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/26 November 1999


by Bill Barnwell


Wow, lots of stuff to say before I get to this week's report.

  • First, congratulations to CRZ enemy and fellow ECW recapper Sean Shannon, who managed to get bitched at by none other than Tammy Lynn Soma for calling her fiancee's match boring.
    She also said something to the effect of "it was the best match that had been on TNN so far". Let me quickly say that she must be on those aforementioned somas; Sean was on the money, the match sucked (except for the Rhino spear of Candido), and it was downright ugly indy-quality when compared to the **** Van Dam/Lynn match from the ECW Arena.
  • Second, I get letters!?

JobSquad: I read your ECW TNN Report on CRZ.Net and I totally agree with you about the
Korn CD. Everyone in school called me a jackass cause I said the new album
sucked. My friend shoplifts a lot so I traded him the Korn CD for Bif Naked.

BTW, good report

Yeah, the Korn CD still sucks. And Bif Naked isn't too bad, either. She's not anything incredible, but easily doable. Jackass.

And, letter #2 is from the incomparable DEAN RASMUSSEN~!

YOU ROCK!  Your reports are amazingly comprehensive.  You don't have an
actual job yet, do you?:)

Real job? You mean, recapping REAL wrestling shows? Maybe I'll have to get reassigned to a different department on the site. Oh, and, I just ripped off CRZ. :)

  • And, finally, speaking of CRZ, will he ever stay home for a weekend? Will he ever post my report, you know, on Saturday? Sadly, he's became the wrestling writer lifestyle. Thanksgiving? My ass; you don't love your parents THAT MUCH to go there every weekend. :) (Hey Noodlehead, you sent me this report on MONDAY. Plus, I *do* love my parents - and I also love doing my laundry without spending quarters. - CRZ)

(Hint: The beginning's long because the show sucks)

Joel "A tisket, a tasket, let my put my biscuit in your basket" Gertner and Brutus Styles welcome us to ECW on TNN. Immediately, the music of "The Whole F'n Midcard" Jerry Lynn hits, and apparently it's interview time. Styles asks Lynn a question Joel apparently posed to him: "Are you in cahoots with Tajiri?" Lynn seems pissed. REAL pissed. Lynn: "Fuck you Joey, this interview is now over." Objection your honor; the witness is being evasive.

The OPENING CREDITS open us to yet another ECW on TNN. 

Styles and Gertner are back in a semi-Eagle's Nest in Chicago. They're at somewhere besides the Odeum, I don't know or care where. Do you? Styles tells us the main event is a rematch of the six-man from N2R99. It sucked then, hopefully it'll be better now.

Rhe Rookie Ronster Rhino, Chris Candido, and Ms. Match Rater, Tammy Lynn Soma are out to cut a promo. Rhino says Candido promised him a warmup match, and if Rhino doesn't get one, Rhino will warm up all over Candido's punk ass. Huh? Candido hides behind Tammy. Candido's the best sports entertainer in the locker room. Sytch rubs Rhino and says to wait 10 minutes; she then whispers in Rhino's ear about what they could do in the electrical closet backstage; I bet you they must have found, well, you make your joke, I'll make mine. 

C.W. Anderson is in the ring, awaiting the arrival of his opponent. Anderson is one of my favorite wrestlers; stiff, and he works very efficiently. And he actually did something good at last night's Arena show, which I will not spoil. But, first, we must go to Brand-New Jack in New York.

New Jack is waiting for Da Baldies; he curses about 17 times in a 45 second promo. He enters a train; apparently, he's going to make Angel his ho because he's into that sort of stuff.

Apparently, C.W.'s opponent will be Rob Van Dam, who is making his way to the ring. But, when he's not looking, he's blindsided by some


and some


Van Dam incredibly has managed to get out of the way of those distractions, and he has found the ring. We start off with Anderson kicking Van Dam. A side headlock, and some punches in the corner. A cross-corner whip is blocked by Van Dam, who goes onto the top turnbuckle and hits a funky split-legged super sunset flip for two. Van Dam hits an armdrag, but then misses a spin kick; BUT WAIT! HE HITS A SPIN KICK! Van Dam puts THE BOOTS to Anderson. A side headlock by Van Dam, but Anderson turns it into a standing armbar; Van Dam counters by climbing up the turnbuckles and hitting an armdrag, spin kick, and a cartwheel moonsault press; that's not as quite as goofy as the tumbling senton.

Anderson and Van Dam now are tied up on the ropes, but a BIG-ASS right hand from Anderson will break that up. A whip by Anderson is reversed by Van Dam, who goes to leap over Anderson, but gets caught with a great superkick for 2. A swinging neckbreaker gets 2. A slam, and CW's going upstairs. Bad decision. Van Dam hits him with an enzuigiri. Van Dam goes to the top, and hits a semi-faceslam onto the outside part of the apron on Anderson. Both to the floor now, and Anderson is suplexed onto the guardrail. A corkscrew guillotine leg lariat on the guardrail gives Rob a chance to taunt. 

Anderson is back in now, and gets caught with a Van Dam slingshot legdrop for 2. Van Dam puts THE BOOTS to Anderson. Van Dam whip, which is ducked under, a spin kick is missed, and then THE WORLD'S MOST DAPPER SPINEBUSTER by Anderson gets 2. Damn, I love that. Even better than Arn's. Anderson whips Van Dam successfully, an Van Dam clothesline is ducked, as is two enzuigiri attempts. A Van Dam legsweep hits, as does a seated spin kick to the face. Anderson gets up, catches a chair, Van Daminator, ***** Frog Splash, you get the picture.

Back to the Big Apple, as New Jack is in a subway car, searching through the train for both Baldies. He asks a homeless guy who's sleeping where Angel is. Wow. Sports Entertainment is fun.

Back in Chicago, now, Sabu has confronted Van Dam, and apparently we've got that very match.

They trade punches. A cross-corner whip by Van Dam is reversed, and Sabu hits a dropkick to Van Dam's ankle. It won't mean anything, don't worry. Arabian press gets 2. SABU puts THE BOOTS to Van Dam, as well as punches. Sabu goes for his Asai leg lariat, but Van Dam hits one in mid-air. Nice spot. Van Dam tumbling senton isn't quite as nice. A corkscrew legdrop lands inbetween on the spectrum. Van Dam puts THE BOOTS to Sabu, as a table chant starts. Ugh. A slam, and Van Dam's going upstairs, daddy! He gets crotched. 
Sabu with punches, and a springboard rana for 2.  Van Dam gets a chair, but Sabu takes it from him and proceeds to give it back to him; just at a much faster speed. Triple Jump Moonsault hits, but Van Dam, being a smart champion, rolls out of the ring. A baseball slide attacks Van Dam, but Van Dam just no-sells it, throws Sabu into the crowd, and hits a springboard somersault plancha off of the guardrail as we go to


When we get back, Sabu has placed Van Dam on a table which is bridging the apron and the guardrail. Sabu goes to the top and puts Van Dam through it. They both rest while we see some more


Sabu is now setting up for the Triple Jump Moonsault, but he doesn't jump high enough and falls on the chair, leg first. Looked like it wasn't supposed to happen. Van Dam adlibs and puts THE BOOTS to Sabu's injured leg. Uh oh, here comes overbooking, as RHINO and CANDIDO run in and attack Van Dam & Sabu. Sabu throws Candido out of the ring. Alfonso throws a chair to Rhino, who gets a Van Daminator. Candido and Rhino wait conveniently outside the ring for a Van Dam tope con hilo. Sabu tries to hit a dive on all three of them, but his knee has been sufficiently fucked up enough so he can't. Sabu stays down. Van Dam helps him up...then attacks him! He kicked his leg out from under his leg! Van Dam actually gets some heel heat for the first time since he went to the WWF in the invasion angle. ***** frog splash onto Sabu's knee, which rested below a chair! That was cool. Van Dam puts on a version of the STF; Sabu refuses to give up, and fights for the ropes. Fonzie throws in the towel, but too close to Sabu; Sabu catches it and throws it back at Fonzie. Fonzie, being the thinker of champions, throws the towel so that Sabu can't catch it; the ref sees it, and the match ends. Crowd is divided. I'm not. I'm happy we're going to


Shoots-a-Little Guido (w/ SalE Graziano) are coming our way! But, first, we get hyped up! 
Then, it's
Fly's-A-Whole-Lot Super Crazy who will be predictably facing Guido. 
Joel gets off his Heenanism of the night pre-match: "For Thanksgiving, Crazy couldn't afford turkey, but he did have some arroz con pollo, and put a hunk of government cheese on top because he had such a good year. Mmm...delicioso!" If only in response to my criticism of him, Gertner gets better each week.

Back once again to New York and New Jack; he is riding the #6 (unlike Angel, who was riding the L last week), which goes to Pelham Bay Park in the Bronx, the Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, and Lexington Ave. He's still looking for Angel and Devito.

Super Crazy vs. Little Guido is about to begin. They tie up, and Guido hits a rear waistlock into a back takedown. Guido rolls Crazy over into a jugi-gatame, but Crazy gets the rope. Gertner says something about finding his jugi-gatame last night, I'll let it slide. They circle one another, and tieup again. Guido hits a back elbow, rear waistlock again, but this time Crazy counters with a back elbow. Crazy goes off the ropes and goes for a quebrada, but Guido is too far away and is forced to dropkick him, nearly forcing Crazy to break his neck at the angle at which Crazy fell. That gets two. GUIDO puts THE BOOTS to Crazy! Italian kneedrop from Guido (kneepad exposed) Guido whip is reversed by Crazy, who runs at Guido, who uses the ropes to jump over Crazy, Crazy runs at Guido again, who ducks, Crazy off the ropes, Sal E catches Crazy's foot; Crazy takes umbrage, and goes for an Sasuke-style Asai Moonsault, but Guido shoves him off into the hands of Sal E. Guido goes for a pescado, but Crazy moves out of the way, but Sal E. catches Guido and they do the FBI handshake. When they look up, Crazy hits an Asai Moonsault on the pair. Good sequence. 

Guido on the apron, gets a few turnbuckle shots from Crazy. Guido, however, goes up top, followed by Crazy. Guido knocks Crazy off, and hits a Rocker-Dropper that may have made Crazy famous from the 2nd turnbuckle for two. Guido picks up Crazy, and they trade chops. A Crazy kick was to lead into a fireman's carry bomb, but Guido goes behind, they both run towards the ropes, Guido lets go, Crazy to the 2nd turnbuckle, and Guido hits a Side Italian Leg Sweep (as says Joey) from the 2nd rope for 2. GUIDO puts THE BOOTS to Crazy AGAIN! Ouch, those could leave some marks. Chops in the corner, and an Italian bitch-slap to the face. Cross-Corner whip from Guido, and Crazy goes for the double springboard moonsault that never hits; Guido stops him after the 2nd springboard and powerbombs him for two. Guido drops an elbow (speaking of elbows, I remember seeing some tag team on WWF/WCW TV doing the FBI Elbow over the past week; I think the Outlaws, but I'm not sure.) Guido then puts on a camel clutch, using Crazy's hair. A whip from Guido, who ducks and gets caught with a swinging DDT.

A somersault senton from Crazy gets two. The 10 punches en espanol in the corner are way over; some BOOTS are not. Molineaux gets inbetween the two to break the boots up, and that brings Sal E into the ring, who goes to splash both Crazy, Molineaux, and Guido in the corner; all three have their backs turned. Crazy gets out of the way, hijinks ensue. Sal E goes to powerbomb Crazy, but Crazy ranas out, nearly killing them both in the process. Tajiri's in the ring now; a Tajiri thrust kick is missed, and missed again. Crazy goes to German Suplex Tajiri, but in comes Jerry Lynn, who goes to clothesline Tajiri (who's being held by Super Crazy); you can figure out what happens, Lynn hits Crazy, Guido dropkicks Lynn out of the ring, Tajiri brainbuster on Crazy, Guido rolls over, uno-dos-tres. Just as overbooked as the last month's or so matches. However, nothing could be more overbooked then these


Rhe Rookie Ronster RRRRRhino and Jushin Credible are heading to the ring, slaughtering all civilians in their wake. But first, we must head to 

New Jack, who's managed not to get kicked out of New York City. (Hey, we could call it New Jack City now); a subway guy tells Jack that the Baldies are on the train across from New Jack, which is leaving the station. As the train leaves, the Baldies taunt New Jack.

Lance Storm (w/out Chris Jericho) is to the ring back in Chicago. Joel makes an ethnic Canadian joke which I can't care to remember; Joey, as he must, apologizes (wow, apologizing makes you look edgy); Joel: "Good, because I don't." Now that's much better, Joel!

Dreamer (w/ something) to the ring. Dreamer pulls Credible out of the ring, and whips him into the guardrail. Same with Lance, but Rhino attacks from behind. He might even have CHARGED Dreamer. But, to make the early save, it's Scotty Rocks the Party that Rocks His Body (right?) . He treats Credible with a punch. He whips Credible over the top rope to the floor with one of Credible's usual excellent bumps. He may be a pretty crappy wrestler, but he can bump. Storm superkicks Raven, and gets a chair. Rhino holds Raven in place for a chairshot, but you can figure out who gets hit with it. Dreamer and Raven go to opposite turnbuckles and hit Credible and Storm with 10 punches (in English). A clusterfuck Rhino spear somehow takes Raven out. Dreamer attacks Rhino, but Storm attacks Dreamer from behind. Credible and Raven go to the floor. Storm hits a jawbreaker on Dreamer. A cross-corner whip by Storm leads to a clothesline by the same; meanwhile, Credible hits a running clothesline off of the apron onto Raven through a table. 

Enter Hak-Man! He comes to the ring pretty slow (for a white guy). Rhino spear misses, he gets a beer can to the head. Credible and Storm are in opposite corners, trying to decide who will attack first. Sandman goes for Credible and misses a cane shot; he turns around and eats a Storm superkick. Not quite beer nuts. The IMPACT PLAYERS put THEIR BOOTS to the SANDMAN! Rhino attacks Dreamer, and everyone except Raven is back in the ring. Francine jumps on Rhino's back. Dreamer pulls Francine off, and spears Rhino. Dreamer hits a piledriver on Rhino. Storm saves Rhino from a 2nd piledriver with a springboard clothesline on Dreamer. He hits his pose on Dreamer, but Francine hits a lowblow on Storm. Dreamer does his pose on top of Storm, along with grabbing his balls after it, but HE gets a lowblow from Dawn Marie. Catfight. CAtfight. CATfight. CATFight. CATFIght. CATFIGht. CATFIGHt. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Wow, I'm thrilled. </sarcasm>

Sandman pulls Dawn off, and mimes caning her. Credible goes to cane Sandman, but both Sandman and Marie duck; Credible misses, and Sandman hits his WCW finisher (Cane-Assisted Russian Legsweep); Credible, for some reason, covers for a 2. Maybe it's ineffective in ECW. Storm hits Sandman, Dreamer saves, DVD on Storm. Credible clothesline on Dreamer, Raven picks up Credible and goes to DDT him, but Sandman canes Raven (and it wasn't a mistake or anything, he MEANT it); Credible rolls over for the pin. Blah blah.

Back to New York City now, and New Jack says the Baldies are afraid of him. New Jack gets off a train, to find Devito waiting in a train station. What a coincidence, huh? Angel attacks from behind with SOMETHING. Angel says the subway system belongs to the Baldies. Oh, well, New Jack owns the LIRR.

Par for the course. ECW won't be too interesting until Awesome drops the belt.

Bill Barnwell
Blitz Sports

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission