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/15 November 2000
Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer




"It's robot fightin' time again!" says Sean Salisbury.

This is the Battlebots report for Wednesday, 15 November 2000, and I'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer.

Let's get to it, shall we?

We're just sittin' on the dock of the Bay, in good old Ess-Eff-Cee-Aay.

Your hosts are ESPN renegade Sean Salisbury, and the first runner-up in the "Sting-as-Feyd-Rautha-Harkonnen" Lookalike Contest, Bill Dwyer.
Serving as this week's homeroom monitors are the Dark Side's answer to the Doublemint Twins, Randy and Jason Sklar. Bill Nye (SCIENCE!) is along to keep the techno-freakies under control. Donna D'Errico lends her beauty and interview skills.

Match #1: Vlad the Impaler (HW205) v. Punjar (HW203) Heavyweight Division Semifinal bout.

Short video recap of how these two brawlers made it this far. Vlad is shown tossing the hapless Tazbot II around the ring, then flipping off "Mack-Daddy the Knife" Overkill. Punjar mashed Kill-O-Amp, then took StompBot GammaTron to the cleaners.

"Pulp Fiction" video spot has various 'Bot designers attributing non-mechanical and human qualities to their creations. S.L.A.M. is likened to a "swarm of angry bees," while Overkill's Christian Carlberg says his robots are "self-centered and demanding." Pa Tilford says that "Mauler's foremost personality trait is viciousness."
You get the feeling these folks need to get out more?

Over to the be-monkeysuited Mark Beiro who's announcing the principals for this bout.

Whack! Bang! Crunch!
And away we go!
Punjar appears to be having steering problems at first, but gets things under control, just in time for Vlad to zip in and Slam into Punjar's port side. Punjar backs off, and Vlad pursues, Slamming into Punjar's starboard side this time. Punjar rounds on Vlad and starts a shoving match. Vlad slips free, zooms in, gets it's forklifters under Punjar's skirting, and shoves it into the SpikeStrip on the far wall.
Neither robot is afraid of contact in this bout, folks!
Vlad uses it's forklifters to ram Punjar into the opposite wall, high -porting Punjar on the SpikeStrips there.
From this point, it's all Vlad the Impaler until the buzzer sounds, ending the match.

Vlad scored 7 Jabs, 6 Slams, and 9 Hazard Damage.
Punjar scored 6 Jabs, 1 Slam and 3 Hazard Damage.

Your winner by decision, and advancing to the Heavyweight Finals: Vlad the Impaler (3:00).

Post-match, Donna D'Errico congratulates Vlad's designer, Gage Cauchois on his victory.


Match #2: Deadblow (MW114) v. Pressure Drop (MW173)

Canada's StompBot Pressure Drop made it to the Semi's by "unusual occurrences," landing a killing blow on Subject To Change Without Reason, after the buzzer had sounded. It's next opponent, the speedy Ankle Biter, had Pressure Drop on the ropes until it got wedged under the SpikeStrips and got an Immobility 8-Count.
Deadblow lost it's primary weapon, a rock chisel, that shattered while pounding on Alien Gladiator.
Bill Nye's with Deadblow's creator, Grant Imahara, and the rest of a grinning Team Deadblow. Nye waxes so poetic about Deadblow's pneumatics-driven weapons system ("it's a linear motion, into another linear motion, into an angular motion... ha haaaa!") that he nearly has an episode.
The match opens with Deadblow ramming StompBot Pressure Drop into the far wall SpikeStrips, immobilizing it on the spikes. Deadblow gets inside the arc of Pressure Drop's spike-tipped actuator arm, and starts pecking the hell out it's opponent.
We've got a classic "speed versus size" match here, folks.
Deadblow is able to time it's rushes by baiting Pressure Drop to swing it's spike, then zip in for another series of twenty or so rapid pecks. The match continues in much this same manner, with Deadblow landing hits at a rate approaching 120 per minute. Then, Deadblow actually mounts Pressure Drop to pound on the StompBot's primary weapon housing, the force of the collision freeing Pressure Drop from the spikes.
Pressure Drop tries to mount a last ditch offensive, staking the match on one monstrous, killing blow, but Deadblow's just too quick. As the buzzer sounds, ending the match, Deadblow backs over a set of KillSaws and goes flying across the arena.

Deadblow scored 112 "Pecks" and 2 Slams.
Pressure Drop scored only one Slam and got credit for the Hazard Damage, even though it was self-inflicted on Deadblow's part.

You winner, and advancing to the finals in the Middleweight Division: Deadblow (3:00).

Post-match, Donna D'Errico says that, next to a teenage boy, Deadblow's got the fastest arm in the west,
"Well, our pecker broke, but we fixed it, and it's erect once again!"
Comedians all, this bunch.

By the way, you might want to stop by the Team Deadblow website and check these guys out. They're at


Match #3: Minion (SHW325) v. Rammstein (SHW267).

Minion lost it's primary weapon, a gas-powered fireman's rescue saw, in it's match with Gray Matter, and was forced to use it's backup wedge weapon to slam the monster Grendel into submission. Rammstein first beat up on a hapless Abbatoir, then, in quarterfinal action, ran rings around the awesome design masterpiece Mechadon.
Biopic features Team RamTech 59, who say that the reason why they do what they do is because "chicks dig killer robots."
"When you mention Battlebots to a girl," says Team Ramtech's Alex Espinosa, "it's a panty-dropper every time!"

Mark Beiro introduces the two contestants.
Rammstein is sporting a chicken impaled on it's nasty spiked carbide steel rammer.
The match starts with both 'Bots circling each other warily, looking for an opening. Rammstein pulls back too fast and rams the safety railing. Minion capitalizes with a Slam of its own. Team Ramtech seems to be having some control problems, as Rammstein's not moving with deliberation or purpose. Minion doesn't care, and jams it's wedge under the front wheels of Rammstein, high-porting it off Minion's own carapace.
Rammstein's having trouble backing out of the corner, and Minion's not helping by piling in every chance it gets. Minion scoops Rammstein up and drives it headfirst into the KillSaws, but takes some Hazard Damage as well. Minion's just pounding away at Rammstein, who's not moving at all, now. One more KillSaw shot, but the referee stops the match, so it doesn't count.

Your winner by Battlebot knockout: Minion (1:29)


It was all Minion, with 6 Slams, 4 Jabs and 1 Hazard Damage. Rammstein scored only 1 Jab and 1 Hazard Damage before burnout.

Randy Sklar's with Team coolrobots, and their ubiquitous spokesman, Christian Carlberg. "(Rammstein) was slower, so we knew we had to out-maneuver it!"
"You are one step closer to the Nut, guys!" says Sklar.

Commercials, and weekly wrap-up.

See you next time, and remember;

Do not torment your neighbors, their children, or their pets with a Battlebot.
Without proper adult supervision, that is.
You've been warned!

E.C. Ostemeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission