/18 April 2000
|CMLL on Galavision by WV RiffRaff
CMLL (aired 4/18/00)
Hey gang, WV RiffRaff here. Welcome to the first, and hopefully the first of many, lucha libre reports here on Slash Wrestling. I'll be here every week recapping all the action on the CMLL and AAA lucha libre shows which are seen on the Galavision Spanish-Language network. I must warn you, however, I speak JUST ENOUGH Spanish to keep from ordering something gross at an authentic Mexican joint. So if I misinterpret an angle or an interview, you'll just have to forgive me.
My satellite dish cut out for a few minutes due to a storm, so I missed the first match. But judging by the last few seconds of it, which I did see, we didn't miss much. Lets move on.
Alfonso Morales y Leobardo Magadan welcome us to the show and appear to be debating the virtues of Fuerza Guerrera and Rayo de Jalisco, Jr. Methinks those two will probably show up in the next match.
Villano 3, Fuerza Guerrera, Gran Markus, Jr.
El Brazo de Plata (Super Porky), Atlantis, Rayo de Jalisco, Jr.
Finally, the first fall gets underway. Rayo de Jalisco Jr. starts out against Gran Markus Jr., who, unfortunately, has removed his shirt. Typical lucha exchange of armdrags and hiptosses, including a totally botched shoulderblock by Gran Markus. Guerrera and Porky enter the ring. FORGET what I just said about Gran Markus. Super Porky makes GRAN MARKUS look like Buff Bagwell! This guy is a joke. Fuerza and Porky lock up, with Porky getting the better of it through sheer bulk. Hard slaps by Fuerza, flooring his portly opponent. Botched single leg trip, which Porky sells anyway. Fuerza riding him amateur style. Sitout reversal by Porky, who seems quite proud of himself. Big mistake by Fuerza, as he allows Porky to mount him in an amateur style referee's position (never one of my favorite positions, but that's just me). SQUISH! That's too much weight for any man to withstand. Porky does his cartwhell schtick, followed up by his trademark "bump", which is basically Porky lightly nudging his oversized hip against his opponent's head. Fuerza dutifully sells the heck out of this crap. But he's had enough, and I can't blame him. He tags out to Villano 3, who is met by his rival Atlantis. Ah, finally TWO quality wrestlers in the ring at the same time!
Side headlock by Villano. Irish Whip by Atlantis. Shoulderblock by
Villano sends Atlantis down to the mat. More fast-paced monkey-flips,
armdrags, and legsweeps until suddenly Atlantis scoops up Villano and
applies a genuinely painful-looking Torture Rack backbraker. Villano
quickly submits. (Time of the fall 4:10)
Second fall appears to have been joined in progress. Fuerza Guerrera and Atlantis are in the ring. Fuerza has Atlantis by his mask, which appears to have been partially unlaced. Fuerza is looking to tag in Villano 3, who looks like he wants no part of it. Fuerza seems to be encouraging Villano to enter the ring and help unmask Atlantis, but Villano 3 is refusing to do so. I guess this is one of those "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" type angles. I smell a face turn for Villano 3. Now, Gran Markus is over to join Fuerza Guerrera in his badmouthing of Villano 3. Now things get physical as Markus and Guerrera work over Villano 3. Suddenly, los tecnicos remember that there's actually a MATCH in progress and attack Markus and Guerrera. Rayo de Jalisco takes down Gran Markus, who becomes the victim of a Super Porky Splash. Double pin by Rayo de Jalisco and Super Porky on Markus. Meanwhile, Atlantis scooped up Fuerza Guerrera in that same backbraker and got a submission from him. Since the two non-captains of the rudos team lost, the fall (and the match) goes to los tecnicos. (Time of the fall 3:45, that we saw). After the pinfalls, Villano 3 actually applauds the efforts of his opponents before bailing out of the ring and heading back to the dressing room to what can only be described as a "luke-warm face pop." Now the real question remains...Will the fans cheer a man THAT UGLY?!?!?!?!
After the match, Leobardo Magadan interviews Fuerza Guerrera and Gran Markus Jr. Needless to say, they ain't too happy with Villano 3.
Tons of commercials for Long Distance and Collect Calling EN ESPANOL. Hey, it's that Burger King commercial for the Extreme Double Cheeseburger where all those skateboarders and rollerbladers fall and bust their faces!!! That's funny in ANY LANGUAGE!!!
As we return, Perro Aguayo, Sr. is sitting in a boardroom talking to Mr. Niebla and Tinieblas, both of whom are dressed to the nines in snazzy suits. I'm sorry, but there's just something cool about a guy in a goofy mask and an expensive suit. Good Heavens, Perro is OLD! And, to add insult to injury, his first name is the Spanish word for DOG! How would you like to go through life being named DOG Aguayo???? And to make matters worse, his son wrestles under the name El Hijo de Perro Aguayo, which translates to THE SON OF DOG Aguayo! Son of Dog is a little too close to Son of Bitch for my taste, but what the hell do I know? I'm just a dumb gringo.
Next vignette features Shocker and Mascara Ano 2000, as Los Guapos pay a visit to the BEAUTY SALON???? No, I'm not kidding. Inside the salon, Scorpio Jr. is getting a bleach dye-job by a lady who looks to be a second-rate porn star on her day off. She shows off her "assets" to the boys, who appear pleased. If you ask me, Scorpio looks just a little bit TOO comfortable in the beauty salon.
Los Guapos (Shocker, Scorpio Jr., Bestia Salvaje)
Perro Aguayo Sr. , Mr. Niebla, Tinieblas
Before entering the ring, Aguayo grabs the house mic and hypes up the crowd. "Welcome to La Casa de Perro! Where you know that the Old Dog always kicks that shiznit Perro-Style!" Okay, that was a complete lie. Just seeing if you were paying attention.
Back to reality, Los Guapos don't bother waiting on Mr. Niebla and Tinieblas and jump all over Aguayo. Aguayo's two masked partners finally make their way down the aisle, accompanied by what can only be described as AN ALBINO MIDGET CHEWBACCA! Folks, your guess is as good as mine. Inside the ring, Aguayo is battling it out with Bestia Salvaje, who is, in fact, the UGLIEST HUMAN BEING ALIVE ON THIS OR ANY OTHER PLANET. And Salvaje's new blond 'do doesn't help any. Visualize if Tommy Rich stuck his face in an electric fan. That's basically what Bestia looks like. I hate to seem preoccupied with ugly Mexican wrestlers, but dammit, CMLL has a TON of 'em. Some order has been restored inside the ring, as Salvaje and Aguayo take their battle out to the floor, LITERALLY into the fans. Apparently, the Mexicans don't believe in fan barriers. Inside the ring, Mr. Niebla is being double-teamed by Shocker and Scorpio Jr. Tinieblas enters the ring to take his turn. He's promptly greeted by a double kick and double suplex by Shocker and Scorpio. As usual, the TWO referees are allowing carte blanche when it comes to double and triple teaming. Shocker mounts the turnbuckles and tells the fans just how smart he is. This Shocker is THE GOODS. I think of him as a Mexican Jeff Jarrett. He has great natural heel charisma, and excellent ring skills to go with it. He's one of the very few luchadores whose character improved dramatically AFTER he lost his mask. Outside the ring, Perro and Bestia are still duking it out over who'll be the ugliest by the time the match is over. (My money's still on Bestia.) Inside the ring, Scorpio Jr. grabs Aguayo and snap mares him. Scorpio holds Aguayo while Shocker comes off the top turnbuckle with a high Savage-Style elbowdrop. Scorpio Jr. holds Aguayo by the hair while Salvaje winds up for a haymaker. Predictably, Aguayo moves (SLOWLY) out of the way, and Bestia decks his parter. Now Shocker grabs Aguayo and holds him. Same result. Now, Aguayo cleans house on all three baddies as only Perro Aguayo can (read:VERY WEAKLY). Series of headbutts from Aguayo to Salvaje. Neither guy has much to lose there. DON'T LOOK NOW, but the Albino Chewbacca Midget is up on the ring apron. I get the feeling that he'll become involved sooner than later. BOTH of the refs totally ignore the little white furry creature. Salvaje bodyslams Aguayo and mounts the ropes. Bestia basically sits up there long enough for Aguayo to get up and move out of the way BEFORE he leaps off the turnbuckles. That's just SAD. Series of kneedrops by Aguayo. OH, Scorpio Jr. enters the ring and LAYS OUT Aguayo with a thrust kick to the head. That was SWEET. Now, Niebla and Tinieblas have Shocker and Scorpio in the "Row your boat" Star-Submission hold. It's gettin' old school now, folks. Why do I get the feeling we're gonna be seeing the little white furry guy any second now. Yep, there he is, jumping on Shocker and Scorpio. Again, neither ref seem to have a problem with this. Outside the ring, Aguayo and Salvaje are still brawling. Apparently inside the ring, Shocker or Scorpio submitted. Personally, I think the tecnicos team should have been DQ'd for the interference of the Albino Midget Chewbacca. But what the hell do I know? I'm just a dumb gringo. (Time of the fall 6:30) At ringside, we get a long look at a quasi-cute young lady. ARRIBA LAS JAILBAIT!!!!
More amusing commercials during this ad break. The funniest of which is an ad for a Galavison music program called Grandos Conciertos. It's amusing, because of the men dancing in the crowd. These guys are either EXTREMELY SECURE in their own masculinity, or they're EXTREMELY GAY. I won't assume to know which. After all, I'm just a dumb gringo.
It appears that, once again, we're joining the second fall in progress. Inside the ring, Tinieblas and Scorpio Jr. are going at it. Scorpio misses a flying bodyblock and goes outside the ring, where he is immediately splashed by the Midget Albino Chewbacca. Trust me folks, this is even goofier to SEE than it is to READ. Back inside the ring, Shocker whips Niebla into the ropes, but Niebla reverses it and spins Shocker around by his hair. Shocker sells it like a pro, whirlybirding around like he was caught in an invisible airplane spin. Now Shocker gets monkeyflipped over the top rope and out of the ring. Switchoff as Tinieblas is being doubleteamed by Scorpio and Salvaje. They appear to be trying to unlace Tinieblas's mask. Now, Salvaje and Aguayo are going at it in the fans again. Inside the ring, Scorpio ties Tinieblas to the top turnbuckle by his MASK LACES! Ha! That's a new one. Aw geez, Bestia is busted wide open outside the ring. That ain't gonna help his looks any. Tinieblas is still helpless in the ring, attached to the turnbuckles by his mask laces. Perro is in, fighting off all three of Los Guapos. But superior numbers (and talent) wins out. Shocker and Scorpio hold Perro, while Salvaje deliver some stiff kicks. Aguayo is now busted open. No suprise there. His forehead is nothing but scar tissue, ala Dusty Rhodes. Now, the Albino Midget Chewbacca is attempting to untie Tinieblas while Aguayo continues to get savagely triple teamed. Now all of a sudden, the two refs decide the triple teaming is illegal and DQ Los Guapos! (Time of the fall 3:10, that we saw.) That means that the tecnicos team wins the match, but Lost Guapos don't seem too concerned about it. Scorpio Jr. managed to catch up to the Albino Midget Chewbacca outside the ring and, fairly gently, ran him into the ringpost. Well done. Let rudos be rudos, I always say. Now, just for the fun of it, Los Guapos go back into the ring and beat on Perro some more. The ref raises Perro's lifeless arm as Shocker and the boys celebrate in the ring. Los Guapos start to strut and, somewhere, Jackie Fargo is CRINGING!!!! I'm still majorly impressed by Shocker. Just to give you an idea of how respected this guy is within the business, Jushin "Thunder" Lyger jobbed to him during a recent mini-tour of Mexico. But a couple of weeks after that, Lyger jobbed to a Tequila bottle on Nitro. So maybe that wasn't that impressive after all. Never mind.
More goofy Spanish commercials, including one for the Sauna Tronic 2000, which is basically just a thermal girdle that you put around your waist and hips. Then, you are instantly transformed into a swimsuit model, apparently. Apparently, it also makes you a better lover, gives you better ironing ability, better writing ability, etc. Now an endorsement by a couple who are only seen from the torso up. How do we know if they're fat or not? Hey, and it's only SEVENTY BUCKS!!! Seventy Bucks for a frickin' girdle?!?!?! No thanks.
Now it's time for Momentos Estelares, some highlights from recent matches. One of the highlights is Ricky Marvin executing a Springboard Somersault Plancha. And, oh by the way, Ricky Marvin IS living La Vida Ripoff. Another highlight features a flying bodypress off the ring apron to the floor by Super Porky. His victim, Apollo Dantes, appears to be DEAD.
As we return, we're in the dressing room with Tarzan Boy, Negro Casas, and Emilio Charles Jr. They are apparently discussing strategy. Actually, they could be discussing what to get for dinner after the matches. I really can't say for sure. Now we go to the rudo dressing room, where Dr. Wagner Jr. , Blue Panther, and Black Warrior dressed in what look like Hospital Scrubs and working out on various excercise machines. They, too, could be discussing dinner. I have no clue. More than likely, they're discussing why they're wearing HOSPITAL SCRUBS! At the very least, they must be embarrassed that they all showed up wearing the same thing. MAJOR fashion no-no.
Tarzan Boy, Negro Casas, Emilio Charles Jr.
Dr. Wagner Jr. , Blue Panther, Black Warrior
As the first fall gets underway, Tarzan Boy squares off against Blue Panther. Boy works on the arm for a few minutes, before Blue Panther screws up a Fisherman's Suplex SO BADLY that the refs don't even bother to count. Emilio Charles Jr. comes into the ring and begins to loudly complain about nothing in particular. Apparently, this guy got Jim Duggan's looks AND mentality. Blue Panther has taken over and is working on the leg of Tarzan Boy. You have to keep your eyes peeled, because, unlike American wrestlers, luchadores actually submit sometimes to submission holds that AREN'T the other guy's finisher!!! Amazing, but true. Now, Dr. Wagner Jr. is challenging his veteran rival Negro Casas to come into the ring. OohLaLah!!! The camera lingers on another REALLY HOT and REALLY YOUNG lady at ringside. ARRIBA LAS JAILBAIT!!! (Or did I say that already?) Wagner backs Casas into the corner and....clean break??? The fans like it. Dr. Wagner backs out of the corner with a backward rolling somersault, just to LOOK COOL I guess. They exchange some vicious chops. Negro Casas gets the better of it and lands a flying headscissors takedown off the top turnbuckle. But he's quickly taken down by a hard clothesline by Wagner. Tag to Blue Panther. Drop toehold on Casas and Panther floats over into a Camel Clutch. Black Warrior enters the ring and nails Casas with a dropkick to the face, while Panther still has him in the Camel Clutch. That's an old Purureso favorite. These guys have obviously all plied their trade extensively in Japan as well. Now Dr. Wagner Jr. comes in and he, too, nails Casas with a dropkick right in the mush. Casas is in BAD shape, he needs a tag. We totally miss some action while they show us a slow-mo replay of the dropkicks. Geez, are the WCW technical guys running this? Negro Casas is STILL selling the crap out of those dropkicks to the face. His opponents are literally having to drag him around. Blue Panther in and hits a sidewalk slam on Casas. Panther then applies what I would call a "Pretzel Hold." He's got Casas's legs in an inverted figure four position and hooked one of Casas's arms BETWEEN his legs! Panther actually picks up Casas with this hold and holds him in the air. Now THAT looks painful! Casas quite understandably submits. (Time of the fall 5:40) My description probably doesn't do that hold justice. That was pretty darn cool!
Another Call Collect En Espanol commercial. I guess it's pretty effective, because this chick could get me to call just about ANY number. There's also a great car commercial where two guys who live across from one another both read a want ad and are racing to get to the job first. They literally throw themselves down the stairs of their buildings, before meeting in the parking lot. Both men jump into their cars, but one car doesn't start. The car that does start is a Chevy Cavalier. Apparently, THAT is the selling point. If you buy a Cavalier, it will actually START. Isn't that kind of EXPECTED from a new car????
We're back and it appears that, yet again, we've joined fall number two in progress. For some reason, that's been the order of the day. Black Warrior in with Tarzan Boy. Boy gets a quick advantage and executes the "girl-style/midget-style" catapault. Sadly, that's about as impressive as Tarzan Boy gets. Black Warrior sells it, 'cause he's a PRO. Tarzan Boy off the ropes and he NEARLY KILLS HIMSELF attempting a Sabu-like Springboard move off the top rope to the outside! HA!!!! Boy jumped up, but COMPLETELY MISSED the top rope and landed with his knees straddling the top and second ropes. Ouch, babe! Tarzan Boy appears to be legit hurt, because he carefully rolls outside the ring and just lays there. Inside the ring, Emilio Charles Jr. nails BOTH Blue Panther and Dr. Wagner Jr. with a double missle dropkick. He rolls up Wagner and gets the pin. Meanwhile, Negro Casas pins Blue Panther with a la majistral cradle and gets the pin on the other non-captain, which gives the tecnicos team the fall. (Time of the fall 1:00, that we saw). Tarzan Boy is STILL just laying outside the ring. Now we're treated to some replays of Tarzan Boy humiliating himself and half-killing himself all with one botched high risk move. Oh, that's good stuff. Either this fall was incredibly SHORT, or else it was incredibly LAME, because we only got to see sixty seconds of it.
As we begin the third fall, Tarzan Boy is STILL laying outside the ring. And we quickly see the same shot of the first young girl that we saw earlier in the show. Usually stock crowd footage like this is used to hide a match edit, but in this instance it looks like it was just spliced in because somebody in the tech truck thought the girl was cute. Quick rollup by Negro Casas on Blue Panther gets a two count only. Negro Casas wastes no time landing a hurricanrana and cradles Panther for the pinfall. But Blue Panther isn't the captain of his team, so the fall continues. Dr. Wagner Jr. and Emilio Charles Jr. both come into the ring quickly. Charles whips Wagner off the ropes and goes for a sunset flip, but Wagner sits down on him and gets the pin. Now, both teams have pinned one of their opponent's non-captains. Just as a quick note of explanation, in these six man matches you have to either pin the captain of the opposing team or BOTH of the non-captains. Now Negro Casas in the ring with Black Warrior. Warrior floors him with a clothesline. Warrior with a bodyslam. Warrior then climbs the ropes and comes off with a very slow and very awkward looking double axehandle, which gives Casas plenty of time to get the hell outta Dodge. Now Negro Casas catches Warrior in a la majistral cradle, but only gets a two count. Man, what's with all these quick pin attempts? Are these guys double-parked, or what? Wagner back in. Casas lands a hurricanrana, but again only gets two. Casas goes for another hurricanrana, but Wagner caught him and landed a Tiger Bomb. Two count only. Now, some shots of some of the less attractive members of the audience. Wagner picks up Casas and nails him with a Razor's Edge-style powerbomb. Again, Wagner only gets two. Casas and Wagner are both selling fatigue like they've been wrestling for three hours. Casas with ANOTHER la majistral rollup, and again only gets two. Dr. Wagner Jr. quickly snatches up Casas and hits a nasty Michinoku Driver. He covers Casas, and gets the three count. That wins the match for the rudos. (Time of the fall 4:05). Afterwards, the champions pose in the ring with their title belts.
When we return, Alphonso Morales and Leobardo Magadan wrap up the show and hype next weeks episode. Show us that copyright, this one's over.
Overall, this show was a mixed bag, which is usually the case with CMLL. We got a little of the GOOD(Dr. Wagner Jr., Shocker, Atlantis, and Villano 3), a little of the BAD(Gran Markus, Super Porky,Tarzan Boy) and a WHOLE LOT of the UGLY(Villano 3's face, Bestia Salvaje's face, and Perro Aguayo's entire body). The recap was a couple days late this week, because I've been on Daddy Duty for the past two days. Chasing around after a two year old doesn't lend itself to getting much typing done. But next week the recap should be out by Wednesday night. And don't forget to look for the AAA recap later today. Hope you enjoyed my first lucha recap, but if you only remember ONE thing, remember this: I'm WV RiffRaff and I'm JUST A DUMB GRINGO. Good day!