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WWF Classics (UK) by Ian Mowat





With regard to the Austin thing, I'm not going to harp on about it, but I'm definately not towing the official Slash line. Austin (no matter how good he is/was) realised he was no longer a main event draw and couldn't take it. I think Austin's main problem wasn't that the booking was piss-poor (although it was), it's that he wasn't raising the roof. The booking has easily been worse than this before and he had crowds eating out of the palm of his hand. Crapper 3:16 had the crowd screaming in '98, being unable to co-exist with authority lead to the most money making angle of all time. But today its played. The success of Austin was based at how good he was in one area, so the entire gimmick went that way, leaving them no room for maneuver now. Still I can't help thinking if they'd held their nerve with the heel turn everyone would be better off right now.

The shiny WWF logo IS the recognised symbol of excellence in Sports Entertainment, and anyone who says different is getting the boys round. Awright?

We are (not) LIVE from the Kansas Exposomething Centre in Topeka, Kansas! Topeka is the state capital! I've never heard of it! Sorry, Americans!

Arena manager Steve Roseblatt says the WWF is good, and he likes it. A man of taste.

Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan say 'hi'.

Montage. Did you see how much they had to butcher the montage at the start of Raw? Jeff Hardy gets the all important final shot. Forward thinking? Tune in to CRZ this Monday to find out, fans!

This Week: A live interview with Andre the Giant and Ted DiBiase, Brutus Beefcake, a WM IV report, Rick Rude, Koko B. Ware, and Demolition.

Danny Davis w/Jimmy Hart Vs Koko B. Ware. Jimmy Hart is getting booed out of the building, which is harsh, because he hasn't even written The Mountie tune yet. Davis attacks from behind with kicks and punches, and then a headlock and punch combo. Koko is whipped toward the buckle, but jumps onto the second rope and then over Davis, before rolling him up for 2. Davis takes over again with kicks and a kneelift, but then goes to whip Koko once more, but the Birdman again jumps to the second rope, coming off with a cross body this time. Davis is still first to recover and chucks Koko's head off the mat. Koko is then up and comes off the ropes to duck a chop and put Davis in a small package for 2. Davis works the count to choke Koko on the rope, before Koko recovers to leapfrog Davis and land a nice standing dropkick. Koko must be the most useless man at getting up EVER, because Davis is again able to recover first with kicks and stomps. He chucks Koko off the ropes but drops his head and Mr Ware lifts him up for the brainbuster and gets the 3. Koko couldn't get Davis up right for the 'buster and consequently it looked really sore. 1 for 1. Danny Davis in 'not sucking' shocker!

Craig DeGeorge, in association with specialness, brings us this report. It's about the six-man tag match at Wrestlemania. We get to see all of the events that lead of to the match, and then the Bulldogs tell us that Matilda is waiting to take a bite out of Heenan. Davey Boy looks fantastic here, it should be noted.

Butch Reed Vs Mike Richards is our next match. Reed kicks off with some clubberin', then a headlock and punch combo followed by a JEFF JARRETT STRUT! That, I like. Butch continues with a running head to the buckle, a snapmare, a jump on the jobber's head, and a bunch of punches while keeping Richards in a headlock. Reed could have the cover but he picks up on 2. Reed goes for the finish with a nice running clothesline, and then an even nicer Air Kane for the win. 1 for 2. I like Reed, but that was super squashy.

Craig DeGeorge interviews the Hulkster. Hogan says there'll be no controversy; he'll beat Andre fresh. Also claims that the only material thing Hulkamaniacs value is the WWF title belt. Cough *bullshit* cough.

Order WM on PPV or see it on CCTV. You cunts.

Brutus Beefcake Vs Brian Costello takes us back to the squared circle. Collar and elbow tie-up leads to Brutus instigating a clean break. Another leads to Costello feigning the same thing but unloading on the Barber. Brutus fight back and Costello begs off. He can't appeal to Brutus's better nature however, and is atomic dropped out of the ring. Costello is helped back in slingshot style, whipped off two buckles and then put in the sleeper for the win. The usual post match shit follows and Brutus says 'Baby' a lot while exiting the ring. 1 for 3. Boring. Earl Hebner was reffing this match, and he looked so out of place and uncoordinated it was unreal.

Rick Rude w/Bobby Heenan Vs Jim Evans. Rude runs the men in the audience down, as the camera pans to the ugliest woman in all Christendom. To the match! Rude starts with a knee and some punches, then no sells some jobber punch action. Rude lands a big punch and then twists Evans's neck. This launches the crowd into a 'BORING' chant. How unusual. Rude then goes for a clothesline, bouncing Evans's head off the mat and then choking him on the top rope. Back to the neck wrench, before hitting the Rude Awakening for the win. The camera then cuts to the mentalist woman in all of Christendom. 1 for 4. An 80's WWF crowd chanted 'boring'. How bad do you think it was?

More hot Craig DeGeorge interview action. He's got the Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart. Honky says he's tuning his guitar for Beefcake in four weeks time and rhetorically asks what his Momma will say if he comes home with no hair. It will not be an issue proclaims the hip-swinging one.

Bob Eucker (I really should learn how to spell that) talks with Slick, and they make a joke involving the One Man Gang that is so bad, that I cannot be bothered transcribing it.

Bam Bam Bigelow Vs Frank DeFalco. Pre-match cartwheel for the Bammer. DeFalco's punches are no-sold, and Bigelow goes on the attack with a headbutt, a flying clothesline, and a suplex. More offence, yes! Headbutt, elbow, big right, slam, kneedrop, yes. The end of this cavalcade of Bam Bam's repertoire comes to an end with a Stinger Splash and a diving headbutt for the win. 1 for 5. Bigelow is fun to watch, but give the jobbers something for Christ sakes.

Craig DeGeorge stage interview. Andre, Ted, and Virgil are upon the hallowed platform. Andre predicts that he will stay undefeated, while DiBiase says he should still be the champ, and calls his first-round opponent (Jim Duggan) a buffoon. No arguments there Teddy.

Hercules states that in his 'Ultimate confrontation' at Wrestlemania he will prevail.

The Ultimate warrior on the other hand tells us that he will take Herc into the darkness where there is only instincts, and that this match is the next link in his evolutionary chain. Nice one Ultie.

Craig DeGeorge brings us the Wrestlemania IV report:

We see footage of the Strike Force title win and then they tell us that they are the masters of construction. Why, the antidote to construction is...

Demolition. In the shape of Ax they inform Strike Force that, and I quote, 'We're gonna mess your face up!' Hahahahaha! Ax rules!

The guest time keeper is Vanna White. She says she's excited, I say she's FIT! Isn't she married to Weird Al Yankovic? UHF was my favourite film as a kid. I demand someone actually make Connan The Librarian. I'd watch it.

Wrestlemania graphic is on the screen... right now.

Demolition Vs Sonny Rogers and Gary Jackson is our main event for the evening. The jobbers help me remember the difference between them by being different races. Good work Pat Patterson! Smash and Jackson start. Smash with rights to the gut, Ax comes in and slams Jackson to his corner, and he tags in Rogers. Ax with rights and clubs, and then chucks Rogers's head into Smash's boot. Smash is back in with clubs to the back, a hiptoss, and a slam. Jackson comes in to receive beats from Smash. Smash then puts Jackson on top of the Demolition corner, and both of the Demos smack Mr Jackson about. Smash then drops Jackson on the top rope, before setting up a fantastic Demolition Decapitation for the win. 1 for 6. All the way throughout this match Vanna White had to be called 'Wheel Of Fortune's Vanna White'. Not doing it for the publicity then?

Craig DeGeorge is with Jim Duggan. Duggan tells us for the 10th time in 3 weeks that he's not looking past DiBiase. Hooooooo!

Earlier Craig was with Greg Valentine who screamed that this was his biggest chance to grab the gold.

Next Week: Strike Force, Wrestlemania IV Special Report, The Honky Tonk Man, The Ultimate Warrior, Ted DiBiase, Randy Savage.

We cut to a tired kid in the crowd who has a Hogan Hand as big as he is. Awww.


Overall: A nice Koko/Davis match was all that this show had to give me in ring wise, and out of it, it was a bit rubbish too. Ax is just a fantastic interview though. It's a loaded line up next week though, including Challenge's hardest workers - Strike Force. Join me for that next week. Join me.

Ian Mowat
[slash] wrestling

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