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/26 May 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




Hear ye, hear ye!
Come one, come all to the Gwinnett Civic Center, town of Duluth in the Great State of Georgia, USA.
There to witness such acts of bravery and daring of a band of stalwart warriors that should set the very Heavens laughing at the foolhardiness of these mere mortals, come to challenge and strive in the Hell on Earth that is "The Arena of Extreme. "
Milords, ladies, and gentlemen, pray silence whilst we hear of a sorry tale. That tale being known to your worships as,
"The Travails Suffered of the Wrestler, one Sandman by Name, and Also of His Beloved Wife at the Hands of the Foul Creature, Rhino, a Low Person of Ill Renown."
See how the brave Sandman consumes the potent, heady brew by which his combative prowess is enhanced.
See also how he wreathes his noble brow with diaphanous clouds of freshly ignited Virginia and Turkish blends, both to sharpen the eye and quicken the pulse, and also to choke and confuse his opponent upon the noxious fumes.
Marvel at the amazing dexterity of Our Hero, who can disarm and disable an opponent of such Brobdinagian proportions, that such deeds could scarce be ascribed to mere mortal such as we.
Yet see, and let your eyes moisten in righteous sympathy and indignation, as the Sandman's wife is cruelly used by the foul beast, Rhino, who, though giving no occasion for inappropriate behavior, nevertheless did violence upon her person whilst in the presence of her husband.
And finally, see how the morose and downcast Sandman, his wife's broken body clutched unto his fearful bosom, is himself beset with injuries most foul by the craven behemoth.
And all of this tragedy filmed in glorious black & white, while some third rate orchestra slaughters some poor composer's magnum opus and calls it background music.
Truly a tale for the ages is it not?

A tale?
Ummmm, nah!

Opening Credits.

This is the "ECW on TNN" recap for Friday, 26 May 2000, and I'm your recapper, "Eeeegggghhhh Catchoooooo!"

We are live on tape from the Gwinnett Civic Center in Duluth, GA, (taped 19 May 2K), and the place is packed to the rafters with enough wildly cheering "Target Demographic" to give Cyrus an orgasm on the spot!

We are coming to you from the storage roo- er, "ECW Control Central."

"Welcome to ECW, on the only TV network where moonshine is considered an after-dinner cordial!"

There appears to be a frog and a toad on my TV screen.
Both well dressed, of course, but still...

Naw, it's just Joey Styles (JS) and the "Quintessential Stud Muffin", Joel

"TNN's a disgrace, no if's, and's, or butz
And they've got Cyrus, their technical wrestling putz
We hate them, and they hate our gutz
But now, it's about time for them to kiss our nutz..."


Styles gives Joel a look, then says, "Let's go to Steven Prazak."
He shakes his head, sadly.

Prazak, a graduate of the "Geraldo Rivera School of Ambush Journalism," is in a backstage hallway.
He bursts in on ECW World Heavyweight Champion Justin Credible, who is sitting slumped against a wall, while the Queen of Extreme, Francine, looks on anxiously. Prazak immediately starts jabbering away at Credible, pressing him for information on the concussion he supposedly received at the hands of Raven. Francine, miffed, says Prazak he's stupid to even ask such a question, and tells
him to butt out. Now.
Prazak, undaunted, huffily tells Francine that he's got hundreds of thousands of ECW freaks (Hey, now...) out there who want to know whether Credible's vulnerable because of the oncussion. Francine, now really provoked, starts jabbering again. She gets pie-faced by an enraged Justin Credible, who rounds on Prazak, saying that because he's the Champion, he's become a target and therefore can't make any mistakes. So don't EVER call him vulnerable! Prazak quails under Credible's glare at a six-inch range, and slumps down the toilet stall door.

ECW Hotline promo, ECW Extreme Warfare vol.2, Pep Boys git yer motor runnin', "Gone In Sixty Seconds" movie promo, The Money Store (We Own You!), "Battle Tank" vidgame promo: See the World. Blow it up. Looks good on your permanent record. Just For Men. Looks so natural, no one can tell. Really. I mean it. Stop laughing, will ya?

Aw jeez, here's Simon Diamond lurking with intent in a men's room.
Apparently, he's unhappy with his current lot in life, and thinks a change in partners would do the trick.
We play "Let's Make a Deal", where The Prodigy & Prodigett pop out of Stall #1, arguing in Spanish over which one gets to be Simon's partner.
Stall #2 holds The Musketeer and Some Guy With an Umbrella who's hollering, "Pick Me! Pick Me!" Simon gives them both a shove and slams the stall door.
A flush gurgle resounds from Stall #3, and out steps Johnny Swinger, who during a pose-down in front of the mirror, relates that he's from Atlanta, and can solve Simon's problem for him, so don't sing it, swing it! Simon's happy now, because he doesn't have a problem anymore.

Match #1 Masato Tanaka d. Balls Mahoney, (Tornado DDT through an , ummm, "enhanced" table/pin, 12:32)

Gertner says that Tanaka and Balls Mahoney have a unique relationship, being both tag-team partners and carrying on a fierce personal rivalry with each other.
Well, any match where Joey Styles says, "Looks like Jim Molineaux is going to referee, the poor bastard!" is bound to be a wild one.
Gertner makes several crude and pointless remarks, all based on the fact that Mahoney's first name is "Balls", much to Joey Styles' consternation, and we get underway.
Tanaka opens with a collar and elbow tie-up, then switches to a waistlock. Balls powers out, but Tanaka counters with a go-behind into an arm wringer. Balls is driven down on one knee, but reverses the arm wringer into a hammer lock. Tanaka counters with a rolling fireman's carry, and flips Balls Mahoney to the mat. Attempted armbar by Tanaka is thwarted when Mahoney gets to the ropes. Styles relates Mahoney's extensive background in amateur wrestling, and also that he's banned for life from ANY amateur event, up to and including the Olympics, because he once broke the back of an opponent, and then punched out the referee.
(Y'know, that's a reputation that could be a good thing to have. Kinda like being blackballed from the Playboy Club.)
Tanaka and Balls are trading chops and kicks. Balls pokes Tanaka in the eye, then gnaws on his head for good measure. Big Right Hand by Balls. A whip to the ropes gets reversed into a hip-toss by Tanaka, who follows up with a dropkick. Armdrag flips Balls to the mat, and Tanaka locks on an armbar. Both wrestlers get to their feet, and Balls pokes Tanaka's eye once more. Six stiff left jabs by Mahoney, with the crowd hollering "Balls!" at every one. Big wind-up on the right hand ("Baaaaallllllllls...BALLS!") and Tanaka's slumped in the corner. Whip to the far corner by Mahoney, who stops it mid-way with a snap clothesline, and a cover, but only gets a two count.

Gertner makes some tasteless comments about Japanese and Chinese women, outraging Joey Styles.
Tanaka rolls out of the ring, but Balls Mahoney follows, and we have an impromptu beer drinking session at ringside, where Balls grabs a beer cup from a fan, drinks some and smashes the semi-full cup on Tanaka's forehead. This occurs several times before Tanaka's finally had enough and whips Mahoney into the steel guardrail. Tanaka then grabs a steel chair, gets a running start, and really pastes Mahoney a good one right on the noggin. Tanaka clocks Mahoney with a right hand, then tosses the chair into the ring. Mahoney, groggy, rolls back into the ring as well.
Tanaka tosses another chair into the ring, climbs inside...
and immediately gets walloped by Mahoney, who was "playin' possum".
Balls hammers a couple of Big Right Hands on Tanaka's noggin.
Mahoney's whip to the ropes gets countered by a nicely-done powerslam, followed by a frog splash and a cover, but Tanaka only gets two.
Tanaka with a chop, but his whip also gets reversed by a Mahoney rolling sit-down slam, and a cover for two.
Mahoney goes to the top rope, BIG FROG SPLASH that shakes the WHOLE RING, and a cover, 1,2, NO!
Balls is on the top turnbuckle, playing up the crowd, then grabs a chair. Tanaka, staggering to his feet, does likewise.
Looks like the duel is on.

Clang! Clang! Clang!

Mahoney kicks Tanaka in the breadbasket.

There's a chair shot to Tanaka's head.
Tanaka shakes it off, looks to the crowd, then dares Mahoney to hit him again.

JS: "Still up!"

Mahoney winds up and...

Tremendous blow from Mahoney knocks Tanaka to the mat. Cover by Mahoney, hooks the far leg,1,2, no!
Mahoney's back up arguing with Jim Molineaux about the slow count.
This, of course, allows Tanaka to get to his feet, steel chair in hand. Balls doesn't know that Tanaka's waiting for him until he turns around and...

Balls no-sells the heck out of the chair shot, then gives Tanaka the finger.

Mahoney, contemptuous, starts the old "in-out" motion with his right hand, sneering at Tanaka.

Tanaka uncorks one unholy clout with the chair right on Mahoney's head. Balls staggers, swaying like an oak in a storm, then keels over.

Cover by Tanaka, 1,2, not this time, and Mr. Cameraman treats us to a real close-up of the twisted wreckage that once was the steel chair Tanaka just used.
Balls staggers back to his feet, and eats a Roaring Elbow from Tanaka, who promptly covers but only gets a two count.
Tanaka piles the three chairs in the ring, but Balls gets to his feet and starts punching Tanaka in the head. ("Balls! Balls! Balls!" chants the crowd.) Whip across the ring, but the charge-in by Mahoney gets nothing but turnbuckle. Tanaka goes up top, cinches on a headlock, but his DDT attempt is reversed when Mahoney just throws Tanaka over his shoulder and body slams him onto the pile of steel chairs. Cover, 1,2, Tanaka kicks out!

(Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!")

A whip by Mahoney gets countered when Tanaka stops halfway, and nails Mahoney's head to the second turnbuckle with a drop toehold. This is followed by Tanaka's "Diamond Dust" finisher, but once again, Mahoney just barely kicks out in time. Tanaka next tries a flying chair shot from the top turnbuckle, but Mahoney superkicks the chair into Tanaka's face.

The crowd's hollering "Table! Table! Table!" Mahoney obliges...

and also grabs a small black bag.

JS: "What the heck is that?"

(Holy cow! They're NOT gonna show THIS on TNN, are they??!)

Mahoney sets up the table in the ring, pausing only to wallop Tanaka back in the corner.
He then opens the black bag...

...and dumps a golden shower of brass thumbtacks all over the tabletop!
JS: "Oh My GOD!"

The fans go absolutely nuts about the thumbtacks, and are hollering the "ECW!" chant even louder.

Mahoney climbs to the top turnbuckle, dragging Tanaka with him.

JS: "He's gonna piledrive Tanaka through that thumbtack-covered table!"
Tanaka, sensing Awful Danger, fights his way out of the hold, reverses it, and


Tanaka hits a Tornado DDT that drives Balls Mahoney headfirst through the thumbtacks, the table and finally the mat.
Tanaka, his back punctured by (Yeowtch!) dozens of thumbtacks, rolls a limp arm across the unconscious carcass of Balls Mahoney for the cover and,
the win.

Mahoney's head looks like he's wearing a brass helmet.
JG (hushed whisper): "Did you see his back? Did you see Tanaka's back?"
JS (awestruck): "There are thumbtacks stuck in the flesh of Masato Tanaka!"
JG: Mahoney must have them buried right into his skull!"

And of course, Onewrestlingdotcom has to show the whole gory mess not once, but twice!

Same old, same old.

We come back, and it's backstage promo time with the Lil' Red Guy. The Padre is about to comment on Mikey Whipwreck's new "devil-may-care" attitude, when he's interrupted by an enraged (and bandaged) Big Sal E. Graziano, who demands to know where Mikey is. Mikey, off-camera, nails Big Sal with another fireball.
The Padre tries the crazy laugh, but chokes mid-way. Mikey says that the Padre almost got his ass kicked, heeheeheeheeheehee!
Cut to "Control Central" showing Joel standing there, dumbfounded, while Joey Styles says that Big Sal wants some more of the Sinister Minister, and Little Guido wants more of Mikey Whipwreck.


We come back to find "Geraldo" Prazak attempting to interview a laconic Tommy Dreamer about Justin Credible's concussion. Dreamer, still not speaking, grabs Prazak by the scruff of the neck and tosses him out of the locker room.


Back in "Control Central", where Joey Styles updates us on the condition of Lori "Ms. Sandman: Fullington, who is still in the hospital recovering from injuries received at the hands of Rhino.

Back to the ring, where Yoshihiro Tajiri is joined by Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis and the rest of Team Network. Scotty Anton also arrives with Team Network, an they all start that "American Males" overhead clap business. Cyrus wants the crowd to join in. but gets a chorus of boos and catcalls for his pains. The "Asshole" chant is also much in evidence, as is a growing "RVD!" chant.
Cyrus calls Anton a great human being who has lived too long as "Rob Van Dam's Best Friend." Cyrus then asks Anton to tell the nice folks just who he is. Anton, a big possum grin on his face, says that he's there to give everybody "the clap!"
(Sheesh, and I thought WCW had some lame gimmicks!)
JS: "Only the Network could come up with a tag line like that!"

Tajiri crouched in the corner, is malevolently eyeing Anton, and appears coiling to strike!
Cyrus sees this, and restrains Anton, reminding him that he's a lover and not a fighter, and that he should go check on the "slap and tickle" girls for the big post-match celebration.
JG: "You mean the slap and tickle girls are here?"
JS: "Last time it was sucky-sucky in the limo!"
Cyrus is saying that, at the Network, it's all about ratings (JS: "Then why is RollerJam still on?") and that having two wrestlers with the same hair color was a ratings disaster. (JS: "What?!")
Therefore, Tajiri is going to face the New F'n Show, Jerry Lynn.

JG: "Does this mean that Jerry Lynn is in cahoots with the Network?"
JS: "I don't know, do you?"

Lynn comes to the ring, and ignores the handshake and high five attempts by Team Network. He glowers at Scotty Anton, then gets right in Cyrus' face for a staredown. Cyrus, being made uncomfortable, bails out of the ring, as do the rest of Team Network, and we are underway.

Match # 2: Jerry Lynn d. Yoshihiro Tajiri (cradle piledriver/pin, 7:13)

Tajiri and Lynn lock hands, but Tajiri breaks it with a stiff kick to Lynn's midsection. A whip to the ropes by Tajiri is reversed, and then reversed back as Tajiri hits Lynn with a shoulder block, sending him to the mat. Whip to the ropes again by Tajiri, and Lynn's leap-frog attempt gets met in mid-air by a double drop kick to the sternum that flattens Jerry Lynn.
Tajiri with another whip to the ropes, but Lynn counters Tajiri's cross-body block with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Lynn follows up with an inverted fireman's carry version of a Gory Guerrero airplane spin. After a couple of rotations, Tajiri breaks free, and nails Lynn with a boot to the in-seam. Tajiri does a fingernail rake down the back and a full nelson that ties up Lynn. A hip-toss later, and Lynn's on the canvas.
At ringside, Cyrus and Team Network are hollering encouragement to Jerry Lynn. Distracted, Lynn hollers angrily at Cyrus, but gets chopped by Tajiri. Both men trade karate chops, ("Whoooo!" goes the crowd at each one.) and Tajiri ends the exchange with a stiff spinning heel kick that nails jerry Lynn right on the forehead.
Lynn tries using the ropes to groggily get back on his feet, only to get another of those buzzsaw kicks in the temple, and down he goes again. Lynn crawls to the corner, and pulls himself up. Tajiri takes this opportunity to glare at Cyrus, but upon turning back, gets a chop to the face and a whip into the ropes from Jerry Lynn. Tajiri counters with his handspring elbow drop that flattens Lynn once again.
Tajiri, sensing victory, moves to capitalize, only to get a double knee lift to the face. Lynn sets up for the DDT, but Tajiri reverses and drops Lynn face first onto the top turnbuckle.
Tajiri rushes in for the kill, but Lynn ducks out of the way, and Tajiri hits the turnbuckels hard. Lynn with the run-in, and Tajiri does a float-over, and lands on the ring apron. His attempted headbutt through the ropes sets Tajiri up for Jerry Lynn's guillotine leg drop. Lynn does a second rope springboard into a double dropkick that sends Tajiri spinning into the steel guardrail. Tajiri's attempt at recovery gets floored by Lynn's towering pescado to the outside, and Tajiri hits the guardrail again.
Lynn rolls Tajiri back into the ring, but his attempted DDT gets countered with a Tajiri go-behind, followed by a judo sleeper hold, and both wrestlers take a well deserved breather.
This slows the action down, and allows Gertner to start raving about the injustices heaped in ECW by the Network, with Styles trying to shut him up.

Lynn breaks out of the sleeper with a sit-out jawbreaker that momentarily stuns Tajiri. Shaking his head to lose the star show, Tajiri counters with a vicious baseball slide double dropkick to Jerry Lynn's head. Tajiri then scoops up Jerry Lynn and

JS: "OH my God!"

... powerbombs Lynn on the back of his neck!
Cover by Tajiri, 1,2,no!
Kneedrop onto Lynn's forehead by Tajiri. A couple of kicks and then a whip to the corner. Lynn reverses the whip and counters with a powerbomb and a Victory Roll cover, but fails to get more than two. Powerslam by Lynn and a lateral press doesn't work either. Tajiri's attempt at an offensive slows because both wrestlers are getting tired. After a few moments, Lynn's back up, and starts stomping away at Tajiri, then does a half-hearted scoopslam. Lynn then goes for a steel chair, but gets it kicked back in his face by Tajiri and not once, but twice! A Tajiri spin kick gets disrupted when Steve Corino reaches through the ropes and trips up Tajiri, while Scotty Anton is distracting the referee. Jerry Lynn, scoops up Tajiri and nails his Cradle Piledriver for the pin and the win.

JG: "Again, Jerry Lynn wins by interference from Team Network."
JS: "But did he see the interference or was he still down on the mat?"
Post-match, Cyrus and Team Network are in the ring to celebrate, and also to administer the "Loser's Beat-down" on Tajiri. This continues until "Walk!" gets cranked up on the PA system, and out rushes Rob Van Dam ( with Bill Alfonso) to save the day.
Cyrus bails out.
Superkick for Steve Corino.
Superkick for Jack Victory.
Whoops, Scotty Anton wallops RVD from behind, then tries to lock in the "Sharpshooter."
This time, it's Tajiri who saves the day, with a "Red Mist" blast to Anton's face and a buzzsaw kick to the side of his head.
Team Network bails out at this point, only to have Rob Van Dam do a huge pescado onto them in the ring entrance, coincidentally hitting his head on the arena floor. As Team Network departs in ignominy, RVD climbs back in the ring, where there's high-fives all around, and both RVD and Tajiri bask in the plaudits of the crowd.

JS: "The war rages on between ECW and the Network, just as it does between the "US Male" Scotty Anton and Rob Van Dam."

Nothing more to see here, folks. Move along, please.

It's "Pulp Fiction" time again, where one of your favorite ECW sports entertainment personalities gets the film montage and rock music soundtrack treatment. This week, it's the lovely Dawn Marie, who has such a profusion of revealing outfits that she must get Christmas cards from "Victoria's Secret."

ECWwrestlingdotcom promo

ECW Upcoming Events:

6/2 New Orleans, LA
6/3 Pensacola, FL
6/9 Erie, PA
6/10 Pittsburgh, PA
6/17 Danbury, CT
6/27 Milwaukee, WI
6/29 Chicago, IL
7/1 Wichita, KS
7/7 Poughkeepsie, NY
7/8 ECW Arena, South Philly.

Backstage, Steve Prazak is frustrated about not getting to the bottom of the Justin Credible concussion affair. He then decides to ask Raven, who just happens to be slumped in a doorway. Raven starts whining about how he was betrayed by "that bitch" Francine.
Unfortunately for Raven, Francine was within earshot, and just tears into Raven, calling him a loser and a whole lot worse.
(We appreciative viewers are treated to a side of Francine only seen by her most intimate associates. Those that are looking, anyway.)
Francine finally slaps Raven across the face.
Well, Raven ain't havin' any of THAT, and bounds to his feet, seeking vengeance...
And gets walloped by Justin Credible wielding the Championship title belt. This brings in Tommy Dreamer, but his right hand also hits the title belt, and Credible follows it up with a whack to Tommy's forehead. Down goes Tommy Dreamer.

Francine, tickled at the chaos wrought on her behalf, starts up with "That's not just ...OWWW!"
Justin Credible yanks her away by her hair, hollering "Come ON!"
The bad guys depart, leaving carnage in their wake.

Closing credits, and we're done!

See you next week!

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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