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/19 November 1999


by Bill Barnwell


Like you really thought I'd miss two weeks in a row. I am Bill Barnwell, this is your ECW on TNN report. 
Why wasn't I here last week? Well, the show was good, so I can't blame it on that. Basically, I was busy. However, I should be able to do basically every show from here on in. Even next week's post-Thanksgiving show, as the Bill Barnwell ECW Tour has been sadly cancelled.
A few things I'd like to say before we get going:

  • I forgot to put in a new tape to record this week's show; so, I accidentally recorded over the first hour of the Chicago RAW where Jericho debuts; fortunately, his debut was left untouched.
  • I skipped out on actually doing this report last night because I went to go see The World is Not Enough. Good Bond Movie, very fun normal movie. Denise Richards is a slut, though, doing the same exact shot she did in Wild Things (oh, come on, you know which one). Sophie Marceau is excellent, Brosnan is Brosnan, and it's fucking Bond, so I shouldn't have to tell you to go. Oh, and Shirley Manson & Garbage rule it as usual with the theme song and video.
  • KoRn's new album sucks. I downloaded the mp3 of it last week. Ugh. Falling Away From Me and the track after that, Trash, are good, but everything else is average at best. Get S&M or the new Foo Fighters instead.

That's enough. Onto the show.

As we enter our TNN realm, Joey and Joel are in the ring. They welcome us to ECW on TNN. He is Joey Styles, he is the host of the show, the Quintessential Studmuffin, Joel "I'm a ratings generator, and a lady penetrator" Gertner. I guess that's the most obscene thing he can say on TNN without getting censored. Gertner then does his taunt. Styles starts to hype, but is interrupted by the music and then the persona of Rhino. Rhino, being a heel, gets a good pop. Go figure. Joey says that the main event will be Aldo Credible and Rhino vs. Tommy Dreamer and Who Rocks the Party that Rocks Scotty the Body (right). Styles asks Rhino if he is the new Impact Player, but Rhino says that "Justin Credible is just like Lance Storm;" and censors block something that would have certainly warped my fragile little mind. Rhino, apparently isn't afraid of no men. (I wonder if he's ain't afraid of no ghosts, too). He calls Rochester a shithole. Wow, et tú, Rhino? <sarcasm> I never would have expected it. </sarcasm> Rhino will kick both Dreamer and Raven's asses in the main event tonight. He goes to the locker room, where he innocently passes a visible Paul E. and Balls discussing tonight's match. That later. He runs into Tammy Lynn Soma, who has an idea for Rhino. We can't hear it because we're marks. 

We now go into the Opening Credits for this fine television show, which have no changes. If you don't count Paul E's striptease behind the ECW on TNN logo.

As we come back from the credits, we're going to see Super Loco vs. "The Whole F'n Midcard" Jerry Lynn. You know, this booking actually makes sense, if you had seen last week's report. Oh, I forgot, there wasn't one. Oops. No one in Rochester knows it's Lynn until they see him; his music is generic and NOT over. Gertner: "In Mexico, do you know what they say about Super Crazy?" Styles: "No" Gertner (translated by me somewhat): "I have no water". That's what I made of it, at least. That is Gertner's obligatory Heenanism of the week.

Before we can get to, you know, wrestling, Angel & Devito are shown in a New York subway, calling out New Jack.

We get back, JL plays to the crowd. Super Crazy runs at Jerry Lynn, but gets backdropped. He gets a dropkick and goes to the floor, and Lynn hits a pescado. 
Back into the ring, and it's some CRAZY stomps as Lynn tries to get back in. Will Crazy go back to his rudo roots tonight? We can only hope. A cross-corner whip is reversed by Lynn, Crazy goes for the Double Springboard Moonsault that never hits, and he apparently has finally realized this, so he lands on his feet. Lynn hits a spinning monkey flip, Crazy runs at him again but gets a tilt-a-whirl headscissors for his troubles. Lynn goes off the ropes, and tries to go for another T-A-W Headscissors, but gets caught in a delayed tilt-a-whirl backbreaker which gets a two count. 
Crazy picks up Lynn for a powerbomb, and executes it, but Lynn hits his head on the ropes going down twice! Ouch! I guess that's semi-Kobashi. That gets two. CRAZY stomps. Gertner: "Super Crazy's neighbors were so poor that they had to watch old lucha libre on Etch-a-Sketch!" Crazy goes for a piledriver twice, but it gets blocked each time, so then he goes for the powerbomb. Not this time, though, as Lynn counters with an ugly rana. 
Crazy goes for a running punch, which is ducked, and a much-better-looking German suplex from Lynn gets a bridged two. Styles: "You know what they call Etch-a-Sketch in Mexico?" Gertner is unaware, but Styles says that they call it "Etch-a-Sketch". Literal translation, apparently. Lynn chops Crazy in the corner to chants of "Jerry". Lynn whips Crazy into the buckle, but gets backdropped over the top rope to the apron. Lynn punches Crazy, and goes to the top. Crazy catches him, but Lynn throws him off. Lynn goes onto the 2nd turnbuckle, and hits a sweet Swinging DDT which actually looked good, because Crazy wasn't forced to stand around for Lynn to hit him; he actually looked dazed, which makes the move look all that better. Lynn goes to the top again, but Crazy catches him, and shoves him off of the top rope through a table to the floor. Ouch. 
Lynn gets in the ring, and Crazy covers him for two. Crazy sets Lynn up for the triple moonsault. Yea, like this'll work. The first hits, as usual. The second hits, which is rare. The third one couldn't possibly hit, though. HOLY SHIT, it does! Wow! But it gets two. Crazy piledriver kills Lynn. It gets 2 and 3/4. Crazy is officially playing rudo, challenging Lynn to get up. He pulls up Lynn, and hits a brainbuster for 1..2..nope!
Steve F'n Corino is in the ring, and stops the count. My God and Yours, Tajiri is behind the ref's back. Jim Molineaux (said ref) punches Corino, but Tajiri manages to be my Japanese rudo hero by blowing the green mist of remorse into the pillow of Jim Molineaux's head. Tajiri kills Crazy dead with a side back front thrust kick to the face, a REAL MAN'S brainbuster, and leaves them both for dead. Wouldn't it have made more sense for Tajiri to do this BEFORE the PPV, though? Oh well. No one can cover, until John Finnegan runs in, gives Molineaux, and finds that Lynn's arm is now on Crazy. 1...2...3.

We hit some commercials on for you.

We see the #6 train (to Pelham Bay Park, which, IIRC, is somewhere in Brooklyn) as Devito and Skull wonder where New Jack is. They go on the train, and say they're on the Coney Island L train. Read above and know that that's bullshit. They're most likely somewhere near the Queens/Long Island border, which are the most deserted trains they could find. As well as the safest. Angel challenges New Jack (or papa, depending on what you think of his sexual prowess) to a brawl tonight on TNN. 

Testicles Mahoney (w/ fortitude and chair) and Axl Roseten are coming to the ring. They will be wrestling Vito "The Misawa-Killing Skull (brought to you by Dean Rasmussen" Lagrasso and Newsy, with the loser of fall being forced to leave ECW. There isn't much doubt in who's going to lose this match, sadly.

But, to make me happy, backstage is a bandaged Steve Corino; apparently, Jim Molineaux's punch has given him a brain tumor, and he's dying. Wow, brain tumor, fractured appendix, Corino is most certainly hardcore. He tells Jack Victory to get help, and Corino wants his mommy. Victory gets the form of Father James Vanderbeek? I guess he is coming to ECW. He does last rites, I guess, as a father and rabbi, and then tells Corino to "go get them, my son". Corino is magically healed. THANK GOD FOR JAMES VANDERBURG! Vanderburg says that "This job sucks...but it beats managing Mortis and Wrath." Oh well, you just might be doing that in a couple of weeks, genius. 

Meanwhile, back to action. Skull is attacking Axl on the outside with a chair. I'm stunned, a chair in a Rotten match? Wow, that describes this match in more ways than one. News is kicking Balls in the ring. Axl reverses a whip on the outside, and hits Skull with a chair. Balls hits his punch combo on News, but News won't go down. So Balls hits News in the Mahoneys, and clotheslines him. News gets up and hits a clothesline. News goes TO THE TOP, but the I-wish-I-was-the-Hardy-who-wishes-he-was-Dick-Togo senton misses. Axl and Balls hit a pair of chairshots on News, and he's done for the match. Skull in the ring, and he has a chair. Running chairshot from Skull misses. He gets a Ballskick instead. Axl chairs Skull, and Balls hits his Michinoku Driver onto two chairs to push Skull into WCW. 

Roll a commercial for this pimp daddy.

Corino is looking for Rhino in the back when we get back. He finds Rhino, conversing with Impotent Candido and Tammy. Corino and Victory wonder aloud about Rhino breaking "the plan". Candido says that he's the best sports entertainer in the locker room. They all agree that the camera should leave, and Rhino forces them too. Well, since we can only have two minute segments, let's go to some


Gertner and Styles hype an upcoming show or two!


Gertner and Styles hype .


Now it's main event time. RHINO w/ Steve Corino to the ring.

However, before we can get to more actual wrestling, the Baldies are still on the "L" train. They are now in the Bronx. Yea, so is CRZ. They have apparently "stole" a sleeping man's wallet. Angel still thinks New Jack is soft, and because he didn't show up on last week's show, Angel challenges New Jack to a subway street fight for next week. Ugh.

CANDIDO w/ Tammy to the ring.

DREAMER w/ Francine to the ring.

Styles says that the Impact Players have "walked out" of ECW. 

RAVEN w/ self-pity to the ring.

The Danaconda w/ An Amish (w/ a 'tude - You thought that was unheard of) Roadkill are complaining about how you need a set of boobs to get a title shot. Some Latin ho with a open jacket and bra shows Doring the goods, and says, "If it's boobs you want (and shows the viewers an ample cleavage shot), it's boobs you'll get." Russo will have her in about a month. She then flexes said mammaries, which is a fun party trick. Roadkill is as tempted as I am.

Corino is in the ring complaining about he deserves restitution after being punched by Molineaux; he says the restitution will be the tag titles. Dreamer punches Corino out of the ring, and the match is set to begin.

Candido and Dreamer to start. They tie up, and Dreamer gets a side headlock. Candido whips Dreamer, shoulderblock by Dreamer. Dreamer off of the ropes, Candido stays down, and goes for an armdrag on the running Dreamer which is blocked. Candido misses a clothesline, and then gets a kick caught, and misses an enzuigiri. Dreamer goes for a kick as well, but gets caught, and he BADLY MISSES an enzuigiri; he kicked BACKWARDS. Ugh. They get into fighter poses to signal the end of a wrestling segment and to lead into


When we come back, CANDIDO is putting the boots to Dreamer. Candido whips Dreamer, but a clothesline is ducked. Candido leapfrogs TD next time around, and plays for the crowd, but a Russian legsweep from Dreamer stops that. He tags in Raven, and they hit a double gourdbuster on Candido. Raven throws Candido outside, and it'd be hard not to expect this. He whips Candido to the guardrail, but Rhino knocks down Raven. Dreamer knocks down Rhino, and bar the door, it's a shitty brawl. Raven uses a trashcan cover on Rhino, while Dreamer and Candido brawl generically into the crowd. Raven places a table outside the ring, and then, ala Sabu, hits a running pescado through it. Now all four men generically brawl on the outside. There are wannabe HAT GUY's on the outside, with outfits and all. Ugh. That's 3 "Ugh's" already. Dreamer tries to rip off Foley even more and do a running chairshot from the apron to the floor, but Candido punches him in the nuts and throws Dreamer to the floor.  

Raven rallies the fans behind Dreamer (?), but Candido brings Dreamer in the ring and tags Rhino. Double whip, Candido ducks under a running Dreamer, and a spinebuster from Rhino. RHINO stomps. Punches and kicks put Dreamer in the corner. A cross-corner whip ends in Dreamer stopping Rhino with a boot. Dreamer runs at Rhino, but gets a nice spear. 2 count, cause Raven made the save. Candido is in now, delayed vertical suplex gets a two. Candido with a cross-corner whip. Back suplex by Candido onto the top turnbuckle, and he's going upstairs for the Blond Bombshell Superbomb, but Dreamer backdrops him to the mat. Dreamer sets up with his back to Candido on the top, so I assume he was going for the Tumbleweed; however, Rhino blocks and hits a Running Powerbomb. 

However, Dreamer still manages to get the hot tag to Raven, and you can figure out what happens next. Kicks and punches. Rhino gets up and goes to spear Raven, but Raven gets out of the way and Rhino hits Candido. What funny hijinks. Francine rolls a chair to Raven, and he hits Rhino with it in the head. Drop toehold onto chair by Raven, but Candido breaks up the count. Candido whips Dreamer, block, armwringer into DVD blocked by a Sytch lowblow; Francine runs in, catfight. Sunny goes for a NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX (ha!), but Francine blocks with a DDT. Candido goes for a clothesline, Dreamer ducks, DDT, pinfall. Not terribly overbooked, so not bad.

The extreme replay recaps what I just said. Assholes. Victory, Corino, and Rhino all are up, and attack Dreamer and Raven. However, we hear Enter Sandman...and the Hak-Man is up on the balcony with a cig and a beer. He uses both, and goes to the ring. Corino, Rhino, and Victory get caned. Sandman poses. Raven attacks from behind, Dreamer tries to make peace. Sandman goes to cane Raven, but Dreamer accidentally gets in the way. Raven now is free to attack from behind, until the Impact Players make their not-so-triumphant return from not being on my TV for 58 minutes of one hour of ECW on TNN. Attack, catchphrases, to all a good night.

Not bad, but same old, same old. 

Bill Barnwell
Blitz Sports

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Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission