|WWF Byte This! by E.C. Ostermeyer
This week, on a very special Holiday WWF Byte This! Dr. Tom Prichard is filled with Christmas cheer, Droz is filled with Christmas spirit, AT&T's long distance service is filled with WWF wrestlers wishing each other Merry Christmas, The Rock's swimming pool is filled with Tazz, (careful, Rock, he'll leave a ring,) and Terri Runnels' new bikini top is filled to overflowing.
Howard Finkel's full of himself.
Kevin Kelly's just full of baloney.
Me? I'm Trixie the Christmas Pixie, newly graduated from that diploma mill ol' man Hogwart's been running ever since Ringling Brothers fired his ass.
The Claus is getting' ready for his big run this Tuesday night.
Guess who he got to fill the coal orders for all the bad boys and girls?
Fatboy even made me pay for the shovel, too.
We begin this very special edition of WWF Byte This! with hosts Kevin Kelly and Dr. Tom Prichard each wearing a $1.99 Santa hat.
On the chyron behind them we've got a huge picture of an un-hatted and dyspeptic Paul Heyman, with "Merry Christmas" written across his forehead.
It's a BIG forehead, too. We're talking acreage here.
Kelly calls it The "Skullet." Ho ho.
Lots of fun on today's show, since resident wet blanket Howard Finkel is down in Florida for tonight's Raw taping, and will be communicating by cell phone throughout today's show.
First up is the return of Ray "Big Bossman" Traylor to the ranks of the WWF.
Yeah, as thought they don't already have more than enough wrestlers in the locker room. Wonder if he's learned a new move while he's been gone? That'll bring his total move repertoire to, what, eight? Or nine, counting that chair shot he used on ol' Stone Cold.
Maybe his return signals that the WWF is trying to showcase who'll be available when the proposed roster split occurs?
Anyway, Kelly waxes ecstatic about Bossman's return.
Dr. Tom' less than enthusiastic about it, and Kelly's excitement deflates like a punctured whoopee cushion.
Droz (Darren Drozdov) is up next with "Two Cents," his signature weekly review of all things WWF.
Droz has heard that Kelly and Dr. Tom are in a festive mood, what with the Santa hats and all.
Kelly says they will wear the Santa hats through the entire show, even though they are hot as hell.
Over to the chat room, where the chat-roomers are still going on about Byte This! producer Big Country's mom.
"Merry XXX-Mas to Big Country's mom," reads one of the milder entries.
Droz wants to know the progress report on having Big Country's mom on the show?
This prompts and unscheduled appearance by the big guy himself, who's really p.o.-ed with all this stuff about his mom. Again.
"You talk about my mother like she's some piece of meat?"
Kelly tries to change the subject.
"What are some of your fondest Christmas memories, Droz?"
"How about Steve Austin giving Santa a Stunner?" laughs Droz, "or DX scaring the fans with a west-end salute?"
"Or how 'bout having a big-breasted girl go to confession?" sniggers Kelly.
Over to the Byte This! Santa Claus for his rendition of "Jingle Bells."
Or not, as the Claus has apparently forgotten most of the words and appears to be winging it, to the general hilarity of Droz, Dr. Tom, and Kelly.
"Brutal! Just brutal!" chokes Kelly. Dr. Tom can barely speak; he's laughing so hard.
"What's on tap for the holidays at your house, Droz?"
"We're going to my parents, relax and celebrate Christmas," says Droz.
Dr. Tom asks if Droz saw Smackdown?
"Yeah," says Droz, "it was good to see the Bossman return, though I didn't like the way they handled it. Still, they had to bring him back somehow, so I guess that was as good a way as any.
"Mr. McMahon's apparently protecting Booker T and Chris Jericho," continues Droz, "and he doesn't care who he uses to get the job done. He's gonna make Austin jump through hoops with all the people he's up against."
"What about Jericho being able to hold onto the Unified Title?" asks Dr. Tom.
"Looks like he's determined to do just that." Says Droz, "by any means necessary."
Topic shifts to tonight's Raw taping, and how it will affect the wrestlers.
"They're looking forward to spending the holidays with their families," says Droz, "so it'll be a big boost for everybody's enthusiasm. Since the show will be broadcast on Christmas Eve, they'll make it a good one for the fans, with lots of action and excitement."
"Well, the Main Event for the show is The Rock going after Chris Jericho's Unified Title," says Kelly.
We take a break from the live festivities with a Holiday Blast from the Past clip shows the 1997 vintage Steve Austin giving the Stunner to Santa.
When we come back, Kelly is asking Droz about Shawn Michaels' appearance on WWF Excess this past week.
"Since it doesn't look like we'll see Shawn in the ring anymore," says Kelly, "what do you see him doing in a non-wrestling capacity?"
"HBK freakin' RULES on the mic," says Droz, "commentary, interviews, spot work, whatever he does, the fans go wild when they see him. He's got this 'presence,' you see, just a great asset to the company."
"Who's Superstar of the Year, Droz," asks Kelly.
"Rob Van Dam, without any doubt," says Droz; "he hit the WWF scene with a bang, and just keeps on coming."
Droz leaves the show, with lots of "Happy Happys" all around, but gets cut off in mid-"Happy."
Over to Howard Finkel, who's in Florida, backstage with the rest of the WWF talent roster.
Here's Harvey Whippleman, who wishes everybody a Merry Christmas, but disappeared because he's busy as all get out.
Terri Runnels is next. Dr. Tom asks if she's wearing her elf costume like last year. "Actually," says Terri, " I'm wearing a little nothing of a bikini, because it's really hot down here. I've got on as little as possible."
Kelly starts making gurgling sounds
(Somewhere in South Georgia, Dustin Runnels is pounding his 'Christmas Cheer'-addled head against a wall.)
Terri tries to stir Kelly up some more, but loses the phone to Bradshaw, who's trying to
rip her clothes off.
Kelly asks Bradshaw how he intends to celebrate Christmas.
"Me and the missus are gonna get drunk together!" bellows the big Texan.
"Lucas says to tell you hello, and Merry Christmas," says Kelly.
"Tell Lucas he can do something for me that I can't do for myself," hollers Bradshaw, who appears to be filled with the liquid form of Christmas Cheer, "tell him he can kiss my ass!"
More attempts at Christmas carols from the Byte This! Santa, until Kelly and Dr. tom holler at him to shut up.
Back to Fink, who's got Tajiri on the phone. Tajiri seems to be really enjoying himself, and volubly says so, but in Japanese. Torrie Wilson is next, who says she'll be in the big "Eggnog Match" tonight, skimpy Santa suit and all.
"I'm gonna be licking it off Stacy all night," says Torrie with a giggle.
Kelly's gurgling away like a coffee maker.
Fink gets the phone back, only to lose it to Tazz, festively dressed in the Christmassy colors of orange and black(?)
"I wanted to do this phone schtick thing from The Rock's pool," says Tazz, "but he hollered at me wanting to know how I got in, and what the hell I was doing in his pool? Then he called the cops. Such a shock."
Tazz disappears rather abruptly, and Fink returns with this week's "Outthink the Fink."
It's a three-parter, with the winner getting a new Rock T-shirt.
The WWF did a movie once, and, not surprisingly, had a wrestling match in that movie. What was the movie's title, what was the match, and who participated in it?
Next on the phone is Pat Patterson (where's Chris Hyatte when you need him?) who wishes everybody a Merry Christmas.
Kelly wants to know Pat's thoughts on Chris Jericho's improvement this year? Patterson says he can't hear, there's too much noise.
(Well, he really said the "R" rated version of 'too much f-ing noise,' which galvanizes both Kelly and Dr. Tom like a couple of lab frogs hooked to a car battery. Much guilty looking around by the two hosts, while Big Country can be heard off camera making gurgling noises of his own.)
Kelly, recovering somewhat, says that Jericho's gotten a lot of votes for Superstar of the Year. Patterson's not surprised, saying Jericho's proven he's good to go.
As Patterson says his goodbyes, we get to hear from pro-wrestling legend Rocky Johnson, father to The Rock, who wishes everybody a good Christmas.
Spike Dudley's next, still walking around after his run-in with the Undertaker.
Well, limping, really.
Kelly wants to know how Spike can take so much punishment and still come through.
"I guess it's my natural ability," says Spike. "With my lower weight, I don't hit or hurt as much as if I was 300 lbs or more. Plus, I'm luckier than most."
Spike wishes the fans a Merry Christmas, and we go from the lightweights to the super heavyweights, as Rikishi gets on the line. Fink says this guest never thinks about going ass-backwards.
Kelly wants the big man to give Pat Patterson a stinkface for using the f-word usage earlier on today's show.
Kelly then turns to how well Rikishi's recovery program turned out.
"We were afraid you wouldn't be back," says Kelly.
"Why come back if you aren't 100% in this business?" retorts Rikishi. "You gotta be fully ready before you come back. Nobody keeps this big man down."
Rikishi hasn't heard the end of stink-facing Vince McMahon; the locker room has been ribbing him something awful, but he's having a good time with it all.
Rikishi leaves, and we next hear from Jimmy Korderas, WWF referee and Canadian.
"MY favorite Canadian referee," says Dr. Tom.
"I thought I was the only one?" says Korderas with a laugh.
"You celebrate Boxing Day in Canada, right?" asks Dr. Tom.
