You are here /wrestling
/26 December 2000
Battlebots by E.C. Ostermeyer





This is the Battlebots report for Tuesday, 26 December 2000, and I'm your recapper, Tech Servitor 2nd Class Ostermeyer.
This show is sponsored by the United States Army.
Who have been taking WAY too much interest in the proceedings, in my opinion.
Coming to you live on tape from the All-American Sport Park, in Las Vegas NV. Your hosts are Sean Salisbury and Bil Dwyer. Floor reporters are Randy and Jason Sklar. Eye candy is Heidi Mark. High Priest of the Machine Cult is Bill Nye, the Science Guy.

We open with a Lightweight division contest between ScrapDaddy, the buzzsaw-wielding Pride of Houston, Texas, and an upgraded Ziggo, a malevolent Hubcap O' Doom, who has gotten even nastier than last time.
Biopic features Ziggo's builder, Jonathan Ridder, who relates the tale of Ziggo's inspiration; namely, his mean-ass kitty cat, Ziggy, who used to terrorize the neighborhood. Sadly, Ziggy's in cat heaven now, but the neighbors still get no respite with Ziggy's mechanical namesake on the loose. Ridder keeps a locket containing one of Ziggy's whiskers and some cat fur. Ridder claims it gets him in the proper mood before each Battlebot contest.
The Sklar twins have Team ScrapDaddy at ringside, all of whom wax poetic about the reputed destructive abilities of their mostly-recycled- parts terror.
"What's your strategy?" asks Randy Sklar.
"Well, it's got a mean blade on the front and a scoop ramp that will turn any opponent upside down and all around."

"A classic match-up of power versus speed," says bil Dwyer.

Match #1: Ziggo v. ScrapDaddy LW55, (First round contest, Lightweight division.)

Ziggo gets cranked up to 2300 rpm and begins methodically stalking ScrapDaddy.
After quartering the ring, and herding ScrapDaddy into a corner, Ziggo goes to work. As ScrapDaddy tries to keep its scoop ramp facing it's opponent, Ziggo swoops in and rips the portside drive wheel off, causing ScrapDaddy to spin slowly in a circle. Ziggo chooses an opening, then zooms in and rips the scoop ramp off ScrapDaddy. Another attack trashes ScrapDaddy's drive train, and sends it spinning into the nearest pulveriser hammer. One referee whistle later, and Ziggo scuttles away with a win.

BattleStats: Ziggo scored 3 hit points, 1 weapons point, and a hazard point.
ScrapDaddy scored no points at all.

Winner by knockout: Ziggo (1:14)

Post-match, Heidi Mark tells Team ScrapDaddy that their robot totally sucked.
"We still love her," says Team ScrapDaddy, "and we'll put her back together,"


Christian Carlberg of Team CoolRobots shows off Overkill's 42" tempered chrome alloy steel chopping blade.

"A force to be reckoned with!" says Carlberg.

"Pulp Fiction" spot again, this time with the theme of "What's in a name?" Various designer/inventors give their 'Bot's name, and some even explain where they got the idea. Eight year old Joe Watts of the UK says that his 'Bot, Bigger Brother is the sibling of Big Brother, and that his two front teeth weren't out then. Taz creator Mike Regan says his 'Bot's name came from the habit some two-wheeled 'Bots have of spinning aimlessly in a circle, rather like the Warner Bros. Cartoon character. BioHazard's designer Carlo Bertocchini says his 'Bot was named because of the convenience and availability of the biohazard stickers. John Reid's 'Bot Killerhurtz derives it's name from a play on words of "kilohertz."
"It kills, and it hurts," says Reid with an evil smile.
Bil Dwyer runs the fight card for the next match between Overkill and Frostbite. Frostbite features an invertable design and a hinged snowplow blade. Overkill's got the mother of all chopping blades and a wedge.
Bill Nye interviews Christian Carlberg of Team CoolRobots, who says that he got hooked on Battlebots when he attended an early 'Bot-fest in San Francisco in 1995. "People at home are watching this," says Carlberg, "and thinking 'I can do that!' Well, they can; they just need to get started!"
"Great advice, Christian," says Nye, "Good luck out there. Saw 'em up!"

Match #2: FrostBite v. Overkill, (1st Round matchup, Heavyweight Division.

We've got action from the get-go, as Frostbite goes right after Overkill. Dwyer says that Overkill's wedge front design makes it twice as dangerous. Overkill's front wedge gets under FrostBite's front wheels, halving it's traction and driving it onto the SpikeStrip hazards. Overkill lands a couple of clanging whacks with the chopper, and frostbite scuttles away, running over the KillSaws in the process. Another trip over the KillSaws upends FrostBite, but the invert design saves it once again. FrostBite submarines under Overkill, piggy-backs the 'Bot, then rams Overkill into the arena wall. Overkill breaks free, but runs afoul of the KillSaws, which flip it over. FrostBite capitalizes, and rams Overkill into the SpikeStrips. A squeal of tires, and Overkill escapes again. Salisbury says that Frostbite is being very methodical, picking it's openings. Dwyer says that FrostBite's four wheelchair motors provide independent drive capability to each wheel, and as such, it's got all-wheel drive.
We get a lot of circling and dodging, as each 'Bot looks for the chance to score the big hit. It's hard to see how well FrostBite is doing, unlike Overkill, who's scoring points every time the blade makes contact. But it's FrostBite who appears to be the aggressor in the later stages of the bout, jamming Overkill against the arena wall once again. Both 'Bots are going at it hammer and tongs as the buzzer sounds ending the match.

Though Overkill took the fight to it's opponent, FrostBite was clearly the more aggressive of the two, continually boring in, and scoring points every time it rammed Overkill with it's snowplow blade.

BattleStats have Overkill scoring 19 hit points, 3 hazard points, and 0 pin points. FrostBite scored 15 hit points, 2, hazard points, and 2 pin points.
The three judges at ringside, clearly impressed with frostbite's 2 pin points, and aggressvie driving, score the bout as a close split-decision, 23-22 for FrostBite. (3:00)
Post-match, Team CoolRobots is philosophical in defeat. "We respect the judges' decision," says Christian Carlberg, "no matter how wrong it is!"


We are admonished to not construct or operate a Battlebot without adult supervision.

Our next bout is another lightweight smash fest between Mouser Mecha Catbot and the stainless steel low-rider, Sallad. Bil Dwyer gives the stats on the combatants.
Dallas Goecker's Sallad has a lifting arm as it's primary wepaon system, and is another invertable design. "It can flip, ram, or throw any opponent," says Dwyer. Mouser Mecha Catbot, a favorite from Season 1.0 has returned in upgraded condition. Designer Fon Davis has mounted a carbide steel pickaxe "tail" in place of the aft carapace buzzsaw. The flipper-lifter blade primary weapon system has been improved as well, getting a powerful pneumatics upgrade.

Match #3: Mouser Mecha Catbot v. Sallad, (1st Round matchup, Lightweight Division.)

Sallad, being the lighter of the two 'Bots, zips across the arena, going full-tilt after it's opponent. Mouser Mecha catbot nimbly ducks to one side, and Sallad hits the wall. Recovering Sallad gets in close, but has a problem getting it's lifter arm under the skirting of it's opponent. Sallad circles around behind Mouser Mecha Catbot, and gives it the bum's rush right into the KillSaws. Mouser Mecha Catbot escapes the KillSaws, but Sallad is waiting to deliver a series of hammer blows with it's lfting arms. Mouser Mecha Catbot responds by repeated flips of it's front lifters. The close-quarter brawl continues, with both 'Bots run afoul of an arena pulveriser hazard. Mouser Mecha Catbot strikes with it's pickaxe tail, as Sallad strikes back with its lifter arm. Another flip from Mouser Mecha Catbot, and Sallad's nearly turned over. Both 'Bots get entangled on top of an arena HellRaiser hazard. Mouser Mecha Catbot gets in one too many hits with the pickaxe tail, and gets it jammed in Sallad's starboard drive housing. Unimpeded by this, Sallad promptly drags it's opponent towards the nearest pulveriser. The first wallop by the pulveriser puts a big, pulveriser-shaped dent in Mouser Mecha Catbot's carapace. Sallad just keeps Mouser Mecha Catbot under the pulveriser. The pulveriser just about flattens the port side of Mouser Mecha Catobt's carapace, as the referee reaches the end of his "Eight Count o' Doom," stopping the contest.
BattleStats: Sallad scored 12 hit points, 0 lift points, and a whopping 9 hazard points, mostly from the pulveriser doing it's work.
Mouser Mecha Catbot scored 11 hit points, 2 lift points, but only 1 hazard point.

Winner by knockout: Sallad (2:46)

Post-match, the Sklars have Fon Davis, who says that Dallas Goecker added a little "tooth" to his lifter arm, which enabled Sallad to get under Mouser Mecha Catbot's skirting.
"Looks like your pussy took a good lickin'," says Jason Sklar.
Davis cracks up.

Dwyer reviews tonight's three bouts, with Ziggo, FrostBite and Sallad moving on.
For ScrapDaddy, Overkill, and Mouser Mecha Catbot it's back to the old drawing board.
Hit of the Week is Mouser Mecha Catbot getting hammered by the pulveriser.
"These contests are getting more and more brutal," says Salisbury.
"It's a beautiful thing," says Dwyer.

See you next week for more

"Total Robliteration!"

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission