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/14 October 2000
Pro Wrestling Classics by Miguelito Fierro




(Original date sometime in 1973)
Skip a week, catch a week. Skip a week, catch a week. That's the way the ball rolls! :) Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the Golden Age of Pro Wrestling recap! I am Miguelito; I'll be your tour guide as we wander the halls of ESPN Classic's weekly pro wrestling scrapbook.

On to the show! Whoa! Color! It looks like we are somewhere in That 70s Show this week. Doug Allen, in a nifty red blazer that reminds me of Mike Awesome, for some reason, is our ring announcer this evening. He is here to welcome us to Cincinnati, Ohio. We are told that the Sheik is in attendance, but has refused to wrestle on tv. (HA!) I love that gimmick!

We have Jack Slade -vs- Porky Pig? Pig attacks the ring announcer for saying his name. That was kinda weird. But that does seem to be his name; even the ESPN graphic says so!

Pig is all over Slade. Forearms to the chest, then to the back of the head. Punch to the stomach, then ties him to the Tree of Woe! Headbutt to the stomach! The referee pulls Pig out of the corner, but Pig comes right back in, low this time, with headbutts to the chest again. The referee finally pulls Pig off, but Pig simply starts to choke Slade with the bottom rope.

Slade has all the life of a scarecrow right now, as Pig is all over him with headbutts. Pig covers, but Slade is able to kick out. Pig with a headbutt to Slade's temple, and gets a two-count this time. Slade is finally starting a comeback! Right hand! Right! Right! Pig is begging off in the corner. Slade whips Pig out, into the opposite turnbuckles. Another Irish whip, and Pig's back where he started. Slade tries again, but Pig pulls him in by the hair.

Knee to the gut! Slade's down after another. Snap mare! (I love that move!) And now Pig has the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Slade! Slade is trying to resist, but Resistance is Futile. Just as Slade is about to go out, he finds the strength to snap mare (!) Pig. Pig grabs the nerve pinch again, and gets mared (!) again! Around the ring, but right back to the nerve pinch.

Slade tries another mare, but Pig is waiting for it. Into the ropes, a kick into the stomach, and Pig grabs the Mandible Claw (!!). And that's all there is to this match, as Slade submits to the hold (5:05). Mick Foley would be so proud of this match!

That actually wasn't a bad little serving of SQUASH! Porky Pig had the match in hand throughout. Jack Slade was there to serve as Pig's slop, and to make me happy by hitting a couple of snap mares. Gateway commercial!!! Their computer's ROCK! Or, at least, the Select 800 that I am typing this report on rocks. AMD's Athlon is one hell of a processor! If you decide to buy from Gateway, remember who recommended it! :)

Oh dear lord, what is this? We have a 10-round WOMEN'S boxing match? Where's the wrestling? What the hell are we seeing this for? We will have Lucille Dupree -vs- Kay Casey. So far, Doug Allen hasn't been nice enough to explain why this match is taking place, other than to torture me.

Dupree starts out quickly, with a series of right jabs. Dupree is floating like a butterfly, stinging like a ... butterfly. Fake jabs to the left, but then Dupree connects solidly with a right to the chin. And another, right as Round One comes to an end! OUCH! ESPN Classic immediately goes to commercial, as if they are as embarrassed to be airing this as I am to be watching this. If ESPN Classic shows a commercial after each one-minute round, we may end up with more advertising time than show time this week. If only we could be so lucky for Nitro...

Dupree comes out with a big smile on her face. Case comes in with some high rights, but Dupree starts nailing shots to the chin. (These are more wrestling-type punches, too.) Casey trying to fight out of the corner, but Dupree is controlling this match. Dupree dancing, so Casey nails her one in the face. Dupree hits a combo of body and face shots, though, and that slows down Case. And that's the end of round two. You know, Case is kinda cute!

No commercial this time, and we are back for Round Three. Dupree faking with punches, and Casey backs off. Casey starts a comeback, though! Left to the face. Left to the face. Headlock (!) and a hard punch to the face. And Dupree is down to a knee! Dupree up, Casey grabs a headlock, then hits another devastating right hand. I think Casey is the heel here. And I think I like her!

Commercial break again. I think I'd rather see the women's boxing match than a Tivo commercial...

We are back for Round Four, and I hate to admit that I am enjoying this match more than I should. Both women are nailing some nasty shots now. Dupree starting to take control with a combo to the face. No Casey is getting some uppercuts in. Casey ties her up, then nails her right on top of the head! Dupree back down to one knee. Casey grabs the headlock, and nails her on top of the head again. Dupree is in trouble; she hasn't been able to get up. There's the bell to end Round Four, and Dupree is still on her knee. Or was, until Casey tosses her to the mat. (HA!) The referee warns Casey, then goes to check on Dupree. Will this match only go five rounds?

Time for the start of Round Five. Trading punches again. Casey with a couple of body blows, then grabs the headlock. Both women tentatively fighting, Dupree with a VICIOUS right! Case is wobbly, but won't go down. Back to the center of the ring, but no one is doing anything now. And that's the end of Round Five. And we go to commercials again. [sigh]

We are back from the Commercial Break From Hell. We might actually get more ad time than content time. Hmmm... we've skipped Round Six; we WERE at commercial for a while! Trading punches, Dupree with a hard body shot. Left jab right to Casey's chin. Right almost takes Casey down. Combo, and Casey is wobbly. One more right, and Casey goes down. And that's the end of Round Seven!

Round Eight will be coming up soon, and I think this will probably be our last round. (Please, god?) Both women out, but aren't boxing. Here we go. There's an alleged right, but then Dupree unloads with a series of left and right hooks right to the chin of Casey. Casey goes down, and she ain't getting up! Dupree wins by knockout at (0:35) in Round Eight.

You know, we still have no idea why there was a woman's boxing match on a WRESTLING show! What the hell was that? I think I know where Eric Bischoff got his ideas from.

Hopefully we are going to get some wrestling here, as Big Jim Arnette is set to take on The Psycho. Oh, god, this doesn't look promising. Psycho looks a lot like Moondog Rex, but acts a whole lot like Uncle Josh. He's apparently supposed to be a fun, cuddly psychopath.

Arnette is all over Psycho to start out. He traps him in the corner, and applies a beating. Psycho down to the mat, and Arnette slams Psycho's head into the mat. Back up, but Arnette takes Psycho down with a fieldgoal kick to the head. Arnette with a rear chinlock, but decides instead to drop a series of knees to Psycho's back. Psycho is draped over the bottom rope. One of the unwritten rules of pro wrestling is: lovable psychos will get their ass kicked for most of a match, only to make a comeback at the end of the match to get the win.

Speaking of which, Psycho's comeback is starting with a leg sweep. Arnette tries to ward off the rally by raking the eyes. Psycho with a right, but Arnette rakes the eyes again. Arnette with a jumping elbow smash to Arnette's neck. Into the corner, but Psycho nails a series of rights, dropping Arnette to the mat.

Psycho with a fat-ass splash and a cover, but Arnette kicks out at two. Psycho talks to the referee, allowing Arnette to once again rake the eyes. Arnette takes Psycho down, then hits a couple of kicks to Psycho's chest. Head to the mat. Again. Psycho pokes Arnette in the eyes, however!

Psycho up, and has a bear hug on Arnette. Arnette squeaks out, but gets caught in a standing half-nelson. Psycho with an arm bar, then stomps on Arnette's fingers. And now Psycho is biting Arnette's fingers. I see where George The Animal Steele got his inspiration!

Arnette up and to the corner, but Psycho grabs his arm and starts to chew on it. (YUCKY!) Arnette tries to come back, but gets trapped in the corner. And now Psycho is biting Arnette's thigh! Talk about homoerotic imagery! CRZ would love this! <grin>

Out of desperation, Arnette hits an eye rake. Forearm, and Psycho goes down. Psycho is getting to his feet, and hits a series of forearm smashes. Uppercut! And that's enough to get the pin on Arnette! (7:10) My GOD, this week, this show sucks almost as badly as Nitro. Why didn't I pick THIS week to forget to program the VCR?

Okay, it's our last chance for a good match. I'm crossing my fingers! We have Killer Brooks (!) -vs- Haystacks Calhoun. Okay, we have two HUGE names (pun not intended), so this match should actually be entertaining. Or, at least, historically relevant. Haystacks is over 600 pounds. JEEZUS!!! He is HUGE!!! As he steps through the ring ropes, Brooks immediately attacks. Brooks manages to take Haystacks down, and chokes him with the bottom rope. Brooks then grabs Haystacks chain, and uses THIS to choke out the big man.

But Calhoun's power starts to show through, as he fights his way out of the hold. Brooks is a heel, but the crowd still cheers for him. The man is AWESOME! Unfortunately, when Brooks gets back in the ring, he walks right into a bearhug by Haystacks. Into the corner, Fat Ass into the stomach. Irish whip to the other side of the ring. Brooks rakes the eyes a couple of times, then hits a jumping elbow smash to take Calhoun to his knee.

Brooks with a series of rights to Calhoun's face. Calhoun doesn't look like he can get back up, though he is still on one knee. Brooks tries to attack some fans, who are chanting, "Crazy Brooks!" Haystacks make a comeback, but we miss seeing it. Into the ropes, and Calhoun grabs a bear hug! Brooks breaks this up with a shot to the eyes. Brooks down on the mat, and Calhoun sits on him! Brooks manages to get out of the hold, however.

Lockup, Irish whip, Brooks kicks Calhoun right in the horseshoe! Brooks sells wonderfully, allowing Calhoun to try a charge. Brooks come sback with a series of forearms, then a jumping elbow smash. Calhoun fighting back, but it is time to go to a commercial.

When we get back, Haystack is on the mat, and Brooks is working over the big man's leg. Calhoun manages to get back to his feet, but Brooks still continues to work on the leg. It's not very effective, however, as Calhoun drops Brooks to the mat, then sits on him. Calhoun with a hammerlock, then drops all of his weight onto Brooks' arm. And he does it again! If I were Brooks, I'd just leave right now.

Calhoun comes out of the corner, trying for a Fat Ass splash, but Brooks gets out of the way. Brooks trying to come back, but Calhoun grabs his horseshoe. And now Brooks is leaving! Or, at least, he's going out to the ring apron. This could be described as a STALL.

Finally, the two wrestlers lock back up. Into the ropes, and Calhoun is going to win this every time. Calhoun with a clean break. Lockup, into the corner, and Calhoun tries ramming Brooks' loaded elbow into the turnbuckle. Brooks doesn't show any pain (because he is supposed to have something in his elbow pad which hurts his opponent but doesn't hurt him. It's called PSYCHOLOGY!). Brooks takes Calhoun down with a loaded elbow smash.

Brooks to the floor, choking Calhoun while the referee counts. Brooks grabs a cable, and starts choking Calhoun with this! Brooks is living up to both of his nicknames here! (Killer and Crazy) The referee finally gets Brooks to break the hold and get back in the ring. Brooks takes a little too long to capitalize, and Calhoun starts a comeback. But Brooks breaks this up with a rake of the eyes. Calhoun comes back with a series of rights and forearms to Brooks' head. Both men are trading blows now.

Both men out to the ring apron. Brooks nails a Loaded Elbow Smash, knocking Calhoun to the mat. Brooks off the ropes with a Loaded Elbow Drop, and Calhoun falls off the apron and out to the floor. And I think we are going to get a count out here... Yup! Calhoun wasn't able to get back into the ring (or really even able to get back to his feet) before the referee got to 10. (15:12)

We are back to see Doug Allen apologize once again for the Sheik (who is the current United States champion) not appearing on tv this week. In the background, we see Brooks jump off the apron and nail Calhoun with a Loaded Elbow Smash. Brooks back into the ring, but he leaves the second that Calhoun gets back into the ring. It looks like we might have an interview with Killer Brooks! Let's hear what the maniac has to say: "Get out here Bobo Brazil! You saw what I did to Haystacks? You get down here, Bobo Brazil! You're next! You'll be next! You remember that! I'm the King of Cincinnati!"

Allen tries to get an interview with Calhoun, but Calhoun walks right past him. Now he's asking Brooks to come out and fight. Brooks starts doing jumping jacks, then pushups, in the ring. (HA!) Calhoun hops into the ring, and Brooks hops right back out. Man, this is wasting a lot of time! If nothing else is going to happen, why not go back to commercial?

Oh, we have an interview with Calhoun: "I don't know what he's got in that elbow pad, but it's hard. Just feel my head. Oh, man! I'll tell you, he's a tough man, but he's a dirty man, he's a sneak. I've never seen a coward like that in my life. If he'd come in the ring just one time without that metal on his elbow, I'd not only beat him, but I'd cripple him. I'm tired of these young guys sneaking weapons in on me. When I wrestle a guy like that, I'm going to get him before he gets me. Believe me."

Brooks looks like he is going to get back into the ring, but before that can happen, we get the closing credits, and we are OUT!

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