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/30 June 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer




Looks like I've got another wrestling show that may be getting ready to bail out on me.
If the WWF heads to the "new", "edgier" TNN, then Paul Heyman and his little "Meat Puppet Passion Play" may be the one who'd be only too glad to have USA's "Walker: Texas Ranger" as a lead-in.

There's an old Swahili proverb that goes:
"When the elephants fight, the grass gets trampled."
Heyman's probably feeling like a bag of Turf Builder(tm) right about now.

This week's sojourn into the Arena of Extreme is brought to you live on tape from the "Rave" in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, taped 23 June 2000.
We open with Don "Cyrus the Virus" Callis sneering about Rob Van Dam challenging current ECW World Television Champion Rhino for "the Title he never lost."
However, RVD will be known as the "DEAD F'n Show" after he gets stomped on by the "Big F'n Deal", Rhino. The current champ does a darling impression of a constipated Jack Palance on the crapper.

Opening credits.

Your hosts, the crew-cut Joey Styles, and the poster boy for "Lower G-I tract Inspection", Joel Gertner, are in the ring, along with Yoshihiro Tajiri and the entire Full-Blooded Italians faction.

Joel's monologue promises to be a good one, but it gets cut off by Jerry Lynn, who arrives ringside wearing a referee's shirt. Interestingly, Lynn's carrying a TNN microphone. Styles and Gertner depart at Lynn's request. Jerry then recounts the events of last week's Main Event, where he got "mist-ified" (Gertner's phrase) by Tajiri, and messed up the call. It's a good thing Tajiri's got a problem understanding English, because Lynn's not very complimentary towards him while he recounts what happened.
However, Jerry's feeling bad about the missed call, so he's volunteering to call tonight's match in place of referee Danny Daniels.
Daniels says he doesn't need any help, thanks all the same.
However, Danny suddenly develops a splitting headache (courtesy of a Jerry Lynn cradle piledriver), and has to go lie down for a while.
Styles is shocked, and is all but convinced that Jerry Lynn has finally gone over to the Dark Side.

Match #1: Little Guido (w/ Full-Blooded Italians) d. Yoshihiro Tajiri, in a handicap (?) match (Big Sal E. Graziano powerslam/ Guido pin, 5:53)

Tony Mamaluke is in the ring all of twenty seconds before Tajiri chews him up and spits him out. (Brainbuster: 0:22)
Guido comes in, and the two trade blows, kicks, and blocks, with the crowd loving every minute of it. Single-leg takedown by Guido sends Tajiri to the mat, but Tajiri recovers quickly and nails Guido in the face with a knee drop. Guido counters a Tajiri punch with a neat takedown move. There's a chop ("Whoooo!"), and a couple more, followed by a cross-corner whip. Tajiri puts the boot to Guido's charge, staggering him. Tajiri does some chopping ("Whooo!") of his own, and then tosses Guido out of the ring. Guido gets a whole lot of steel guardrail, followed by a buzzsaw kick from Tajiri. Next, Guido gets to "ride the steel" as Tajiri crotches him on the steel guardrail.
Whoops, Tajiri's got a chair.
Guido's noggin gets a free make-over, and he's busted open.
Tajiri's in the ring, and decides that an entree of Guido forehead, (very rare) is in order. Tajiri sets up the chair in the ring, and drives Guido's bloody head into it.
Guido staggers, then sits down heavily on the chair.
Oops, bad move, as Guido gets not one, but TWO of those vicious Tajiri side-kicks right in the head.


We come back, as Guido gets another buzzsaw kick to the side of the head, and a really vicious boot to the face from Tajiri. A whip by Tajiri gets, (unbelievably!) reversed by Guido. Tajiri tries for his signature handspring elbow, but Guido just manages to block it. His follow-up Moritano gets short-stopped by Tajiri with another buzzsaw kick in the kidneys. Guido, still game, tries for a go-behind, but Tajiri reverses, then nails Guido with a German suplex/ bridge combination, but doesn't get a pin out of it. Tajiri tries that cruise-missile double dropkick, with Guido's face as ground zero. Guido, sensing Awful Danger, ducks away, and poor Jerry Lynn gets the full force of the dropkick right in the in-seam. Yeowtch!
Tajiri captures Guido, and tries for a submission using the Octopus. However, you need an active referee to call a submission. Danny Daniels is lying down with a cold cloth on his forehead, and Jerry Lynn's still rolling around the ring, clutching himself and making statements. Time for this match's screwjob ending, in the monstrous form of Big Sal E. Graziano, who powerslams Tajiri hard enough to set off seismographs in Urbana.
Guido quickly covers Tajiri, and the battered Jerry Lynn calls it a pin.

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Rob Van Dam is psyched up about getting his TV title back from rhino and the hated Network. Bill "Fonzie" Alfonso is excited, too, and is parroting everything RVD says.


The Sinister Minister is reading a book and tearing pages out of it, moodily saying, "She loves me...(RIP!)...She loves me not...(RIP!)..."

(Uh oh, looks like Prodigette hasn't called him back after their, umm, "date" behind the podium last week.)

Suddenly, Mikey Whipwreck bursts through a door (stage left), all out of breath and flustered.
He's just seen a "Dream Come True", she's right in the next room, and she's only a thousand bucks for two minutes.
The Padre, irritated, says nothing and NO-body could be THAT good!
Mikey insists that the Padre take a look.
Exasperated, and only to humor Mikey, the Padre opens the door...

...and there's Randy "Macho Man" Savage's erstwhile valet and currently inactive hardcore porn star Gorgeous George.
She's doing what passes for a seductive dance, and looks like she could use a bath.
The Padre is, for once, struck speechless. "Mikey!" gulps the Padre, after another look-see, "THAT... could tempt... the Devil himself!" Mikey does a hilarious imitation of Savage's signature line, "Ooooh yeeeaaahhh!" Both he and the Padre enjoy a good laugh together.


RVD is still working out, getting pumped for his big championship match with Rhino. Fonzie looks on, adoringly.

Francine is shown heading for the ring for her match with Jazz.


Back to the action. Francine is in the ring, screeching with that train-wreck voice of hers that no way is she gonna wrestle that bitch Jazz tonight. This brings Jazz out, who says that like it or not, ready or not, Francine was getting a long-overdue ass-kicking tonight...

...that is, until World Heavyweight champ Justin Credible wallops Jazz from behind.
This brings out Tommy Dreamer...

Match #2: Tommy Dreamer & Jazz d. Justin Credible & Francine, (impromptu "Mixed Tag" match, Dreamer with inverted "Outsider's Edge" powerbomb on Credible, 6:29)

Jazz recovers and nails Credible from behind with a (JS) "tilt-a-whirl hurancanrana". There's a Dreamer-assisted vertical suplex by Jazz. Dreamer takes over, and gets promptly booted in the in-seam by Justin Credible.
Jazz is there to make the save with an enziguiri kick to Credible's cue-ball noggin that sends him spinning out of the ring. Tommy Dreamer's waiting for him, decides to take this fight "to the people", and drags credible over the steel guardrail and into the crowd. He and Credible brawl all though the cheap seats, then head back to the ring. They stop long enough for Dreamer to do the Ten-Count Punch-Down schtick, with the crowd calling the shots.
Dreamer climbs back into the ring, and goes for a powerslam on Francine. Credible just barely breaks it up, then superkicks Dreamer and powerbombs him into a pin, but only gets a two count. Francine gets the tag, and starts in on Dreamer's leg by sitting down hard on it. Dreamer's got an answer for THAT move, and does a "gynecologic goose" job on Francine that has her zooming up into the air like a squawking, big-assed bird!
"The Claw! The Claw! My favorite move!" crows Gertner, as Dreamer tows Francine around the ring by that, ummm, bowling ball grip he's got on her.
The crowd's just going nuts at this point.
Credible wallops Dreamer with a forearm to break that, uhh, "hold" he had on Francine, then goes after a chair.
Dreamer sees what's coming, yanks the chair away from Credible, and then wallops him across the back with it. Dreamer goes after a table. But he never gets to use it, after Justin Credible reverses a whip, and Dreamer eats the end of the table. Credible tags in Francine, who promptly kicks Dreamer in the crotch.
This brings in Jazz who busts a move on Francine, then nails Credible across the face. Dreamer, recovering, teams with Jazz as they tie their respective opponents to the Trees of Woe, then clobber each of them with a tandem baseball slide drop kick.
Dreamer tries a DDT on Credible, but Credible reverses, then drop toe-holds Dreamer onto the chair.
Credible turns his attention to Jazz, and after softening her up, tries for his "That's Incredible" finisher. Jazz slithers out and escapes, then rounds on Credible and clouts him between the uprights. Dreamer
clobbers the doubled-over Justin Credible with a towering copy of the "Stone Cold Stunner" that he calls the "Tommy Hawk".
One running modified bulldog later, and Dreamer gets the pin and the win.
Post-match, Jazz grabs some barbed wire from the back, but gets waylaid coming back to the ring by Team Network.
Credible, enraged at his loss, busts Dreamer open with the kendo stick, then nails Dreamer onto the barbed wire with his "That's Incredible" finisher. Credible pulls Francine on top of Dreamer and does the three count for her.

Next week, it's ol' "Drunk 24/7" himself going after Justin Credible's title. That'll be worth a look, but I can smell the screwjob from here.

ecwwrestlingdotcom promo.

ECW Upcoming Events:

7/7 Poughkeepsie, NY (TV taping)
7/8 ECW Arena, South Philly (TV taping)
7/16 Los Angeles, CA (HeatWave 2K PPV)
7/21 Decatur, IL (WARNING! Tough crowd. Bring a flak jacket!)
7/22 Peoria, IL
7/28 Dallas, TX
7/29 Houston, TX

Cyrus leads the ECW World Television Champ Rhino to the ring, as we break for some more


Match #3: Rob Van Dam (w/ Bill Alfonso) d. Rhino (w/ Team Network & Cyrus), ECW World Television Title Defense, (Anton interference/ DQ, 7:41)

As RVD does his spinning jump, Rhino gores the hell out of him to open he match.
That doesn't faze RVD, who promptly whips Rhino cross ring, then nails a leaping top-rope side-kick, flattening the "Rookie Monster."
RVD with a go-behind and a waistlock, but Rhino powers out with a couple of stiff elbows followed by a gorilla press slam. RVD, again unfazed, recovers, and even seizes the momentum back with a sweet hurancanrana, followed by a flurry of kicks and punches in the corner. Rhino, enraged, whips RVD across the ring. RVD leaps to the top turnbuckle, tries a back flip, but gets speared in mid-air by Rhino, who covers and goes for the pin, but only gets a two-count.
Rhino with a BIG vertical suplex and a cover, but again, only gets two. Headlock by Rhino, but RVD powers out, leaps into the ropes, but Rhino counters with a spinebuster, a cover, and another two-count. RVD's still got some energy left, and he quickly recovers his momentum with a second-rope Swanton Bomb that's good enough for a cover, but not a pinfall.
Rhino's had enough, and manhandles RVD into another headlock. RVD kicks out, only to get suplexed, and covered for two. Cross-ring whip by Rhino, but he miss-times the charge-in, and gets walloped on by the resurgent RVD.
RVD works on Rhino for a bit, then goes for a jumping spin-kick. Rhino ducks the incoming left foot, only to catch the right one square in the mouth when RVD keeps the spin going!
Zowee, what a move!
RVD hits Rhino with a spinning heel kick, then drives Rhino into the corner and starts kicking the stuffing out of him.
Cross-ring whip by RVD, and Rhino gets an inverted Atomic Drop that drives him to the mat. Bill Alfonso tosses a chair in to RVD, who promptly nails Rhino square in the puss with it. Cover, RVD hooks the (massive!) far leg, 1,2, NO!
RVD sets up Rhino, then powers home his corkscrew legdrop. Rhino gets garnished with chair, then gets served up a somersault Senton Bomb. Cover, but Rhino kicks out at tow and a half!
Rhino accrues more RVD induced damage in the near corner, until he reverses a cross-ring whip, and nails RVD with a clothesline.
Rhino's in control now, but his attempt at a powerbomb onto the steel chair is foiled when RVD breaks free.
RVD grabs the chair, tosses it at Rhino's mug, VAN DAMINATOR!
Rhino's down! Rhino's down!
RVD to the top turnbuckle for the Five Star Frog Splash finisher, but Scotty Anton is there to shove RVD off the turnbuckle and down to the floor.
Here's Cyrus in the ring to wallop the referee, as Anton throws RVD back into the ring, where Rhino gores him.
The rest of Team Network is in the ring for the obligatory post-match beat-down, but RVD escapes, and it's kicks all around for Team Network, (including one for Jack Victory that looked suspiciously like it landed full-force against the side of his head. Needless to say, Victory went down in a heap.)
And here's Justin Credible sticking his big bazoo in where he shouldn't, and just wallops RVD with a massive kendo stick shot. Credible ties RVD to the Tree of Woe, then stands aside as Rhino comes charging in to gore RVD almost through to the ring-post.
Here's Cyrus with the usual "Nobody, but NO-BODY messes with the Network" spiel, which allows RVD to recover somewhat.
Cyrus then spat at RVD, to the outraged hollers of the fans at ringside.
Justin Credible wants RVD all to himself, and gets ready to send Van Dam into next week.
But RVD's got other plans, ducks the swung kendo stick, leaps to the top rope and then out of the ring in a huge plancha, flattening all of Team Network at ringside.
This leaves Justin Credible in the ring all by himself.

But not for long...

Is that Metallica I hear?

And it's about time, too, since the crowd's been hollering for the Sandman for the last five minutes or so. The Rave is sure living up to its name, as the crowd is howling along to "Enter Sandman" with a frightening intensity.
Sensing fresh prey, the Sandman charges the ring to confront his old nemesis.
Both he and Justin Credible stand toe-to-toe, walloping on each other with the Singapore cane and kendo stick, each taking numerous cane shots to the head and body. After a minute or so, the Sandman hooks Credible with the "Singapore Sweep," drives him hard into the mat, and it's night-night time for Justin Credible.
Satisfied, the Sandman grabs the Heavyweight Championship Title belt, pops a cold one, and celebrates his victory with the cheering fans, and it's possible repeat at the "HeatWave 2000" PPV in Los Angeles on July 16th.

Closing credits.

See you next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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