/18 October 2000
|Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer
The "Quest for the Giant Nut" reaches it's climax tonight for the Lightweight Division.
This is the BattleBots recap for Wednesday, 18 October 2000.
I'm your recapper, E. C. Ostermeyer.
We're just sittin' on a dock in the Bay, as all of tonight's rock'em-sock-em action is coming to you live on tape from the Fort Mason Pier in San Francisco, California.
Your hosts are ESPN/Deuce renegade Sean Salisbury, and "Don't -Stare-Directly-At-My-Glorious-Visage, Mortal!" Bill Dwyer.
Their on-floor minions are former "Baywatch" babe Donna D'Errico, a "Cloning Experiment Gone Horribly Wrong" in twin life-forms Randy &Jason Sklar, and Bill Nye ("That (70's?)Science Guy!") who's apparently been doing two-and-two's with a pint of raw ether, some WD40, and an oven roaster bag.
(Public Service Announcement: Both myself and Slash Wrestling do NOT condone doing "two-and-twos" with ANY kind of upper, downer, huffer, wheezer, screamer, slider, or anything involving natural product extracts, petroleum distillates, or kitchen utensils. Your own state of mind is your own business. If you want to get high, go out on your front lawn and spin around in a circle 'til you get dizzy and it all goes black. Don't be selfish. Why not give the neighbors a show? Let 'em know just what kind of freak they're living next door to!)
Tonight, the Lightweight Division crowns a new Champion.
Four go in.
One comes out.
The first Semifinal match is between Fon Davis' lovable mechanized kitty o' doom, Mouser Mecha Catbot, and it's opponent, a nasty little spot rivet named Alpha Raptor. Then, Das Bot does battle with Jim Smentkowski's crowd-pleasin' Backlash.
The winners advance to the finals, where the new champion will be crowned, walking away with the coveted Giant Nut Trophy, and $5000 in prize money.
The losers end up on the scrap pile.
Before we get to our first semifinal match, let's see how the Final Four got here, shall we?
Mouser Mecha Catbot outlasted Shaft (LW55), then upended Stefan Nock's No Tolerance II (LW45). Alpha Raptor stuck it to an over-matched Serial Box, squashed Dr. Inferno Jr. (LW58), and then escaped the smothering embrace of Tentomushi (LW58).
Mouser Mecha Catbot sports two dorsal-mounted 8" sawblades that project through it's carapace. It's primary weapons are the two sharpened, spring-actuated flipper/lifters that can toss an opponent into the air. Alpha Raptor has a compact, low profile design, and wields a trident attached to a lifter arm.
A short biopic of Fon Davis and his creation, Mouser Mecha Catbot follows. In it, we learn that Fon named the 'Bot after his girlfriend, (a certain Ms. Mousley), and that he likes terrorizing his neighbors, their pets, and passersby with Mouser Mecha Catbot.
"He's harmless and cute, but completely lethal!" says designer/operator Fon Davis of his diabolical creation.
Over to the ring and Mark Biero, who's introducing the principals for tonight's first bout.
Match #1: Alpha Raptor (LW56) d. Mouser Mecha Catbot (LW58), (decision on points, 3:00) Lightweight Division Semi-final bout.
We open the match with Phoenix-based Alpha Raptor going head-on right into a HellRaiser hazard. Alpha Raptor then gets in a Slam with its left front tire, and then a lifting Jab with that nasty-looking trident. A shove by Alpha Raptor sends Mouser Mecha Catbot right over the KillSaw hazard, which shoots the kitty 'Bot a good ten feet across the ring toward the other set of KillSaws. Fon Davis scoots his creation away from the KillSaws, and almost runs afoul of the RamSpike hazard in mid-arena. Alpha Raptor is stalking Mouser Mecha Catbot, avoiding those lethal flipper/lifters, and getting in a quick Jab when an opening presents itself. Which happens almost immediately, as Alpha Raptor sinks in the trident, and shoves Mouser Mecha Catbot into the KillSaws. The KillSaws chew a big piece out of Mouser Mecha Catbot's skirting, just as it breaks free and scurries away. Looks like the last attack by Alpha Raptor damaged Mouser Mecha Catbot's flipper/lifter primary weapon, and Fon Davis is down to Slams and Hazard Damage to win this match.
Still, he's game, as Mouser Mecha Catbot tries a ramming attack. It misses, and Davis' creation stumbles into the KillSaws again for some more damage. Alpha Raptor gives chase, but runs afoul of the same KillSaws, and the shrapnel's a-flyin'! Some quick sparring against the arena's SpikeStrip hazard, before Mouser Mecha Catbot backs off for another run at Alpha Raptor. This is forestalled, however, as Alpha Raptor shoves Mouser Mecha Catbot onto the KillSaws once again, and this time the steel kitty goes airborne as the KillSaws chuck it a good 30 feet or more across the arena floor, wher it lands with a crash. That finishes Mouser Mecha Catbot, as it appears to be incapacitated. The referee does the dreaded "Eight-Count-O'-Doom", but the buzzer sounds, indicating that match time has expired.
BattleStats for the match:
Alpha Raptor scored 1 Slam, 4 Jabs with it's trident, and 5 Hazard Damage points.
Mouser Mecha Catbot scored 0 Slams, 2 Jabs, and 3 Hazard Damage, before having it's drive train ripped out by the arena KillSaws.
Your winner: Alpha Raptor.
Post-match, Dona D'Errico interviews Alpha Raptor's Chuck Pitzer, who says that, right before the match, they smelled something burning from deep inside the chassis of the 'Bot, and that Alpha Raptor won the match on pure luck. Chuck's got some quick work in the shop to make sure Alpha Raptor makes it to the finals.
A shot of tourists in huge automobiles creeping down San Francisco's famous Lombard Street.
Then, over to the BattleBots pit area, where Das Bot's handlers are putting a final, lethal edge on it's lifter wedge with a grinder tool. Meanwhile, Jim Smentkowski is aligning Backlash's menacing disk.
Dwyer gives the run-down on how the two contestants got to the semifinals, with Das Bot (LW58) squashing Rott Bot 2000 (LW54) in a mere 62 seconds. Then it upended the spike-armed Shrike (LW43), and finally ripping Ziggo's (LW53) whirling blades right off their housing in under a minute and a half. Backlash (LW58) chopped up Disposable Hero (LW36), then had the arena KillSaws toss The Crusher (LW52) around just for fun. Finally, a hard-fought battle with the tenacious, ram-equipped Endotherm (LW54) went the distance, with Backlash just barely eking out a win on points.
Das Bot (LW58) using a scoop front and an actuated lifting arm, is the creation of Paul Mathus of Oakland, California. Backlash's Jim Smentkowski's j.o.b. finds him working for George Lucas, and hails from Novato, California.
Match #2: Backlash (LW58) d. Das Bot (LW58), (Knockout, 0:57). Lightweight Division Semi-final Bout.
The referees lock the arena doors, and we're underway. Oddly, Das Bot has some foam rubber packing material attached to the front of it's glacis. The padding affords little protection, as Backlash's monster pizza-cutter simply rips it away with one pass. Backlash then proceeds to rake the left fender of Das Bot with the "spinning wheel of death." It then gets in a lucky shot that flips Das Bot up on end! Only Dave Mathus' skillful deployment of Das Bot's lifting arm prevents it from "turning turtle." A shove from the lifting arm, and Das Bot topples back...
...and right over the dangerous KillSaws hazard which, thankfully, aren't deployed, and Das Bot scuttles away. Backlash is relentless in pursuit, and starts chopping away shards of Das Bot's damaged left fender. Backlash then scores a crucial Jab that lays the torque down on Das Bot's lifting arm, wrecking it thoroughly. Das Bot appears to be immobilized, as Backlash positions it's opponent's carcass over the KillSaws for yet another tremendous sawdust and shrapnel shower from Das Bot's undercarriage. As the referee counts out Das Bot, Jim Smentkowski spins Backlash in it's crowd-pleasing victory dance.
Backlash scored a whopping 9 Slams, 4 jabs, and 3 Hazard Damage.
Das Bot scored 2 Slams and 1 Jab.
Your winner, on points and by knockout: Backlash.
Post-match, Randy Sklar has winning driver Jim Smentkowski discussing what Backlash intends to do in the off-season. Jim thinks he may hire it out to a local pizza joint.
We come back to Dwyer and Salisbury haggling over which semi-finalist has the best chance of winning it all. Salisbury likes Backlash's chances, while Dwyer's partial to Alpha Raptor.
Match #3: Backlash (LW58) d. Alpha Raptor (LW56), (knockout, 1:24)
BattleBots BattleBots Lightweight Championship bout.
Mark Biero introduces the two opponents. The referees lock the arena doors, and awa-y-y-y we go!
Backlash moves right in on Alpha Raptor, who's spinning in a big circle to the right. Both opponents square off across a KillSaws hazard, each warily circling the other, keeping the nasty KillSaws between them. Whoops, Alpha Raptor gets too close, and the KillSaws eat a chunk of it's undercarriage. Alpha Raptor is just getting geared up for an attack run, when Backlash zooms in and delivers a tremendous wallop with the whirling doom-wheel, the force of which either wedges or spears Alpha Raptor head-first against the arena SpikeStrip.
It's opponent's primary weapon thus immobilized, Backlash begins a leisurely destruction of Alpha Raptor's outer hull and rear drive train, with bits and pieces flying in all directions! Dwyer hollers that Backlash is "taking the metal cream out of that Oreo!" Another massive blow from Backlash high-ports Alpha Raptor on top of the SpikeStrip. The referee blows his whistle, the buzzer sounds, ending the contest, and Backlash does the victory dance again, and rightly so!
Backlash just ate Alpha Raptor alive, scoring 6 jarring Slams, 9 really destructive Jabs, and 1 Hazard damage.
Alpha Raptor only managed to score 1 Jab before succumbing to the massive onslaught of Backlash.
Post-match, Donna D'Errico interviews new Lightweight champ Jim Smentkowski, who says he tried to make some parts fly, and succeeded his expectations.
"Awesome! Just awesome!" gushes D'Errico.
Randy Sklar consoles Alpha Raptor's Chuck Pitzer, who chalks the defeat up to his 'Bot's right drive train burning out just as the match started. "After that, I knew it was in trouble. I couldn't drive it, couldn't move it, so I made it a crowd-pleaser. I let it get destroyed."
Camera shot of the chewed-up carcass of Alpha Raptor at chuck's feet.
Sklar: "If we've learned anything from this, we've learned that people love to see sh*t flying around!"
Salisbury and Dwyer send us to the BattleBox Arena for the presentation ceremony for the winner of the Lightweight Championship, Backlash.
Jim Smentkowski holds aloft the stainless steel Giant Nut Trophy, while apparently thinking uncharitable thoughts about what he intends to do with the $5000 prize money.
Next week, Middleweights Super Orbiting Force and Blade Runner square off. Also, Hazard and Turtle Roadkill fight for a Middleweight Semifinal berth. Then, Super Heavyweight Ginsu takes on the wicked warrior, Ronin.
Dwyer closes the show with the "Championship Hit of the Week," and it's ol' Backlash ripping the innards out of Alpha Raptor.
Oh, and do not destruct or operate a robot, or lay waste your neighborhood, the town, and/or countryside without proper adult supervision.
You've been warned!
See you next week for more...
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