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WWF Classics (UK) by Ian Mowat





  • Well, what an interesting week it's been. Even overlooking the assault charges, which are in the realm of real life, and are something we shouldn't talk about, Mr Austin made a tit of himself didn't he? I don't care if the booking IS piss poor, you are paid to follow it. Refusing to get in the ring with Lesnar is exactly reminiscent of the shit Mr 'WCW held me down' Austin has been pulling since about 1999. At this point I'd like to take you back to my column after Austin's first walk out:

    Steve Austin is a pissy little bitch for taking his ball and going home. Remember, this is a man who drove the No2 heel in the company (Jarrett) out by refusing to get in the ring with him and actively campaigned to have the title taken off Kurt Angle during his first run with it. Lets not forget that he also forced Mick Foley back from knee surgery FAR too early, because he wouldn't drop the belt to HHH, no matter how screwy the finish. If he ever complains about being held down in WCW again, shoot him. What? I said shoot him.

    Since Vince seemed to make it very clear that we won't be seeing Austin any time soon, I'd like to say that I'll miss Steve Austin the performer, I'll forever be indebted to Steve Austin for being the man who made wrestling respectable again, but I don't give a flying fuck to be losing the man who held others back and only looked out for himself. If it weren't for Bret Hart playing ball, he'd never have become the star he is. Everyone moves over eventually, and Austin didn't know his time as the number one draw was up.

  • Anyway, we are still in the Wimico Youth and Civic Centre in Salisbury, and Mene Gene Okerlund welcomes us to the show.

  • The opening montage is shown, but cut short, and it wasn't exactly sharp either. Poor tech work, boys.

  • This week on the show: The Killer Bees Vs Demolition, Ron Bass, Jim Duggan, One Man Gang, Dino Bravo, and a special Wrestlemania IV report.

  • Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan are commentating.

  • First up, it's the main event - if you catch my drift. It's Demolition Vs The Killer Bees. Gorilla sees this as a number one contenders match, even if its not officially so. Jesus, make it obvious the Bees are losing. Brian B. Blair begins with Ax. Ax clubs away to start, and gets a back elbow, but misses an elbowdrop to let Blair take over. Blair gets an arm wringer, then tags out, letting his partner take over the same hold. Blair is back in and gets a running double axehandle and goes back to the arm. Ax punches out of this and tags Smash in, but he falls prey to a Blair armdrag. Brunzell comes in but Smash puts him into a bearhug, however Brunzell extricates himself by doing the clap around the ears thing. Smash then puts Brunzell on the top rope and punches away on him. Brunzell knocks Smash down with an elbow and gets a 2 count. Blair comes in and slows things down with a sleeper. Eventually Smash gets up, but is pushed into the ringpost, and rolled up for 2. Blair runs off the ropes, but Ax kicks him from the outside, knocking him over. Ax is tagged in and kicks and punches away, then nuts Blair's head off of Smash's boot. Demolition exchange a couple of quick tags, leaving Smash in the ring. Blair ducks a clothesline attempt and comes back with a flying forearm, and gets the hot tag to Brunzell. Jumpin' Jim hits a clothesline on Smash, puts Ax down, and then whips Smash into Ax, before dropkicking the future Repo Man for 2, with Ax making the save. Brunzell rolls up Smash again, but the ref is watching Ax and Blair. THE MATCH IS THE CUT!!!!!! We return with Ax pinning Brunzell, and getting the 3. The replay is also cut, but intimates that Fuji interfered with his cane. Well that pissed me right off, but I suppose I'd better get used to the cutting sometime. 1 for 1. It was a little above all right, and it's nice to see a real match rather than a squash for a change.

  • Craig DeGeorge. Special Report. Now. Yes. We get to see a replay of Tunney's tournament announcement from last week. We then look at the brackets and Craig gives workrate freaks a heart attack by claiming that Andre/One Man Gang could be the final.

  • Steve 'Enema's aren't so bad' Lombardi Vs Junk Yard Dog. We start with a collar and elbow tie-up, and when its broken Lombardi poses. Another tie-up leads to JYD pushing Lombardi straight out of the ring. JYD then goes through his turgid offence. Slam, hiptoss, S P A C E D O U T H E A D B U T T S. Lombardi is even bored with this, and gets an eye rake, but JYD comes back with rights. He then takes Lombardi's head off the buckle 10 times and scoops him up for the powerslam, and the win. 1 for 2. JYD sucks.

  • Dino Bravo Vs Phil Newkirk is our next match. Frenchy Martin has the stick, and says French stuff I don't understand, because I hated French in school. Bravo gets going with chops, a head to the buckle, and some kicks. Newkirk is then thrown off the ropes for a BIG chop, followed by a slam and an elbowdrop. Don Muraco appears in the inset, saying how he'll beat Bravo at 'Mania. Back in the ring Bravo pulls off a nice pile driver, and then a sidewalk slam for the finish. Heenan gives us a massive understatement by calling Les Marseilles a catchy tune. 1 for 3. Bravo is cool, but they need him in there with someone who can put on, an actual, you know, match.

  • First Mene Gene interview of the show. Jake Roberts is the subject, and he believes that he has the DDT and the attitude to win the WWF title tournament.

  • Hooooooo! It's Hacksaw Jim Duggan Vs Terry Gibbs. Duggan chases Gibbs out of the ring to start, and when he's back in Duggan pushes him down. Gibbs tried a shoulderblock, but it's no sold. Duggan gets a slam and a kneedrop, before throwing Gibbs out of the ring again. We now see some comments with Ted DiBiase. The Tedmiester states he only bought the title to prove that he could, and that he'll win it in the ring at WM. Back to the action as Duggan chucks the jobber back into the ring and whips him to the corner. Gibbs actually lands a punch, and goes up top but inevitably gets slammed off. Duggan then hits the three-point stance clothesline for the win. 1 for 4. It's Jim Duggan. You were expecting something good? Hooooooooo! It's a shame we never got a Godfather/Duggan feud. Russo would have been in heaven with that one.

  • More Okerlund antics. Gene bleats about WM and is then joined by Randy Savage. Savage runs down Butch Reed and Ted DiBiase, and is incoherent but fantastic.

  • One Man Gang Vs Wellington Wilkins. Wellington has an interesting (horrible) haircut, and Gang unloads on him right from the bell. A kneelift is the first recognisable move, and is followed up with some punches to the chest. OMG stands on Wellington's head, and then chokes him on the rope, before squashing him in the corner. Some more clubbing away occurs, before Gang delivers the dominator for 3. 1 for 5. Gang sure is fat.

  • We see the Warrior/Hercules tug of war from two weeks ago AGAIN, and then cut to the Craig DeGeorge stage interview with, and I quote, 'The ULLLLLLLLLTIMATE WARRIOR'. In what was to become his trademark, Warrior says absolutely nothing of sense, but sighs loudly at the end of each burst of speech. He wants Hercules, is the gist. The man is off his tits. He's right about Davey Boy though.

  • Here's the Wrestlemania IV Report you're all looking forward to:

    For the Intercontinental Title it's Honky Tonk Man defending against Brutus Beefcake. Honky cuts an interview where he says that Beefcake can't beat him because Savage couldn't, and no one can. There's also a Six-Man Tag, where The Bulldogs and Koko B. Ware take on The Islanders and Bobby Heenan. Matilda will be at ringside! Oh my God, that's so exciting! Heenan says he has a good friend who is a taxidermist (ha!) and Tama bizarrely shouts 'No teeth Matilda!' In their interview the Bulldogs may have said something interesting, but Koko was 'singing' all over them.

    Voice of baseball Bob Eucher (sp?) is the special guest ring announcer, and he says he can't wait to hit the craps tables with the Million Dollar Man. I recognise Bob from Major League, Major League 2, and Major League 3 - Back to the Minors. Can you believe Corbin Bernsen was in that one too? And Sam from Quantum Leap. It wasn't very good.

  • 'Outlaw' Ron Bass Vs Van Van Horn. Bass starts with a slam and then an elbow drop. Horn gets his head off the buckle, and his lights punched out. Bass runs Horn's head into the buckle this time, and sticks his knee into Horn's gut. Horn is choked on the rope, and thrown out of the ring, then back in. Horn gets some rights in, but is then clotheslined. Bass with the side suplex, and then picks up Horn on 2 after the cover. Bass then throws Horn's head off the canvas, and again picks him up on 2. Bass continues the onslaught with a running back elbow, an atomic drop and finishes with the pedigree. Here I think there is a clip to the replay, as Bass may well have been choking the jobber with Miss Betsy. 1 for 6. Picking up opponents on 2 is very funny, but it's not enough to save the match.

  • Our final visit to Mene Gene finds him talking about the IC title match, and the six-man tag. Slick pays a visit and boasts how he has two men in the World title tournament. He says Savage has no chance against Butch Reed, and that Elizabeth is so stupid she got hit by a parked car. Butch Reed then says something, but struggles to make sense, which is unusual as he's usually a good interview.

  • Next Week: Highlights of Warrior Vs Harley Race (I smell Hercules interference), Butch Reed, Brutus Beefcake, Greg Valentine, an interview with Andre and the Million Dollar Man, and our feature match - Koko B. Ware Vs Danny Davis.

  • Clips from the show play us out with the opening music.

  • End.

  • Overall: Well, I suppose I shouldn't complain, as I got a real match and everything, but the rest was guff. I suppose everything for the next few weeks will be hyping WM, and nothing wrong with that. Please join me and share the pain of Danny Davis VS Koko next week. Join Me.

    Ian Mowat
    [slash] wrestling

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