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/28 July 2000

ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer





Gentle readers, this will be a somewhat condensed version of my usual five volume treatise on the Arena of Extreme. My reason is a simple one; my lovely wife of 18 years is currently in poor health, and I, as her devoted spouse, am shouldering many of her duties while she is in recovery.
Ergo, for the next three weeks, the "ECW on TNN" report here at "Slash Wrestling" will be somewhat foreshortened. I thank you for your indulgence and patience.

And now...

Coming to you from the Peoria Civic Center, live on tape (with a 22 July 2000 vintage) it's the original "Arena of Extreme."
Your hosts are THE best broadcaster in professional wrestling, Joey Styles, and his "trained-Ewok-with-a-gland-condition", Joel Gertner.

The show opens with

Match #1 Rhino d. Chilly Willy (spear/piledriver/pin, we saw 1:28)

The match is in full swing with Chilly Willy just whomping the tar out of Rhino. Clothesline, a cover, and Chilly Willy nearly got a pinfall, but Rhino kicked out. Willy followed up with a powerslam, but Rhino recovered quickly. Willy even speared Rhino, but preferred posing for the crowd to making the cover. This allowed Rhino to spear Willy and then finish him off with a piledriver for the pin and the win.
Post-match, Rhino's in a bad mood because of the whupping Willy handed him. Looks like table time. Rhino's so intent on setting up the table, he failed to see the Sandman enter the ring, who proceeds to wallop Rhino about the head with the Singapore cane. White Russian Legsweep, SPEAR by Sandman, and Rhino eats his own table. Sandman bestrides the unconscious Rhino, and it's time for a cold one. Crowd goes wild, etc.

Joey Styles (JS) and Joel Gertner (JG) are in ECW Command Central, aka "Event Storage Area B." Gertner does Poetry Corner, about who's dominant when he has relations.

After a boring series of commercials, (including, God help us, "David Arquette: the Retrospective!") Billy Corgan of "Smashing Pumpkins" debuts a new song tonight. But not if Lou E. Dangerously can help it. Currently "gimmick-less," Lou is apparently working on a per-appearance basis for The Network. Great. I guess a tired, outdated gimmick is better than NO GIMMICK AT ALL, huh, Lou?
I mean, even CYRUS has abandoned even a pretense of "The Network" as a gimmick since the WWF/TNN deal went down.
Sigh. Lou E. reminds Mr. Corgan that Peoria was the arena where Steve Corino tore a strip off Fred Durst of "Limp Bizkit." Lou E. was there to "smash" Corgan because his music sucked. (One man's opinion, Lou E!) A shoving match ensues, culminating in Corgan "El Kabong-ing" Lou E. with the REAL guitar. This brings out the rest of Team Network, followed closely by music aficionados Tommy Dreamer and Jerry Lynn to punk out Corino, Scotty "Riggs" Anton, and Jack Victory.
As the heels retreat to the back, Dreamer hollers for "Riggs" and his buddies to c'mon back later in the show, and they can be part of an Extreme DeathMatch. I wonder, with Corgan present, if Dreamer didn't mean a "Celebrity DeathMatch?"


Match #2: Psicosis d. Little Guido (w/ Big Sal E. Graziano), (Guillotine Leg Drop/pin, 4:48 or so.)
The match was originally supposed to be between Psicosis and Yoshihiro Tajiri, but Tajiri got waylaid by the FBI, with Big Sal doing most of the mugging. Guido entered the ring, and almost immediately got tossed out onto the floor by Psicosis, who then followed up with a huge top-turnbuckle plancha to the floor that squashes both Guido and Big Sal. After dragging Guido back in the ring, Psicosis nailed him with a spinning heel kick to the neck, followed by a cover, but only a 2 count. Guido countered a few moments later with a "Sicilian Slice," only to have Psicosis slither away from the hold. Double-boot dropkick, and Psicosis is out of the ring, straight onto the fists and feet of Big Sal. Once finished, Big Sal tossed Psicosis back in the ring, where Guido just missed getting a pinfall. Attempt at the "Kiss of Death" by Guido is just avoided by Psicosis with a flurry of chops. Guido counters, and locks on the Sicilian Crab submission hold. Tajiri shows up in the nick o' time to boot Guido in the head, Psicosis escapes the hold, and then nails Guido with his Flying Guillotine Leg Drop finisher, getting the pin and the win.
Back in the locker room, Rhino cuts a promo that is mostly snarls and grunts. He's still p.o.-ed at the Sandman, with Tajiri and Jerry Lynn as un-indicted co-conspirators. We get a totally unnecessary glimpse into Rhino's formative years, and more snarls and growls. And they're considering a "FACE-TURN" for this guy? C'mon...

Highlights from the "ECW Hardcore TV" broadcast, showing Kid Kash impressive in his match with EZ Money. Kash did a move that I can't even describe to win the match. And you wonder why he' consistently on the "Top ten in ECW" list.'

Styles and Gertner are joined by the lovely Dawn Marie, who claims that Kid Kash is her favorite wrestler. Gertner grabs Joey's headset and gives it to Dawn Marie, upon which the conversation gets adolescent, suggestive, and just plain silly. Still, Gertner's a hoot as the "Quintessential Stud Muffin," who's obviously "not gittin' any!"
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, WCW needs to buy Dawn Marie's contract. Lance Storm's looking awful lonely, and this lovely's just wasted now in ECW.

Another "Hardcore TV" vignette, this time Carl Ouellette against ECW World Champ and Public Health Hazard, Justin Credible. Ouelette is shown giving Francine her lumps, table-style. Later action shows Credible nailing Ouelette with his "That's Incredible!" finisher for the win. I think Francine's fast becoming aware that, in all of Justin Credible's Title defenses, she's the one taking all the hard shots and wallops.

Back to "Event Storage Area B," where Dawn Marie now says that her favorite wrestler was Carl Ouelette. Gertner's acting like a randy sex-crazed Bassett Hound in Dawn Marie's presence. Which is probably an insult to randy, sex-crazed Bassett Hounds everywhere.


Rob Van Dam and Bill "Fonzie" Alfonso cut a promo. Fonzie waxes ecstatic as regards the destructive power of the Van Terminator. RVD gurgles a bit, and then does his "Whole F'n Show!" routine. Garnish with a long blast from Fonzie's whistle, and serve hot.

Gertner's still slobbering over Dawn Marie, who's now busy poking Gertner's libido with a stick just to see him squirm. Gertner, having reached "critical mass," begs the use of Joey Styles' hankie. Styles, shocked and appalled, bellows "NO!"

Here's ANOTHER vignette from "Hardcore TV", where the ex-Blue Meanie who, sans the excess tonnage, is now known as "Blue Boy ", gets lauded by, God help us, Lou E. Dangerously. Another gimmick for this guy?

Also present is former exotic film star, Howard Stern grope-ee, and Guinness World Record Holder Emeritus(Category: Sexual Intercourse, subcategory: Multiple partner) Jasmin St. Clair. Ms. St. Clair's costume is apparently a scientific experiment dealing with fabric containment capacity and stress limits. Lou E. is just gushing over both of them. This brings out the Female Fighting Phenom, Jazz to bust some swollen egos, and a couple of heads into the bargain. There's a
"Jazz Stinger" for ol' Blue Boy, and a powerbomb for Ms. St. Clair.
Well, Ms. St. Clair's, ummmm, "experiment" exceeds its allowable stress limits, with the predictably explosive results, but we viewers are saved from this horror by the Magic Mosaic(tm) of Network censorship. Extreme Replay of the Lou E./Billy Corgan "schtick" recaps the evening's previous events, and sets up the next match.

Match #3: Tommy Dreamer & Jerry Lynn d. Team Network, in a Tag-team Extreme Death Match, (Falls count anywhere,) (Lynn w/ cradle piledriver on Anton, Dreamer w/ Dreamer Driver on Corino, Corgan counts the pinfall, 11:12)

Replay of Corgan's earlier confrontation with Lou E. Dangerously.
Corino and Anton enter the ring. Anton's got a good number of the crowd doing that "Clap" thing along with him. HeatWave 2000 replay of Lynn writing "DIE" on his own chest with Corino's blood, suitably censored for your protection. Dreamer and Corino brawl into the ring, while Styles and Gertner relate last week's events, wherein Corino put a bounty on Jerry Lynn's head, and the Baldies tried to collect it.
Clap Trap by Corino, but Lynn makes the save. Anton corrals Lynn, and they start brawling in the ring. "Sharpshooter" attempt on Corino gets broken up by Anton. Dropkick from Lynn sends Anton to the floor, a Lynn top-corner plancha keeps him there, and squashes Jack Victory for good measure.
Dreamer decides to "Take it to the People," and drags Corino out of the ring. With Corino in tow, Dreamer heads into the crowd, pausing long enough for a sip o' suds. Dreamer then shares the cup, but not the beer, with Corino's forehead, which promptly starts bleeding.
Do-si-do and Lynn takes over clobbering Corino, while Dreamer heads backstage...
...and comes back with a ladder. He affixes the ladder across the middle turnbuckle, then spine-busts Anton into it. Dreamer then hangs the ladder over the top ring-post, but his cross-corner whip on Anton gets reversed, and Dreamer eats the top step of the ladder square in the mush. Here comes Lynn and Corino back in the ring. Corino's such a bloody mess, Dracula couldn't have done any worse. It's Jerry Lynn, with today's episode of "Fun Things To Do With Stuff From Your Workshop", as he sets the ladder up, whips Corino into it, then smashes Corino with it. Lynn now branches out in his ladder usage, this time involving office furniture. Two chairs and a ladder make a nice bridge, but not if your opponent reverses you onto it. Corino picks up the ladder, but instead of walloping Lynn with it, he tosses it over the ropes to the outside. Crowd: "Boooooo!" Anton and Corino double-team Dreamer with a front pancake, then double-team Lynn with a nasty-looking powerbomb. An attempt at a double "Clap" by Lynn and Dreamer, (with Corino and Anton as puppet-masters) gets squelched as Dreamer and Lynn both power surge, regaining the upper hand. Dreamer sets the ladder across the middle turnbuckle, and goes after Corino.
Lynn's cross-body block clobbers referee Danny Daniels instead of Scotty Anton. Dreamer sets Corino on the opposite top turnbuckle, but gets his in-seam adjusted when Anton trips him up in mid-climb, and Dreamer lands athwart the ladder rungs. Yeowtch!
Dreamer disentangles himself from the ladder, nearly dislocating his left knee in the process. Dreamer scoops Corino into a cradle piledriver, while Lynn's version of the "Dreamer Driver" spells "lights out" for Scotty Anton. Referee mike Kehner zooms into the ring to make the count, but he gets yanked out of the ring, and then waffled by a cowbell-wielding Jack Victory. Victory climbs in the ring with the bullrope in hand, but fails to see Billy Corgan sneak in, grab the tail end of the bullrope, and snap it up high between Victory's legs. Lynn with the cradle piledriver on Anton, and Dreamer nails Corino with a Dreamer Driver. Billy Corgan's in the ring, and he does the count for the win. Must be a substitute referee, huh?


Post-match, Corgan sets up the ladder in the center of the ring, then climbs to the top. Corgan, Dreamer, and Lynn celebrate their victory over the hated Network, to the plaudits of the fans.

Closing credits.

See you next week.
And again, my thanks for your patience and understanding.

Y'all ROCK!

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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