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/17 September 1999

ECW Hardcore TV


Guest columnist: J. Cuartero


Late Breaking News: Raven RETURNS to ECW! Raven & Dreamer win the tag team titles! THIS is late breaking news?

Credits roll: My favorite shot has GOT to be Yoshihiro Tajiri dropkicking Little Guido's HEAD as he hangs in the Tree of Woe! Hee hee!

Joey Styles is out to warm up the crowd: "I'm Joey Styles and the building where the revolution began, and we never forget -- the infamous ECW Arena in South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!" Out comes the ECW Heavyweight Champion -- TAZ. Highlights of the World's Smallest Human Suplex Machine destroying Shane Douglas, Spider Man's Arch Nemesis Rhino, Sabu, Chris Candido, Tommy Dreamer, Tajiri, and Buh Buh Ray Dudley.

You know, my first time recapping this show for [slash] wrestling, and they just HAPPEN to start off with a six minute interview. Taz grabs the mic: "As Joey Styles said, FMW in Tokyo held a press conference, and the guy who's gonna come after me in Chicago is MASATO TANAKA. And their ain't no doubt in my mind that Masato Tanaka is one bad motherf*cker! You people have seen him take the hardest chairshots in that hard head of his. And I'll tell you what, Tanaka, you're gonna need that hard head, 'cause I'm gonna dump you ON your f*ckin' head! And when I'm done dumpin' you on your head, I'm gonna hook the most feared hold in the business and you WILL tap out. You see, I'm not a champion that's fifty years old, and comes out here wearin' gold and red, or yellow and black, all shriveled up, wrestling for his f*ckin' ego! (HUGE "Hogan Sucks" chant) You see, brother, this ain't 1989 anymore, this is the year 2000, and I'M the world champion! And I'd rather die than have to come out here with a chick, 6'2", big f*ckin' ass hangin' out... Say you're a world champion, HHH? If you want some, brother, then come to the bingo hall, and TRY ME. You see, I remember my roots. I've got two roots. One root is the Redhook(?) section of Brooklyn NY! (boos from the crowd) And the other root is right here in South Philly! (huge pop)"

"I'm just gettin' warmed up, cause I'm gettin hot! Okay, I have been here for six goddamn years! And I had the offers, and I turned 'em down. I watched everybody come through the door, and leave. Come through the door, and leave! And here I am, standin' here where it all began, right here in Philly! We got guys in the back, 'I don't wanna wrestle Taz, Paul E.,' 'Oh, he's too stiff, Paul E.' 'Oh, Paul E., Taz dropped me on my head' 'Taz broke my shoulder'... But the difference is, Masato Tanaka AIN'T gonna go bitchin' to Paul E., and that's what I want! People say -- (heckler in the crowd) Shut the f*ck up! Show me some respect or I'll beat the f*ckin piss outta you! You want some, you piece of sh*t, come get some! I don't see you movin', brother, are your boys holdin' you back? (long bleep) You know what you are? You're just a johnny come lately, you ain't like these guys in the front row (looong bleep)!" Taz throws his baseball hat into the crowd. "I'll tell you what, it's just a matter of time 'til I get my hands on Tanaka. Tanaka WILL tap out. I WILL drop him on his head, I'm here to tell you who I am. I live by the motto "Kill or be killed"! My name is Taz, and I am the World Heavyweight Champion! Beat me if you can! Survive... if I let you!!!"

Man, that Taz is one miserable guy. I'd hate to see him go the WWF, because there's no way he'd make an impact with that size. Paul Wight finds guys like him in his stool! Sorry. Time of interview: 6:13

Ad break for the Anarchy Rulz PPV, The ECW Hardcore Hotline, Free Party USA Hotline ("where you can find hot girls, and fun guys!"), & the ECW House Party Tape '99.

Highlights from Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven 1995, where Belulah turns on Tommy Dreamer. "The most storied feud in ECW history".

Uganda the Kamalan Giant vs. Tom Marquez

Hey, guess what? It's all Uganda! Lockup, face rake, chops, choke against the ropes, all by Uganda. He whips Marquez in to the ropes and hits with a shoulderblock! Head butt into the corner, Irish whip into the opposite corner and Uganda misses the splash! Springboard dropkick from Marquez! A few stomps from Marquez and he whips Uganda into the ropes. Big clothesline from Uganda! 2-count and Uganda pulls up. He tosses Marquez into the corner and splashes him. Leg drop on the fallen Marquz! Uganda talks skyward for a few seconds before he FLATTENS Marquez with a senton bomb! Yr Winner: Uganda by Pinfall. Time of match: 2:39

Afterparty: Uganda climbs the ropes and splashes Marquez from the top turnbuckle! What do they plan on doing with this guy? I say Steve Corino should take him into his stable.

Ads for Extreme Warfare II (A must buy if only for the scaffold match!), and Russell Simmons' One World Music Beat (Puffy Combs:"I like sexy things. S-S-S-Sexy things.").

More highlights from the Raven Dreamer feud, and Tommy's first(?) piledriver on Beulah.

Big Balls Mahoney vs. Axl Rotten

Balls is waiting in the ring, with the new rendition of "Big Balls" (with Balls on vocals) playing. Axl comes out in a Kid Rock shirt, 'cuz he sucks, and ECW is the home of drop-d tunings. The crowd loves him, though. Balls Mahoney is from Nutley, NJ and BELIEVE me when I tell you that it's a crazy town. Match begins with a great segment with the crowd chanting along with each punch landed by either "Balls!" or "Axl!". Eventually, Balls gets the upper hand and delivers a bodyslam. Balls goes up the turnbuckles and and misses the New Jersey Jam. A flurry of punches and bionic elbow from Axl. He throws Balls to the outside and introduces him to the steel guardrail. Axl whips out of pair of scissors, and I don't think he's trimming Balls' split ends! Scissors to the head of Balls repeatedly! Styles: "I don't wanna call this!" Balls retaliates with a plastic cup full of beer shot, which non-sensically sends Axl reeling. Both protagonists back in the ring and it's time for...DUELING CHAIRS! But wait, who's that coming to the ring? NEW JACK comes in with his trash can of disaster and it looks like we've got a three way dance! Axl points New Jack towards Balls in a cowardly, comedic fashion. Trash can lid and a STEEL SPIKE to Balls' head!!! Trash can shot for New Jack from Axl, but New Jack hits Axl with a couple of spike shots too! On the last one you can actually see the spike going into Axl's head. Gross. Man, New Jack is simply puncturing these guys! We go to an ad break while Styles says, "I'm gonna hide under my bed!"

Ad #2 for Russell Simmon's One World Music Beat!

We come back & it's a Nutcracker Suite on New Jack! 1,2,3! He's out! Chairshot on Balls from Axl, no-sell, repeat twice more. Quote of the night from Styles: "and he LOVES Balls!" Balls on one knee for the final shot, but soon falls over. Pin attempt 1, 2, shoulder up. Axl is incredulous and begs balls to stay down. Axl finally puts a trash can over his head and whacks it with the chair. 1, 2 ,3. Yr winner: Axl Rotten Time of match: 8:11

Afterparty: Axl calls for Balls' music and the two embrace in the ring, much to the delight of the crowd and to my chagrin.

Ad #3 for Russell Simmon's One World Music Beat. Check out the hottest new joints!

When we return, we're treated to an absolutely cheesy filler piece on the Raven/ Dreamer feud, mixed in with the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit", some highlights of Dancin' Stevie Richards taking out Luna Vachon with a chairshot and subsequent ddt on Luna from Raven. Tommy comes in for the save, but gets destroyed and his fingers get broken. Highlights of the Beulah pregnancy angle, and Tommy FINALLY beating Raven. As cheesy as this was, it reminded me of how far ahead of its time ECW was, despite how it used to be even MORE white trash than it is now, and how Raven used to be a monster heel.

Ads for the Anarchy Rulz PPV, ECW Hardcore Hotline, NPC Bodybuilding competition, and the Big Ass Extreme Bash Tape.

One more look at Raven & Dreamer winning the titles!

Hey, look who's in the ring, it's Steve Corino and Yoshihiro Tajiri! Corino: "…A pathetic excuse for a human being, and maybe the most overrated wrestler of all time. And I'm talking about YOU, Yoshihiro Tajiri!!!" Tajiri raises his arms and smiles obliviously because he doesn't grok the language, you know. "Two months ago, in the better city of Queens, I promised the people and I promised the world that you would defeat Taz and bring me the world heavyweight title, and you failed!" Tajiri still oblivious, he even claps his hands at this point. "Look at me when I'm talking to you. You know what? I HATE Chinese food, I hate the fact that you put too much MSG in my food and fifteen minutes later, I'm still hungry! I hate the fact that you put too much starch in my shirt! And I hate the fact that you've taken over all the convenience stores and I can't get a fresh sandwich!" Hey, come on, Corino, that's certainly not cool. But it IS "extreme"! Tajiri finally figures that something is up and makes that funny face where he looks around the arena. "Don't you understand? I HATE YOU!" Slap from Corino! Before Tajiri destroys Corino, Super Crazy runs in and it's a face off between Camp Corino and Crazy and Tajiri. But it turns out to be another set-up as Tajiri kicks Crazy in the back of the head. "Everyone knows that the greatest wrestlers come from Japan, and the worst wrestlers come from Mexico." Japanese flag draped over Crazy. Camp Corino leaves the ring, but Crazy comes to and climbs on top and hits plancha on Corino's team! The match WILL go on! Springboard dropkick from Super Crazy! Super stiff kicks to the front and back of Tajiri! Whip, Tajiri hits a springboard sidekick to the head of Crazy. Stiff kicks from Tajiri, who takes time out of his busy schedule of ass-kicking and spits into the crowd. Slaps exchanged between the two, Crazy misses, dropkick to his knee! Crazy rolls out of the ring and gets tagged with a baseball slide that sends him over the barrier. Tajiri pulls back the barrier, and hits an ASAI MOONSAULT! Another kick from Tajiri. Back into the ring, Tajiri climbs the ropes and misses the missle dropkick! Crazy puts Tajiri into the corner and hits ten punches to the head. Whips Tajiri to the ropes, handspring elbow by Tajiri! Waistlock, reversal, waistlock, reversal, Tajiri spins Crazy around and hits with a German Suplex! 1, 2, no! Dropkick to the head of the prone Crazy! He lifts Crazy for a brainbuster… it's countered into a powerbomb! 1, 2, 3!!! Yr winner: Super Crazy. Time of match: 4:06

The show closes with SIX more ads for Russell Simmon's One World Music Beat, I kid you not. See you later!

J. Cuartero

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission