sandy - Davidson holding her for the THUGBOMB! Davidson covers...and it's academic. 1, 2, 3. (2:34 + 2:00) Thug grabs the tag team belt (singular) from McLane and presents it to her team. Watch McLane position Thug. "Thug, these belts aren't yours yet - Charlie Davidson." Thug: "Haven't you ever heard - patience is a virtue? Those belts belong with the Angels!" Huh? "Well I'm gonna tell you something, Thug. You cheated! You helped this team win! And you're now gonna be in the finals all right, at the iNDEMAND event on Sunday, February 4th, but guess what? Lee Marshall, they gonna have to beat Caged Heat to get those belts!" Rider: "We ain't afraid of Caged Heat! You can unleash Caged Heat, but they can't get Harley's Angels down. You're gonna watch this on WOW Unleashed, McLane - you're gonna watch Caged Heat WISH they were in a cage!" "Fans, we'll find out if they can do it on Sunday February 4th, and Thug, I don't know what we're gonna do with you but we gotta do something with you." "Get outta here, David McLane!" Here's a replay of the finish...from several angles and with sound effects! McLane: "...and who's gonna be in the house as the special guest announcer? "The Brain" Bobby Heenan will be on WOW pay-per-view next Sunday! Log on to WOWE.com and get all the information! Man, you won't wanna miss it - Bobby Heenan, "the Brain" on WOW pay-per-view!"

"Sunday, February 4th! WOW - Women of Wrestling unleashed! Shocking steel cage: Selina Majors vs. Thug! A haircut match - the wrestler pinned gets her head shaved! World title rematch: Danger vs. Terri Gold! Live 8PM Eastern, 5 Pacific! Tag team championship - Harley's Angels vs. Caged Heat! Plus swimsuit contest - Sunday, February 4th - WOW Women of Wrestling...Unleashed!"

Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, EnerX, and EnerX (again)

Hey, I think I can just cut and paste! Woo hoo! "Sunday, February 4th, four beautiful women enter the WOW ring to battle for the most precious thing they own - their hair! Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison - four women, four beautiful heads of hair - and the wrestler pinned loses hers completely. That's right, completely bald! Featuring the most intriguing and beautiful women in wrestling...Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison. You've seen the name calling, the conniving, the hair pulling, everyone is taking sides but when the razor comes out it'll be every woman for herself! The wrestler pinned gets her head shaved. Few things can excite a woman as much as the idea she may lose her hair. This WILL get ugly. See it on WOW - Women of Wrestling - Unleashed! Also featuring a cage match with Selina and Thug! The rematch for the WOW World Champion as Danger faces Terri Gold! Tag team championship finals: Caged Heat vs. Harley's Angels! And, WOW unleashes the heat in the first annual WOW swimsuit competition, where you pick the winner! Sunday, February 4th, 8PM Eastern, 5PM Pacific - Women of Wrestling UNLEASHED!" At least this time they fixed the graphic...oh, there's the copyright notice.

This *must* be MY problem - I've never thought of exciting a woman by giving her the idea she may lose her hair. I'm gonna work on that - we'll see you NEXT week for HYPE CENTRAL!! SEE YA!