|WWF Byte This! by E.C. Ostermeyer
This is the WWE Byte This! report for Friday, 9 August 2002, and I'm E.C.
are preceded by a video of the Hogan/ Lesnar match last Thursday night on Smackdown. Say what you want about Hulk Hogan, this guy is on his game every time he gets in the ring, just selling the heck out of whatever move his opponent tries out on him.
Heckuva match, folks.
Just classic Hogan.
Hosts Kevin Kelly and Dr. Tom Prichard discuss Lesnar's victory over Hogan, and what The Next Big Thing's got in store for The Rock at SummerSlam.
Today's show has Chris Kanyon talking about his health problems and WWE Diva and resident sex expert Terri holds her first sex clinic live on the show today.
Also, we've got a new segment "Outwit the Twit," where the viewers can call in and win prizes for outwitting the resident WWE Rain Man.
Time for Droz's Two Cents, Darren Drozdov's review of all things WWE Raw.
Droz says that Victoria's debut puts another very capable opponent for Trish Stratus and Molly Holly. "This is a great time for Women's wrestling."
Dr. Tom says Victoria was poised and calm in her opening bout on Smackdown.
Kelly changes topic to the rumors of Ric Flair running for governor of North Carolina.
Droz says that Flair could add some "flair" to the government. "They need somebody to stir things up," says Droz, "and who better to do that than Ric Flair."
Kely wants to know if Molly Holly was really a virgin?
Droz says that rumor has it that Molly didn't get kissed until Spike Dudley kissed her.
On to the HHH heel turn, where Droz says that he's expecting a street fight between HHH and Shawn Michaels. They are entertaining," says Droz, " but they are hell on your body. I don't know if HBK can take it physically, but he's sure gonna take something to HHH."
Dr. Tom says that HBK's got something to prove to the fans; that he still can fight, "for pride and love of his family."
As Droz leaves, Kelly sets up for the "Outwit the Twit" segment.
"Make your questions hard as you can, " says Kelly, " because our resident twit, Stevie Batts (sp?) will crush and degrade your pitiful efforts! Hahahahaha!"
The chyron shows a really scared Stevie Batts, who looks like he'd rather be anywhere else but right here.
Andy from Michigan is first up to try and "Outwit the Twit." Kelly mocks Andy's ability, saying that Stevie Batts has "Mensa" written all over him.
"Who was the winning pairing in the final Survivor Series match?"
"Uh," says Stevie, "I have no idea..."
"Jeez!' says Kelly, I don't believe this! This REALLY sucks!"
"What's the answer Andy?" asks Dr. Tom.
"I don't have the tape..." says Andy, "I thought it was 'Good Guys and Bad Guys..."
..." The YOU don't Outwit the Twit, do you?" sneers Kelly, and hangs up on Andy.
Next up is Rob from New York wants to know what record "The Scorpion King" broke?
Batts comes up zero once more, panics and tries to claim a technicality, then gets shot down again.
"Dammit!' says Kelly in disgust.
Rob says that it was the "Biggest Opening ever in April," so Rob "Outwits the Twit."
The final contestant is Brad from Newfoundland, Canada.
"At Wrestlemania 6," say Brad, "Hulk Hogan and Brutus the Barber Beefcake faced Irwin R. Shyster and The Million Dollar Man. Hogan began the match with a cut over his eye. How did he get it?"
Kelly says he doesn't like the question. Neither does Batts.
Brad "Outwits the Twit" once more, (Batts goes 0 for 3 in his first outing) and says the answer is that Hogan dropped a dumbbell on his eye.
As Brad gets shunted to the Prize Pickup line, Kelly berates Stevie batts for his lousy performance.
"I couldn't help it, " whines Batts, "the studio lights are too bright. I was intimidated being so close to Kevin Kelly. The questions were too hard..."
"You aren't really a wrestling trivia expert, are you?" exclaims Kelly accusingly.
"We-l-l-l-l..." says Batts.
"Get off my show!" says Kelly.
Anyway, it's time for "Tales from the Hook," Tazz's review of all things Smackdown.
"Okay, look,' says Tazz, " right out of the box you got a problem. This Matt Doody guy doesn't know how soon he should call me back. When I tell him to 'call me RIGHT back," I don't mean fifteen minutes later, I mean within two minutes!"
"Duda says it was more like three minutes, Tazz," says Kelly, "so what's the problem?"
"(!)... okay," growls Tazz, " I sometimes show up in that studio up there in Stamford (CT), and if ol' Doody's there, I'll see that he "makes a buck!"
Kelly asks if Hogan has anything left after Lesnar got done demolishing him last Thursday night.
"Lesnar really is the Next Big Thing," say Tazz," he's gonna be the biggest threat to the People's Champ ever. Rock needs to get as focused as Lesnar is on defending that Undisputed Title. Spike and I wrestled Lesnar and Bautista seven months ago in a Dark match, and Lesnar is just phenomenal as a legitimate athlete. He's relaxed, and he's focused on one goal only, and that's Rock's Title belt."
Tazz goes on to say that Smackdown has a younger, more energetic feel, whereas Raw has a more established feel. "Raw, being on cable TV, is edgier, while Smackdown is handcuffed by the Standards & Practices bunch."
Dr. Tom gets a laugh out of Tazz watching Nidia taking Michael Cole's cherry on a Thursday night, and Tazz says that it was just what America wanted to see,, which cracks everybody up.
Tazz leaves, and Kelly remarks on how much the Byte This! producers always seem to have heat with Tazz.
Dr. Tom shills for Maxim Hair Color for Men, with the new "Red Rum" tint.
"I've seen "The Shining," too, Tom," says Kelly.
At the request of a Canadian fan, we see the uncut video from Raw where Lilian Garcia gets squashed big time by the Island Boys, and all because Raw GM Eric Bischoff "wasn't entertained" with the banter.
Besides, their fuss-fighting "has gone on too long, about... three minutes too long!" says Bischoff.
Good ol' JR and Jerry Lawler re-show the clip about four times. Man, can Lilian take a bump or what?
Dr. Tom says that the "Crash TV" aspects of today's Byte This! show are bothering him.
Kelly says he's unconcerned, and like the way the show is paced.
Dr. Tom says that Stevie Batts ought to get drunk before he gets on the show once more.
Next up is Chris Kanyon, recuperating from a dislocated shoulder gone really bad.
Kanyon says he got the shoulder dislocated working an Heartland Wrestling Association house show in what sounds like a real barn of an arena. He landed wrong, and the schmutz on the floor got ground into to the shoulder area where the bruising from the dislocation was, and got it infected. But he still kept wrestling on it.
The infection turned into an abscess on his upper left arm about six inches long by three inches wide, and had spread throughout his system so quickly that his blood oxygen level dropped from a normal 95% to 41%. He literally couldn't breathe.
Kanyon was rushed to the hospital and placed in the Intensive Care Unit where he was given massive doses of antibiotics to kill off the infection. The abscess on his arm was cleaned out and left as an open wound for proper drainage.
We get a shot of said open wound courtesy of Kanyon's website.
Kanyon's holding a dollar bill up along side this gash in his upper left arm to give us viewers a sense of scale.
Yikes! That thing must hurt like a bastard!
"Having something like this happen to you makes you sit back and think," says Kanyon, "it gets your priorities straight. When the look on the doctor's face says "scared," that's when you get really scared!"
Dr. Tom says that it was Kanyon's "Old School" mentality that kept him from taking himself to the hospital earlier than he did.
Kanyon says that his friends took him after he became incoherent and started drifting off in delirium.
Kelly asks if the WWE's downsizing had anything to do with Kanyon continuing to wrestle with his injury?
Kanyon says that was part of the reason, seeing as how the good push he got off the "WCW Invasion" evaporated when he hurt his knee. Then, just when the knee got better and he was getting ready for his return to the WWE ring, this thing had to happen.
"When business is down," says Kanyon, "you work harder. I was in the best shape of my career before I got hurt. The WWE doesn't fire you just because you are hurt. I got some of the best treatment from the WWE when I got hurt. I feel like I owe the company now since they supported me while I was hurt, and then while I was training. They want you to improve and get better."
Caller John from Florida wants to know what Kanyon's goals are long-term, in spite of the injuries he received?
Kanyon says everything happens for a reason. The Invasion was still going on when Kanyon left. "If Rey Mysterio came in when the rest of us did back then," says Kanyon, "he wouldn't have gotten the huge pop he has by waiting until now."
Jason from Massachusetts asks if some of the other superstars were there to support him while he was rehabbing from his injuries?
Kanyon says that HHH was still rehabbing in Birmingham AL when Kanyon went in for surgery.
"We'd rehab from 9 to lunch," says Kanyon, "then we'd rehab until six, and he'd drive me home. Then he'd go back and work out until ten PM or so. He's a phenomenon!"
Dr. Tom asks Kanyon about Eric Bischoff being in WWE.
Kanyon says that he should have showed up sooner, like during the WCW Invasion; "It would have made more of an impact," says Kanyon, "plus it would have legitimized the WCW brand name in the eyes of the WWF fans who were being introduced to a whole new crop of wrestlers from the "Other Promotion."
"I thought at the time he was almost too cool to be a heel, " says Kanyon, "but he's doing a great job, especially with Stephanie McMahon."
Kelly says that the fans have always liked Kanyon because it always seems like he's out there having fun.
Kanyon laughs. Saying that he has fun in the ring
Every chance he gets. He especially liked the DDP skits he pulled.
Kanyon also thanks Jim Cornette of OVW for calling and checking up on him, even though Cornette's mom passed away recently.
"Everyone has been so helpful and supportive," says Kanyon.
Dr. Tom says that a lot of the "Amateur Class" guys really appreciated Kanyon helping them out.
"These young guys look forward to being double-booked," says Kanyon, "they motivated me to get back in the ring as soon as possible."
"And that would be...?" asks Kelly.
"Well, the doc says he doesn't want me to wrestle until the wound fully closes and heals up," says Kanyon, "them it'll be at least two more weeks before I can get back in the gym. I'll let you know when and where."
Kanyon leaves, as Kelly and Dr. Tom shill for Ohio Valley Wrestling.
Kelly says that they are currently taking donations for Stevie Batts' brain transplant.
Don from New York, a regular caller, says if Brock Lesnar slaps that bear-hug on The Rock at SummerSlam, the Rock loses the Title.
Don also asks if Big Country's Mom was the one who knocked out Antonio Inoki in that shoot-fight last night?
ESPN Classics last week featured Dr. Tom and Colonel Buck Robley from the San Antonio territory in 1981!
Dr. Tom is p.o.-ed that ESPN couldn't find a newer clip of his matches than that, and that the match was not "Classic" by a long shot!"
Live on the phone is Terri Runnels, WWE's resident sex therapist and Diva Extraordinaire!
Terri says she thinks there should be a "Doctor" in front of her name, what with a build-up like that!
Terri also says that she misses working with her colleague Dr. Tom, wearing the white coat and adopting an air of compassionate concern.
Dr. Tom wants to know why Terri always wrestles in her panties?
Terri says that, in her case, when she's to be a pugilist, that's the company uniform! This gets a long, leering laugh from the Byte This! studio audience.
Kelly says that Terri has "Changed Men's Lives" when she walks to the ring.
Dr. Tom says that Terri "Changed HIS Life" just climbing through the ropes, saying hello to everybody.
Terri giggles most fetchingly, and thanks everybody for their kind thoughts.
Kelly asks if Teri has a name for... "Them!"
"Uh, yeah," says Kelly, " You know... "Them."
"Well," says Terri, putting Kelly deservedly on the spot, "I want to hear what your name for "Them" is, Kevin."
"You know," says Kelly, who is casting about for a way to put his question delicately, "the...uhhh...!"
"The parts of you that hang over the ropes when you climb through," says Dr. Tom, giving Kelly "The Look" once again.
Oh," says Terri "THEM! Well, I guess I call them both, ummm, "Precious"..."
"They certainly are," says Dr. Tom reverently.
Kelly congratulates Terri for her work backstage, doing promos and all.
"Ah," says Terri, " so you like my cerebral cortex as well as my body, is that it?"
"Uh...yeah," say Kelly, unsure as to what or where the cerebral cortex is, and wondering if it's dirty?
"I love doing the promos," say Terri, "I love showing a different side of me! So to speak!"
Kelly asks Terri about the recent anti-American diatribes from Lance Storm being really derogatory of the USA?
Terri says that everybody's got a right to their own opinion, but Lance Storm went way over the line with those comments of his.
"And when you go over the line like that," say Terri, "you should expect to get your butt kicked. Over and over. And that's what's going to happen to Mr. Lance Storm , now that he's on Raw."
Dr. Tom says that maybe those people who take offense over what Storm says should just sit back and relax.
"Where's this "suspension of disbelief" that everybody talks about?" asks Dr. Tom. "If Lance Storm wants to take that kind of heat, then let him, and the rest of us should just relax, is all."
"Well, " says Terri, 'I agree with you in one sense, Dr. Tom. With everything that's gone on in this country, Storm 's comments crossed the line. I will enjoy watching him get his booty...kicked! It will be interesting to see who takes the most offense at what the Un-Americans say and do, and cleans all their booties."
Kelly and Terri discuss her column "Raw Sex" in Raw Magazine.
Kelly's the column's biggest fan.
"At first, I thought this was all made up," says Kelly, "but, just by reading it, I could tell that this is you, saying this."
"Yes," say Terri, "that's me in there. The fans send me the questions, and I decide what questions to answer. What I want to know from the fans is, do I go for questions more about relationships, or do I get into, ah, technique and such?"
Kelly and Dr. Tom dodge that particular bullet, and leave it up to the fans, several of whom have written in some emails for Terri to answer.
(By the way, your relationship questions can be emailed to Terri at firstname.lastname@example.org.)
To the phones, where Robert from Miami, Florida wants to know when Terri will pose for Playboy?
Terri says that, because she has a beautiful child, the Playboy pictorial is out.
"You would have to be my doctor to see THAT much of me," giggles Terri.
"I'm a doctor!" says Dr. Tom.
"I'll make an appointment, then," giggles Terri.
An email question from Rosie for Terri opens by saying that her boyfriend of six years won't get engaged to her until she retires all her credit card debt. "He's awesome, except for his squeaky wallet," reads Kelly, "even awesome between the sheets. But should I ask him to change his way, or is it time to kick him to the curb?"
"On the one hand," says Terri, "your boyfriend is smart by not getting legally involved with someone with major credit card debt. On the other, if you love somebody, you love them in debt or out, so the lady should send me more information before I can say yea or nay."
Kelly points out that it's a long distance relationship. The guy is still living at home, too.
"In that case," says Terri, "Rosie should look elsewhere for a solid relationship, and keep paying off that credit card debt."
"This guy," says Kelly, "sounds like the kind of cheapass who would go out and buy a $300 ring to seal the engagement."
The Byte This! Chatroom agrees, saying that this guy is a goober for still living at home.
Caller Sayku from Baltimore, MD asks Terri about her relationship with her ex-husband, Dustin "Goldust" Runnels?
"He just cracks me up," says Terri, "the stuff he's doing with Booker T is really funny, and keeps me laughing. I am proud to have had a child with him and proud of what he does in the ring."
Sayku also wants to know why Kevin Kelly puts up with what The Rock pulls on him every week?
"Uh," say Kelly, "he pays me a lot of money...nonono..."
"I like that "Talk to the Hand" thing he does," say Terri, "I've even used that a couple of times, too."
Dr. Tom asks how Terri felt about Lilian Garcia getting smashed by Island Boys Rosie and Garcia this past week?
"I sorta liked it," says Terri, "but, Lilian's a good girl and she didn't need to..."
"BITCH!" says Kelly, faking a sneeze rather poorly.
"Didja see Howard throw her to the wolves?" asks Dr. Tom.
"Yes," say Terri, "and that was really appalling!"
"The Rock's always talking about my genitalia," grumbles Kelly, "Well, Mr. Howard Finkel is sporting some "smooth" there."
"Gee," says Terri, "this show has gotten really graphic all of a sudden."
Whoops, here's an email from the notorious Donovan of Syracuse!
And you guessed it:
Donovan asks Terri "Are you shaved?"
"Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy," says Terri, "are you sure this is a real question?"
"I got the form right here," say Dr. Tom, holding up the offensive document.
"I am nice and neat," says Terri.
"Nice and neat?" asks Kelly, whose eyes are bugging out of his head.
"You can make of that what you will," retorts Terri sweetly.
"Is it hot in here," asks Kelly, "or is it just me?"
Another email question, this time from Roger, a 16-year-old kid in Utah, who is infatuated with everything "Diva."
"I've bought everything Diva," says this kid, "magazines, posters, videos, the works. Can you make my fondest wish come true, Terri and help me get one night with a Diva? I may be only sixteen, but I know what's going on! Make my dreams come true, Terri."
"At this point in my life, Roger," says Terri, "you'll need a seven figure bank account, and some extra knowledge about, well, EVERYTHING in the word for me to make that dream come true for you."
(Sounds of suppressed hilarity are heard off camera. The crew and studio audience are enjoying themselves at Roger's expense.)
"However," Terri continues, "first and foremost, don't try to be something you are not. Don't try to play the big know-it-all. Be yourself, and be confident. There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. Confidence isn't offensive at all; cockiness is. Be confident, have a sense of humor, be willing to listen, and above all, BATHE REGULARLY!"
"It is amazing what a little shower time and deodorant can do for your image," says Kelly.
"Speaking from experience, are you, Kev?" asks Dr. Tom with a big sloppy leer on his face.
Terri's getting ready to go out to supper, (sushi and sashimi) so she's gotta rock 'n' roll.
Kelly and Dr. Tom thank Terri for being on the show.
Terri wants to know what Kelly and Dr. Tom feel about the whole HHH/ Shawn Michaels deal?
"I can't wait to see them fight," says Kelly, and Dr. Tom agrees.
"I am so psyched with this whole thing," says Terri, "I look forward to this because Shawn is so effortless in the ring, and I will see what he's retained from his glory days. Hunter is incredible in the ring, and I want to see what he remembers from HISglory days, and what he's added to his repertoire since then."
Terri leaves the show, as Kelly shills for Terri's "Raw Sex" column one more time.
Time for the new "Point/Counterpoint" segment, where Kelly and Dr. Tom debate events of note in WWE.
(You can reach Kevin Kelly by email at email@example.com.)
This week's topic is the stiff anti-American comments the Un-Americans have been making.
Kelly says that they should tone it down; the fans won't stand for it in the wake of 9/11.
Dr. Tom disagrees, saying that Kelly and other meddlesome "Aunt Sallys" are reading too much into the whole thing, and to just chill out.
WWE may get right to the line," says Dr. Tom, "but WWE never goes over it. People are just too sensitive. C'mon, guys, this is "World Wrestling ENTERTAINMENT." Just realize that it is entertainment. Oh, and because it is entertainment, you can bet the Un-Americans are gonna get theirs!"
Kelly and Dr. Tom both say that the views expressed, yadda yadda yadda.
Chyron montage shows, in succession, Dr. Tom with no hair, Kelly with no hair, the bowel movement shot, and finishes up with the infamous "Skullet."
We close the show with a video from SummerSlam 1998, and the Ladder Match between HHH and The Rock, with respective corner seconds Chyna, and Mark Henry.
(As an added bonus, the background audio features the director doing calls, counts, and cues for the different moves being sent to the wrestlers. Sounds like the Drive-Thru Guy at my local McDonalds.)
And all this ruckus for the Intercontinental Title?
Next week has the Un-Americans scheduled as guests.
See you then.
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