"Yeah, it's one of the biggest holidays of the year," says Korderas. "Boxing Day sales get you everything at half price."
Fink gets back on the phone, and introduces the Brooklyn Brawler! The Brawler says he's doing Christmas at WWF New York because it's all on the house... no no, really it's a great place to go! Brawler's duties for the taping tonight include keeping the pre-tape room in line, and working with the "Make a Wish" folks.
Fink introduces WWF cameraman Bubba Dean, who's taking a break from the hustle and bustle of getting a show out. (Bubba Dean is the guy who tapes the backstage interviews, and does all of his work prior to, as well as during the broadcast. Talk about busy!)
Trish Stratus is next, Dr. Tom's favorite Canadian WWF Women's Champion. Trish says that she's been really busy since she returned from her injury. "I've wrestled on every show since my return, all but the one where Vince got to kiss Rikishi's ass!"
"Your back must be bothering you a lot these days, Trish," says Kelly.
"How so?" says Trish.
"Having to carry Coach (Jonathan Coachman) every week on WWF Excess," replies Kelly, and everybody gets a laugh out of his 'bon mot.'
"I may be putting my "burden" down," laughs Trish, "because Terri may be stepping in. Terri wants my job over on Excess."
"Who's the most obnoxious Canadian in the WWF right now, Trish," asks Kelly half -seriously. "It's Test, isn't it?"
"He does take the cake," says Trish, "doesn't he?"
Kelly mentions Wrestlemania in Toronto this year, and Trish is very excited about it. She wants to defend the Women's Championship at Wrestlemania.
Trish leaves, and Arn Anderson gets on the line, saying how great it is to be working for a professionally run company like the WWF.
"Everybody in this company has a passion for what they do," says Arn.
Kelly asks about which WWF wrestlers stand out to Arn?
"Of course, there's The Rock and Steve Austin," says Arn, " but nobody's career has taken off like Kurt Angle's. Two to three years is all it's taken him, where some people have taken six to ten years or more, and that's working 280 days a year, too."
Dr. Tom says that Angle is a natural, and he's willing to learn on top of that.
Arn calls Angle a phenomenon, a real phenomenon in sports entertainment.
Kelly wants to know Arn's thoughts on Ric Flair's return to the WWF.
"Having him around once again must be great for you," says Kelly.
"He's from my era," says Arn, "the only one left from that early era of WCW. Booker T's doing a good job, but Flair is, well, Ric Flair!"
"How're you celebrating the Holidays, Arn?"
"I'm gonna celebrate it by doing whatever my four-year-olds let me," says Arn with a laugh, and leaves the show.
Fink's back on the line with the answer to today's "Outthink the Fink."
The movie: "No Holds Barred."
The match: "Steel Cage."
The participants: "Hulk Hogan, Zeus, Brutus Beefcake, and Randy Savage."
D-Von Dudley's on the phone.
Kelly asks how his new son is doing?
"Just fine," says D-Von, "my whole family is enjoying life, Kev."
"Anything special planned for Christmas this year, D-Von?"
"Bubba Ray and I are going to the Dudleyville Home Depot," says D-Von, "we're taking the Dudley family credit card and buying a buncha tables. Next we'll set them up in front of our house, and then grab some poor sucka off the street and put him through the table!"
(Looks like my Christmas visit to Dudleyville gets cancelled once again.)
Michael PS Hayes is next. Kelly and Dr. Tom get the Byte This! Santa to sing "Bad Street" to Hayes, who leaves the show in disgust.
Time for the giving of gifts. Kelly gives Dr. Tom a bottle of blond rinse. Fink's got some snide comments about that.
Dr. Tom got Kelly a bottle of Stacker Two, and boy, does Fat Kev need it!
"What's my gift?" asks Fink.
"Oh, we both got you a Pepsi," laughs Kelly.
Fink has one more guest, and it's Molly Holly.
"You been saving citizens, there, Molly?" asks Dr. Tom with a laugh.
"Yeah, it's been great," says Molly.
Molly talks about her quest for the Women's Title, and says that Trish Stratus is an able and worthy Champion.
As the show begins to wrap up, Fink brings on the Original Teddy Long!
"You cannot go wrong with Teddy Long!" declares Kelly.
"Preach out, brothuh!" says Dr. Tom.
Teddy's not doing much this Christmas, mainly spending time with his family.
"Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year to you, Teddy," says Kelly.
"Yeah, and they bettah be sugah free!" declares Long.
Fink winds things up for this week's show by shilling for several of the upcoming WWF House Shows, and we close this very special Holiday edition of WWF Byte This! with a clip of Degeneration X showing their asses on national TV.
Ain't exactly Rudolph, or the Grinch, but I gotta admit...
This means Christmas to me!
Have a Happy!
See you next week.
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