/ECW on TNN
/24 March 2000
ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer
ECW On TNN
This is your weekly excursion into the Arena of Extreme, known as the "ECW on TNN" recap for Friday, 24 March 2000, and I'm your recapper, ol' "Extra Cheesy," himself.
We are live on tape from the Icenter in Salem, NH where the male-female paid attendance ratio must be 500 to 1.
Your hosts are Joey "Check out my $350 Footjoys" Styles and the "Quintessential Mud Stuffin", er "Stud Muffin" himself, Joel Gertner.
Mr. Gertner opens this week's "Poetry Corner" with a little ditty about Cyrus being his "personal bitch." Super Crazy is introduced, and has some words for the fans in his native tongue that chiefly involve his projected TelevisionTitle defense against Yoshihiro Tajiri tonight.
As Mr. Tajiri makes his way to the ring, so does Cyrus, the (Network) Virus. (Don Callis must be having one heckuva good time in this role.) Cyrus has Spanish as a second (or, being Canadian, third) language, and so has taken exception to some of Super Crazy's earlier pronouncements. As Cyrus sees it, the only remedy is to make the Tajiri/Super Crazy match a "Japanese Death Match", ummm, minus the barbed wire and C4 explosives, however. (Booooo!)
As for Mr. Gertner, Cyrus got right up in Fat Boy's face and said that if Joel wanted to try and punch him, he'd go to jail, where he'd be REAL popular with the other inmates, seeing as there's so MUCH of him to go around.
Gertner, mastering himself, walked away from Cyrus.
However, Cyrus' last comment brought Joey Styles into the fray, discarding coat and glasses in the process. Cyrus dared Joey Styles to hit him saying that he'd be joining Gertner in the hoosegow, where they'd both be getting stuffed like Italian sausages. (Boy THAT"S an image I could do with out!) Cyrus begged Styles to hit him, saying he, Cyrus, would take one for the Network.
Slowly, the enraged Joey Styles calmed down, put his glasses back on, and left the ring as well.
As Styles walked away, the crowd chanted "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Match #1 Super Crazy d. Yoshihiro Tajiri (w/ Team Network) ECW World Television Title defense
The match opens With Tajiri in control. Action soon moved to the ringside area where Super Crazy rammed Tajiri into the steel guardrail, and then hit a moonsault driving Tajiri into the "cardboard flooring" covering the Icenter's ice rink. Crazy rolls Tajiri back into the ring, and hit another moonsault off the top rope. Crazy with punches in bunches, first in one corner, and then the other
Some neat chain-wrestling near-pin combinations followed, with Tajiri finishing with a sit-out drop kick to Super Crazy's forehead. Super Crazy decided he needed an equalizer, and grabbed a steel chair from ringside. Bad move, as the first thing Tajiri did was drop-kick it into Super Crazy's face. Tajiri took the chair away from Super Crazy, and there's a WHACK! on Crazy's head with the chair, then the chair gets drop-kicked into Super Crazy's face.
(Why? Couldn't you guys wait? Why not put your promos on later in the show; sayyyy, about where we are forced to listen to that hoarse, screechy, "sawing styrofoam" voice of Francine's for five minutes? Sheesh!)
Back to the action, and we're just in time to see Tajiri setting up not one, but TWO tables in the ring. Tajiri puts Super Crazy on the table, then drives him through it. No pin, though, as Super Crazy kicked out after only a 2 count.
Tajiri sets the other table against the turnbuckles, but Super Crazy reversed, and drove Tajiri through the table.
Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Super Crazy gets a table, puts Tajiri on it, and nails him with a moonsault. The table doesn't break, (Ouch!), so Super Crazy powerslams Tajiri through the table, and gets the win.
This brought out the rest of Team Network to exact revenge upon Super Crazy.
Super Crazy took a couple of punches and kicks from Jack Victory and Steve Corino, then countered with a double DDT on the both of them. Rhino entered the ring, and spears Super Crazy. As the rest of "Team Network" pile on, Metallica fires up, and out comes the Sandman, six-pack o' Utica Club, and Singapore cane, but no smokes!
The Sandman makes his way through the crowd, sharing two brewski's with the fans, as the whole place is howling "...sleep with one eye o-pen... " fit to frighten Saddam himself.
At ringside, Sandman has another cold one near the ring ropes, and Steve Corino takes a swipe at him.
WHACK! goes the cane on Corino's ankles, and THUMP! goes Corino's butt on the canvas.
Now Sandman's in the ring:
WHACK! that's one for Jack Victory.
WHACK! that's one for Tajiri;
PHHTBBBTHBBB! There's a face-full of beer for Steve Corino.
Sandman, stepping over Corino, (who's clutching at his face and screaming,) confronts his nemesis, Rhino.
Looks like batting practice is about to commence, with Rhino's head in the role of "The Ball!"
Sandman steps up, digs in, and
WHACK! Sandman hits a grounder down the first base line. Rhino's staggered by the blow, but he doesn't go down.
Sandman, grinning, spits on his hands, chokes up on the cane and
WHACK! there's one up the middle. Rhino's knocked to one knee by the force of the blow,
Sandman's grin gets broader as
WHACK! Boy, he really got a piece of that one! Line drive down the right field line into the corner, extra bases for sure. Rhino's knocked to his knees, glassy-eyed. But, dog-gone it, he still won't stay down!
Sandman's looking for others to play ball with, and spots Tajiri. Whoops, Tajiri's been waiting for Sandman, and nails him with the "Green Mist" right in the eyes. Sandman's staggering around on the mat, howling, digging at his eyes, as Rhino sets and gores Sandman, flattening him. Mr. Timekeeper is frantically ringing the bell, but having little effect. Rhino sets up and piledrives Sandman into the canvas. There's a piledriver for Super Crazy as well. Cyrus is back in the ring, as "Team Network" celebrates their "victory", and we go to
When we come back, Cyrus is on the stick.
"Let me tell you people something! Nobody, not Super Crazy, not some godforsaken drunk mental case," (kicks the Sandman's prone carcass) "NOBODY stands up to..."
(holds up Access Badge, which is getting pretty cracked and frayed by now. AND still says "Ft. Lauderdale Arena" on it!)
"... The Network!"
Crowd: "Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
Jack Victory is stomping on Super Crazy, and just having a hell of a time doing it. Corino's shouting encouragement.
Cyrus, feeling cocky, continues.
"So if there's anybody in the back, or ANYBODY in this building, or this STATE, who's got the guts to stand up to "The Network", c'mon down here and meet "The Network" RIGHT NOW!
And out comes Balls Mahoney.
Crowd: "Balls! Balls! Balls!"
Joel Gertner (JG): "To take on the five guys who are in the ring right now, you'd have to be very brave, or severely deranged, and Balls Mahoney is probably both!"
Joey Styles (JS): "And that's bad for "The Network", but good for ECW!"
Cyrus is hollering at Balls Mahoney, " Hey, you wanta piece of me? Hah? You wanta piece of ME?"
He's not noticing that Team Network have decamped to pastures new, not wanting ANY part of Mr. Mahoney, and especially not his steel chair
JS: "Hey, where's Cyrus' backup?"
JG: "They BACKED UP!"
There are two people in the ring, now, but only one of them knows it, and it ain't Cyrus! He's still yelling at Balls Mahoney.
"You wanta piece of me? You wanta piece of me and my friends?"
Balls Mahoney makes a gesture that clearly says "What friends? Where'd they go?"
Cyrus, oblivious, keeps taunting Mr. Mahoney.
"How stupid are you, you dumb sonuvabitch, to come out here and deal with my four fr...?!"
Cyrus turns, and realizes that he's all alone in the ring with Balls Mahoney and his pet chair.
Cyrus face-sells "OOOPS!"
JS: "YES! YES! Do it, Balls! Split his head WIDE open! No more Cyrus! No more ROCKIN' BOWL!"
Cyrus, kneeling and terrified, is holding up the Access Badge like a crucifix before Dracula.
Balls, ever-mindful of not sending his victims into the "Great Beyond" unshriven, blesses Cyrus with the Sign of the Cross, ECW style.
However, his steel-chair benediction gets interrupted when Corino grabs the chair from behind, and Rhino gores Balls to the mat.
Cyrus, ecstatic, is slapping Rhino on the back, and heaping abuse on the fallen Mr. Mahoney. The rest of Team Network joins in with fists and feet.
Cyrus: "Just in case you needed a little visual aid..."
(Cyrus gets right in Balls Mahoney's face)
"Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, stands up..."
(holds up Access Badge)
"...to 'The Network!'"
All members of Team Network raise their hands in victory as we go to
We come back, and are in a hallway of the Icenter. There's two soda machines in the background. Tommy Dreamer is busy at one of them
Angel and DeVito of "Da Baldies" are coming down the stairs towards the machines, as Angel says to Mr. Cameraman, "Follow us, man, we gotta git this on film!"
Tommy's busy trying to feed dollar bills into the Coke machine, and is not having much luck.
Angel: "Yo, Dream! Whuzzup, man? You need some change?"
Dreamer: "I hate these machines...!"
Angel: "I gotta roll o' quarters right here. Yo, Dream, check it out, man. I know we're straight about the same guy..."
Dreamer, puzzled, looks at Angel.
"...and I gave you hard props."
Dreamer: "...'kay...?" and goes back to fiddling with the Coke machine.
Angel: "But I know you give me respect because I am 'the King of the Streets'. But don't take this personal, it's just business.
Tommy gives Angel a perplexed look.
Angel: " Raven's got a hit on you, man, and"(shrugs his shoulders)" the boys are here to collect!"
And Angel hauls off and decks him one. The rest of "Da Baldies" pile in and pound on Tommy Dreamer, wrecking the two soda machines in the process.
DeVito: "Yeah, 'Just business', Dream!", and kicks Dreamer in the ribs.
Angel: " C'mon, lets go collect from Raven!"
Grimes: "Yeah, we deserve a tip...."
JS: "So Raven put a bounty on Tommy Dreamer."
JG: "And 'Da Baldies' have decided to collect."
JS: "We won't haveto wait long for this outcome, because its Tommy Dreamer against Vic Grimes of "Da Baldies" in just a few minutes!"
ECW arena schedule:
3/25 Wichita, KS
3/31 Richmond, VA (TNN taping)
4/1 Norfolk, VA
4/6 Cleveland, OH
4/7 Warren, OH
4/8 "The Flick", Buffalo, NY (TNN taping)
4/13 Indianapolis, IN
4/14 Evansvile. IN
4/16 St. Charles, MO
As Gertner shills for the now-defunct "ECW Magazine", we hear Alice in Chains' "Man in The Box" getting cranked up, and out comes Tommy Dreamer.
Vic Grimes is already in the ring, with fellow Baldies Angel and DeVito on the floor at ringside.
Courtesy of 1wrestlingdotcom, we see the events leading to the formation of the "Unholy Alliance" between Raven and Mike Awesome, and their subsequent winning of the ECW World Tag-team Titles from Tommy Dreamer and Masato Tanaka.
Match #2: Tommy Dreamer d. Vic Grimes (with Angel and DeVito)
Dreamer clotheslines Vic Grimes over the top rope and onto the floor at ringside.
Dreamer sends Grimes spinning into the steel guardrail, then, after motioning for the crowd at the other end to "get back", Dreamer whips Grimes over the opposite steel guardrail and into the crowd, then follows after him.
Dreamer drives the staggering Grimes up through the crowd to the Icenter penalty box. "Water-jug-fu" on Vic Grimes, followed by "Steel Chair-fu" on Grimes' head. The crowd is pretty raucous, especially some fan who's blocking Mr. Cameraman's efforts by holding up a big sign saying "GOT- "something or other.
Now Dreamer's taking Grimes back to the ring, but Mr. Cameraman's having a hard time following, or indeed, even keeping up, so great is the press of these great Icenter fans.
Bad job clearing the way by the ECW "Black Suits" this week.
Somebody's getting fired, I just know it.
Finally, after losing his way more than once, Mr. Cameraman makes it back to ringside.
Where Tommy Dreamer whacks Vic Grimes with a chair. Grimes staggers off, and into the waiting arms of Angel and DeVito, who give him a pep talk before sending him back into action.
And there's a Big Right Hand from Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer's Irish Whip gets reversed by Grimes, and Tommy hits the steel guardrail hard. Powerslam by Grimes onto the cardboard floor overlay on the ice rink.
Now all "Da Baldies" are piling on Tommy Dreamer with fists and feet. While Angel and DeVito keep the referee occupied, Grimes takes Dreamer into the crowd. They wind up at the back wall of the Icenter, near a camera scaffold, which Tommy Dreamer eats a piece of, courtesy of Mr. Grimes.
There's a table nearby (how convenient!) and Tommy Dreamer's laid out on it by "Da Baldies", as Grimes ascends to the top of the scaffolding. Dreamer sees Awful Danger, and rolls to the floor. That's all the same for Grimes, as he simply nails Dreamer to the floor with an elbow to the sternum. Ouch!
Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
"Da Baldies" pick up the prone form of Tommy Dreamer and "funeral march " him back to the ring, pausing only to adjust Tommy's in-seam by crotching him on the steel guardrail. Yeowtch!
Dreamer's rolled into the ring by Grimes, who then goes up top and hits a 400 lbs. Splash from the top turnbuckle. Cover,1,2, Dreamer kicks out!
Grimes picks Dreamer up, and tosses him over the top rope to the floor at ringside.
DeVito and Angel are waiting, and administer another beating to Tommy Dreamer. Angel whacks Dreamer with a steel chair. Grimes sits Dreamer in the very same steel chair, while Angel and DeVito walk up the ramp to the back. Grimes with a punch to the chest, then an elbow to the top of the head. Now Grimes is gnawing on Dreamer's eyebrow! Dreamer's just glassy-eyed, lolling around in the chair, as Grimes goes back into the ring.
Grimes with the running rebound off the far ropes, and tries a sloppy pescado onto the seated Dreamer. Only to have Dreamer move at the last second, and Vic Grimes somersaults onto the steel chair, collapsing it to the floor.
Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Tommy Dreamer, recovered, runs up the ramp and double-clotheslines Angel and DeVito from behind, taking them out.
Dreamer then returns to ringside and starts digging under the ring apron.
Crowd: "Table! Table! Table!"
Dreamer comes up with a ladder, which the fans like even better!
Now Angel's in the ring, and pounding Dreamer into a corner. Angel with the charge-in and LEAP, but Dreamer moves and Angel gets crotched on the top turnbuckle. Jeez, he's selling the heck out of that move!
Dreamer folds Angel down into the "Tree of Woe", and then adjusts his in-seam by standing on his crotch and bouncing up and down!
Yikes! I hope Angel wore a cup!
DeVito's in the ring, but his attempted run-in gets side-stepped by Tommy Dreamer, and DeVito runs full-tilt into Angel, still tied to the Tree of Woe, and making statements about his treatment.
DeVito, stunned, sits down hard on the mat.
Dreamer goes out to the floor, grabs both of DeVito's ankles and pulls REAL HARD, crotching him on Angel's head!
JS: "What the HELL was THAT?"
JG: "Whatever it was, it was effective!"
From the apron, Dreamer places the ladder across the top rope. Angel and DeVito get to their feet, see Dreamer, and make a rush at him. Just in time for Dreamer to teeter-totter the ladder, catching both DeVito and Angel under their respective chins, and leveling both with the double ladder shot!
Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Dreamer's got 'em both back on their feet; There's a double DDT, and stick a fork in both DeVito and Angel, they're done!
JS: "He immobilized Angel and DeVito, and now he can deal with Vic Grimes!"
JG: "Looks like dealing with Vic Grimes entails another trip into the crowd for Tommy Dreamer!"
So once again, Mr. Grimes must follow where Tommy Dreamer leads, only this time, there's a couple of burly ECW "Black Suits" clearing a path for them both, and also Mr. Cameraman.
Back behind the stands, Tommy suplexes Grimes onto the "cardboard-covered ice rink" and then finds a table conveniently nearby.
Oh look, and there's another camera scaffold as well.
Grimes is laid out on the table, then Tommy climbs up onto the scaffold, next to Mr. Cameraman's union brother.
Then, with the crowd going out of it's collective mind, and cheering like crazy, Dreamer does a New Jack salute, jumps the 10 feet and nails Grimes through table with a BIG Bionic Elbow. The table is not just split, but actually shattered into a whole LOT of pieces.
Dreamer extracts the carcass of Vic Grimes from the wreckage of the table, and hauls him back to the ring.
Once there, Dreamer positions the ladder, and then sets Grimes up for a DDT onto it.
But Grimes counters the move with a back heel trip-up, and Tommy Dreamer takes the ladder right in the back REAL hard!
Grimes, sensing victory, goes up top, and tries a Senton bomb onto Tommy Dreamer.
Dreamer rolls out of the way just in the nick of time, and Grimes' back lands full force on the ladder.
Tommy with the lateral press, hooks the near leg, 1,2,3! (12:22)
Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
We come back, to find Reverend James Vandenberg holding forth in the ring, taking credit for the formation of the Unholy Alliance between Raven and Mike Awesome, and to make them ECW World Tag-team Champions.
"Let's just say, you have to give the devil....his DUE!" pontificates Vandy, then giggles uncontrollably as Francine enters the ring.
Looks like it was a rough night back in Red Hook.
"Oh my! It's the Whore of Babylon!"
"Now Francine, just like the serpent who tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden, allow me to offer you this microphone, because I'm sure everyone would like to hear what pearly gobs of wisdom OOZE out of your mouth! (Oooog!)
Francine, suddenly self-conscious, wipes the corners of her mouth.
"So why don't you just show us yourrrrrrrr..."
Vandy bends down 'til he's almost level with Francine's waist, then snaps back up!
Francine's got the microphone.
"Give... the Devil... his DUE?! First of all, nobody in this company even knows what your NAME is! Unlike myself, whom everybody knows...and loves!"
JG: "I've known he and loved her."
JS: " I hear you're not alone!"
"I am the Queen of Extreme! I have managed the World Heavyweight Champions! I have managed the World Television Champions! I've managed the World Tag-team Champions! I've even gotten Tommy Dreamer to a championship. Tommy DREAMER, for Christ's sake!"
Francine gives Reverend Vandenberg a Seinfeld's Elaine "Get OUT!" shove, then looks contrite.
"Whoops, sorry, no disrespect!" (Rolls her eyes!)
"But you're gonna come out here, and take credit for something that everybody KNOWS I accomplished?"
JS: "She sure is full of herself..."
JG: "She sure is full of Raven!"
"You see, everybody in this audience know how HOT I am!
Every man in this audience would LOVE to have me..."
JG: "Those that haven't already...!"
"But you see, none of you are man enough to EVER have me!"
JG: "She doesn't need to have a man, she's BI-LINGUAL!" (Oooo, good one, Joel!)
"I am demanding credit, for Raven and Mike Awesome's titles! I left Tommy Dreamer to go with Raven, and what did he do? Win the Tag-team championship! Yeah, that's right, it's me and NOT YOU!
"And I... DEMAND... RESPECT!
"I... DEMAND... CREDIT!
"What about me? "
"WHAT ABOUT FRANCINE??!"
Remember my comment about scheduling the commercials in a spot other than during a match?
THIS would be a GREAT place!
Joey Styles' take on this little tirade:
"And so Francine is claiming responsibility for the Unholy Alliance.
"Did she put the hit out on Tommy Dreamer?
"Is SHE the evil mastermind?"
Out comes the ECW World Tag-team Champions, the Impact Players. They stalk towards the ring, and as they climb the ring-ropes, (hey, good angle on that shot of Dawn Marie, Mr. Cameraman!), Joey Styles gets the last word:
"All HELL is about to break loose in ECW!"
See you next week.
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