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/6 May 2000

ECW Hardcore TV


Guest columnist: Tanvir Raquib


So what's up, people?
Trying to claim some sanity now that I'm going back to college after a week and a half vacation. Weird, I go back to school and I contribute to [slash] twice in one week! I Need a Haircut  and This Thing Called the Internet  are the names of my contributions so you might wanna take a gander at what I've written for the site. Hopefully, this will give you more of an idea how horribly fucked up my head is at. Hehe...
Anyhow, I'm getting comfy with the ECW Hardcore recaps. I actually dig horrendously low production values and all. That's why I'm recapping this week's show. Fan Cam BAYBEE!!!
I LOVED mdb's Thunder recap this week. The introduction was fucking priceless as far as I'm concerned. Too bad Wrestleline can't take the time to highlight "RUN-IN OF THE MATCH". It's much more readable on [slash] - There's more space and the colors look somewhat friendlier to me than Wrestleline's. I'd like all of you to read mdb's Thunder Recap so you can get what I'm talking about. (Hey, he plugged me! I can't plug him?)
Can I plead for an email or two? Let me know you're out there, kay?
"As far as El Dandy and Silver King, I see absolutely nothing in them from a talent point of view."
- Vince Russo on

ECW Hardcore - Email me and tell me sweet nothings.
From the Mid-Hudson Civic Center in Poughkipsee,NY, we see Simon Diamond coming to the ring with the Wonder Twins, Mitch Goes To Hollywood and the Musketeer (?).
Joey Styles welcomes us to the show and tells us that Cyberslam 2000 threw ECW into turmoil more than any other show ever in the promotion's history.
This leadus to clips from Cyberslam 2000 of...Lance Storm injured in the ring...Tazz giving Tommy Dreamer the ECW Heavyweight Title...Dreamer hugging Raven...Justin Credible yelling at a bleeding Dreamer...Credible throwing down the ECW Tag Titles...Credible piledriving Raven...Francine low-blowing Dreamer (no oral sex jokes, nope)...Credible piledriving and pinning Dreamer...Credible with Francine and Jason, posing with the new acquired belt.
Diamond says he has a problem. He says he's sick and tired of everyone thinking he's a comedy act. He's a blue chip athlete and to show what kind of athlete he is, he's challenging anybody in the back to face him.
Cue That Opening Montage, Heyman!
Tommy Dreamer comes out. Here's this "E-C-W" chant that we've come to expect over the years. I think he's a fan favorite, don't you?
SIMON DIAMOND (w/ previously mention allies) vs. TOMMY DREAMER
Your referee is H.C. Loc, so expect some shit to go down. Diamond starts with several punches. He's a righty. Dreamer staggers around while Diamond beats his ass. Ooo...Dreamer gets his eyes raked on the ring rope. Diamond whips Dreamer - Dreamer counters a hiptoss into a neckbreaker. Dreamer whips Diamond - spinbuster by Dreamer. Dreamer motions to the crowd - let's take this match outside the ring! Dreamer throws Diamond out the ring and whips him into the stell guardrail. Dreamer hits Diamond with a styrofoam cup. Dreamer chokes out Diamond. Who's the face? He places a bell on Diamond's crotch - and wait for it...rings it! The crowd is all going "E-C-W!" Diamond writhes in pain - clutching his area. Dreamer sets up Diamond for the Spicolli Driver, but Musketeer distracts Dreamer. Dreamer lays a punch on our hero of the Middle Ages. Dreamer back to work on Diamond with punches. Crosscorner whip by Dreamer is reversed - Dreamer runs into a clothesline by "Prodigy" Tom Marquez, one half of the Wonder Twins. Our Ref Loc didn't see it - Diamond's cohorts kept him busy by whispering sweet nothings into his ear; okay, maybe not. The crowd boos this turn of events. Diamond with some stomps and punches. Cross corner whip by Diamond. Dreamer fights back with some punches. Dreamer attempts a whip, but Diamond blocks that and delivers a Russian Legsweep. Diamond with the Move of the Show: a head-scissor variation; by adding more pressure to one side of the neck while the other leg is underneath Dreamer's armpit. Very cool move. Too bad Dreamer counters this move with a bite to Diamond's leg. Say it with me now: Dreamer R00LZ!!!! Heh. Dreamer pulls down Diamond's tights (not all the way) to roll him up for 2. Diamond with a clothesline - lateral press for 2. Maybe if he hooked the leg; Diamond could've pinned him. They should try that more often! Diamond with the Rolling Snap Suplexes (Joey called it but it aint a snap suplex unless Benoit does it) but Dreamer blocks and hits his own. Both men down. Crowd clapping for Dreamer. Diamond tries a clotheslin - Dreamer ducks and picks Diamond up and plants him Tree of Woe style on a nearby turnbuckle. Dreamer step on Diamond's crotch for good measure. Dreamer gets a chair for Anonymous Ring Crew Guy. Mitch comes in and hits a weaker than anything umbrella shot. Come ON, Mitch. I'd hit him harder than that! Dreamer no-sells this and sticks an umbrella up Mitch's legs. He places a chair over Diamond's upside down head. Dreamer rips off Tajiri! Woohoo! Musketeer in - we're gonna have a fencing match. Dreamer puts an end to this "duel" with a kick and a Spicolli Driver. Fencing is for the bourgoise - ick. Dreamer gets an umbrella to his BALLS from Diamond. Diamond hooks the tights for a schoolboy that gets 2. Diamond with a scoopslam. Prodigy and Prodigette fight for who will hit the Moonsault on Dreamer. Prodigette wins the argument, but misses the Moonsault. Dreamer with a Double DDT for both the Wonder Twins. H.C. Loc with some chops for Diamond. Dreamer with a DDT. Dreamer covers - 1,2,3. (6:38)
Shill us that PPV! It's on May 14, 2000! It's the day before my birthday! It's also the day before my Political Science final! It's history in the making - it's E-C-W!
Smarten yourself up by calling that Hardcore Hotline. It's really worth the $1.99 American or $2.49 Canadian!
Hardcore Revolution is STILL available! GO buy it - you know it's worth the money!
Wow, ECW has their OWN WEBSITE! But where's the annoying AdCast banner in this ad?
"Secret Insider Wrestling Information" - take a WILD FUCKING GUESS who's getting the plug!
Sandman T-Shirt and House Show Plug Concludes This Last Batch of Commercials.
We cut to Mikey Whipwreck and the Sinister Minister in a motel room. Mikey offers the Minister some of his Doritos. Minister says no and that Mikey can help himself. Mikey says he held the ECW Tag Titles twice with Cactus Jack, but when Justin Credible threw down his tag title belt, he sold his soul. Minister says Credible didn't sell his soul to him, in fact, no one's sold their soul to him in a LONG TIME. He says that Mikey can either bring Credible's Heavyweight Title or bring back Credible's soul. Mikey says that if he doesn't bring back the belt, he has to bring back his soul and if he doesn't bring back his soul, he has to bring back his belt. But what if he can't bring back either, Mikey asks. Mikey offers his own soul just in case. Minister replies by saying no one wants Mieky's soul; not even Mikey himself. Mikey then asks if he can bring back Francine. Minister says that the part of Francine that he really wants is really worn out - word on the street is [Minister spreads two of his fingers a good inch or so apart] Justin Credible fits Francine like a tricycle in a 2 car garage. Mikey and the Minister laugh hysterically. Mikey drops all his chips on the floor! Funny shit.
Styles is back. He says that joke reminds me of Paul E's classic: Getting it on with Missy Hyatt is like throwing a hot dog into Yankee Stadium! Styles runs down the upcoming schedule leading up to Hardcore Heaven.
Justin Credible and Francine for another interview. Lemme note Credible wearing a Shawn Michaels Wrestling Academy T-shirt. Credible says everybody wants a piece of him. He asks us if we know what it's like looking over your shoulder 24-7. He asks us if we know what it's like sleeping with one eye open. Credible Steals Crash Holly's Gimmick! You heard it here first! He runs down the 2 things we fans wanna see: Credible loing the belt and Francine stripping butt-nekkid. Francine says it ain't happening, but she's stripping Dawn Marie naked so we can see how much cellulite the "bitch" has in her ass. Both close with some kinda that by me again?
We gotta remember about that Hardcore Heaven thing!
Not So Ridiculously Outdated Impact Players T-shirt and Meaningless House Show Plug.
Styles mentions ECW on TNN, which featured the frst confrontation of the now-defunct Impact Players. Ostermeyer does this more justice than I ever could, so read his very detailed description of this and come right back, ya hear?
We get several small clips of the Lance Storm - Kid Kash match that resulted out of this.
We also see the ending clips of Jerry Lynn - Scotty Anton also from ECW on TNN - Rhino spearing Anton thru a table - Lynn hitting a pescado on Corino - RVD getting his ass kicked - Tajiri kicking heel ass - RVD diving onto Lynn and Anton.
Hardcore Heaven! Hardcore Heaven! Hardcore Heaven!
ECW's Hardcore Hotline is designed to be Smart Mark friendly, honest!
ECW Hardcore Revolution in a capitalist society. Talk about oxymorons!
Mikey Whipwreck enters the ring.
Styles says something.
Justin Credible and Francine walk themselves into the ring. Francine looks VERY do-able for once. It's the hair!
Blah Blah Blah...I'm tired of Smartass comments about these lame commercials!
Credible on the other side of the ropes. Credible yells and says something that gets a long 45 second bleep, another 10 second bleep and then tells Francine that these fans aren't worth it and they can go f[2 second bleep]. They walk away from the ring. Francine turns back and decides to stay put. Credible still walking with his back turned. Whipwreck walks up behind him and wails away with soem punches. Bell sounds so...
MIKEY WHIPWRECK vs. JUSTIN CREDIBLE (w/ Francine and ECW Heavyweight Title)
Mikey pushes Credible safely off the ramp onto a guardrail. Mikey with a punch and whips him onto soem guardrails. Punches by Mikey. They're walking around, damnit. Mikey slams Credible's head onto the guardrail and brings Credible half-way in (legs sticking out) the ring. Mikey with a slingshop legdrop. Cover for 2. Mikey with a punch. Mikey drops Credible to the outer cnavas of the ring. Mikey sets up for a Russian Legsweep, but Credible counters with an eyegouge and elbows. Mikey BACK FIRST onto the guardrail! Credible posing for the fans. Hey, I get this...It's the put your somewhat OVERRATED and LAZY ECW Champion [See: Tazz, Awesome and now, Credible] and put him against psycho bumping midcarder [See: Tajiri, Spike Dudley and now, Mikey Whipwreck] formula. Makes sense, right? Credible with a plastic cup shot to Mikey's head and lays in soem punches as well. Credible placing a set up chair in the middle of the ring. Credible whips Mikey - punch and slams Mikey's shoulder right onto the chair.Mikey gets thrown out of the ring. Credible with more posturing, then he goes out of the ring. Credible slams Mieky's head into a guardrail, then they both go into the crowd. Well, the front row only, but still. Credible with some punches and a double axe handle. Justin's a REAL bumptaker, ain't he? Just following the long tradition of "non-extreme" ECW Champions! Mikey thrown back into the ring. Mikey's head slammed into a turnbuckle. Credible with punches and kicks. Hey, this guy is DOGGING IT, but he'll still kick my ass. Credible with MORE posturing. Credible with an easy not-quite powerbomb spot for 2. Credibvle whines to the ref. He picks up a chair, then drops it. Credible with a couple of punches and an elbow to Mikey's head. Credible with the Second Turnbuckle Elbow to the Throat Spot for 2. Credible with a chinlock. Crowd claps, whcin enables the "superman Comeback" for Mikey...well, not quite. Credible pulls his head down to the mat. Credible is DESPERATE looking for heat here. Just wrestle, damnit. Credible with a legdrop and ANOTHER chinlock. Mikey back up with some elbows and avoids Credible's dropkick. Mikey slingshots Credible over the top rope onto a table. Credible DID bump...somewhat. I guess he's already better than Tazz then. Mikey out of the ring - whips Credible onto a ring post. Mikey with a punch and pulls Credible back in. Mikey with a crosscorner whip - Credible with HBK wannabe Flair Flop spot. Mikey with a Russian Legsweep for 2. Mikey sets up a chair. Mikey walks toward the champ, but Crediblt hits a mule kick to Mikey's crotch. Credible places the chair flat on the mat. Looks like he's going for That's Incredible, but Mikey gets a punch in and hits a chair assisted DDT for 2. Francine makes the save. Mikey spots Francine and gets her in powerbomb position, but gives her a wedgie by pulling really hard on her thong! Unfortunately, Mikey's back is turned, so Credible grabs his cane and wacks Mikey REAL HARD on his head with it. Cover for 2 - Mikey kicked out! Dayum. We see Francine rearrange the positioning of her thong. Quite humorous to see on syndicated TV. Credible going up top...but get crotched by Mikey! Mikey going for the Whippersnapper but Credible pushes him down. Credible with a crossbody, which Mikey reverses for 2. Both men getting up - Credible grabs a chair. Mikey gets a boot to the guy and hits the Stunner for only 2! Mikey with a whip - reversal - caneshot by Francine to Mikey's back - boot to Mikey's head by credible. Credible with WEAKASS cover for 2. Crowd clapping simultaneously for this. Credible with a crosscorner whip - Mikey up and ALMOST over - Credible catches him, sets him up and hits That's Incredible. It's OVER. (9:50) Is this the longest match I've ever done PBP for? Maybe...maybe!
I'm Tired of Commercials! Fast Forward!
Miserlou this Baby! It's almost over!
Sandman puffs on a cig and says it's a week away from the PPV and he's gonna show Rhino why the people of Milwaukee cal him the King of Extreme. He hits himself in the head with the cane a coupla times. Ouch!
Styles shills Hardcore Heaven.
RVD, Scotty Anton and Bill Alfonso says...all together now "Rob-Van-Dam!" Anton says "Cut."
Jerry Lynn (w/ noticeable bruise on his head) says that since he's started in ECW, all he's ever wanted was to win a title; it's his dream, it's what he's worked for. When Credible threw down his tag title, he pissed on everyone's hopes and dreams, he says. He concludes by saying that there's one thing standing in the way of a title shot, and that's Van Dam. Credible doesn't wanna face him, but he will face the man that beats Van Damn. He says it's him -Jerry Lynn, the whole F'N [deep voice added] SHOOWWWW! Whatta metalhead!
RVD, Anton grace us with their presence once more. RVD says that Anton's getting a pop because he's best buds with him. He asks if Anton wants to put him on his shoulders. Anton says "Cut" once more.
Justin Credible and Francine up next. Credible says that since Storm trained and taught him, he knows what he's gonna come at him with.
RVD says he's the whole F'N show. Him and Fonzie blow their whistles. Anton seems a little irritated by the noise pollution. Anton says "Cut" once again.
Credible says we're gonna see a champion who is Justin Credible.
Fonzie asks Anton who's his favorite wrestler. Van Damn says something about airtime. Help me, Shannon!
Dangerous Alliance is here. Lou E. Dangerously whines about the tag titles' fall. He says they're dangerous or something. REAL intimidating shit...NOT!
Nova and Chris Chetti give an absolutely HILARIOUS interview: They try to cut a serious interview, but their shallow babyface selfs shine so clearly. Nova namedropps past great tagteams. Chetti says he's been wrestling since the age of 4, but every match was won in the ring. They're supposedly pissed about Credible's actions.
Danny Doring and Roadkill with their shot. Doring BLOWS on the mic. He's SO BORING - Just wrestle, Danny, but don't kick my ass, please?
Doring: You, my friend are just a -
Roadkill: Chicken - Pfft!
RVD, Anton and Fonzie back AGAIN. Fonzie yells, RVD waxes poetic on Lynn and the Network. RVD and Fonzie wait for Anton to say "Cut" but he stands stoic.
Styles shills Hardcore Heaven. Lance Storm vs. Justin Credible sounds interesting, right?
Cyrus and Rhino are up for the big finish! Cyrus talks about the PPV and the Sandman, who he refers to as a drunk. Rhino with a scary and angry look on his face. His interview isn't even an interview. It's just full of intimidation, anger and the "I'm gonna kick you ass" vibe is up to fucking 10 with this guy. This guy makes me piss my pants in fear!
See ya later! Worldwide Recap in 2 Weeks! Finals baby!
Tanvir Raquib
[slash] wrestling
Increase the Peace, you Lowlife!

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission