You are here /wrestling
/12 December 2000
Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer




(Debut episode, Part 2)

This is Part 2 of the Battlebots season 2.0 debut for Tuesday, 12 December 2000, and I'm ol' "Rustbucket" Ostermeyer.

Part 2 of the show is being hosted, as always, by Sean Salisbury, and "The Man with the Missing Lingual," Bil Dwyer. Floor reporters are Comedy Central's answer to Castor and Pollux, Randy & Jason Sklar. Heidi Mark raises everybody's glucose level as the resident eye-candy, while Bill Nye, The Science Guy proves once again that nerds and geeks got feelings too!

We open with a slam-bang match-up between Team Vladmeisters' two-time defending Heavyweight division champ, Vlad the Impaler, and long-time rival Mjollnir. Vlad's apparently picked up some corporate sponsorship, as it's sporting a LOCTITE logo on each flank. It's still armed with that deadly titanium forklift, too. Mjollnir, created by Don Lariviere, looks like a push mower gone berserk. True to it's name, it wields a massive spiked warhammer as it's primary weapon system.

Match #1: Vlad the Impaler v. Mjollnir, (First round match, Heavyweight division.)

The box is locked, the lights are on, and
"It's robot fightin' time!"

Vlad waits for Mjollnir to make the first move before charging out of it's starting square. Mjollnir tries a couple of swings with that wicked-looking warhammer, but they both go wide of the mark. Vlad scoots in, picks Mjollnir up with the titanium forklift and rams it into the nearest Pulveriser hazard. The Pulveriser lands three whacks on Mjollnir, plus two on Vlad who fails to get out of the way in time. Vlad pins Mjollnir under the Pulveriser, which is doing a real number on the shaft of Mjollnir's warhammer. Mjollnir breaks free, and whacks Vlad a good one with it's warhammer. Vlad backs off, and right over the KillSaws, which send this 200+ lb 'Bot flying. Vlad attacks once more, is able to get underneath Mjollnir, and takes it for a scrape along the arena SpikeStrip hazards. Mjollnir breaks free again, just as Vlad gets bitten again by a set of KillSaws. Mjollnir lands two good wallops on Vlad, but misses several more. Vlad backs away, and then charges, ramming full-speed into Mjollnir. A wild swing or two, and Mjollnir moves in on the attack. Anohter errant swing lands the warhammer directly on a KillSaw for an unintended hit, and a whole load of sparks. We've got some pushing and shoving going on now, punctuated by some more wallops by Mjollnir. That Vlad's got the better driver is fast becoming apparent. Another whack by Mjollnir ends with a sickening crunch, as the shaft of the warhammer snaps off at the root, leaving Mjollnir defenseless. Ever one to capitalize on an opponent's misfortune, Vlad's driver Gage Cauchois and weapons operator Gregg Walker impale Mjollnir's carcass once more, and then ram it into the arena walls as the buzzer sounds, ending the match.

Vlad the Impaler scored 7 Hits, 1 Lift, and 2 Hazard points.
Mjollnir scored 4 Hits, 0 Lifts, and 0 Hazard points.

Winner by judge's decision: Vlad the Impaler (3:00).

Post match, Heidi's talking with Vlad's creator, Gage Cauchois, who says that ripping away Mjollnir's warhammer was lucky, and not due to skill.


Next up, we've got two of the new wave of robots. The first is a stainless steel "Hubcap from Hell" called Turbo. The creation of Miami, Florida's own Team Loki, (Eddy Ampuero and Alex Espinoza), Turbo is armed with a set of blades that spin at a high rate of speed.
Turbo's opponent, Buddy Lee Don't Play In The Street, looks like it escaped from a Toys R US. Buddy Lee is the creation of Miami's Team Fembot, and looks like a toy fire engine with a Cabbage Patch Kid as the driver. Hey, it IS a toy fire engine with a Cabbage Patch Kid as the driver!
Short biopic of Buddy Lee's creators, Team Fembot, who are sending the poor 'Bot to it's doom with NO weapons at all! This doesn't bother Nola Garcia and Mercy Cruz, who are shown working up to their elbows in Buddy Lee parts and bits. However, when it's time to kick back, Team Fembot enjoys a good relaxing stay at a spa. "Do NOT underestimate us," says Mercy Cruz, "we ARE strong, and we ARE going to kick some butt!"
Turbo's builders, on the other hand, use their 'Bot to pick up chicks. They even take Turbo cruising with them. "Turbo's a great way to start up a conversation," says Alex Espinoza. For example, Alex asks one lovely young lady what kind of robot she would build?
"Something that vibrates!"

Says it all, don't you think?

Pre-fight interview has Randy & Jason Sklar with Team Fembot, who have made some modifications to Buddy Lee. To whit, they've added a bunch of stuffed Dalmatians. Nola Garcia's figuring "the more dogs we put in, the better our chances to stump the other guys."

Match #2: Buddy Lee Don't Play In The Street v. Turbo, (First round match, Middleweight division.)

Bil Dwyer smells a massacre, as Turbo scuttles menacingly after Buddy Lee. Two hits from Turbo on Buddy Lee's right front fender, but it doesn't seem to faze the 'Bot one bit. Oops, a couple of Dalmatians just bailed out. Buddy Lee runs over one of them, much to the hilarity of Dwyer and Salisbury. Buddy Lee's continuing to take wallops from Turbo, but he's staying in close, absorbing the punishment, and ramming Turbo back occasionally. Oops, there goes a ladder off the side of Buddy Lee's fire engine. This close-quarters action has the effect of slowing Turbo's spinning blades down to a crawl, allowing Buddy Lee to get in a couple of unimpeded hits, while taking no damage in the process. There goes another Dalmatian. Sean Salisbury says we are down to 98, now.
A hit from Turbo, but Buddy Lee continues to be the aggressor, and keeps boring right in. With most of the damage confined to the right front fender and wheel, Buddy Lee adopts an old demolition derby trick of BACKING into your opponent. Using his firetruck's lift gate as a makeshift wedge, Buddy Lee backs into Turbo. There's a loud "CLANK!" and Turbo's blades are motionless. Buddy Lee rams Turbo once more, but the impact drives him briefly into the KillSaws. Minimal damage, though, and Buddy Lee goes right back on the attack. Turbo needs to be more aggressive. It now appears that, though driving on only three wheels, Buddy Lee has begun pushing Turbo around the arena. Two more ramming attacks by Buddy Lee, and the buzzer sounds, ending the match.


Buddy Lee scored 7 Hits, 1 Hazard point, and 1 Weapons point, presumably from the Dalmatians strewn all over the place.
Though Turbo scored 10 Hits, 1 Hazard point, and 2 Weapons points, Buddy Lee was clearly the aggressor!
In a major upset, the judges award the victory to Buddy Lee! (3:00)
Disgusted with the decision, Sean Salisbury thinks that Buddy Lee won over the judges with "cuteness."

Heidi's down on the floor, taunting a glum Team Loki about being beaten by a doll, that was being driven by a bunch of girls! Randy & Jason Sklar run the damage report on Buddy Lee: "You lost the ladder, you lost all the Dalmatians, you lost a tire, and probably an axle, but you didn't lose the match! An impressive win!" "We beat 'em by continually pushing forward," says Nola Garcia, "Girls rule! Guys drool!"


Our final match of the evening is an exhibition match between two Superheavyweights. Battlebots' creator Trey Roski is pitting the latest incarnation of his fearsome, buzzsaw-toting Ginsu, against Jay Leno's appropriately visaged ChinKilla. Armed with a flipper chin scoop and four whirling deathblades, ChinKilla's looking to take the fight to Ginsu right from the start.

Heidi's got her microphone shoved in Jay Leno's big bazoo. Roski and friends are also on hand, sneering and making snide comments under their breath.
"So what do you do to get ready for a match?"
Leno, deadpan, says that he does a lot of cokes, a lot of burgers.
Heidi then asks Roski and Co. what they plan to do during the match.
"We're going right for the chin!"
"Let's DO IT!" growls Leno.

Match #3: ChinKilla v. Ginsu, (Exhibition match, Super heavyweight division.)

Arena announcer Mark Beiro introduces the principals for this exhibition contest.
Ginsu looks to have picked up a whole passel of extra saw blades in the off-season.
ChinKilla's on the offensive from the start of the match, while Ginsu's busily darting in and out, looking for an opening.
"Hey! Stay away from my face!" hollers Jay Leno, as Ginsu rakes a big gash across Leno's visage on the chin scoop blade. As Ginsu backs off, ChinKilla dodges sideways, coming in on Ginsu's port side. The chin scoop goes under, then scoops Ginsu up on two wheels.
"We use the Power of the Chin, ladies and gentlemen," crows Leno, as ChinKilla rocks back and forth, building momentum. Dwyer notices a chain hanging off Ginsu's front drive train, just as the 'Bot topples onto it's right side. ChinKilla goes for a momentary victory spin, only to stop whena set of the arena's Hellraiser hazards tip Ginsu right side up. Ginsu charges right for the chin scoop on ChinKilla, doing some more chewing on the scoop's "Leno face". We've got a shoving match in progress. As Ginsu backs away for another run at ChinKilla, Bil Dwyer points out that the arena Pulveriser hazard on that side doesn't work. ChinKilla backs right over the Pulveriser in question.
On-screen cameo from Bill Nye, who describes the new "Pulveriser" hammer system. It's "twice as heavy, for twice the pulverising punch!"
Ginsu, meanwhile, gets flipped by the chin scoop, and lands athwart the inoperative Pulveriser hammer. ChinKilla moves in for some cheap hits, with Leno describing the scene as "what happens when Al Gore kisses Tipper."
ChinKilla hooks the chin scoop, and drags Ginsu across the KillSaws, then shoves Ginsu back into the arena's SpikeStrip hazard. A sideswipe from ChinKilla topples Ginsu momentarily, but the 'Bot is able to right itself using the speed of it's sawblade wheels. The buzzer sounds, ending the match.
"The chin is still standing, ladies and gentlemen," says Leno, "just a couple of shaving cuts, and that's about all!"


ChinKilla scored 12 Hits, 5 "chin" Flips, and 2 Hazard points.
Ginsu scored 3 Hits, 0 Flips, and 0 Hazard points.

The winner, ChinKilla.
"Big chin beats NO chin!" crows Jay Leno.

Randy & Jason Sklar are with the victorious Team Leno.
"Despite some minor abrasions on my 'face'," says Leno, "I've held up pretty well."
Sean and Bil recap tonight's action, which saw defending heavyweight champ Vlad the Impaler make a good start by defeating arch-rival Mjollnir. Then, in the upset of the evening, Team Loki's whirling 'Hubcap o' Doom" Turbo was out-slammed by the whimsical Buddy Lee Don't Play In The Street. Finally, Jay Leno's ChinKilla proved it wasn't all talk by defeating the fearsome Ginsu.

See you next week, as the "Quest for the Giant Nut" continues, promising lots more

"Total Robliteration!"

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission