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/28 January 2000



Guest columnist: E.C. Ostermeyer


Greetings once again wrestling fans, I'm E.C. Ostermeyer, and this is the "ECW on TNN" wrestling recap for Friday 29 January 2000.

We open with the Queen of Extreme, Francine, confronting Raven, who's in another one of his sulks.
"C'mon Raven, you got a match with Tommy!"
Raven: " I do everything for everybody else! I save Tommy time and time again at the Pay-Per-View, but does he ever thank me? I lose the belt to that P.O.S., Justin Credible, I took a chair shot for you, Francine, but does anybody thank me for that? No!"
Francine: "Scotty, I thanked you."
Raven: "Tommy didn't! What about me? What about Raven? You know, without those belts, I'm thinking that maybe my Father was right; that I AM worthless, a nothing, a loser!"
Tommy Dreamer comes in. "You think I can't hear you out there? C'mon, Scotty, we got a match, we gotta work, let's go!"
Raven: "I'm not getting up."
TD: "Come ON, Scotty, we gotta GO!"
Francine: "Just leave him alone, Tommy!"

Dreamer stalks disgustedly out of the locker room, while Raven continues to sulk.

We are live (on tape) from the Alario Arena in New Orleans, Louisiana. Your announcers are Joey Styles and the "Quintessential Stud-Muffin" himself, Joel "Cyrus isn't here right now, Cyrus didn't make it, Cyrus is nothing but a wussy. Because while his up in Winnipeg, eating Canadian bacon..." (It dawns on Joey Styles where Gertner is going with his little poem. Frantically, Styles tries to warn Gertner to stop already! But to no avail) "...I'm down here in New Orleans..." (We cut to the control booth monitor showing Mr. Gernter making a "peace sign" and putting it over his mouth!) "...eating some hot...Cajun..."

And a very familiar voice in the booth is suddenly hollering at the director:

"Whoa, Whoa WHOA!, cut, Cut CUT!, What are you doing shooting that?! You're gonna get some heat with the network, kid! You wanna be back on "Rockin' Bowl", shooting Lane Four? HUH? You do as I tell you! What am I paying you for?"

Cyrus throws his headset down in disgust, and addresses you the TV viewers at home:

"You know, we've got a situation here where I've got five wrestlers in the ba... SHUT UP! ( this to the director, who's cueing up the opening credits) "...uh, five wrestlers in the back who want their releases, and say thet're gonna walk if Joel Gertner continues as color commentator on TNN. Apparently, nobody wants to work with the devil. Well, I'm sure we've all got something better to do than watch some portly announcer trying to get himself over, at the expense of the talent!"
"There was a tremendous Rob Van Dam / mike Awesome confrontation, and I'm sure we'd all rather watch that, so let's flip to that...(!)"
(Spies the director not paying attention again..)


Let us take you back to last week's ECW on TNN matchup between Rob Van Dam, Mike Awesome, and Sabu, reviewing Sabu's new alliance with the Heavyweight Champion. After about five minutes of this we see some


Hey, is that Vito Lo Grasso selling ECW Action figures?
Jeez, another David Arquette ATT ad. Where's my durn "V-chip" when I need it? Judge Jeff Jones and Mike Awesome regale us with the fact that Awesome is "focused" on Little Spike Dudley this week, and NOT Rob Van Dam, focused on defending the ECW Heavyweight Title, focused, Focused, FOCUSED!"
Y'know, Awesome's getting better with his stick work, but he's going to have to develop synonym skills. Still, there has been improvement.

Hey, if Awesome is so focused on Little Spike Dudley, how come he's ranting and raving about Rob Van Dam as he's leaving the locker room.
Judge Jeff Jones is saying "Focus! Focus!" to Mikeas they leave. Nice touch. .
Let's have another dose o'


Well, somebody's medication dosage needs adjusting, because here's Arquette's commercial all over again! Sheesh!

TNN Rockin' Bowl!
Every week!
Watch it!
Stop laughing, already!

Match #1: Yoshihiro Tajiri v. Little Guido (with Big Sal E. Graziano)

Hip toss by Tajiri is countered by a sleeper hold by Guido. Tajiri ducks out of it, but gets speared by Guido. Guido sets Tajiri up for the powerbomb, and the folks at TNN cut to some


We come back just in time to see Tajiri jump on Guido's shoulders then drive Guido's face into the mat with a modified senton bomb.
(Joey Styles: "My GOD, he tried to split Guido's skull open!)

Guido bails out to confer with Big Sal.
Tajiri breaks up the meeting with an Asahi moonsault onto both members of the FBI's.
Big Sal eats some concrete. Guido hits the steel guardrail.

(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")
(Gertner: "If you want to get away from Tajiri, get in your car and leave the arena! Just rolling to the outside of the ring won't get it done!"

Tajiri stalking Guido now. A weak right from Guido is blocked and Tajiri hits a bodyslam to bring Guido back into the ring. Another bodyslam is reversed by Guido with a waist- lock, but Tajiri reverses into the "Tarantula" submission hold. Guido refuses to submit, so Tajiri has to break the hold.
Guido crawls away, but not fast enough to avoid a stiff roundhouse kick from Tajiri, which staggers him.
Tajiri uses this opportunity to mimic the groggy Guido, which the crowd appreciates.
Another roundhouse kick flattens Guido. Tajiri grinds the toe of his boot in Guido's ear.
Tajiri goes for the brainbuster, but Guido counters with a Fujiwara armbar submission hold, that Tajiri is only able to break by hooking his leg through the ropes. Guido, working on Tajiri's right arm, sets up that "crucifix face-buster" thing, (Styles calls it a "Morakano" (?)), but tajiri is able to reversemit into a full nelson. Guido slips out, and goes back to the Fujiwara armbar again.
Lateral press, cover,!
Guido slaps Tajiri repeatedly, then whips him into the ropes. Tajiri does a handspring elbow that staggers Guido. Two drop kicks later, and Guido's on the mat again.

(Gertner: "Tajiri is tearing Guido apart!")
Tajiri grinds Guido's face into the bottom turnbuckle, but Guido slithers away. Suplex by Guido slams Tajiri to the mat. Big cross-body slam and a cover 1..2..Tajiri kicks out! Guido up top again, but Tajiri breaks it up, and crotches Guido on the top turnbuckle. Tajiri ties guido to the Tree of Woe, then hits a perfect baseball slide with both feet to Guido's head. Tajiri then spies Big Sal trying to climb on the ring apron with a chair. Tajiri hits a shoulder block on Big Sal that sends him tumbling off the ring apron to the floor. Tajiri stalkis Guido. Guido with a slap, Tajiri with a stiff slap that knocks Guido's mouthpiece out! Tajiri with a standing sidekick, BRAINBUSTER! Three count for the win (7:14)

What a match!

Up next, Steve Corino, Jack Victory, and the "Rookie Monster" himself, "Rhino" do battel with Tommy Dreamer, his "partner du jour" New Orleans Saints' tight end Josh Wilcox, and the lovely Francine.

But first, there's this from Rob Van Dam (with punctuation by Bill Alfonso):

1) He's grateful to Sabu for turning him into a wrestling superstar, and
2) He know that it irks Sabu for the student to surpass the teacher, but
3) Sabu is not going to bring Rob Van Dam down, because
4) Rob Van Dam kicked Sabu's ass at the PPV, and he can do it again, any time Sabu comes around.

As for Mike Awesome,
1) Awesome is champion "for now", whereas
2) Rob Van Dam is a champion two years running,
3) Which makes RVD a better wrestler than Mike Awesome, and
4) The fans chant "RVD! RVD!" all the time because, Mike Awesome and Sabu
5) They recognize that Rob Van Dam is "Mister PPV" and anyway
6) He's Rob van Dam, "The Whole F-N Show!"

We join

Match #2: Dreamer/ Wilcox (with Francine) v. Corino/Rhino (with Jack Victory)

already in progress, as Josh Wilcox and Steve Corino are both in three point stance mode, until Victory throws a flag on the play, calling Wilcox "Off-sides!". Obviously trying to rattle the boy, bu the ref's not having any of that. Corino tags in Rhino who also sets up in a three point stance then charges at Wilcox, who wisely ducks to one side, letting Rhino to run headlong into the corner.

Wow, the whole ring shook from the impact!

Wilcox tags Dreamer who whips Rhino into the corner. Charge in by Tommy Dreamer gets a boot aimed at his face. Dreamer blocks that move and hits a tremendous Golotta on Rhino's "inseam", then tosses Rhino over the ropes. Dreamer's outside the ring now, and bounces Rhino's head off the steel guardrails. Tommy chokes Rhino with the penalty flag, then tosses him back into the ring.
(Joey Styles: "I wonder what the penalty is for choking an opponent with a penalty flag? Ten yards?)
(Gertner: "Nope, ten minutes of "Rockin' Bowl"!")

Rhino with a reversal into the corner, then charges in, but gets a solid boot in the face from Tommy Dreamer. Rhino shakes it off, then spears Dreamer, lateral press, cover, two count only from referee Josh Mollinaux. Rhino tags in Steve Corino, who stomps repeatedly on the prone Tommy Dreamer/ Corino stands Dreamer up, punches in bunches, then grabs the groggy Dreamer's left arm and starts moving it up and down over his own crotch, saying "I'm Tommy Dreamerrr-ulp!", as Dreamer applies the "Testicular Claw"! Whip of Corino into the ring ropes, and Corino manages to tag in Rhino. Suplex by Rhino and a cover only gets a two count. Rhino tries a plancha from the top turnbuckle, but misses. Reamer spears Rhino, then zip-lines over to Josh Wilcox for the tag. Rhino tags in Corino, who wants no part of Wilcox. Francine tosses Wilcox a chair, who promptly whacks Tommy Dreamer over the head with it! Rhino hits the piledriver finisher on Dreamer for the win. (5:07)

After the match, Jack Victory pays Wilcox his bounty money ( Uh, hey, Jack, that's WAY more than thirty pieces of silver!).

(Gertner: "What an incredibly well-thought-out plan!)
Francine takes exception to this duplicity, and swarms on Wilcox, kicking and scratching. Rhino grabs Francine and drags her off to the back.

(Gertner: "Hey, forget about all this football stuff! Look at THAT tight end!")

Josh Wilcox tries some stick work:
"For two years you guys boo, you guys say we suck! I take pride in my job while you unemployed bums sit at home drinking beer!
(Crowd boos)
"Hey, I got one thing to say! You fans can kiss my ass!"

(Crowd really booing now! Gernter: "Listen to the honesty!")

Steve Corino then calls out Dusty Rhodes, who proceeds to dole out Bionic Elbows to all and sundry.
(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")


Match # 3: Mike Awesome (with Judge Jeff Jones) v. Little Spike Dudley

Before the bell, before Awesome can even climb into the ring, LSD dives off the top rope onto Awesome, driving him into the floor. There's another dive from the top turnbuckle onto Awesome! Awesome is dazed, and gets rabbit-punched by LSD, before whacking him with the Heavyweight Title belt. Awesome now chases Spike around the outside of the ring, but a grab for Spike, gets Mike Awesome walloped on the head with a steel chair. Spike follows this with a fan's beer cup to Awesome's head, then another! Whip by LSD gets reversed by Awesome, who then whips Spike into the steel guardrail. Mike throws LSD back into the ring.

(Crowd: "Spike! Spike! Spike!")
Fist to face, whip into the corner, attempted spear by Awesome is reveresd by Spike with a spear of his own! Spike goes up top, senton bomb, cover, 1 count from referee Mike Kiener. Awesome is enraged now. Waistlock, German suplex with release sends LSD sailing into the far corner. Attempt at Awesome Bomb finisher, is thwarted when LSD converts it into a hurancanrana that floors Awesome! Spike rushes in for the kill, but Awesome hits a massive spinebuster, covers and gets only a 2 count. Judge Jones and Mike Awesome set up a table outside the ring. Awesome tries an Awesome Bomb from the ring apron, but LSD slips out and reverses it into a bulldog that drives Awesome's head through the table.

(Crowd:" ECW! ECW! ECW!")

Spike to the top rope with a chair, and hits a flying chair shot to Mike's head. "Acid Drop" finisher is blocked by Awesome, but Spike wallops him on the head with the chair again, and Awesome goes down. Spike covers,! Running steel chair shot meets Awesome's Big Boot, and Spike is down. Clothesline floors Spike, and Awesome sets up another table in the corner.

Awesome Bomb through the table!
Awesome Splash from the top turnbuckle!

Cover, 1...2...3! It's over (8:30)

Afterward, referee Mike Kiener gets Awesome Bombed as well.

Mike Awesome has the microphone:

"Hey, Rob Van Dam! If you're not laid up in a hospital some place, why don't you drag your ass down here, and I'll show you just how AWESOME I can be!"

RVD comes out, only to get blind-sided by Sabu on the ramp. Sabu and RVD go at it outside the ring. Mike Awesome tries a Suicide Dive out of the ring onto RVD, but Van Dam sees it coming, and shoves Sabu in the way. Awesome Splash flattens Sabu and knocks Mike Awesome silly in the process.

(Crowd: RVD! RVD! RVD!")
Rob Van Dam to the top rope, does a HUGE moonsault onto both opponents as the copyright logo appears, and Joey Styles says

" Rob Van Dam is waging WARRRR!"

See you all next week!

E.C. Ostermeyer

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission